What are your thoughts?...

[Elliewaves]

You asked for thoughts.... My thoughts are that you are pushing too hard for this relationship....I mean you said you were going to move there no matter what even though he doesn't seem too pleased about it. You first said he's scared to death of his family's opinion and now it's just all about pleasing God? I'm sorry I don't buy that. You went from talking occasionally about recipes to now having dinner with him to discuss the future. I know this is emotionally charged for you and I understand that there are sometimes romantic relationships that we want to happen more than anything. BUT, all this is more evidence that the two of you probably don't need to be in a relationship right now- with each other or anyone else. Are you getting counseling? I don't say that in a mean or malicious way...Look, I've been witness to a lot of relationships; usually the ones that start out as affairs or start out as a secret don't end well or last long. If he needs spiritual counsel; he needs to be getting it and seeking it from another man- not a woman that he had a past with and now kinda maybe wants a relationship with. My advice to you for a solution is that you both attend counseling seperately. My advice for a solution is that he needs to acknowledge you in some way in his life. If he is unwilling to do that then there is no relationship or really friendship either. It has nothing to do with being mean, selfish, or sad. A relationship or friendship can not exist in any way if one person denies the other. All he has to say is, " I met someone online and I want to get to know her better" to his friends and family. I mean it doesn't take months to figure that out. Adding you as a friend on FB shouldn't be cause for a frenzy or fear in a grownup's life.

 

[KayJones87]

No, you're right. I do want it. BAD. and yes, I do too get frustrated with his indecisiveness and I'm no better. I am NO good with patience. We did break up and we have been talking less. The reason for recipes is because he is a cook and I know i can get him to text me if we're talking about food. Manipulative, yes and i'm sorry for that. We decided to meet next weekend just to have dinner as friends who haven't seen each other in months. It was my decision to bring up the future. And I am going to give him the ultimatum them. Acknowledge my existence, or Im moving on, no matter how hard it hurts. If he still says no, I will cease all contact with him and move on with my life prayerfully. Of course I hope he says OK and we can start over. But im not holding my breathe, bc as you've ALL stated, he obviously cherishes how he's viewed more than my feelings. You win. I feel like crap.

 

[KayJones87]

And yes, I've counselled with my pastor. He has not done any counseling and will not because all the people available to talk to him would judge too harshly and he is too scared. He won't even let ME tell his pastor and keep his identity a secret.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

well our intention is not to make you feel like crap, but to try to help you as you asked. It's not winning when people's hearts are involved. So I don't want to "win". I just feel sad that you feel so unworthy that it seems this guy is your only hope or something, and of course that isn't the truth.
Glad to hear you say you are giving him the ultimatum. I hope you do and I hope it works out for you, but if it doesn't and he won't acknowledge you, even though it will hurt like mad, you will be better off..eventually.

And lying to God is a serious sin...He is committing it by being a leader in his church and NOT acknowledging his sin which is your sexual past. Annanias and Saphira dropped dead for lying in church, just sayin.
So he may be able to fool his family and everyone at church, but he is NOT fooling God and if he doesn't come clean and accept whatever happens, he WILL be judged because that is not true repentance. True repentance would accept the consequences he would get.

 

[KayJones87]

wait wait.. He is NOT a leader or a pastor in his church. He just helps out sometimes. So you're saying that since he isn't telling the entire church about his past sexual sin, he's lying to God? I'm sorry, I don't agree. The ONLY person he has to tell about any of his sins how matter how large or small is God himself. The true repentance in his heart is all that is required.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

wait wait.. He is NOT a leader or a pastor in his church. He just helps out sometimes. So you're saying that since he isn't telling the entire church about his past sexual sin, he's lying to God? I'm sorry, I don't agree. The ONLY person he has to tell about any of his sins how matter how large or small is God himself. The true repentance in his heart is all that is required.

Well whatever his "job" is in the church, you have mentioned before that he is afraid of losing that. And he is afraid of his family and church members "judging" him. But if he is secretly in a relationship with you (I know, you currently aren't but you were) then he is projecting himself as something that he is not.

NO he does NOT need to tell the entire church, but he seems unwilling to let ANYONE know about it, like it can be swept under the rug and it cannot! At the very least he should be confessing to his pastor. The family IMO, he should not have to tell every detail to them, he's a grown man for crying out loud. My son's don't tell me everything and they are teenagers. But keeping his secret is not wise especially since God already knows!

 

[KayJones87]

I AGREE! and i'm talking to him next weekend. He is awful terrible and sinful and if he refuses to acknowledge my existence, I will do the same and turn away. Im now terribly mentally exhausted with a very heavy heart and I don't want to think about it anymore. All i've gotten from today is that my ex-lover is a terrible horrible sinner and i need to demand things from him and if he doesn't obey me, then I have to cease contact with him and get counseling. Whatever. I'm done.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Well we are ALL terrible sinners. Grace is available, no one is telling you to "demand" anything from him, other than to acknowledge your relationship and to come clean to those he needs to. If he works in the church or "helps out" IMO, he should tell the pastor and let what happens happen.
It's not about him "obeying" you either. You are worthy to be acknowledged.
There is nothing hard about "figuring out how to tell people" what's to figure out? Tell the truth. You met.....where ever. To most of the people you don't need to go further. It's not rocket science really. Although it seems like HE is making it that way. I wish you God's blessings on your dinner and you get whatever you need out of it.

 

[Elliewaves]

I don't think it's about anyone here "winning". What did your pastor tell you? did he advise you to continue in a relationship with this man? I don't believe that your ex is a terrible awful sinner, but I think there are red flags about his behavior that you need to pay attention to and is telling about a future with him and how you will be treated in a relationship with him. No one deserves to be in a "relationship" where the other person will not even acknowledge you and you have to stand around waiting for crumbs of attention. I still suggest counseling to you, b/c it sounds like you have been through a lot emotionally while being a new Christian at the same time. Counseling isn't a bad thing and can help you sort through your feelings and help you to see the situation clearer, without so much emotion. a good counselour can point you in a Godly direction. As to finding a solution; it's simple. He either tells people about you and begins a life with you or not. All this hemming and hawing about how to introduce your relationship shouldn't take months or a year..... I don't believe that all relationships we simply want to be in are always good for us. God sometimes allows obstacles so that we can get a clearer picture of it b/f getting totally invested.

 

[dayhiker]

Hi Kay ... I also think you over stated what we are advising. Personally I don't even think you guys having sex is sin. But since you can't have sex in faith it is sin and so he should own up to that. If he loves you then he should own up to that.

Heck, I got to church, I chat here and I go to a home meeting. Everyone that wants to know about my life knows I have 3 Gfs. The one that comes to visit me on Sundays I take to my church. Everyone on FB knows something of those details, to I don't publish as much there as I do here. One of my GFs was totally surprised that I let as many people know about this situation as I do!

I really don't know who I consider more to blame for your situation, him or his church. But I really don't think his church is helping people get free from sin since people seem to be so afraid to talk about sin that they hid it rather than bring it to the light.