I have met a guy that I love. We have been dating for five months and we are very close. We tell eachother everything and respect eachother. We have told eachother we love each other. We have always set boundaries in our physical relationship. We trust each other tremendously and we are always making sure that we are doing what's right to please God and eachother.We both know and discussed that sex is NOT an option. I have talked to him about how I feel and he is not sure of the answer to the next question either. We have decided to keep our physical relationship on hold for a short extent, until we can find out the true and right answers to what's right. When there's trust and meaning behind physical expression how far is too far, so not to displease God?
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what are the limits?
- Thread starter alluredegrace
- Start date
LadyBird
Dance Me to the End of Love
So many people have posted threads on this question and I have answered the same way every time--it is different for each couple. There is no clear set boundary line for this. Pray about it and God will give you an answer. Don't reach your physical boundaries too early on in the relationship either or else you WILL be struggling to maintain them until you get married.
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Here is an idea, just a shot in the dark.
Go talk to him about it. Discuss what you want with HIM. explain to HIM how you feel.
Go talk to him about it. Discuss what you want with HIM. explain to HIM how you feel.
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superbear02
Senior Veteran
I agree, pray and have a talk with God...thats the only way to know! 
Good luck! and God Bless!
Good luck! and God Bless!
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I think that she already knows what god wants, she just needs to talk to him about it, thats the issue.
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tigerboy said:
That's a very good point.
What's sin for one couple can be acceptable for others. Some couples believe that anything more than a peck on the cheek is too far while others find it ok to engage in long kisses. Other couples find holding hands to be too much while others will hold eachother close.
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memphisXwasted
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no further than kissing, hands out/hands off...if the suffix is "sex" then its sex, no if's and's or butt's about it!
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memphisXwasted said:
BUTT find that in the bible please. Different people, different limits.
You can be sinful with your eyes and just the way you look at someone, or think about them.
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I like to go with 'If you dont have it, dont touch it'. I think kissing, hugging and holding hands is fine, as long as you have enough self control to leave it there, other wise u may never get to a stage when u can be completely vulnerable with each other. Also, if u get married, it would be too much of a big step, going from nothing to everything.... well thats my opinion, and i think if you wait and it works, then i admire you, but its not for everyone. God Bless x x x
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Romans 14:23 says this:
But the man who has doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.
The Amplified Version (AMP):
But the man who has doubts (misgivings, an uneasy conscience) about eating, and then eats [perhaps because of you], stands condemned [before God], because he is not true to his convictions and he does not act from faith. For whatever does not originate and proceed from faith is sin [whatever is done without a conviction of its approval by God is sinful].
You can read the whole of Romans 14 to put the above passage in context, but I believe it can apply to almost any area of our lives, inculding physical intimacy in relationships.
The thing is you need to define the terms of your relationship, so you can both honour God, build a firm foundation not based on the physical. One thing I did, with my fiancée is that we reduced the level of our physical intimacy to really see whether our relationship was much more than that, and it was awesome because we have built a solid friendship that is true and honest, and we can truly say that we love each other, regardless of the fact that our physical initimacy is limited only to hugging and holding hands (this was a mutual decision we took, it's a case by case thing, might be different for other relationships). We used to kiss intimately, but have restricted it to short lip pecks on 'hellos' and 'goodbyes'.
In application to Romans 14:23, I was having doubts about whether the kissing we used to do was pleasing to God, reason was because I started getting all sorts of 'unholy' thoughts, adn after reading this passage, I decided that if I had misgivings in my heart, I should probably stop. Prayed first about it, then spoke to my fiancée (then still only my boyfriend
), and he felt the same way.
And I can truly say it has taken nothing away from our relationship, as our love has grown stronger, and because we love and respect each other, we contiue to respect the above agreement until our wedding night, so that we do not 'defraud' each other.
Again I reiterate, that you need to prayerfully agree with him on the way forward, and do what you think would be pleasing to God, if He were sitting right there watchin the both of you.
But the man who has doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.
The Amplified Version (AMP):
But the man who has doubts (misgivings, an uneasy conscience) about eating, and then eats [perhaps because of you], stands condemned [before God], because he is not true to his convictions and he does not act from faith. For whatever does not originate and proceed from faith is sin [whatever is done without a conviction of its approval by God is sinful].
You can read the whole of Romans 14 to put the above passage in context, but I believe it can apply to almost any area of our lives, inculding physical intimacy in relationships.
The thing is you need to define the terms of your relationship, so you can both honour God, build a firm foundation not based on the physical. One thing I did, with my fiancée is that we reduced the level of our physical intimacy to really see whether our relationship was much more than that, and it was awesome because we have built a solid friendship that is true and honest, and we can truly say that we love each other, regardless of the fact that our physical initimacy is limited only to hugging and holding hands (this was a mutual decision we took, it's a case by case thing, might be different for other relationships). We used to kiss intimately, but have restricted it to short lip pecks on 'hellos' and 'goodbyes'.
In application to Romans 14:23, I was having doubts about whether the kissing we used to do was pleasing to God, reason was because I started getting all sorts of 'unholy' thoughts, adn after reading this passage, I decided that if I had misgivings in my heart, I should probably stop. Prayed first about it, then spoke to my fiancée (then still only my boyfriend
), and he felt the same way.
And I can truly say it has taken nothing away from our relationship, as our love has grown stronger, and because we love and respect each other, we contiue to respect the above agreement until our wedding night, so that we do not 'defraud' each other.
Again I reiterate, that you need to prayerfully agree with him on the way forward, and do what you think would be pleasing to God, if He were sitting right there watchin the both of you.
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tinkerbell
Senior Member
This is very true - it is important to pace the seriousness of the physical aspects of the relationship with the seriousness of the emotional, mental and commitment level of the relationship. It's not easy, but I've found it to be possible and rewarding.Belle said:
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memphisXwasted
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i know you can commit adultry(sp?) with your mind....but that still says that(pg-13) oral sex and other "non-sex" things people do....and think its okay since its not "real" sex...by saying thinking about about someone with unpure thoughts....is adultry...wouldn't that totally rule out the fact that oral sex and other sexually activities are okay??
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J
jamesrwright3
Guest
You can only commit adultery in your mind if the person you are lusting after is married. Otherwise it is fornication..still a sin nonetheless..
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serendipity79
Regular Member
I started dating my now fiance before i was a christian, at that time she had swayed from her faith as well. our relationship was based primarily around sex. about a year or so into our relationship we began to question our faiths and persued answers. a few months passed and we gave up intercourse, however it may be possible but we felt that it wasn't, to have given up all indulgences. we both have been christians for some time now and we base our relationship around that, but coming from a nonchristian beginning i believe we have different boundries than some. so i have to agree with most of the people in here and say that the boundries are different for every couple, and it is imprtant that you keep that lines of communication with god and eachother open.
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I'm about to get married. (March 20)
Let me tell you where we ended up setting our boundaries and some things we have learned in counseling. People are correct in that different couples set their boundaries at different places.
1. No kissing until we were engaged. I did not want to live my life having kissed a lot of people. I wanted that to be only those where we were really committed. But I decided that, if something happened after engagement and we broke it off, I could live with having kissed him. We were promised. (This was, btw, the ONLY thing we added to our list of boundaries with engagement)
2. At the very beginning of dating we made sure we were always places where other people were. When we did spend time alone at my place or his, it was always out in the front one. We limited time spent in the bedrooms entirely. (ie only if I was showing him something or we were working out where things would go after marriage)
3. No touching anything underneath clothes.
4. No stroking, petting, etc of things over clothes that we wouldn't touch if the clothes weren't there. (so basically no petting of clothes at all)
5. No spending the night at each other's house. (he left before he got too tired to drive home. I left his place before I got too tired to drive home)
So it ended up basically being head, hands, and feet.
Things we learned in counseling:
- Our counselor suggested, on the "should you kiss" thing that you should figure out whether, for you two, you can kiss without it leading to anything else. For my FI and I this turned out not to be a problem at all. If its a problem for you, then don't kiss. You don't want to play with fire at all. (Their opinion was that if you had reached petting you'd gone over the line. I have to admit I don't know of anyone who thinks petting is acceptable. Kissing seems to be one of the big dividing lines. Holding hands is another)
- Growing up I had a youth minister that described it this way. We all know we can't have sex. That's the cliff. There is this continuum of about 10 actions between hand holding and sex. You have to figure out BEFORE you get in the situation how far you will go. And that your goal is not to determine how close you can get to the cliff without falling but, rather, how far away you will stay.
- My pastor pointed out something interesting in Song Of Solomon that I have not had time to explore yet. But I trust him so I'll share it here. Before the two are married, evidently the praise is all for the visible parts of the bride. After they are married, it covers the entire body. So if you're looking for where to Biblically set your boundaries, taking a look at Song of Solomons may be a good place to go.
Let me tell you where we ended up setting our boundaries and some things we have learned in counseling. People are correct in that different couples set their boundaries at different places.
1. No kissing until we were engaged. I did not want to live my life having kissed a lot of people. I wanted that to be only those where we were really committed. But I decided that, if something happened after engagement and we broke it off, I could live with having kissed him. We were promised. (This was, btw, the ONLY thing we added to our list of boundaries with engagement)
2. At the very beginning of dating we made sure we were always places where other people were. When we did spend time alone at my place or his, it was always out in the front one. We limited time spent in the bedrooms entirely. (ie only if I was showing him something or we were working out where things would go after marriage)
3. No touching anything underneath clothes.
4. No stroking, petting, etc of things over clothes that we wouldn't touch if the clothes weren't there. (so basically no petting of clothes at all)
5. No spending the night at each other's house. (he left before he got too tired to drive home. I left his place before I got too tired to drive home)
So it ended up basically being head, hands, and feet.
Things we learned in counseling:
- Our counselor suggested, on the "should you kiss" thing that you should figure out whether, for you two, you can kiss without it leading to anything else. For my FI and I this turned out not to be a problem at all. If its a problem for you, then don't kiss. You don't want to play with fire at all. (Their opinion was that if you had reached petting you'd gone over the line. I have to admit I don't know of anyone who thinks petting is acceptable. Kissing seems to be one of the big dividing lines. Holding hands is another)
- Growing up I had a youth minister that described it this way. We all know we can't have sex. That's the cliff. There is this continuum of about 10 actions between hand holding and sex. You have to figure out BEFORE you get in the situation how far you will go. And that your goal is not to determine how close you can get to the cliff without falling but, rather, how far away you will stay.
- My pastor pointed out something interesting in Song Of Solomon that I have not had time to explore yet. But I trust him so I'll share it here. Before the two are married, evidently the praise is all for the visible parts of the bride. After they are married, it covers the entire body. So if you're looking for where to Biblically set your boundaries, taking a look at Song of Solomons may be a good place to go.
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