What are your thoughts on...

[DontWorryBeHappy]

...flirtations between a married and unmarried person? Would this not technically be adultery for both people? I am not referring to being friendly. IMO, flirtation has a lot to do with innuendo and to some degree, intimacy.

This stems from an earlier topic about playing the part of the Christian, although it's not the same person (Co-workers). Strangely, after talking to both of the "offending parties", neither of them sees any problem with their behavior.

I'm hurting for the wife who probably doesn't know this is going on...

 

[Shannonkish]

I would agree with you.. however, I would be VERY careful defining flirting. A friend of mine confronted me to flirting with another friend... all because I wrote him encouraging notes as well as called him frequently.. what this other friend didn't know was that me and Josh had talked about this very thing.. he didn't think I was flirting.. I didn't feel like I was flirting, so it was fine.

 

[jenptcfan]

I don't know if flirting would technically be considered adultery, but it sure sets someone up to go down the path of adultery. It should be nipped in the bud if it's not between two single people (or a married couple ). Too many times people flirt and carry on with people in "emotional affairs" and then later on down the road when they're sleeping together they say "it just happened!"....adultery doesn't "just happen"...that's why we have to guard ourselves against the little baby steps that could potentially get us there.

 

[fishstix]

If either is lusting then by Biblical standards that person would technically be committing adultery. At any rate, it certainly isn't something wise to do!

 

[stubbornkelly]

I also think it depends on what we're calling flirting. Having a sociable relationship breeds familiarity, and that breeds friendly banter. Now, banter can lead to other things, of course, but it doesn't have to, and I'm wary of any move to avoid being friends with and having the familiar conversations friends do between married and unmarried persons.

If we want to define flirting as having banter with someone, I think more of us are in trouble than we think. Flirting does have a level of intent behind it, and granted, it's not always clear if something is just friendly banter or if it's flirtation. Am I ready to say that friendly banter with a married person is a no-no because I should "avoid the appearance of evil?" No, I'm not. Not because I shouldn't avoid the appearance of evil - I should - but because I'm not sure that what I'm thinking of fits that description.

 

[JPPT1974]

I want to make sure I save my whole entire body for my husband if I only can get a boyfriend first and he needs to be a Christian first and foremost
Not drink
Not smoke
Not do drugs
Not lie
Not cheat
Not curse
Not steal(like steal ideals a la Jayson Blair)
Not making faces
Not talking to myself
Not humming
Not acting cold-hearted

 

[fishstix]

I want to make sure I save my whole entire body for my husband if I only can get a boyfriend first and he needs to be a Christian first and foremost
Not drink
Not smoke
Not do drugs
Not lie
Not cheat
Not curse
Not steal(like steal ideals a la Jayson Blair)
Not making faces
Not talking to myself
Not humming
Not acting cold-hearted

Urge to reply with equal amounts of sarcasm rising... This is getting a bit ridiculous. This isn't even the topic of the thread. It's really starting to greatly annoy me how much the idea of saving oneself for a spouse/wanting a virgin spouse is getting ridiculed and/or condemned on these forums. Let's not start hijacking other threads with the topic.

 

[wvmtnkid]

I just finished reading a book on preserving sexual and emotional intimacy in our relationships. It had some very definite thoughts on flirting. Basically, if you are leading someone to a place that you have no intention of fulfilling, then it is wrong. And that can be done with more than just your words, body lanuguage is a big factor. I think there is a difference in being friendly and in flirting. Personally, I think it is wrong for a single person to flirt (I am not talking about being friendly, but intentionally flirting) with a married person. I think it just leads to a place neither needs to go and eventually causes alot of hurt to both.

 

[wvmtnkid]

Urge to reply with equal amounts of sarcasm rising... This is getting a bit ridiculous. This isn't even the topic of the thread. It's really starting to greatly annoy me how much the idea of saving oneself for a spouse/wanting a virgin spouse is getting ridiculed and/or condemned on these forums. Let's not start hijacking other threads with the topic.

Maybe I am missing something or I don't understand, but how was her post ridiculing or condeming the idea of saving yourself for a virgin spouse? Granted it is a bit off topic, but I am missing how it is ridiculing wanting a virgin spouse.

 

[Starcradle]

Basically, if you are leading someone to a place that you have no intention of fulfilling, then it is wrong.

I wholeheartedly agree.

Flirting inherently involves a certain level of sexual innuendo that is simply inappropriate, and it can build up expectations/temptations within someone's heart. Even at this level (meaning online), I have witnessed married or otherwise involved individuals engaging in what they deemed "innocent" flirtation (is that possible?) and it subsequently escalated into more sexually explicit expressions. I am not claiming this is always the case, yet at its core, it is highly disrespectful for one's mate to be flirting with anyone, online or off, although many would seek to justify it.

I think there is a difference in being friendly and in flirting.

Absolutely...as long as you aren't "too" friendly.

 

[Living4Him03]

I think there is a big difference between flirting and being friends. Once a person is married, I think it is very difficult to still remain good friends with people of the opposite sex or to make friends with the opposite sex. I think when you are married, you need same sex friends and couples to spend time with if you want interaction with both sexes. This is just my opinion so that the husband and wife don't get into sticky situations. I definitely think flirting is not appropriate when a person is married, even if the person they are flirting with or who is flirting with them is just a good friend. Flirting goes beyond being friendly...it's when a person does special things for you, winks, gives excessive hugs, makes passes at you, sends you gifts, makes inappropriate comments (which they actually mean), etc. It's best to just stay away from such situations and to call a a person on inappropriate behavior and to clarify your boundaries!

 

[Starcradle]

I think there is a big difference between flirting and being friends. Once a person is married, I think it is very difficult to still remain good friends with people of the opposite sex or to make friends with the opposite sex. I think when you are married, you need same sex friends and couples to spend time with if you want interaction with both sexes. This is just my opinion so that the husband and wife don't get into sticky situations.

I agree. It is spiritually dangerous to retain close friendships with members of the opposite sex when you are married. I do not care how "platonic" these relationships are, they are still conducive to the types of intimate conversations that should only be reserved and nurtured between a married couple. The bond you possess with your husband/wife should be distinguishable from the bonds you forge with others.

The Bible states that a man is to leave his parents and cleave unto his wife. The parent/child relationship in this context is conveyed as the closest relationship we enjoy....up until the point we become married. It is then that this relationship changes, for our closest ties should be with our mates. If our relationship with parents must give way to our marriage relationship, how much more so our friendships? I am not speaking of neglect, I am referring to these relationships no longer being of utmost priority, especially if they interfere in any way with your marriage.

Anyway, I apologize if I strayed a bit from the original subject matter, yet I simply wished to comment upon your great post, Living4Him!

 

[JPPT1974]

Sorry I misunderstood. I also feel that even though the person is handsome and attractive, I don't want to flirt with that person for fears of that person being married or in a relationship and also I want to make sure that just because you are the opposite sex doesn't mean that you have to have a sexual relationship but keep it platonic but friendly. Sorry for the misunderstanding!!

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

Flirting: Definately wrong in the context where either of the participants is married, or in my opinion even in a relationship at all!

I will say though, as a few of my good friends having been guys and though I also became friends with the women they married, have a close friendship with the men. But I don't cross any boundaries with them or do anything that I think would interefere with their marriage. I always make it clear with my words and actions and prayers that I love the both of them as a couple and want their marital bonds to be strengthened daily and with God, certainly not weakened.

Though this doesn't mean that I can't still have long discussions with my male friends who are married about various things and have close friendships with them. If we got along in spirit and in truth before they were married and while they were dating, Just because they are married doesnt mean they can't still be my close friends. Of course there are a couple extra boundaries that may not have existed fully before but other than that I don't think it's a big deal. I think too many married couples ditch all their single friends after they get married and become one of those "married couples" I am thankful for my married friends that Don't do that, atleast not yet And from what I've seen, their marriages are healthier because of it. Because they are learning to balnace relationships with others (yes, even of the opposite sex) with their relationship which OF COURSE come first. But its not healthy to just shut yourself off from the outside world. And I think it's selfish to only choose to hang out with other married couples after you ar married. Because the single people need to glean off of you as well and learn along with you and, gasp! may even have some good advice for you at times.

That's my .o2 cents

God bless

 

[fishstix]

Once a person is married, I think it is very difficult to still remain good friends with people of the opposite sex or to make friends with the opposite sex. I think when you are married, you need same sex friends and couples to spend time with if you want interaction with both sexes.

I agree. It is spiritually dangerous to retain close friendships with members of the opposite sex when you are married. I do not care how "platonic" these relationships are, they are still conducive to the types of intimate conversations that should only be reserved and nurtured between a married couple. The bond you possess with your husband/wife should be distinguishable from the bonds you forge with others.

In other words, I should expect to lose my opposite gender friends when they get married? That's not cool - most of my friends are the opposite gender from me.

 

[Living4Him03]

Well, sometimes that happens. When marriage comes into the picture your priority numero uno is your spouse. This means that the girl friends / guy friends you had that you spent all that time hanging out with gotta go...or else you'd better clarify that things are changing. It's different being friends with the opposite sex when you are single, because the possibility of romance is not so threatening. But, when married, a girl can't just invite her friend Joe, with whom she used to share such deep conversations with ,over to hang out and have those deep conversations. Sure, you can still spend time with your opposite sex friends when married (or when they are married), but not quite in the way you might have done before. When you get married, you probably won't be as close to opposite sex friends and may even not be as close to same sex friends. It's all part of how it all works. I think this is good. A hubby and his wife are SUPPOSED to be one flesh. I DO NOT mean to say that married couples should go hide in their house or only spend time with other couples. But, a wife should not go to a bar/the pool hall/restaurant with a guy friend and leave her hubby behind and vice versa. Having some single friends over for dinner is a good plan though

 

[wvmtnkid]

Flirting: Definately wrong in the context where either of the participants is married, or in my opinion even in a relationship at all!

I will say though, as a few of my good friends having been guys and though I also became friends with the women they married, have a close friendship with the men. But I don't cross any boundaries with them or do anything that I think would interefere with their marriage. I always make it clear with my words and actions and prayers that I love the both of them as a couple and want their marital bonds to be strengthened daily and with God, certainly not weakened.

Though this doesn't mean that I can't still have long discussions with my male friends who are married about various things and have close friendships with them. If we got along in spirit and in truth before they were married and while they were dating, Just because they are married doesnt mean they can't still be my close friends. Of course there are a couple extra boundaries that may not have existed fully before but other than that I don't think it's a big deal. I think too many married couples ditch all their single friends after they get married and become one of those "married couples" I am thankful for my married friends that Don't do that, atleast not yet And from what I've seen, their marriages are healthier because of it. Because they are learning to balnace relationships with others (yes, even of the opposite sex) with their relationship which OF COURSE come first. But its not healthy to just shut yourself off from the outside world. And I think it's selfish to only choose to hang out with other married couples after you ar married. Because the single people need to glean off of you as well and learn along with you and, gasp! may even have some good advice for you at times.

That's my .o2 cents

God bless

I agree totally! I was trying to come up with a way to say this, but you said it better than I ever could have.

 

[Starcradle]

Well, sometimes that happens. When marriage comes into the picture your priority numero uno is your spouse. This means that the girl friends / guy friends you had that you spent all that time hanging out with gotta go...or else you'd better clarify that things are changing. It's different being friends with the opposite sex when you are single, because the possibility of romance is not so threatening. But, when married, a girl can't just invite her friend Joe, with whom she used to share such deep conversations with ,over to hang out and have those deep conversations. Sure, you can still spend time with your opposite sex friends when married (or when they are married), but not quite in the way you might have done before. When you get married, you probably won't be as close to opposite sex friends and may even not be as close to same sex friends. It's all part of how it all works. I think this is good. A hubby and his wife are SUPPOSED to be one flesh. I DO NOT mean to say that married couples should go hide in their house or only spend time with other couples. But, a wife should not go to a bar/the pool hall/restaurant with a guy friend and leave her hubby behind and vice versa. Having some single friends over for dinner is a good plan though

Great post, Living4Him.

It looks as though we're in the minority.

 

[Donny_B]

I would also agree with the "minority opinion"..

Pehaps having too many friends and being too popular can have its problems when it comes to settling down and making a committment.

I was rather shy when I grew up and did not have a lot of friends, but the ones I had I could count on them. I was certainly not the "most popular person in the class".

I'm the type that, although I admired the homecoming queen or the prom queen, she was a little too popular for me, and I would rather settle with the regular downhome girl next door. For me, it was Mary Ann over Ginger!