Weed addiction

[LauraAviel]

Hi all,
I am here once again looking for help/advice.

I have previously posted a thread about helping my fiance with his depression. Now I am not sure whether the depression is really the issue here or something else. Because my believe is that he is addicted to marijuana.

While I do think that there is a chance that he originally turned to it to help him with his depression, which does work (so please don't make me read through all your answers concerning weed being purely evil, I do believe in its medical applications and wish they would legalize it medically everywhere!), he has become very dependent on it.

When he doesn't have it for even 1 day he completely breaks down. He becomes very depressed. Even worse than when he gets depressed with it. He believes that God hates him when he doesn't manage to buy more and turns to hitting himself to make God hear him (which really worries me).

Now I need to say this upfront: I am definitely an enabler in this because I pay for most of the expenses of our lives (which I am fine with, don't patronize me please, this is how our relationship has worked for years), including the marijuana.

When he has it, he really is pleasant. He seems to do great. I personally have no problem with him smoking since it really seems to help him deal with his depression and anxiety. The problem is that we do not live in a medical marijuana state, meaning we have to illegally buy it and if it isn't available he does terrible.

We have been working on moving to Colorado, which I was interested in anyway, but we are just not ready to move yet financially. So I am trying to figure out how to best help him in the meanwhile. I know there will come a point where he needs to learn to live without it, or at least not be dependent on it. But right now this is being decided by the availability of dealers. I just don't know what to do.

If I stop paying for it, and thereby force him to get over his overdependency (and I do believe he will be okay without it) that means I am making myself the enemy and the cause of his suffering, and I don't want to do that (especially since our relationship works on all funds being mutual no matter who made the money and I would be upsetting this balance). But at the same time I don't like seeing him suffer in pain and be dependent on some shady dealer or some unreliable "friend".

Any advice?

 

[John Davidson]

You aren't going to like my answer but here goes:

First off, are you living together? Why are you paying his bills when you are un married? Christians shouldn't be in this kind of a relationship outside of marriage.

Second, weed is a drug. It alters your mind and is known to bring on psychosis. I personally would never be in a relationship with someone who abused drugs.

Third, is he a Christian?

Either way I recommend leaving him, he's a druggie.

 

[mmksparbud]

I was ion medical marijuana for over 1 1/2 yesars, twice a day. I used it for pain. I hated to get off it, it helped me so much, gave me back a life. I simply could not afford it anymore. It took a little while, but my pain levels went right back to where they were before and I'm miserable most of the time again. I suffered no withdrawals. I believe this guy needs help --this is far more than something that marijuana alone would do. Those who get addicted to marijuana are few and they usually have other problems. I used to blame marijuana for my brothers drug addiction, took me years to realize he would have died the very same way (drug OD)had there never been any marijuana at all. He, like some, are dependent on something, it won't matter what it is. They crave the altered experience. For my brother the pot could never give him the oblivion he craved and he went to more potent drugs that could give him what he wanted. I know people who have been on pot for years and years, then had to quite when they could not get it anymore for awhile--they did not have withdrawals or depression anything. They were off it for weeks. All that happened was their pains, like mine, came back. You would be wise to not marry until he gets some help--if at all. He has some deep seated issues and he will not get better with you. He needs someone to help him mentally, you're helping him financially---he doesn't need a mother he can have sex with, he needs medical, emotional help. Be a Christian and get out and let him get the help he needs. In the meantime, it may be even wiser if you look into your own reasons for being with someone so dependent on you.

 

[LauraAviel]

First off, are you living together? Why are you paying his bills when you are un married? Christians shouldn't be in this kind of a relationship outside of marriage.

Yes we live together and have for almost 2 years. We aren't married yet because we were overseas previously and then after that things have kind of been going downhill.

Third, is he a Christian?

Yes he is a Christian, he was actually the one who got me saved, another reason I have trouble leaving him. Sadly although he has some resentment towards God with his life going kind of bad, which I am hoping he will eventually overcome.

Be a Christian and get out and let him get the help he needs. In the meantime, it may be even wiser if you look into your own reasons for being with someone so dependent on you.

I hear you. I have looked into my own reasons. I am an empath (maybe a little too much). My big problem is that I simply cannot walk away from people in pain. While I realize that this is a trait that can be good, I have gotten in over my head more than once...

The thing is that I have only recently discovered this about myself and we have already been in a relationship for almost 2 years. And while I realize that I need to put myself first I also cannot simply abandon him. I care deeply for him. Without me he has no money, is stuck in his mothers house and on top of everything I fear that he may just go ahead and kill myself. I would not be able to live with that. And then comes the other side: I have nowhere to go. I am not originally from the US (well I am half) but most of my family is overseas and on top of that I don't drive. I don't really have any friends in the area here except for mutual friends and I have resisted talking to anyone for help because it would just make him angry... So I am pretty much stranded in the unknown.

 

[Rasnosauj]

First off, I grew up hearing a few times marijuana is not addicitive (no withdrawls). Which is one the reasons I was cool with it. Laura, here's my advice. Have him get his marijuana card. I'm going to get mine soon for migraines. Then getting caught by the cops paranoia, goes away. You should encourage him to watch a movie with you, pray and getting him on schedule days he doesn't smoke. Do you think he needs medication for his depression? If so, don't hesitate do it don't grow worse. God doesn't hate him, he's testing him.

 

[LauraAviel]

Have him get his marijuana card. I'm going to get mine soon for migraines. Then getting caught by the cops paranoia, goes away. You should encourage him to watch a movie with you, pray and getting him on schedule days he doesn't smoke. Do you think he needs medication for his depression? If so, don't hesitate do it don't grow worse. God doesn't hate him, he's testing him.

Hi Rasnousauj,

Thanks for your reply.

We live in PA so medical marijuana was only just approved (in May) so it isnt operational yet = no way yet for him to get a card sadly.

I completely believe that he needs both medication and therapy for his depression but he won't give it a chance. I have tried several times to get him to consider it but he just gets angry.

I try to encourage him as much as I can, I just can't get him to see that God doesn't hate him, he just breaks down and hurts himself over it. Most of the time me trying to encourage him / stop him from harming just leads in him letting all his frustration out on me, which is really hard. Like today he was telling me that I was taking everything away from him so that he was trapped in the house having nothing left in his life and that I am simply a liar putting lies in his head and the reason he has no self-esteem etc etc. Then he slammed the door and went to bed. This is really hard because there is just no mutual ground on this territory.

So now I am just sitting here desperately looking for help on the forums.

 

[turkle]

You have said that your fiance is depressed. To list the things you've mentioned:

He smokes weed and has trouble when he can't get it even for a day
He claims that you cannot possibly understand his pain
He is distancing himself from God
He gets "SUPER angry" when you mention therapy
He believes that a therapist can't tell him what he already knows
You can't talk about it because he gets angry, whether he's feeling good or depressed. You can't say anything.
He is angry about everything: his life, the world, God
You are engaged, but you can't talk about the actual marriage
He won't talk to anyone. He has distanced himself from everyone. He runs after church so he doesn't have to interact.
He won't talk to you as he used to.
When you talk about the good in your lives and scripture, he turns his anger towards you.
There is no point in him trying to feel better because he'll just feel worse.
You are struggling with the pressure this puts on you because you are the bread winner, though you are not married.
He doesn't want to think about it...he doesn't want to deal with it.
He is hopeless because he thinks he's tried it all.
You are an enabler.
Because of his addiction, you are considering moving to a state that accepts this addiction.

These are all things that I took from this thread and the last one you posted. In addition, you are protecting yourself by being defensive and telling people not to patronize you because you are paying for and supporting this behavior.

What I gather from everything you've told us here is that you are "engaged" to a man who doesn't support himself, but relies on you to support his marijuana addiction. You are walking on eggshells because you cannot talk to him about his depression: he dismisses you by saying he knows it all and there's nothing that can be done. No one can help him. He does not value the opinions and expertise of anyone else, including you. He is a victim, and you just need to be quiet about it and continue to pay for him to do the exact same thing that he's always done, despite the fact that you are torn up about it. But if you try to talk to him about your concerns, he gets angry with you.

As a woman who has a lot of experience in relationships, and has watched a lot of young women make bad decisions by marrying men who take advantage of them, I have to ask you: why, exactly, do you want to marry this person? From your own account, he is draining you. You can't talk to him. He is angry, depressed and hopeless. He is losing faith in God, and has no faith in people. He just want to keep smoking his weed and wants you to shut up about it and keep paying for it.

I would never, ever marry such a person. Why would you? Do you think you deserve to live like this?

 

[turkle]

Yes we live together and have for almost 2 years. We aren't married yet because we were overseas previously and then after that things have kind of been going downhill.


Yes he is a Christian, he was actually the one who got me saved, another reason I have trouble leaving him. Sadly although he has some resentment towards God with his life going kind of bad, which I am hoping he will eventually overcome.



I hear you. I have looked into my own reasons. I am an empath (maybe a little too much). My big problem is that I simply cannot walk away from people in pain. While I realize that this is a trait that can be good, I have gotten in over my head more than once...

The thing is that I have only recently discovered this about myself and we have already been in a relationship for almost 2 years. And while I realize that I need to put myself first I also cannot simply abandon him. I care deeply for him. Without me he has no money, is stuck in his mothers house and on top of everything I fear that he may just go ahead and kill myself. I would not be able to live with that. And then comes the other side: I have nowhere to go. I am not originally from the US (well I am half) but most of my family is overseas and on top of that I don't drive. I don't really have any friends in the area here except for mutual friends and I have resisted talking to anyone for help because it would just make him angry... So I am pretty much stranded in the unknown.

I didn't see this before I made my last post.

Do you know what a codependent is? Because from what you say here, you fit the description. From what you said, you are trapped by your own need to rescue a man who doesn't want to be rescued. And you think that something awful will happen if you actually respond in a responsible manner.

I recommend that you download the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend immediately and read it. You are on a very, very destructive trajectory that you will regret terribly if you don't do something about it.

Praying for you.

 

[LauraAviel]

As a woman who has a lot of experience in relationships, and has watched a lot of young women make bad decisions by marrying men who take advantage of them, I have to ask you: why, exactly, do you want to marry this person? From your own account, he is draining you. You can't talk to him. He is angry, depressed and hopeless. He is losing faith in God, and has no faith in people. He just want to keep smoking his weed and wants you to shut up about it and keep paying for it.

I would never, ever marry such a person. Why would you? Do you think you deserve to live like this?

While you are right on with all your above statements there is also another side. Now I know this is probably going to sound defensive, but the reason I want to marry him is for the person he is on good days (which do happen, especially if he isn't worrying about getting weed). For the person that I know and have seen is in there. For the person who loves God and talking about his power and discussing the bible with me. For the person who loves taking long walks in nature with me and who will shed a tear for an innocent bird with a broken wing simply because he wants to help and protect it so bad. For the guy who won't let me buy him pants even though he only has one pair simply because he knows I will be spending my money on it. For the person who wants me to make him a bagel because he says he can taste the love i put in it. Because he is all these things as well. He isn't just someone who is draining me and has problems, he is also the person who led me to God, who got me saved and who played a big role in making me who I am, a loving and caring Christian. I feel like i owuld be failing him if I didn't honor and believe in that part even on the bad days (which I will admit are terrible and most of the things you listed above will apply on those days).

 

[LauraAviel]

Do you know what a codependent is? Because from what you say here, you fit the description. From what you said, you are trapped by your own need to rescue a man who doesn't want to be rescued. And you think that something awful will happen if you actually respond in a responsible manner.

I recommend that you download the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend immediately and read it. You are on a very, very destructive trajectory that you will regret terribly if you don't do something about it.

Praying for you.

I didn't see your second message either. Yes, I know the concept of co-dependency and I definitely fit the description I don't even have to read the book (although I will because who knows maybe I will learn something, so thank you for the recommendation).
I realize that I am sitting on a ticking time bomb and things need to change. I am just not at the point were I am willing to accept that this has to mean me leaving him and hurting him and also loosing him. I know he has great potential and I truly believe that he can make it. I can't believe that the only way for me to go here can be by the means of leaving him behind. Because the man that he truly is behind all the pains and troubles is a man that I really love and connect with.

 

[turkle]

He won't let you buy him pants, but he will let you fund his addiction.

I'm really sorry to read what you wrote. I wish I could tell you about all the disastrous relationships that ended badly that started out because the woman allowed herself to be used like you are. The women who wound up used and alone with children to raise and no support. The women who simply could not understand that they were putting themselves in an impossible situation because they feel obligated, and think that they love an unlovable man.

When you give yourself to a person who takes advantage of you because of "great potential", even though there is no actual evidence of that, you are setting yourself up for disaster. Sadly, I've seen so many young women like you who just won't listen, and really think that their love will conquer his self centered addiction. And almost always, they later wish they had listened to reason, but it's too late.

I hope that's not you.

 

[LauraAviel]

He won't let you buy him pants, but he will let you fund his addiction.

I'm really sorry to read what you wrote. I wish I could tell you about all the disastrous relationships that ended badly that started out because the woman allowed herself to be used like you are. The women who wound up used and alone with children to raise and no support. The women who simply could not understand that they were putting themselves in an impossible situation because they feel obligated, and think that they love an unlovable man.

When you give yourself to a person who takes advantage of you because of "great potential", even though there is no actual evidence of that, you are setting yourself up for disaster. Sadly, I've seen so many young women like you who just won't listen, and really think that their love will conquer his self centered addiction. And almost always, they later wish they had listened to reason, but it's too late.

I hope that's not you.

Acutally, in this case I have to protect him a little, when it comes to the marijuana I am definitely an enabler. He apologises and gives a whole sermon everytime we buy it and I tell him it is okay. I know I could just stop spending money on it and he would maybe get frustrated or depressed but he wouldn't dare ask me to spend it. The reason why I pay for it is because I see how he does with it and how he does without it and honestly I have to admit I lack the strength sometimes to deal with him without it. He just has so much anxiety and depression. That is my fault as an enabler not his as a user. The Colorado thing I by the way always wanted to do, I just love the countryside there and the landscape.

I understand that my situation is impossible and that I put myself there. The way I see it there are two ways out:
1) I can see it as a chance to try to better myself as the helper woman were created to be to man (hopefully in a healthier way than right now) and while I might not be the one to change him, he can be changed through God. I have seen him make real progress in certain areas but it is a hard depression is always a long road to recovery and an added addiction never helps. But hopefully through my prayer and perserverence and the incredible power of God there will be a change.
2) I can leave him. I can say that he cannot be fixed and that I cannot bear it. But this is were co-dependency comes in: I have nowhere to go, I don't have family close by or friends. I honestly don't have many aspirations that he is keeping me from. I would have to destroy this mans live even further and then go probably live with my grandmother and care for her because where else would I go... or try to save up the money to fly back to europe and live in my moms house in a country that I wanted to leave all my life. Do I want to do that? NO! I don't really have the wish to go through the pain and suffering of a seperation, then try to piece my life back together and realize that everything I have built in the last two years was for nothing... cause that sucks almost as much as dealing with a fiance who has a breakdown whenever he runs out of weed.

So please tell me (and I am not trying to sound sarcastic, it is an honest question): What is it that you would tell me to do?

 

[mmksparbud]

Let me give you some advice that came to me too late----never marry the potential, it is the here and now that you have, and that more than likely you will keep.
Re read all your own posts---you are being manipulated, you are being controlled, you are being used. For all intends and purposes, you are in an abusive relationship. You need to get out, it will only get worse. Get help, plan an escape and stick to it---this is not what God wants for you---it's not even what you want for you---it is what you have allowed yourself to fall entrapped into. Get your bible out, get on your knees, pray---get help and get out!!!!!

 

[Rasnosauj]

Proverbs 22:24New International Version (NIV)
Saying 3
24 Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person,
do not associate with one easily angered,

You should prepare some of the things you said in your posts to say to him. And with being desperate for weed, that's what evil spirits want. That desperateness in the mind could give them control over the person. The holy spirit could get him high when he needs to. You should have a prepared talk with him and if he doesn't change (prayer could turn him around), you might want to look for another person.

 

[Kenny'sID]

For me, an avid pot smoker for better than 45yrs, it began to cause depression or more like anxiety/depression. I got to the point I couldn't even enjoy it because it became evident in my heart it was a damnable sin. And don't think I'm judging, like I say, been there myself, but that was my experience. Anyway I quite a littler better than 2 yrs ago and for the first time in my life, no real desire to go back. For me, there was no addiction to speak of, I was only addicted to liking it.

I never had the problem but my brother has serous anger issues. He never gets away with it around me but his wife and himself admit that the pot fixes that. Thing is, the pot/any drug an fix a lot of things with anyone, but the way I see it is God intends that we experience life and all it's pains and we are not allowed to change that natural order. It's like saying well, God booted us from the Garden and made life a lot tougher for us due to the original sin, but while the others tough it out, I'm going to be smart and make some of that pain go away by getting on drugs. So to me it's not hard to believe God would frown on that big time. And yes, I realize it can be a bit more complicated than just that, but still, bears mentioning.

As far as it being a medication, I like many have my suspicions on that, and that's not to say there not are cases where it can be a legit medical fix but the way see it, those are few and far in between. Also, as I understand it, it's nothing to get the medical marijuana ticket. So for a good percentage, it's basically just permission to smoke pot and there really is not need, just want....not good at all in the eyes of God as I see it. Legitimate need? folks will just have to make up their own mind on that since the doctors just take their word for the need, but that decision is serious business and should not be decided lightly at all as I see it. This comment is onlt for those who don't need it but may use the excuse, "Well the doctor prescribed it" when it's essentially up to us just as it was before the law allowed it in some states...that, in my view, isn't going to cut it with God.

Maybe get with a good sincere Doc, explain the situation, let him know that if there are better ways you're willing. That could do away with the availability problem and maybe even end up with something that does a better job. Or maybe a sincere doc will want to leave things just as they are..IDK. Guess I'm just saying that I would feel much better in my relationship with God if I did my best to deal with any problem without feel good drugs, but I also know sometimes that's not possible, at least not without divine intervention.

Again, I'm not judging anyone and some of what I said/say here may or may not be relevant to y'all or your case....decide that for yourself..

One thing for certain, you're in a bad situation here, Laura, and much of it is brought on by yourself, but you seem to realize that so, that's a good start. You know, him blaming you like he did before he slammed the door and went to bed, and after all you do for him, that worries me. He seems to be somewhat sincere and has a want to please God, but is he sincere enough to walk the walk and work with you in getting him help?

Then on top of that, it appears you may be afraid of mucking things up and ending up alone. And if ,and only if that is part of the problem, it's a legitimate concern but, what's more important here, staying together and spending a lifetime as you are or trying to fix things? Weigh it all out.

Then there is the area of why isn't this guy working? You have a few problems here that might be all tangled up, one with another and not helping the main issue here at all.

Why isn't he taking some responsibility in taking care of the both of you? Why isn't he working?...just that alone can have unseen affects on a man, I mean insecurity issues that may not be real apparent but could be there nonetheless and part of the issue.

I want to say you really need to get the living together monkey off your back first and foremost, by either separation of living quarters or getting married. But I'm can't in all good conscience tell you, you should marry this guy. I'm sure a lot of these things have already crossed your mind, but you want god's blessings? and it seems to me you need that, I just don't think it's going to happen the way things are.

Only you two can decide what you are willing to do to make this work. If you're hell bent on staying with the guy, no matter what the issue, that does happen and isn't necessarily a bad thing, you may want to start with marriage or walking out until he chooses to get help. But don't just take my advice, listen to others, consider all, but in the end, you'll still have to decide. Honestly, I think you are on the ball enough to have a pretty good idea already of what you need to do, it's just that doing it is not so easy, and it wouldn't be for any of us.

Tough decisions, you bet, but I'm afraid that's what it's going to take here. There just isn't an Easy Button for this one, but I have no doubt willingness to get in Gods good graces and do whatever it takes to get there, can go a long way here.

Keep us updated.

 

[Rasnosauj]

It's like saying well, God booted us from the Garden and made life a lot tougher for us due to the original sin, but while the others tough it out, I'm going to be smart and make some of that pain go away by getting on drugs. So to me it's not hard to believe God would frown on that big time.

I read this morning in Proverbs that no plan could suceed against God.

I think walking out and seeing if he changes is really good advice.

 

[Goodbook]

I used to go out with someone who smoked weed. He never smoked it around me, only found out later.

There were other issues and he was a babe in christ.

Anyway we had some dramas mostly of his own making, so broke up with him, and he got himself into rehab. It was the salvation army that took him in.

Heres the deal, if you can suggest he go to rehab, pray for him. Those people are experienced with this sort of thing, you are not. Dont take on a burden you cant handle. Leave it with God.

I dont know if salvation army has rehabs in america where you are but look for a rehab that has a christian presence.

 

[John Davidson]

Yes we live together and have for almost 2 years. We aren't married yet because we were overseas previously and then after that things have kind of been going downhill.

Christians should not be living together or having sex outside of marriage.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

Leaving him don't mean he can't be fixed, you leave because you living in
sin and that's not how God wants his children to be living.
These young girls here, be doing like you, shack up with they drug using
boyfriends, making babies. They lives are a mess!
Those babies deserve better than that!
Some wise up and leave, while the others stay on in they messes.
Make another baby and be telling themselves things going to get better.
Another year pass on by and they still in the same situations they were in
five or six years ago.
I see both sides of the coin right here where I live, I see the ones who
do better and I see the ones who don't.
Some situations change because the drug using boyfriends goes to
prison for robbery or something and the girl got to move back home,
that is, if she got family that will take her and her children....some tough
it out, I have helped them when I can but I also have my own responsibilities
and it's not possible for me to help them all the time, I do what I can for them.

Learn to be a better steward of your money, time, affections etc.
Repent of being in sin and get back to walking with God and living
the way he wants us to be living as his children.
You tie things up by living sinful, God ain't going to bless that mess!

Seek out resources in your area that can help you find a place to live...
Salvation Army, churches or your own church, welfare.
I took jobs living in, like being a nanny and taking care of people who are elderly.
I looked for ads in the paper, asked around and even let it be known at church
that I was seeking a live in job being a nanny, care aide or housekeeper....back then
I didn't even have a car, so I know about being limited.
There even be people who hire someone to house-sit.
You may have to start down low on the job's scale but you can work your way up.

 

[John Davidson]

Yes he is a Christian, he was actually the one who got me saved, another reason I have trouble leaving him. Sadly although he has some resentment towards God with his life going kind of bad, which I am hoping he will eventually overcome.

I have a hard time believing he is a Christian. I've never met a Christian who regularly smokes weed. Smoking weed is a sin. God doesn't want us to dull our senses. Plus he is living in a sinful un married relationship with you. He needs to repent.

Do you go to church?

I don't know of any Christian churches who would accept your behavior.