What am I supposed to do?

[razeontherock]

This is a good place to vent! You're certainly going through tremendous stress, in a truly difficult situation. US economy really stinks for many. Sorry that includes you and your husband.

You might be surprised who'd be willing to hire you, but you should expect it to be hard work for not great pay. This is a great time to seek G-d, but I would say a job search should be a close second ...

The 2 of you seeing the Pastor is a DEFINITE. If you're only there to support your husband, you know what? That COUNTS!

As far as the whole 'feeling it' thing w/ believing? Read the Bible, asking Him to make Himself real to you. Start in the Gospel of John, and just read it straight through to the end. Here's a little peek into some good stuff:

what the enemy intended for evil, G-d intends for good.

Do you see how that can apply to your situation now? This is a good time to make your peace w/ Him ...

 

[joey_downunder]

I have a quick prayer for you before my kids come home:

God, you know her circumstances and how she is struggling. Please - despite her current extreme doubts in You - show her your mercy, strengthen this couple and give them both Your peace in this difficult time.

Like you I struggled for years over whether God existed or not. I fell into the error of wanting God to prove Himself to me even though I was knew full well from my christian upbringing that I was sinning a great deal (so why should God want to reward me in any way?).

Like several others have said -look at the evidence for Jesus when you have settled down enough in yourself. There are plenty of christian apologetics websites out there like Tekton Education and Apologetics Ministries. James Patrick Holding. Tektonitron apologetics Encyclopedia. answering Bible difficulties and Bible contradictions to answer any queries you may have.

 

[Dragons87]

Thank you for your replies.

It's good stuff to think about, for when (if) I'm thinking better.

I've not eaten all day, barely slept. I just feel like this is the end. Neither of us will find work and we'll be on the streets with nothing. I can't deal with this.

I've spent all day in cold sweats, cycling through 30 seconds of calm, followed by terror, fear, panic, despair, hopelessness. It's killing me. I feel like I'm about to have a heart attack.

I've spoken to my husband about seeing our pastor. We'll see what happens.

Thank you again.

One of the problems with not working is that one can fall into a routine of disroutine: i.e. not keeping up with proper times for eating and sleeping. And of course you get a lot more time on your hands to think negatively.

I encourage you to resist that temptation. Follow a routine in your daily life life. Get up a certain time, have breakfast, read the Bible and pray. Then you're ready to start the day, and make sure you sleep early too.

The other thing is exercise. Rather than cycling through your emotions, why don't go out and pedal for real? Or run. I vouch by it. God designed in us a mechanism whereby we are happier if we work our body. It's great! Use it! And get your husband to go along with you too. Just something simple, like run around the block or the park. Thirty minutes in the morning will do wonders.

Although these are stop-gaps, they will help you get back on track, and simply think more positively.

 

[Perdue]

Thank you again for the replies. Also, thank you so much for the prayer, Joey.

I'm sorry for being so negative. I need to get past this panic stage. It would help if I could get a good night's sleep, but I just wake up constantly.

It's hard to feel anything other than fear right now.

I did pray yesterday. I apologised, again and again, for everything. For how I've been, for being and and upset. While I've still not had this defining moment that I feel like I need to have, I can feel small differences in how I feel about the thought of God.

I'm still not sure if it's right or not, but my disbelief seems to diminish gradually.

After spending so many years vehemently denying His existence, it's difficult to know what all these feelings are.

Even though I don't have some feeling inside telling me that I need there to be something out there because I need help, even though the strengthening of my belief doesn't feel conscious at all, I worry. I worry that subconsciously I have ulterior motives, and I don't want it to be that way.

I'll just keep trying, at everything, and see what happens.

Thank you again.

 

[bling]

I for one want to do something physical to help you, but do not know where you are. Christianity is really not ment to be spread over the internet, but is an eyeball to eyeball religion. I have freinds in other cities, I an in Dallas, TX.

 

[aiki]

I'm sorry for being so negative. I need to get past this panic stage. It would help if I could get a good night's sleep, but I just wake up constantly.

It's hard to feel anything other than fear right now.

I've been where you are and can tell you that God is One on whom you can count. He truly is the Great Provider. His first and greatest provision, though, is Himself. You see, only He can meet your most important need, which is spiritual in nature, not material. The Bible says, "What does it prosper a man if he gains the whole world but loses his own soul?" Obviously, the answer is nothing. God has made us not just for time, but for eternity. Our time spent on this globe is like a blink of the eye in comparison to the eternity that awaits us when we step out of this world through the portal of death. But it is so difficult to see our present circumstances with eternity in mind. We have bills to pay, mouths to feed, medical necessities, car repairs and so on. And these things press upon us with such urgency! Who can think of eternity when the power is about to be shut off and the cupboards are bare?! But God is saying, "None of these things matter if you don't have your eternal destiny settled! I could supply for all your bills, provide a new car for you, and give you all the food you could eat, but if you die in your current spiritual state, you will spend all of eternity in torment separated from me." And so, God strips life right down to its bare bones so that we may see what is truly vital: God Himself.

As far as God is concerned, you're sweating the small stuff. His advice to all of us is as follows:

Jesus said,

"Therefore I say to you, Do not worry about what you will drink: nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?
Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?
Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin;
And yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'...
But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you." (Matt. 6:25-34)

I did pray yesterday. I apologised, again and again, for everything. For how I've been, for being and and upset. While I've still not had this defining moment that I feel like I need to have, I can feel small differences in how I feel about the thought of God.

I'm still not sure if it's right or not, but my disbelief seems to diminish gradually.

After spending so many years vehemently denying His existence, it's difficult to know what all these feelings are.

Either God exists or He doesn't. This isn't a matter of what one feels. China exists even if I should one day feel that it doesn't. I haven't seen, or touched, or tasted, or heard China firsthand and so I may feel that it is just a fantasy, but that feeling doesn't necessarily reflect the truth of the matter. In the same way, one's feeling about God is not necessarily reflective of reality. As my mother so often said to me, "Feelings come and feelings go, and feelings are deceiving."

Even though I don't have some feeling inside telling me that I need there to be something out there because I need help, even though the strengthening of my belief doesn't feel conscious at all, I worry. I worry that subconsciously I have ulterior motives, and I don't want it to be that way.

God often must make us desperate for Him before we seek Him out. The vast majority of people I know who are mature Christians all have a story of being terribly in need and realizing only God could answer that need.

I'll just keep trying, at everything, and see what happens.

I don't think you need to try so much as you need to surrender your life to the One who gave it to you. Everything else tumbles out of that surrender.

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord and he will lift you up." (Ja. 4:8, 9)

Selah.

 

[Perdue]

I for one want to do something physical to help you, but do not know where you are. Christianity is really not ment to be spread over the internet, but is an eyeball to eyeball religion. I have freinds in other cities, I an in Dallas, TX.

I'm in Chicago, which just makes it worse. So many people, not enough work to go around by far.

aiki - Thank you for your reply and advice and quotes. I know I need to look beyond what is happening right now. It's just difficult, I want to be good while I'm here. I wanted children, a family, that will never happen now.

It's difficult to spend so many years in control, accountable only to myself... and then to let go. It's not easy.

 

[razeontherock]

You'll still be in control and responsible as a believer!

While I've still not had this defining moment that I feel like I need to have, I can feel small differences in how I feel about the thought of God.

I'm still not sure if it's right or not, but my disbelief seems to diminish gradually.

This is the way it happens. Plant an oak tree. Go out and check it the next day. It's not 100 feet tall yet, and won't be for some time! Just keep "it" watered (the Word) with sunlight (His Presence) in good soil (being careful how you hear) and HAVE ROOT IN YOURSELF. That includes responsibility, not denying Him, doing what you know etc ...

 

[joey_downunder]

I'm in Chicago, which just makes it worse. So many people, not enough work to go around by far.

aiki - Thank you for your reply and advice and quotes. I know I need to look beyond what is happening right now. It's just difficult, I want to be good while I'm here. I wanted children, a family, that will never happen now.

It's difficult to spend so many years in control, accountable only to myself... and then to let go. It's not easy.

I bet many christians know just what you're experiencing. Like the famous author C.S. Lewis many of us are reluctant converts.

"You must picture me alone in that room in Magdalen, night after night, feeling, whenever my mind lifted even for a second from my work, the steady, unrelenting approach of Him whom I so earnestly desired not to meet. That which I greatly feared had at last come upon me. In the Trinity Term of 1929 I gave in, and admitted that God was God, and knelt and prayed: perhaps, that night, the most dejected and reluctant convert in all England." – Surprised by Joy

 

[Perdue]

My husband's called his old pastor (whom he loves) and left a message. He will hopefully get back to us Monday and we'll hopefully go to see him. I'm looking forward to that.

In between panic attacks, that is. I haven't slept more than 3 hours straight because I wake up in terror. I cry every hour. I can't eat. I'm terrified we're going to end up on the streets.

 

[Criada]

My dear sister, I am so sorry that things are so hard
I used to be an atheist, I was abused for years as a child, so I can relate to some of what you are feeling. Sometimes the darkness seems so thick that you can't find God, can't believe that He could possibly love you
I find the psalms can help when I am feeling hopeless... David went through so much , and often railed at God.. and yet he is one of the most revered figures in the Bible.

Psalm 55
1 Listen to my prayer, O God,
do not ignore my plea;
2 hear me and answer me.
My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught
3 at the voice of the enemy,
at the stares of the wicked;
for they bring down suffering upon me
and revile me in their anger.
4 My heart is in anguish within me;
the terrors of death assail me.
5 Fear and trembling have beset me;
horror has overwhelmed me.
6 I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest-
7 I would flee far away
and stay in the desert;
Selah
8 I would hurry to my place of shelter,
far from the tempest and storm."

i've been there, with David, and I think that you are in a similar place now.
But God is there, he rescued David, even from the things that were of his own doing, He redeems the pain and anguish and brings us through.
It's ok to feel, sweetie, it's ok to cry, to shout, to let yourself be real.
God loves you, unconditionally, even when you don't believe, even when you are shouting at Him.
You are seeking, and He promises that those who seek will find

On a practical note, talking to a pastor seems a good idea. It might be worth talking to your doctor as well, taking something to help you sleep for a while will help you to find the strength to get through... tiredness and exhaustion make everything seem even worse.

Praying for you, and here if you nee a listening ear.. PM me any time
God bless you.

 

[visionary]

Come all ye that are burdened and heavy leaden and I will give you rest.. that is what Yeshua said. So take it all to the Lord, the feelings, emotions, whirling thoughts racing through your mind, all the arguments that go back and forth through your mind, all the past, and all that is presently in your life... lay it all on the altar before God and tell HIm to sort it al out for you, so that you can meet with Him face to face. He is real and He is looking forward to meeting with you.

He is one Holy God and He wants to be with you. His still small voice has been speaking to your heart for quite a while now. Let not the world re-interpret what He has clearly shown your heart. Follow Him.. Trust Him. He will clear up a lot of things and make it all make sense for you. He will lift the burdens off of your shoulders, clear your conscience, open up your mind, free your soul to follow Him... and so much more.

 

[Perdue]

Thank you for your replies

I've had so much awesome advice and wisdom to listen to.

Just an update (though I'm sure you're all sick of me by now!).

My husband called his old pastor (who is now at a church an hour from us) and we're meeting him in 2 weeks. I'm sad that's the soonest time he had, but looking forward to it, too. The first time we meet he's taking us for coffee just to meet me and catch up with my husband (which is really nice of him) and then we'll find another time to meet after that to talk properly.

I'm not really sure what I'll say. I feel kind of stupid, what am I supposed to say? "Yeah, so, I'm pretty certain that I believe in God but I'm not sure if I'm right or being stupid... help?"... I'll figure out though. I just am so worried he'll think I'm an idiot.

Even more than that, I'm worried he'll tell me I'm wrong. I don't know if that sounds dumb itself. Probably!

I do have a question, if anyone reads this.

The pastor I'm seeing is my husband's old pastor who moved on from his church to a new one an hour away. My husband's always loved him, he knew him since he was a child. Do you think I should also see the pastor of the church we're at now? His old pastor doesn't want to step on anyone's toes and I don't want to offend anyone. Just looking for someone's opinion, really.

As for the job stuff... I'm trying to put it out of my head, but not being inactive about it. Just not worrying so much that I'm having panic attacks every 10 minutes. I'm working on things, and in my spare time I've been doing a lot of helping out with family and neighbors, which actually feels good. In the last 3 days I've painted someone's railings, helped to clean the house of a recently deceased relative, cleaned out and insect-proofed someone's bathroom and kitchen, cut a lot of lawns and I'll be on my way out soon to check in on some friend's cats. I've also been studying for my learners permit test and hope to get that done this week. It feels amazing to have been doing so much. I'm usually a disgustingly lazy person.

I hope everyone's well, thank you all for being so amazing.

 

[razeontherock]

Good on you for using the opportunity to help others! You might even find there are many small odd jobs you can do that are more profitable than working as an employee?

I'm not really sure what I'll say. I feel kind of stupid, what am I supposed to say? "Yeah, so, I'm pretty certain that I believe in God but I'm not sure if I'm right or being stupid... help?"... I'll figure out though. I just am so worried he'll think I'm an idiot.

Even more than that, I'm worried he'll tell me I'm wrong.

Don't EVER go to G-d worried He'll tell us we're wrong. Every star in our Universe is constantly corrected by Him to stay in it's orbit, as are the smallest portions of atoms. You WANT to hear how you're wrong, because that's the first step in anything getting better! The next part is to hear what is right instead; that's how all this stuff happens. It's a good step.

 

[bling]

Thank you for your replies

I've had so much awesome advice and wisdom to listen to.

Just an update (though I'm sure you're all sick of me by now!).

My husband called his old pastor (who is now at a church an hour from us) and we're meeting him in 2 weeks. I'm sad that's the soonest time he had, but looking forward to it, too. The first time we meet he's taking us for coffee just to meet me and catch up with my husband (which is really nice of him) and then we'll find another time to meet after that to talk properly.

I'm not really sure what I'll say. I feel kind of stupid, what am I supposed to say? "Yeah, so, I'm pretty certain that I believe in God but I'm not sure if I'm right or being stupid... help?"... I'll figure out though. I just am so worried he'll think I'm an idiot.

Even more than that, I'm worried he'll tell me I'm wrong. I don't know if that sounds dumb itself. Probably!

I do have a question, if anyone reads this.

The pastor I'm seeing is my husband's old pastor who moved on from his church to a new one an hour away. My husband's always loved him, he knew him since he was a child. Do you think I should also see the pastor of the church we're at now? His old pastor doesn't want to step on anyone's toes and I don't want to offend anyone. Just looking for someone's opinion, really.

As for the job stuff... I'm trying to put it out of my head, but not being inactive about it. Just not worrying so much that I'm having panic attacks every 10 minutes. I'm working on things, and in my spare time I've been doing a lot of helping out with family and neighbors, which actually feels good. In the last 3 days I've painted someone's railings, helped to clean the house of a recently deceased relative, cleaned out and insect-proofed someone's bathroom and kitchen, cut a lot of lawns and I'll be on my way out soon to check in on some friend's cats. I've also been studying for my learners permit test and hope to get that done this week. It feels amazing to have been doing so much. I'm usually a disgustingly lazy person.

I hope everyone's well, thank you all for being so amazing.

This sounds good, but I would like you to get help sooner. I do have a small opperation in Elk Grove Village, IL. not making money, doing warehousing and packaging. I would like to get a resume from you and your husband, but that would need to be private messaged to me or you can send it to my company after we discuss private messages. I do stay busy, but since it is my company I can using "company" time.

 

[Perdue]

bling,

That is so kind of you. I just tried to send you a PM to seek more information, but unfortunately it's telling me that I can't send you a private message until I've made 15 posts.

I'm not sure if I'm able to reply if you sent me one.