A three year old should be able to understand this on a simple level. Best to ask him, when he wants to do "bad things" and boss people around, if he thinks people like bad people who do bad things. Ask him what he would do if his best friend (insert name) came over one day and started hitting him, breaking his toys, making a big mess, and calling Cade names. Most children will answer that they'd be very angry and sad. That's when you say to Cade, "When people are bad it makes other people angry and sad, and soon they do not want to play with those people, and the bad guys will have no friends to love them and play with them." THEN say "Mommy wants you to learn the good things that will make people love you and want to be friends with you." (enumerate some things...sharing, helping, playing nicely).
As for wanting to be "the boss" that's normal for three-year-old children...after all, we spent lots of time trying to teach them to dress independently, pick up toys, go potty, etc. that the biggest thing is "I CAN DO IT MYSELF".
For that, you may be better off offering more choices (Do you want to wear the red sweater or the blue one tomorrow? What vegetable would you like to buy this week when we go grocery shopping?), and then when he DOES say "I want to be the boss of things", you can respond by saying that by listening to you he will learn all the things he needs to grow up so that someday he can be "the boss of things" but that first he has to understand that the boss needs to know more than other people, so he should learn things. Ask him what things he'd like to learn? "Bosses need to know how to read and write...shall we try to write your name?" or "Bosses need to know how to be organized...shall we start by learning to better arrange your toys?" After a while, he'll either get heartily sick of it, and drop the "boss" suggestions, or want to learn more and more about managing himself and other people.
Three is interested in learning so much...if you recognize "I want to be the boss and do what ~I~ want" as "I'm tired of having no say in things/ being too little to do something/not having skills to do something" then you can either redirect or teach. Reward accomplishments! Praise positive actions. For a fun reward for something major, you can then say "I'm proud of you for (insert whatever here). Just for fun, Mommy's going to set the timer for 1/2 hour, and YOU can be the boss for 1/2 hour...what would you like to do?).
This can also be flipped to be a teaching tool if he's stubborn...If you hear "I want to be the boss!! in a tantrum-y sort of way, you can tell Cade, OK, he can be the boss until the timer goes off. Then be helpless....Ask him how to do everything you'd normally do "Boss, should we wash the clothes so they're clean tomorrow?" Wait for an assent...then say "Boss, how do I do that?" and get him to lead you through it...if he says "YOU KNOW" You say "Sorry, the Boss has to say so before something could be done." Teach him through having him help with every little thing that being the boss is about serving others, and directing others in good things.
If he can understand Bible stories, you can also tell him this one, in age-appropriate language:
The Request of James and John
10:35-45pp -- Mt 20:20-28
35 Then James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came to him. "Teacher," they said, "we want you to do for us whatever we ask." 36 "What do you want me to do for you?" he asked. 37 They replied, "Let one of us sit at your right and the other at your left in your glory." 38 "You don't know what you are asking," Jesus said. "Can you drink the cup I drink or be baptized with the baptism I am baptized with?" 39 "We can," they answered. Jesus said to them, "You will drink the cup I drink and be baptized with the baptism I am baptized with, 40 but to sit at my right or left is not for me to grant. These places belong to those for whom they have been prepared." 41 When the ten heard about this, they became indignant with James and John. 42 Jesus called them together and said, "You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 43 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 44 and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. 45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."
Get across the idea that for people to see him as strong and good you have to learn to help others.
This can be either light-hearted, or heavy-handed, as you wish to make it so. This time of year especially you can, when Cade is being "the Boss" for his turn, go to him with a serious face, and say "Cade, you're the Boss right now...Mommy just heard about some little children who have no warm clothes or food or toys...what shall we do to help them?" (hint..shall we give them your too-small clothes, or the toy you hardly ever play with, or buy his favourite foods to bring them to a food pantry?? Get a tag from the angel tree and buy that toy for a poor child?) Then do what he suggests, within reason and budget. Little ones who get across the message that being the boss means figuring out how to help other people will be happier (this also fills up the half hour time limit for Cade to be The Boss quite nicely. )
Sorry for the long post, just free-forming some ideas that have worked for me with people of the small persuasion.
