Wavering believer here

[TeacherMike]

Hi everyone:

My name is Mike, and a I am a teacher in California.

I was saved on January 20, 1998, when I was fighting severe clinical depression and was desperate for someone to take away the pain. The good news is that I have overcome the depression, the anxiety, and the cybersex addiction that I had fallen into, and have been sober for over 5 years now.

But the thing is that now, I wonder if I got saved for the wrong reasons. I wanted an end to my pain, and I would have done anything to get it. It ended, but not because God reached down and ended it. I asked Him for over a decade to deliver me from the addiction and the emotional pain I was experiencing. It was only when I began seeing a therapist, taking anti-depressants, and doing the Twelve Steps that I got sober.

I know that God probably used the things I have just mentioned to deliver me. But some of the people in my church have told me never to speak about those things; they only want to hear that God performed a miracle.

I am embarrassed to admit to anyone that I don’t have the deep friendship with Jesus that I am supposed to have, or that I can’t find much in the Bible that speaks to me despite spending time reading it, meditating over it, praying about it and asking the Holy Spirit to make it clear to me.

So what should I do? Have I been living a lie? Do I need to start all over?

Please, don’t judge me. I am being as open as I can in a forum like this, and I would ask you to give me your thoughts as believers.

Mike

 

[EzekielsWheels]

Hi everyone:

My name is Mike, and a I am a teacher in California.

I was saved on January 20, 1998, when I was fighting severe clinical depression and was desperate for someone to take away the pain. The good news is that I have overcome the depression, the anxiety, and the cybersex addiction that I had fallen into, and have been sober for over 5 years now.

But the thing is that now, I wonder if I got saved for the wrong reasons. I wanted an end to my pain, and I would have done anything to get it. It ended, but not because God reached down and ended it. I asked Him for over a decade to deliver me from the addiction and the emotional pain I was experiencing. It was only when I began seeing a therapist, taking anti-depressants, and doing the Twelve Steps that I got sober.

I know that God probably used the things I have just mentioned to deliver me. But some of the people in my church have told me never to speak about those things; they only want to hear that God performed a miracle.

I am embarrassed to admit to anyone that I don’t have the deep friendship with Jesus that I am supposed to have, or that I can’t find much in the Bible that speaks to me despite spending time reading it, meditating over it, praying about it and asking the Holy Spirit to make it clear to me.

So what should I do? Have I been living a lie? Do I need to start all over?

Please, don’t judge me. I am being as open as I can in a forum like this, and I would ask you to give me your thoughts as believers.

Mike

Judge not lest ye be judged...

But to your point first of all I'm glad to hear that you acknowledged that God had a part to play in your recovery, even if perhaps it wasn't an instant cure. I don't understand why they wouldn't want you to speak about those things as they are a testimony to the grace ans goodness of God. I can say that your testimony strengthens my faith so thank you for sharing it.

As to your lack of connection to God I wouldn't be ashamed of it. You are where you are and the truth is better than the lie. If you are honest with yourself then you have something to work with, a starting point. People access the Bible a lot of different ways and I think it's about finding the way that God reaches you. Some suggestions below:

1)Maybe do a study of Proverbs and apply it to your life and journal about the results or discuss it with your church.
2) Do a bible study locally or online and be honest about your lack of connection to the material and ask people how they are engaging with it.
3) Do a hobby or volunteering with Christians and see how God is playing out in their lives.

There is no need to "start over." You just nees to find a way to connect with God. Pray to him and ask him to show you how to have a relationship with him. He wants to have a relationship with you and he loves you more than you can imagine. I promise you.

I pray you draw closer to him and get to know him as he wants to be known.

 

[LightLoveHope]

Hi everyone:

My name is Mike, and a I am a teacher in California.

I was saved on January 20, 1998, when I was fighting severe clinical depression and was desperate for someone to take away the pain. The good news is that I have overcome the depression, the anxiety, and the cybersex addiction that I had fallen into, and have been sober for over 5 years now.

But the thing is that now, I wonder if I got saved for the wrong reasons. I wanted an end to my pain, and I would have done anything to get it. It ended, but not because God reached down and ended it. I asked Him for over a decade to deliver me from the addiction and the emotional pain I was experiencing. It was only when I began seeing a therapist, taking anti-depressants, and doing the Twelve Steps that I got sober.

I know that God probably used the things I have just mentioned to deliver me. But some of the people in my church have told me never to speak about those things; they only want to hear that God performed a miracle.

I am embarrassed to admit to anyone that I don’t have the deep friendship with Jesus that I am supposed to have, or that I can’t find much in the Bible that speaks to me despite spending time reading it, meditating over it, praying about it and asking the Holy Spirit to make it clear to me.

So what should I do? Have I been living a lie? Do I need to start all over?

Please, don’t judge me. I am being as open as I can in a forum like this, and I would ask you to give me your thoughts as believers.

Mike

Jesus calls us to learn how to love.
Start learning how to love those you know and your enemies.
When we say, nothing speaks to us, it is usually because what it is calling
us to do, we do not want to do, so our brains shut out the meaning
and implication of the words.

For many a young convert the first blocks are feeling towards their
family and being able to see their parents as parents, failed humans
with their issues, who can be loved and worked alongside.

I had to start showing love through hugs of my mother. I had to
forgive my father and understand his shyness and fear of being put
down. It had made me fearful of authority figures and incapable of
seeing God in the right light, and knowing the Fathers love more fully.

God bless you

 

[Natsumi Lam]

Hi everyone:

My name is Mike, and a I am a teacher in California.

I was saved on January 20, 1998, when I was fighting severe clinical depression and was desperate for someone to take away the pain. The good news is that I have overcome the depression, the anxiety, and the cybersex addiction that I had fallen into, and have been sober for over 5 years now.

But the thing is that now, I wonder if I got saved for the wrong reasons. I wanted an end to my pain, and I would have done anything to get it. It ended, but not because God reached down and ended it. I asked Him for over a decade to deliver me from the addiction and the emotional pain I was experiencing. It was only when I began seeing a therapist, taking anti-depressants, and doing the Twelve Steps that I got sober.

I know that God probably used the things I have just mentioned to deliver me. But some of the people in my church have told me never to speak about those things; they only want to hear that God performed a miracle.

I am embarrassed to admit to anyone that I don’t have the deep friendship with Jesus that I am supposed to have, or that I can’t find much in the Bible that speaks to me despite spending time reading it, meditating over it, praying about it and asking the Holy Spirit to make it clear to me.

So what should I do? Have I been living a lie? Do I need to start all over?

Please, don’t judge me. I am being as open as I can in a forum like this, and I would ask you to give me your thoughts as believers.

Mike

Hi Mike,

I think i should start by telling you a bit about me so that i can show we can relate.

I have severe depression, anxiety, dissociative identity disorder and PTSD. I was an severe alcoholic. I am also oppressed and have been inhabited by a demon.

I have been saved since i was young. I rededicated my life when i was older out of fear that i didnt want to go to hell. I became Spirit filled as in the baptism of the Holy Spirit at a later time.

I begged God to end my depression, anxiety, DID and PTSD. My family and church says i need to just pull up my boot straps and walk it out. They also say just read my Bible more and listen to Christian music more and go to home church groups. I have done everything by my own works to get free and healed.

This is what ive learned:
1. Jesus healed spiritually, physically and a combo of both. I realized i needed healing with both.

So physically i discovered many times God places God directed physicians in your life to assist with His healing when He chooses to not heal miraculously. Meds, Christian therapists and doctors can minister in your healing.

Spiritually i decided to research all the verses having to do with who i am in Christ and every verse where Jesus healed physically and through deliverance, i continued to pray for healing, and went through deliverance.

2. When i cant find passion for reading the Bible i think: what biblical subjects i need to fill in the gaps

I have a passion for deliverance ministries so i hoard verses that have to do with anything deliverance related.

I also go to Christian forums to post questions and answer questions to challenge my theology. This helps rekindle the passion of a subject directed study of the Word.

So i believe you are not living a lie. God can work with you no matter the reason you first chose to accept Him. You are His.

I think you should look at a word study of healing done by Jesus. Look at both the physical and spiritual. I know i need physical and spiritual healing. I needed deliverance.

Start coming up with a subject or them or word that you would like to know. Post it and read up on it in the Word. This can often rekindle passion.

So i will be praying. Make sure you know when you are weak...He is strong. Dont worry He has it Handled.

~Natsumi

 

[Tolworth John]

, I wonder if I got saved for the wrong reasons.

Have you never done something out of duty but ended up doing it for pleasure?

There is no 'right' reason why anyone is saved. The important thing is to be saved.

But some of the people in my church have told me never to speak about those things; they only want to hear that God performed a miracle.

And being saved in there opinion is not a miracle!

I would talk with the minister and if not satisfied start looking for a church that actual understands what salvation is.
#

o what should I do? Have I been living a lie? Do I need to start all over?

Don't start the depression, drugs etc again, but by all means reexamine just what you understand by Christianity, salvation and how it affects you.

Sometimes asking simple questions helps.
Try just asking, 'what struck me about this passage and why?'

 

[Southernscotty]

1 John 3:20 For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things.

My Friend, God was right there and working through every event and agent, guiding and sanctifying your heart all the time.
Give God all the glory no matter how you were healed because He deserves it and all good is from God.
God most certainly use Drs and medicines to save and heal.

 

[Tyler82]

Hi everyone:

My name is Mike, and a I am a teacher in California.

I was saved on January 20, 1998, when I was fighting severe clinical depression and was desperate for someone to take away the pain. The good news is that I have overcome the depression, the anxiety, and the cybersex addiction that I had fallen into, and have been sober for over 5 years now.

But the thing is that now, I wonder if I got saved for the wrong reasons. I wanted an end to my pain, and I would have done anything to get it. It ended, but not because God reached down and ended it. I asked Him for over a decade to deliver me from the addiction and the emotional pain I was experiencing. It was only when I began seeing a therapist, taking anti-depressants, and doing the Twelve Steps that I got sober.

I know that God probably used the things I have just mentioned to deliver me. But some of the people in my church have told me never to speak about those things; they only want to hear that God performed a miracle.

I am embarrassed to admit to anyone that I don’t have the deep friendship with Jesus that I am supposed to have, or that I can’t find much in the Bible that speaks to me despite spending time reading it, meditating over it, praying about it and asking the Holy Spirit to make it clear to me.

So what should I do? Have I been living a lie? Do I need to start all over?

Please, don’t judge me. I am being as open as I can in a forum like this, and I would ask you to give me your thoughts as believers.

Mike

Hello friend. No you aren't living a lie. Few Christians love without questioning themselves. I too don't have that deep spiritual friendship that I would like to have. These things aren't unusual. You don't need to start over. The Christian walk isn't Chutes and Ladders. I can't give you the formula for igniting spiritual friendship since I struggle with it myself. But I know that grace isn't a ladder. You aren't alone in questions or struggles.

I think we get too caught up in miracle spotting too. There's an old joke about a man in a flood praying for God to save him and every time a boat comes by he denies akd saying he's waiting for God. Then he drowns and when he gets to heaven he asks why God didn't help him and God talks about how he sent him several boats and why didn't he take them.

You took the boat. Touched By an Angel style miracle moments are rare. Boats are more common. And there's nothing unChristian about it.

 

[Tyler82]

Wish we had an edit function.

Most Christians don't LIVE without questioning themselves.

 

[Southernscotty]

Wish we had an edit function.

Left bottom corner :]

 

[LightLoveHope]

Hi Mike,

I think i should start by telling you a bit about me so that i can show we can relate.

I have severe depression, anxiety, dissociative identity disorder and PTSD. I was an severe alcoholic. I am also oppressed and have been inhabited by a demon.

I have been saved since i was young. I rededicated my life when i was older out of fear that i didnt want to go to hell. I became Spirit filled as in the baptism of the Holy Spirit at a later time.

I begged God to end my depression, anxiety, DID and PTSD. My family and church says i need to just pull up my boot straps and walk it out. They also say just read my Bible more and listen to Christian music more and go to home church groups. I have done everything by my own works to get free and healed.

This is what ive learned:
1. Jesus healed spiritually, physically and a combo of both. I realized i needed healing with both.

So physically i discovered many times God places God directed physicians in your life to assist with His healing when He chooses to not heal miraculously. Meds, Christian therapists and doctors can minister in your healing.

Spiritually i decided to research all the verses having to do with who i am in Christ and every verse where Jesus healed physically and through deliverance, i continued to pray for healing, and went through deliverance.

2. When i cant find passion for reading the Bible i think: what biblical subjects i need to fill in the gaps

I have a passion for deliverance ministries so i hoard verses that have to do with anything deliverance related.

I also go to Christian forums to post questions and answer questions to challenge my theology. This helps rekindle the passion of a subject directed study of the Word.

So i believe you are not living a lie. God can work with you no matter the reason you first chose to accept Him. You are His.

I think you should look at a word study of healing done by Jesus. Look at both the physical and spiritual. I know i need physical and spiritual healing. I needed deliverance.

Start coming up with a subject or them or word that you would like to know. Post it and read up on it in the Word. This can often rekindle passion.

So i will be praying. Make sure you know when you are weak...He is strong. Dont worry He has it Handled.

~Natsumi

Your testimony reminds me of a few words
Patience, endurance, perseverance, faithfulness, mercy

I am a thinker, and get an idea and rush off with this is the most significant thing in the world.
After a time it falls into its proper place.

Emotions. So much of our lives are driven by how we feel in the moment. And sometimes we just need to get up and do something else. Emotions also follow trends which we can encourage or change.

None of these powerful realities come into focus over night, but with faithful, chosen steps with Jesus. My kids wonder at my family and how I am as I am when they do not work properly. And the answer is Jesus and His work in my life since I was a kid. I am in no way finished, but what lies ahead is greater than what lies behind.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.
2 Peter 1:5-7

 

[DLovingBrother]

Hi Mike,

As some have said, there is no right or wrong reason for being saved. The only reason to be saved is that you accept Him. He does not question your motive because as you abide in Him, you will eventually grow to love Him for the right reasons.

God performed a miracle, they were right. But God used people, medical professionals, prayer, people who prayed for you, medicine, and everything else that worked on you because all these came from God. Even a doctor who does not believe in God but helps you get well is, in the final analysis, an instrument of God. When people like those in your church or even from this forum tell you something, evaluate it if what they are saying makes sense, even if they are sincere in what they are saying. They could be sincerely wrong.

Do not be embarrassed if I don’t have the deep friendship with Jesus, just enjoy your time with Him, your devotion and studying of His word and it will come. That is why He told us to simply abide. When I was a new Christian I also had a hard time but I was part of a small group / Bible study group. And I supplemented my understanding with some of these websites.

The following are website of very reliable teaching pastors, listen to these every once in a while: In Touch Ministries, Turning Point, Grace to You, Harvest Ministries.

This one is a website loaded with Biblical answers to almost any question: Got Questions.

Finally, this article, though not exactly fitted to your situation, might help Christian Has Deep Doubts About Their Salvation.