what are your views on forced apologizing?

[Leanna]

I hated this as a kid.... and when I was forced to apologize, I always became more hard hearted and un-sorry..... but now I find myself in the parent position where I feel David should say sorry to Maya when he pushes her over.... so now I am confused.

 

[mina]

hmmm. I do think it's important to have children say they are sorry to someone if they have hurt someone or caused pain- physically, mentally or emotionally to another person. I also think it's important to model apologies and let them see you apologizing to others when you have wronged someone. I tell children that if it were them that had gotten hurt, then i would have asked the other person to apologize to them- so i think it's good to explain "why" we say we are sorry. Children are very concerned with fairness and yet at the same time are egocentric. So it's good to help them think of the other position- to put themself in the other position and how does the other person feel.

 

[gengwall]

My wife always made our children do this and it baffled me. I just shook my head and moved on. On the flip side, my wife appologizes incessantly for stuff that is trivial and, in my mind, requires no sorrow or repentance. It is actually aggravating because she then expects the same from everyone else. I just don't get it. But the two seem to be intertwined.

I find the whole thing interesting because the bible NEVER calls for a person to appologize. I can't even find a Greek or Hebrew word in the bible that translates "appology" or "appologize". The bible does call for sorrow for sin, but that is directed at God. It is not an outward action but an inward reaction. As far as the person who was sinned against, the bible calls for an acknowledgement of the sin, restitution and subsequent restoration. But the bible never says that an appology is part of the restoration. Again, I just don't get it.

 

[jgonz]

I make my kids say they're sorry. And why. Each time. If they have the hard-headed/hearted look on their faces, then I explain Why they need to be sorry... "Would YOU like it if so&so hit You in the face?!?" They always think about it for 1 second, realize that No, that would hurt, then soften and apologize. Depending on what it was that happened, I've even been known to make the 2 who were fighting say, "I'm sorry. You're my best friend. I love you." and hug. lol They always end up giggling and acting embarrassed, but I am right there to remind them that they have to be friends First, before they can really have friends outside the house.

It's Really important to me that my kids are friends, probably because my sister & brother & I hated each other growing up. My parents never did a Thing to intervene Ever, and we were Horrible to each other. Part of me didn't trust my parents for that reason... like I had no advocate or something, like they didn't Care what happened to any of us... (Things are Still a little strained between me & my sister, although things are Ok with me & my brother~ probably because he & his family are Believers.) I do NOT want my kids to feel that way EVER. So, I make them apologize.

Even though gengwall is correct, the Bible never explicitly says to apologize to another person, I DO see it as a Biblical principle. IMO, it's part of restitution and restoration. And it's important to admit that you've sinned towards another person.

 

[£amb]

It's funny because this topic has just come up recently with my youngest. He's 10, and I'm making him apologize to me, my husband or brother for things he had done intentionly wrong. He's very prideful and has a "I don't care" attitude at this point, so it's my way of humbling him to realize that he's not right in what he's done and that he should care what others feel.

 

[lucypevensie]

My preference is for my kids to think to apologize for themselves. Unfortunately this does not always happen, and there is not always time to have them sit and ponder the situation and what they need to say to make peace. So, I do often just tell them they need to apologize. But other times I will have the offender go sit somewhere with the instruction to think about what just happened and come back to the rest of us when he/she is ready to do the right thing. They often already KNOW what they need to say without any help from me. And they'll come back and say they're sorry when they're ready. I really try to instill in my kids the ability for them to think for themselves and not rely solely upon the adults in their world to be their conscience.

Of course, it always helps when we as parents are humble enough to offer up apologies ourselves when we mess up or hurt someone without meaning to. You know, be a good example

 

[Neenie1]

I struggle in this area. I have always done it with ds, but now am starting to do it with dd.

Last week dd, hit ds on the leg, and I said, "Emily that wasn't a very kind thing to do (or something like that" and she say "sorry" instantly. Now she's only 2 years old and I am not entirely sure that she realises exactly what that means, but I know she will get there.

I believe that teaching children how to say sorry is a very important thing. Even if at the time they don't understand why they are saying it. I believe empathy is one of those things that takes a long time to develop. I know that my 6 year old is much better at this than my 2 year old. It takes time. Now with my 6 year old I do tell him that hurting others is wrong and even if you didn't mean to do it you need to let them know that you know what you did was wrong and you are sorry.

I also believe in apologising to children if you have done the wrong thing/said the wrong thing. They need to learn from example. Apologising to my children is a very humbling thing to do. It's not something that I need to do every day, but I do have to do it sometimes.

 

[heart of peace]

I don't agree with forced apologies in the typical fashion. When my child says, "I'm sorry" I prefer that it is heartfelt and not just hot air. Rather, I explain that what he did caused harm to the other person and the other person is sad/hurt/scared (whatever the reaction the other person is having). I then explain to my child that since he did something to cause this reaction, he needs to figure out a way to rectify his wrongdoing (obviously I utilize language that my 3 yr old can comprehend). If my son decides to offer a beloved toy to the wronged party or to say sorry or even to give a hug is entirely up to him. If he refuses, then I make sure to focus my attention and energy on the wronged party to emphasize my concern for the person's feelings and I tell my child I'm disappointed that he doesn't think there is anything to rectify.

Forced apologies teaches a child that lying is acceptable. I personally advocate trying to assist my child in understanding how his actions caused a reaction and that we are responsible for our actions. It is also a teachable moment in teaching empathy to my child.

 

[lucypevensie]

I don't agree with forced apologies in the typical fashion. When my child says, "I'm sorry" I prefer that it is heartfelt and not just hot air. Rather, I explain that what he did caused harm to the other person and the other person is sad/hurt/scared (whatever the reaction the other person is having). I then explain to my child that since he did something to cause this reaction, he needs to figure out a way to rectify his wrongdoing (obviously I utilize language that my 3 yr old can comprehend). If my son decides to offer a beloved toy to the wronged party or to say sorry or even to give a hug is entirely up to him. If he refuses, then I make sure to focus my attention and energy on the wronged party to emphasize my concern for the person's feelings and I tell my child I'm disappointed that he doesn't think there is anything to rectify.

Forced apologies teaches a child that lying is acceptable. I personally advocate trying to assist my child in understanding how his actions caused a reaction and that we are responsible for our actions. It is also a teachable moment in teaching empathy to my child.

You make good points. Insincerity and untruthfullness are the main issues I have with forcing apologies. We've all heard it:

"Tell your brother you're sorry!"

"Sorreeeee!"

I know it's not always like that, but you get my point.

 

[seamonster]

*subbing*

I honestly haven't even thought about this. Eek! Decisions, decisions...

 

[Bexnat]

Hi All - Bex here, new to the site and Mother to two loud boys 2 and a half and 3 and a half. Saying sorry is a big deal in our house. We live in a house with extended family and it's important to always consider other peoples feelings. My boys are typical toddlers and fight and hurt each other on a fairly regular basis. What works for us is this: the person doing the hurting is seperated physically from the other person/people. It doesn't have to be in another room necessarily, just on the other side of the same room maybe. The person in question is told in age appropriate language what the deal is ie - you hurt your brother, grandma, daddy, whatever and until you are able to say sorry, you have to stay here and play by yourself. Sometimes it takes an hour, sometimes it takes a second, but without fail, the child who did the hurting will come out and not only say sorry to whoever they hurt, but give them a kiss and a cuddle as well. I do not see this as a 'forced apology' or as 'lying'. I see it as teaching my kids to understand that every action has a reaction and that we all have to learn how to take responsibility for our own actions - as much as a toddler can understand that concept anyway. If I scold one child for something and then realise it was the other one, I will say sorry to the first one and give a kiss and cuddle - so we model what we teach them. Kids will be kids you know, sometimes they're not sorry, sometimes they don't get it, but I really feel that most of the time they do. And, as with everything in life, this is just what works for me - it may not work for you!

Have a lovely day!

Bex xo

 

[heart of peace]

I should have noted that my last post was all my opinion

 

[JulySheMustFly]

I don't like having them say "I'm sorry." We do encourage asking forgiveness from the person they've hurt. Our model looks like this, "Can you please forgive me for hurting you. I'm going try to be more kind." Of course it varied depending on offense and the age of the offender. There is also usually an encouragement for gentle or kind touching since right now touch is often the problem. So far because of the length of what they have to say you can see that they soften and it becomes a real apology not just an "I'm sorry." because they had to say it. Sure hope it stays this way. It probably helps that my husband and I have no problem asking forgiveness from our children or each other so it is modeled frequently by us as well.

 

[Lena75]

I've often wondered if we should force our kids to apologize.
My 10 yr old son even told me one day (after he had a fight with his siblings) that why should he apologize if he does not even feel sorry? Well, I kinda let it go for a bit but kept a close eye on him. Within a couple minutes he came to me and said that he was NOW sorry and ready to apologize to his brother and sister. Ok...that was much better.

 

[MyaShane]

This is a really hard one for us right now, too. At the time of the offense, we ask them to tell the other she’s sorry. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t. It’s almost overwhelmingly never sincere, but I still think it’s important that they know that they should be sorry and apologize at the time they hurt each other. Now the times when it just looks like we’re not going to get it out of them, I think it’s best to redirect until emotions are not running so high and then revisit the situation when we can discuss what happened and why what they did was inappropriate. Usually then the apology at least has some substance.
I don’t like to battle to just get the words out of them because I think it’s meaningless and I’d rather talk about what happened than spend 5 minutes with “say you’re sorry to your sister”, “say you’re sorry to your sister”, “say you’re sorry to your sister”, “say you’re sorry to your sister”; “FINE! SORRYYYYY!!” I mean, what’s the point?

 

[jgonz]

I forgot to say in my original post that not only do I make my kids apologize, I make the one who got hurt/offended/whatever say "I forgive you" as well. And if Either of them aren't honestly sorry or forgiving, then I'll say something to the effect that they better Really be sorry/forgiving or they're both going to be in trouble. lol They have to say their sorry like they mean it. No one is allowed to get away with any snotty talk.

 

[Lena75]

Yeah, sarcastic sorries don't count around here. I've often said, "Say it like you mean it." When they put attitude behind a sarcastic sorry, they're not even sorry at all then the whole point of telling them to be sorry is pointless. After the sorries, then they can hug if they want to. I don't force them to.

 

[JustBoo]

I like the idea of asking for forgiveness rather then apologising.

I'll have to teach me daughter to sign ' forgive me?" as she's non verbal . . . but I don't want to force them to ask for forgiveness either.

I guess if we're not going to force 'im sorry' we can't very well force ' forgive me please' either?

Those who don't force apologies . .how do you deal with it if your kid wrongs a neighbour or friend rather then another member of the family? There is a certain expectation there that the wrongdoer apologise (or it would be acceptable to ask foregiveness too I assume) and it might be seen as rude or wrong if the child does not give an apology??

 

[gengwall]

Those who don't force apologies . .how do you deal with it if your kid wrongs a neighbour or friend rather then another member of the family? There is a certain expectation there that the wrongdoer apologise (or it would be acceptable to ask foregiveness too I assume) and it might be seen as rude or wrong if the child does not give an apology??

In the rare case when I've been alone to deal with the situation, I simply require the child (or both children, as is usually the case), to acknowledge the wrong doing and make any amends that are applicable, then "make up", which may be a hand shake or a hug or whatever, depending on the age/sex/relationship parameters. When I was a kid, most of my time outside was spent playing games with my friends far from any parental interfer...er...interaction. That is the kind of restoration we practiced as friends (and even enemies) on the playground of life. How ironic that it also matches the biblical model. Again, the bible doesn't even present a word that translates "appology" or "appologize".

 

[JulySheMustFly]

I like the idea of asking for forgiveness rather then apologising.

I'll have to teach me daughter to sign ' forgive me?" as she's non verbal . . . but I don't want to force them to ask for forgiveness either.

I guess if we're not going to force 'im sorry' we can't very well force ' forgive me please' either?

Those who don't force apologies . .how do you deal with it if your kid wrongs a neighbour or friend rather then another member of the family? There is a certain expectation there that the wrongdoer apologise (or it would be acceptable to ask foregiveness too I assume) and it might be seen as rude or wrong if the child does not give an apology??

I think in a situation like that with a neighbor or what have you then an admission of guilt is needed. "I was wrong." is different than "I'm sorry." or "please forgive me." One is a fact. If johnny breaks a neighbors toy, he was wrong whether he's sorry or not he was wrong. "I'm sorry" suggests that not only doe Johnny acknowldege he's wrong but he's remorseful too. In children remorse and understanding something is wrong doesn't always comea t the same time. If Johnny ever does feel remorse then yes he should say sorry or ask forgiveness even if it is years down the road but "I'm wrong." should ideally happen immediately.