Welp, that was fun while it lasted

[bp88]

My wife (second wife) told me that she wants a divorce if I'm not willing to have a baby with her. She says that it's proof that I don't really love her because I had several children with my first wife even though I didn't want more than one or two.

I really don't know what to do. I asked her a month before the wedding what she wanted more, me or a baby (it would be adoption, she can't carry a child to term easily, and I'm, um, no longer equipped) and she said "you, of course." However, ever since the wedding she brings it up every couple of months, makes for a very bad week, and then she goes out to spend a bunch of money to make herself feel better. We babysat someone else's one year old this past weekend, and now it's up again. It made her want another child, it just reinforced for me that I don't want another (we have 5 betwen us, but none that are "ours".) I'm in my forties, and just not interested, and don't feel it's right to bully someone into something they truly don'y want. She says you didn't want all the kids you have, but you love them dearly. Yes, that is very true, but I hate - HATE- my ex-wife for the manipulation and Christian browbeating that led to the additional children.

She argues, you did it for her, why won't you do it for me? I reply, why should I repeat the same mistake?

Sorry, just venting. I know there's no real answer.

 

[PassionateOne]

My wife (second wife) told me that she wants a divorce if I'm not willing to have a baby with her.

I asked her a month before the wedding what she wanted more, me or a baby and she said "you, of course." However, ever since the wedding she brings it up every couple of months, makes for a very bad week, to the additional children.

She argues, you did it for her, why won't you do it for me? I reply, why should I repeat the same mistake?

Well, your wife isn't being very fair....you had the discussion already, before you got married. She chose you over having a child. And changing her mind after, is a deal breaker.
And her argument isn't valid, just because you had more kids with your 1st wife, because she got you to have more? She sounds off....sorry.

 

[iambren]

Seems nuts: "I'm going to leave you (the man I loved enough to marry) because you won't let me have a baby (with the man I loved enough to marry)."

Especially since she is already a mother AND knew the playing field at the wedding. It's sad; her head will go straight AFTER she's lost the man she loved and married.

 

[elli 36]

aww there isnt an answer to that is there? it will come right down to the fact of either you changing your mind and giving in for her or her doing that for you xx i really feel for you love as me and my hubby have 5 kids between us only 1 is "ours" and sometimes we feel a little broody and a bit sad taht we will not have any more but then we wake ourselves u0p and realise that we cant afford another child, my body cant take it physically and we dont spen enough "quality" time with the 5 we already have xx
perhaps you should have aproper discussion about this with your wife and let her know in no uncertain terms how you feel xx i think ignoring the issue is only going to make iot come to a massive screaming head! x i wish you luck and will remeber you in my prayers tonight love xx good luck and god bless xx

 

[Romanseight2005]

It is an issue that won't likely go away. How old are the kids that you have between you? If any of them are old enough to start having their own, then perhaps she could watch them during the day. Grandparents can often get lots of time with their grandkids.

She definitely needs to stop trying to change you though.

 

[dayhiker]

bummer, man. God give you grace.

 

[bp88]

It's not gotten better. We'll probably be splitting up soon, all the fight is out of both of us to continue. She just can't stand living in this house with me, and my kids are here for the summer, one of which may be staying, and she just overreacts to every little thing - they're either "disrespecting her", or she yells that the house is a disaster, or whatever. She's mad at me, and just can't keep it in any more.

 

[PassionateOne]

It's not gotten better. We'll probably be splitting up soon, all the fight is out of both of us to continue. She just can't stand living in this house with me, and my kids are here for the summer, one of which may be staying, and she just overreacts to every little thing - they're either "disrespecting her", or she yells that the house is a disaster, or whatever. She's mad at me, and just can't keep it in any more.

Sorry that is happening!! I just read your other thread about, custody of your son....stay strong & may you be blessed with a peaceful outcome for both situations!!

 

[bp88]

Well, things are really weird. She goes from saying it's her fault for changing her mind and hoping I would as well to telling me she hates me. I've tried to get her into counseling and she won't - she says "what will the counselor say? you don't want a baby and won't change, I want a baby and won't change -what is he supposed to say?" So I got a referral for myself, and I guess I'll go alone, and start preparing for the inevitable. My son is here now, permanently, and he says whatever we need to do, he's with me and supports me. Good kid, and I hope he doesn't need to support me that much at his age, but I'm glad he's here.

I'm just really sad about it, and mad, because she's taken a real "i don't care" attitude toward everything, especially finances, in retaliation for this.

 

[bp88]

Another conversation about it last night. She said she hated me for it. She later said she hated the situation, but wasn't in love with me any more because of it. She vacillates between "I'm sorry, I changed my mind and I can't help holding it against you and your kids" and "You planned all of this because you don't think it's a real marriage."

I understand her hurt - she lost several babies in miscarriages and a stillbirth, and her son is autistic, so she will never get the same experiences that other mothers do - prom, piano lessons, college - and she feels a tremendous loss, and knows she's young enough to find someone else to make that dream come true. I just wish she wasn't bound and determined to destroy me on the way out the door.

 

[PassionateOne]

I understand her hurt - she lost several babies in miscarriages and a stillbirth, and her son is autistic, so she will never get the same experiences that other mothers do - prom, piano lessons, college - and she feels a tremendous loss, and knows she's young enough to find someone else to make that dream come true. I just wish she wasn't bound and determined to destroy me on the way out the door.

Sounds like she needs counseling....she's been thru alot of loss & sorry to say, the older she gets, if she wants to try for another baby? it will probably end in more miscarriage.
Even tho, she's trying to blame you...it's not your fault, she is hurting. She needs to get help.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Obviously reading more I see she has some pain in her from some other things. But none the less this is why I make it crystal clear before marriage, marriage does NOT equal babies. Man + Woman does. Babies are a "Add on" package if both couples choose to.

But as stated above my post she needs some help. I'm not sure whats shes trying to do. If she already has a son, then why does she need another child? Is it to have a child whos "healthy?". Or is it because she just wants one with you? The miscarriages and all obviously took a toll on her, but its not your fault. Sometimes hard things happen like this. If I were her I'd be loving that I at least had a son, autistic or not.

What does she think of your children? Assuming you have custody.

 

[bp88]

She loves my children, but there's friction - some of it parenting philosophy differences, some of it I believe rooted in bitterness over the fact that I gave my first wife four kids but won't give her any.

I still love her, but she told me she hates me about a week ago. She then said she hates the situation, but she's no longer in love with me. But she still kisses back in the morning and grabs my hand when I leave for work, so I don't know what to think. She's just very confused about everything I think.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Yeah she does sound very confused. She needs to let go of your past with children. Our past is back there for a reason. Definitely needs a christian counselor. Even though she said she hates you, I don't think she means it. If she still acts like she loves you then she has a battle going on inside. The devils probably not making it any easier seeing her defenses down. You both are in my prayers.

 

[bp88]

Well, the final straw has probably come. She withdrew all of the money in our joint account this morning, minutes after payday, and she will not return it so I can pay bills and feed the family until I sign a document affirming I will pay her $x a month for five years if we separate. My lawyer calls it extortion and says to sign it - it will get thrown out in court. But I have a problem signing it knowing that I will try to get it thrown out - seems like poor integrity. My lawyer says the integrity problem is on her.

If I don't sign, she'll take the money I need to pay rent, the electric bill, the car insurance and all of our other bills. I will have barely enough just to feed my son and foster daughter and pay no bills at all.

 

[Annessa3]

IMO, this woman is in serious need of mental health help.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Are you doing ok today?

 

[akmom]

That's terrible. I would also be uncomfortable signing something like that. What if it didn't get thrown out? I suppose you should listen to your lawyer in legal matters. But if you don't, then you should at least open a new checking account for all your future paychecks. Call your utility providers and request an extended deadline, or a payment plan on your current balance. Usually they will accommodate you. At the very least, they may go easy on late fees or agree not to disconnect your services, if you make such a request well in advance of the due dates.

Worst case scenario, you'll sign her document and she won't return the funds immediately... then what?

 

[bp88]

She did return it last night, even though I never signed it. Now she's making nice and playing ball. She kept on saying yesterday she was gonna return it, just wanted to see if I'd sign the document to see how I really feel about her and would I leave her and her son out on the street with no support if we separated, or would I be willing to take care of her.

I understand her fear, I have compassion for what she would go through, but like always in this relationship, she couldn't pick a worse response to any conflict if she hired a panel of experts to find it. Everything's a power play instead of a negotiation.

I still love her, I still care about her, still think she's beautiful, but ye gods, I cannot figure out how to trust her again after this.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

She kept on saying yesterday she was gonna return it, just wanted to see if I'd sign the document to see how I really feel about her and would I leave her and her son out on the street with no support if we separated, or would I be willing to take care of her.

See that right there is what destroys marriage. Take her to a counselor and tell him what she did, he will agree that the worse thing you can do is lie about something just to see what your spouse would do. It instantly breaks trust. We all lie sometimes but lie after lie after lie add up and after awhile you get use to lying that you aren't even aware how often you do it.

I honestly would have a hard time trusting her now. And thing is lets say in the future she cries wolf again, but shes serious and you ignore it thinking shes lying. She will blame you for not listening then. Its when you say "This is why when you lie, I don't know when to trust you!". Would I leave her over it? Of course not. But I'd still go to a counselor.