We Are Separating

[rayodeluz]

The following is from a blog on another site. I'm reposting it here because, while I don't agree with everything the writer says, it is worth a read that shows why some are leaving the faith, and an interesting point of view. Be warned that some of his comments WILL ruffle the feathers of some of you.

We Are Separating

August 14, 2011 by Roger

After 18 years together, we’ve decided to call it quits. It’s mostly me, but I am sure deep down she agrees it’s the best thing, and is a bit relieved. The tension and disagreements we’ve been having the past few years have to be wearing on her as they are on me.

I know for many of you, this will come as a surprise, but for others it may not be at all. We’ve been struggling of late to find any common ground, and I am thinking we’ve reached the point where our differences have become irreconcilable. We just can’t live with each other anymore, and I don’t see either one of us changing that drastically.

She has also been cheating on me for years, and I just can’t take her infidelity any more. But in truth, in her eyes, I haven’t been entirely faithful myself. I guess we are both hurting each other that way.
I’ve tried to make it work…tried my hardest…but she isn’t willing to accept me for who I am.

She demands I change my very core, and deny who I am just to be with her. In truth, she’s tolerated my personality and idiosyncrasies for years, and would never admit out loud that they profoundly affect our relationship in a negative way, but they do.

She’s controlling, manipulative, and just plain nasty at times. She tells me who my friends can be, where I can go, and how I should feel about the important things in life…personal things…that are none of her blasted business.

She’s also a hypocrite. Her “public” appearance is just a façade and a lie. She comes off as loving, kind, warm, and welcoming…but in truth, as soon as people are out the door, she rips them apart.

Don’t get me wrong though, there were some good times, and I met some amazing people because of our relationship. I hope those friendships will continue once we separate…but I know many of them won’t. I think it would be just too awkward for many people to keep in contact with me. I’ll mourn the loss of those people in my life, but I know my true friends will walk with me through this.

I think the hardest part for me will be trying to figure out who I am without her. We’ve been together nearly all of my adult life…since I was 19…and I’ve derived a lot my personal identity from our relationship.

Not to mention all of the money I’ve sunk into our relationship, and the crushing debt it’s produced. I don’t think I will ever be fully divorced from her financially…she kind of ruined that part of my life.

I’ll miss her at times, but I think at the end of the day, we’re better off going in our separate directions. We’ve been drifting….and at times running…in separate directions since pretty much the beginning of our relationship. This is really a formality in many ways.

I hope the kids will adapt…I’m sure they will eventually. It will be hard, but I really have not liked the affect she’s had on them over the years. I am kind of looking forward to getting them away from her influence. I believe they will be better people in the long run with us no longer together.

So with all that in mind…and a lot more unsaid…I’d like you to be aware that Pam and I are separating from the church.

We just don’t fit anymore…if we ever did…and I can’t pretend to any more. I tagged people who have been a significant influence in my spiritual life or who are walking through this with me now, and please understand this is no reflection on you John, or Bruce or any of the others who have been mentors and friends to me over the years.

It is really the culture and community we can’t take any more. We don’t want to be separated from the world, and the church specializes in this. I cannot stand how much of the church…the Evangelical side of it mostly…has more influence from hard line Tea Party like politics that value money more than people, then the actual teachings and life of Jesus.

I also can’t stand idly by while the lion’s share of the church casts out the LGBTQ community. Their rights are this generation’s civil rights movement and test. The church has a horrible record with gender and racial equality in previous generations, and it’s even worse with sexual orientation equality now.

I just cannot attach myself to those who cast out the outcasts. Don’t be deceived, history will record the Church alongside the KKK, George Wallace, and those who opposed Suffrage. They will be the villains opposing equal rights…not noble crusaders defending what they believe.

I may not be a hero, but I refuse to be a villain.

The church is the popular kids in high school picking on the artists for being different. This is NOT what Jesus intended, and I cannot be a part of that anymore.

So yeah, I’m kind of bitter, but to be clear, it’s at the institutions of the church, not the people who make up the community. I love and cherish the people we’ve met through our journey through the church, and I’ve made some real lifelong friends that I know will never abandon me despite my mad rantings.

The people are really what make up the church not the ideas or structures that oppress. There are some amazing people trying to make a difference in the world through the church, and I am honored to know and have served alongside them. Many of my friends are some of the best parts of the church.

I have nothing but respect and admiration for those who choose to stay and try to change things. I hope you are successful, I really do, but I don’t have the energy or drive to do the same. I know the arc of history bends towards justice, and I look forward to that day…but I doubt I will live long enough to see it.

It isn’t my friends…no, it’s all the rest of the crap I just can’t take anymore. If I could return my MDiv for a refund…even a partial…I’d do it in a heartbeat, for example.

My relationship with Pam has never been stronger, deeper, and closer. I can’t imagine that is a coincidence since we have drifted apart from the church. We’ve been part of some amazing communities, but…to paraphrase Bono…still haven’t found what we were looking for.

I’m sorry to all those who I have disappointed…and I know I have. I’m sorry that the potential you saw in me was never fully realized, and never will be.

We need to move on though. Will we ever return? I don’t know…but if we do, it won’t be to the Evangelical side for sure. So what does this mean for my faith and what I believe? I honestly don’t know. I know what I believe about God and the message of Jesus, and in many ways that is why I can’t stay in the church.

I just don’t see them as being consistent with each other, and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore.

*sigh*

I need to go test some software now, thanks for reading and being part of my life in whatever capacity you are.

 

[Brieuse]

It's a common complaint these days. Is it a case of people being held to too high standards then accused of being hypocrites? or are churches too stuck in the rules and laws to listen to God anymore?

 

[Lady Derelict Content]

Nothing shocks me; I don't condemn you, Brother. Neither have you ruffled my feathers. The only thing that would offend me is if a child was hurt.

I doubt anyone here would have wanted to slip into your shoes and experience what you went through, and then have the audacity to criticise. But we all are different, some blessed in their marriages more than others, I guess. They are the more fortunate, whereas we are often made out as pariahs of our church community.

I applaud your courage to let her go. You loved her so much that the greatest most humane thing was to let her go, and you moved on. I have been in something similar with a partner who was as manipulative as a cat teasing a harmless little mouse. I walked out and kept walking.

No point living with each other torturing each other with words. You did the right thing in stepping out.

When you are ready, find another church. A bit further down the road, too. Out of sight of the Sunday Brigade you once knew, a church where you can start over and make new friends. Find a church that has good Scriptural teaching, fellowship and has a strong leadership. Ask our Lord to guide you, but test His guidance. You might need to visit a few churches until you know for sure. Keep reading the Scriptures - do you have a devotional or an online Bible reading website?

In conjuction with my Bible I use ODB who are excellent: Our Daily Bread

Please PM me if you need support or just want to talk. Times ahead may be rough, but our Lord has gone before you.

~Gaby

The following is from a blog on another site. I'm reposting it here because, while I don't agree with everything the writer says, it is worth a read that shows why some are leaving the faith, and an interesting point of view. Be warned that some of his comments WILL ruffle the feathers of some of you.

We Are Separating

August 14, 2011 by Roger

After 18 years together, we’ve decided to call it quits. It’s mostly me, but I am sure deep down she agrees it’s the best thing, and is a bit relieved. The tension and disagreements we’ve been having the past few years have to be wearing on her as they are on me.

I know for many of you, this will come as a surprise, but for others it may not be at all. We’ve been struggling of late to find any common ground, and I am thinking we’ve reached the point where our differences have become irreconcilable. We just can’t live with each other anymore, and I don’t see either one of us changing that drastically.

She has also been cheating on me for years, and I just can’t take her infidelity any more. But in truth, in her eyes, I haven’t been entirely faithful myself. I guess we are both hurting each other that way.
I’ve tried to make it work…tried my hardest…but she isn’t willing to accept me for who I am.

She demands I change my very core, and deny who I am just to be with her. In truth, she’s tolerated my personality and idiosyncrasies for years, and would never admit out loud that they profoundly affect our relationship in a negative way, but they do.

She’s controlling, manipulative, and just plain nasty at times. She tells me who my friends can be, where I can go, and how I should feel about the important things in life…personal things…that are none of her blasted business.

She’s also a hypocrite. Her “public” appearance is just a façade and a lie. She comes off as loving, kind, warm, and welcoming…but in truth, as soon as people are out the door, she rips them apart.

Don’t get me wrong though, there were some good times, and I met some amazing people because of our relationship. I hope those friendships will continue once we separate…but I know many of them won’t. I think it would be just too awkward for many people to keep in contact with me. I’ll mourn the loss of those people in my life, but I know my true friends will walk with me through this.

I think the hardest part for me will be trying to figure out who I am without her. We’ve been together nearly all of my adult life…since I was 19…and I’ve derived a lot my personal identity from our relationship.

Not to mention all of the money I’ve sunk into our relationship, and the crushing debt it’s produced. I don’t think I will ever be fully divorced from her financially…she kind of ruined that part of my life.

I’ll miss her at times, but I think at the end of the day, we’re better off going in our separate directions. We’ve been drifting….and at times running…in separate directions since pretty much the beginning of our relationship. This is really a formality in many ways.

I hope the kids will adapt…I’m sure they will eventually. It will be hard, but I really have not liked the affect she’s had on them over the years. I am kind of looking forward to getting them away from her influence. I believe they will be better people in the long run with us no longer together.

So with all that in mind…and a lot more unsaid…I’d like you to be aware that Pam and I are separating from the church.

We just don’t fit anymore…if we ever did…and I can’t pretend to any more. I tagged people who have been a significant influence in my spiritual life or who are walking through this with me now, and please understand this is no reflection on you John, or Bruce or any of the others who have been mentors and friends to me over the years.

It is really the culture and community we can’t take any more. We don’t want to be separated from the world, and the church specializes in this. I cannot stand how much of the church…the Evangelical side of it mostly…has more influence from hard line Tea Party like politics that value money more than people, then the actual teachings and life of Jesus.

I also can’t stand idly by while the lion’s share of the church casts out the LGBTQ community. Their rights are this generation’s civil rights movement and test. The church has a horrible record with gender and racial equality in previous generations, and it’s even worse with sexual orientation equality now.

I just cannot attach myself to those who cast out the outcasts. Don’t be deceived, history will record the Church alongside the KKK, George Wallace, and those who opposed Suffrage. They will be the villains opposing equal rights…not noble crusaders defending what they believe.

I may not be a hero, but I refuse to be a villain.

The church is the popular kids in high school picking on the artists for being different. This is NOT what Jesus intended, and I cannot be a part of that anymore.

So yeah, I’m kind of bitter, but to be clear, it’s at the institutions of the church, not the people who make up the community. I love and cherish the people we’ve met through our journey through the church, and I’ve made some real lifelong friends that I know will never abandon me despite my mad rantings.

The people are really what make up the church not the ideas or structures that oppress. There are some amazing people trying to make a difference in the world through the church, and I am honored to know and have served alongside them. Many of my friends are some of the best parts of the church.

I have nothing but respect and admiration for those who choose to stay and try to change things. I hope you are successful, I really do, but I don’t have the energy or drive to do the same. I know the arc of history bends towards justice, and I look forward to that day…but I doubt I will live long enough to see it.

It isn’t my friends…no, it’s all the rest of the crap I just can’t take anymore. If I could return my MDiv for a refund…even a partial…I’d do it in a heartbeat, for example.

My relationship with Pam has never been stronger, deeper, and closer. I can’t imagine that is a coincidence since we have drifted apart from the church. We’ve been part of some amazing communities, but…to paraphrase Bono…still haven’t found what we were looking for.

I’m sorry to all those who I have disappointed…and I know I have. I’m sorry that the potential you saw in me was never fully realized, and never will be.

We need to move on though. Will we ever return? I don’t know…but if we do, it won’t be to the Evangelical side for sure. So what does this mean for my faith and what I believe? I honestly don’t know. I know what I believe about God and the message of Jesus, and in many ways that is why I can’t stay in the church.

I just don’t see them as being consistent with each other, and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore.

*sigh*

I need to go test some software now, thanks for reading and being part of my life in whatever capacity you are.

 

[Izdaari Eristikon]

I don't think Roger needs to separate from church entirely, though he clearly is not a good fit for his old Evangelical church. IMO, what he needs to do is find a good liberal one.

 

[Diane_Windsor]

He is leaving his church because the church has imperfections? That is not a good reason to leave the church, which is made up of sinners. Obviously sinners are not going to run the church perfectly. If he has problems with his church then the he shold sit down and talk to his pastor about it.


OTOH, if a person has lost their faith (raises hand), or has serious doubts about doctrine or theology (raises hand again) then those are good reasons to leave the church.

 

[Lady Derelict Content]

I was suggesting Roger start over in a new church, not for the current one's 'inperfections', I never implied that. It was merely a practical suggestion, no more.

 

[Izdaari Eristikon]

I was suggesting Roger start over in a new church, not for the current one's 'inperfections', I never implied that. It was merely a practical suggestion, no more.

That was my thought. Roger seems to be unhappy because he's a liberal Christian in a conservative church. So, rather than give up on church entirely, it seems to me like he'd be better off looking for a good liberal church, which would suit him much better.

 

[rayodeluz]

Just for the record, I'm not Roger and I didn't write the essay in case anyone is directing comments towards me. I just thought this blog by Roger was interesting and decided to share it. This is the blog I got it from, so please leave any comments for writer there.
Roger | The Progressive Christian Alliance

 

[Freedom63]

I don't see Roger as leaving the church because of "imperfections" at all. I think he left because he no longer believes the church is following Christ.

I may be reading into the blog...but I know this is why I left the church just 6 weeks ago. I have been in it since I was born...have taught adults for 25 years, have even served as an interum pastor. I read the blog to my wife and found myself choking on Roger's words. This resonates with me more than you can imagine.

Will I find a church in the future? Hard to say where God will lead us one day. But I do believe with a great deal of certainty...God led us away. We are closer to each other and truly closer to God than we have ever been. And one other thing I am finding true in my life since the church has lost her influence over me...I truly love people again...all people.

Good for Roger.

 

[Freedom63]

I am curious how many here have left the organized religion type of Christianity. And of course how do you choose to field the questions of "where are you going to church now?"

 

[united4Peace]

Most of those I know either say they are Christian/believe in God (in their own way) and are against organized religion, or they are very fundamental...(I am better than you are!)...not to many that I know go to Church and are well...just themselves...not better, not worse...though I do know a handful.

 

[Celtic D]

I am curious how many here have left the organized religion type of Christianity. And of course how do you choose to field the questions of "where are you going to church now?"

Me and with the blunt answer that I don't go to church and never will again, or that I go to church online - both answers really upset the fundies

 

[Freedom63]

Me and with the blunt answer that I don't go to church and never will again, or that I go to church online - both answers really upset the fundies

Oh I bet it does.

So far I have only said that we are between churches and do not want to rush into it and make a bad decision. Seems to placate most. It is true...we do not know that we will never join another church even if it looks unlikely at present. Still...looking for that perfect answer that satisfies my desire to give a better explanation without deliberately challenging their beliefs.

 

[Izdaari Eristikon]

I'm no longer attending my AG church. I'm visiting a local Episcopal church instead in hopes that it will prove suitable. So far, so good, but I'll need more visits before I can be sure.