We're breaking up!

[Monaleezza]

Hi all
It's been a while since I've been on here, but I'm currently going through a crisis and could do with some, "independent" advice.
As well as listening ears so I can have a cry and a sniffle without judgement.

After 5.5years my boyfriend and I are breaking up. Not because we don't love each other or because we aren't great together, but simply because I am ready to get married and he is not.

He's younger than me by 10 years, I'm nearly 34 and I guess that's probably it. He doesn't want to break up, but I am struggling in a relationship that feels as though it's run it's course at this stage.

What can I do? I have cried for 2 days now and I could do more except I think I've run out of tears. So I'm just at work looking like a swollen red-face.

Any advice/words of comfort/sympathy?? I'll take whatever is going!

 

[Monaleezza]

I must say after a Red Bull, 2 ibruprofen and half a bag of Haribos later, I'm feeling a little better!

 

[DanuckInUSA]

I would say be honest about it. Sit down with him and discuss 1 and 2 Timothy and the outline found for Godly families and then I encourage you both to pray about the relationship. If he is not willing to be the man God needs him to be you may need to move on.

 

[Luther073082]

Thats always going to be a problem when dating someone significantly younger then you. They may not be at the same place in life.

Now at 24 considering how long you've been together I think he aught to seriously consider marriage. But him wanting to be single a bit longer isn't unheard of or overly immature.

Glad you are feeling better, just as long as you don't fall into a dependency of needing those things to function.

 

[Monaleezza]

I'm definitely not dependant. Crying all day and all night has a way of giving you a headache so I needed the pick me up.

The worrying thing now is that we're struggling to make a clean break. We love each other, we still want each other, we just don't want the same things right now! It's killing me.
So we keep seeing one another and that means we'll have to break up all over again.

 

[twins15]

Struggling to make a clean break is not uncommon at all... but if you are serious about breaking up, it must be done. It will hurt like nothing else, but it has to be done. A clean break will hurt a lot more in the short run, but a lot less in the long run.

I don't think you are being unreasonable... if he is 24 and you guys have been dating over 5.5 years, I think it is fair to wonder if he is going to be ready to marry. As Luther said, being 24 and not wanting to settle down yet is not unheard of... but if you are 24 and have been dating that long, I would think you would reach the point where you know if you want to marry that person or not. And a lot of times, the song is right... if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice.

 

[iambren]

"We love each other, we still want each other, we just don't want the same things right now! "

What does THAT mean?

Personally, if you've invested 5.5 years in someone's life they OWE you an answer. He's man enough at 24 to step up to the plate and give you a well thought out reason to marry or not marry.

Why do YOU think he resists marriage?

 

[Monaleezza]

"We love each other, we still want each other, we just don't want the same things right now! "

What does THAT mean?

Personally, if you've invested 5.5 years in someone's life they OWE you an answer. He's man enough at 24 to step up to the plate and give you a well thought out reason to marry or not marry.

Why do YOU think he resists marriage?

It means, he loves me, he doesn't want to break up he wants us to get married but not necessarily in the next 18 months which after 5 years is what I expect.

As for why he resists, I think he's scared. He comes from a family where his parents are divorced and I think he's scared the same will happen to us. He has no plans to leave and the idea of us breaking up is killing him but to marry he just can't get his head around why he can't happen later in our lives.

 

[iambren]

"It means, he loves me, he doesn't want to break up he wants us to get married but not necessarily in the next 18 months which after 5 years is what I expect."
Sounds like ambiguous postponment.


As for why he resists, I think he's scared. He comes from a family where his parents are divorced and I think he's scared the same will happen to us. He has no plans to leave and the idea of us breaking up is killing him but to marry he just can't get his head around why he can't happen later in our lives. "
First, a LOT of people have divorced parents, doesn't mean HE will divorce; it's HIS efforts that counts.

Second, what could/must happen to change his fears of committment?

Look, I have been through this. I dated my girlfriend for 5 years and it got down to decision time. I KNEW I would drag it out forever. Sooo, out of consideration for her I told her to pick a date and I would "man-up" with a decision ie I gave myself an ultimatum. She picked a date about 6 months away where at the end I sweat it out. The verse that came to me was "Perfect love casts out fear". So my fear battled out with my love for her and love won. We were married 3 months later and I felt SO free!
No one has to do it our way but he's not off the hook. It's show time and he has to deal with his soul with God's help. Again, he OWES you an answer!

 

[mina]

i'm so sorry.
I think he owes you an answer too. 5 years? I think it's time enough to know or not know if you want to marry someone unless you are under 21.

 

[Monaleezza]

Look, I have been through this. I dated my girlfriend for 5 years and it got down to decision time. I KNEW I would drag it out forever. Sooo, out of consideration for her I told her to pick a date and I would "man-up" with a decision ie I gave myself an ultimatum. She picked a date about 6 months away where at the end I sweat it out. The verse that came to me was "Perfect love casts out fear". So my fear battled out with my love for her and love won. We were married 3 months later and I felt SO free!
No one has to do it our way but he's not off the hook. It's show time and he has to deal with his soul with God's help. Again, he OWES you an answer!

Ambiguous Postponement is exactly what it is. I like your solution to your problem. It would work just fine for us and we're so in love and compatible and right for one another that he won't regret it. But if in the next few weeks he doesn't bite the bullet there is no going back.
I just wish he had someone around him to give him such good advice, but other than his mother I don't think anyone else would.

 

[Monaleezza]

So, you all have established that my relationship should be moving forward.
Now what?
Do I put a time/date restriction on how long he "thinks" for?
Do I break it off now and tell him to contact me if he wants to get married?
Do I stay here, painfully drowning in a drawn out break up?

What do I do?

 

[iambren]

You've been with this man for 5 1/2 years and it would seem like you could come to a decision together. Is someone holding out something from this picture?

Again, an honorable man owes you an answer and a reason at this late date. Are there underlying reasons that he has not disclosed thus far ie leveling? Specifically WHY will he not step up. I simply do not respect a man who would just lead a woman on and tie up her life with no good reason. That would be enough for me to move on to that man that REALLY loves you in word and in deed.

I'm sorry; I know this must be painful. It's a painful decision, one where your ultimate trust is with the Lord. Goodwill to you.

 

[Monaleezza]

I have asked and he does answer.
The WHY is:

• That he doesn't feel the need.
• It isn't urgent.
• It's something he plans for us in the future but not any time soon.
• It's not an immediate priority.
• He's contented with our relationship as it is, with us dating.

I've concluded those responses to mean he's scared of something. Because otherwise it doesn't make sense.
And I wonder whether his picture of marriage is negative because he comfortably talks about all the components of marriage, sex, companionship sharing a home, sharing finances, raise children etc.
And I wonder if that commitment feels like a ball and chain to him.

I've tried to allay any fears that he may have but he seems dead set on the about 5 reasons for notn changing things.

I planned to walk away in January and leave him to it, but he's asked for some breathing space and some thinking time. Which I'm glad to grant him because I don't wanna break up!

 

[PixieSunbelle]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 6 years and we have no plans to marry yet. I don't think its fair to rush him.... he's only 24! However your 10 years older than he is.... so hopefully you both can agree on something.

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

Give it until April... no more.

 

[iambren]

• That he doesn't feel the need.
• It isn't urgent.
• It's something he plans for us in the future but not any time soon.
• It's not an immediate priority.
• He's contented with our relationship as it is, with us dating.

ALL of these leave you out. Seems kinda selfish to me. Are you sure your not making excuses for him? The ball is in your court and I agree--April at the latest. This HAS to feel painful for you, sorry.

 

[Monaleezza]

So after almost 6 years of dating I found out he was cheating on me.
Here was I saving myself for marriage and he was sleeping with a girl at his "Christian College" and an ex just for good measure.

So it's over, I'm single and I've no need to frequent "Courting Couples" anymore because I'm starting all over again at 34 years of age, no children, and bitterly miserable!

Thanks everyone for all your help.

 

[gzt]

I'm sorry to hear that. That sounds rather tragic. Was it something recent (especially the last few months since this thread started), or something that's been happening for quite a while?

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

I am so sorry! I can't imagine your broken-heartedness and the pain you must be in. I will pray for you!