Was waiting worth it for you?

[heathjeb]

Yes it was worth it.

 

[GMullins]

I wish I had waited... I had a rather crazy childhood and grew up way too fast. Now that I look back I wish I would have waited until my wedding night.

 

[MountainBluebird]

I waited and I think it was worth it because for several reasons, but the primary reason would be because God wanted me to wait.

 

[LinkH]

I'll be honest with you (no spouse on board). I have no clue whether waiting was worth it. Sex is mediocre, and if could go back in time, I would probably just avoid meeting my current wife and look for someone else. Or, if for some reason in this sci-fi plot fantasy I could go back and was bound to marry her again (or turn into a pumpkin), I would probably just have as much sex as possible until meeting her again.

That last line causes me to be concerned for you. If you are thinking about what you would do in a situation, and your conclusion is that you would sin against God, then that's something you really need to pray about, and repent about.

My wife and I have fairly frequent (2-3x week), fairly uninspiring sex. Occasionally, it's fantastic. Why is that? It all comes down to whether she wants it or not. On the rare occasions that she is horny and engaged - it's amazing and fulfilling. The rest of the time, I'm not sure she even wants me around. Why is she sometimes interested and sometimes not? There is no telling - only the person themselves can decide they are motivated, nobody else.

I get the impression you seem to be dissatisfied with your wife as well. It could be a cycle, where she picks up on your attitude toward her, so she isn't that excited about you. And you pick up on her disinterest, and become more displeased with her. If you two could rekindle the spark, she might be more motivated in your relationship.

But there are clues, and these clues can help you truly make a wise decision in your partner. You cannot change a lazy unmotivated, fickle and uncaring partner. What you can do is avoid picking one in the first place.

A motivated, loving, Christ-like, caring, attentive, friendly, sacrificial, obedient, humble woman will be a great sexual partner. It doesn't matter if the wedding night is a hilarious awkward non-starter. She is a gem, and her desire to love you will eventually make sex an amazing and bonding experience.

Easy right? Wrong, since 90%+ of even church-going, Christian women are not that woman, and you can't easily know who is. The following are clues to help.

You have some advice here, but it's for the unmarried. It's not going to help married couples very much. And a lot of women who have the potential to be really good wives could be less pleasing wives if they are depressed or feel unloved in their marriages.

These are not magical or sound-bite worthy, they are just accurate and borne of experience:
- How much time does she spend watching TV?
- How much does she like to eat out?
- Does she hit the gym?
- Does she like to gossip?
- When bored for 5 or more seconds, does this require her to stare into her phone until something worthy of attention appears?
- Does she sleep in?
- Does she serve others in any significant way that does not include a paycheck?
- Does she have a good relationship with her parents?
- Do her parents have a great relationship
- Is her mom a sacrificial, loving, sweet, attractive, soft-spoken, ladylike women of God? (ALERT: Jackpot criteria here, DON'T MISS)
- Does she complain a lot about others, work, situations etc?

These are all fair questions for those looking for a spouse.

This is the most important decision of your life. Don't settle for a typical north american self-indulgent, directionless, overweight complainer with a token verbal acceptance of being Christian. Find a real woman who models herself on Christ.

I don't disagree, but, again, that is advice for the unmarried. Women also need to be careful before getting married as well.

 

[hitops]

That last line causes me to be concerned for you. If you are thinking about what you would do in a situation, and your conclusion is that you would sin against God, then that's something you really need to pray about, and repent about.

You're right, that statement is just born of frustration.

I get the impression you seem to be dissatisfied with your wife as well. It could be a cycle, where she picks up on your attitude toward her, so she isn't that excited about you. And you pick up on her disinterest, and become more displeased with her. If you two could rekindle the spark, she might be more motivated in your relationship.

Agreed, but it takes both parties. I can't do that if I'm the only one interested.

You have some advice here, but it's for the unmarried. It's not going to help married couples very much. And a lot of women who have the potential to be really good wives could be less pleasing wives if they are depressed or feel unloved in their marriages.

I don't disagree, but, again, that is advice for the unmarried. Women also need to be careful before getting married as well.

If I'm not mistaken, the OP was unmarried, seeking this kind of advice.

You have an attitude problem.

Do some dishes. Make her breakfast. Tell her she's beautiful. Write her a love letter.

Stop being a whiny entitled boy.

# 1 and 3 are done every single day. The other two, to no avail when tried.

I get it - women are probably used to guys complaining about stuff but then not helping, not taking care of themselves, being unavailable. This could not possibly be further from reality at my house.

It sounds like your wife might have some problems with her self-image, and based on the description that you have given of her, it's not much of a wonder why.

No, it is quite a wonder why. She's had this ever since I've known her, which was years before we were ever dating. The frustration is that although I constantly try to compliment her (and I do mean constantly - several times a day), and remind her she has purpose in Christ, it's futile. She is determined not to accept it. When a person can't accept themselves, they can't love others. I have great relationships everywhere else. When I think about my work relationships, family, friends etc, I feel incredibly blessed. There is a single solitary source or stress in my life - the wife. Her family is amazing, so helpful and a huge blessing. I wish I could have the in-laws without the wife that came with them.

 

[hitops]

Double post

 

[Inkachu]

You tell her she's beautiful several times a day, but do you TREAT HER as though she's beautiful? Your words are full of nothing but scorn and dislike towards her. Lip service is cheap if she can tell that your heart doesn't back it up.

 

[hitops]

You tell her she's beautiful several times a day, but do you TREAT HER as though she's beautiful? Your words are full of nothing but scorn and dislike towards her. Lip service is cheap if she can tell that your heart doesn't back it up.

What I'm saying here is what I feel for her. Day to day in the form of words and actions, you cannot find a more involved and supportive husband. Her own family has said that to her in exactly those words. For 7 years I've forced myself to have a good attitude to boot. I'm getting close to not being able to fake it any longer

 

[Inkachu]

You don't think she knows you're faking it? Haven't you heard of "women's intuition"? Not saying she absolutely knows everything that's going on in your head, but for someone who's been with you for 7 years and knows you day in and day out... I'd be surprised if she was completely clueless about this.

And I'm wondering WHY you compliment her so excessively when you don't even mean what you're saying? Inside (according to your posts) you're thinking things like "I can't fake this much longer" and "I wish I could have your in-laws without having you". What are you trying to accomplish? You say she's been like this even years before you dated and married her. Why did you willingly and knowingly get into a relationship with a woman whose attitude and personality are so repugnant to you? You're basically saying you married a woman you can't stand.

I'm not attacking, I'm honestly curious.

 

[akmom]

Some people can't "stand" anyone. It's not necessarily her. Some men are so deeply self-absorbed that they can only perceive flaws, feel entitled to everything they desire (likely without realizing it), and feel righteous for enduring anything less. It doesn't matter whether their expectations are reasonable. Those are simply their expectations, and when they are not met, they feel gypped. They also have a backward way of viewing their own conduct, such as, "If I tolerate this situation, I deserve credit" (even if it's a perfectly tolerable situation, just simply not everything they imagine they want) or "If I inconvenience myself, I deserve credit" (even it's as minor an act as saying 'Thank you' or tossing a sock into the hamper) and "If someone compliments me about one thing, it can be extrapolated to mean I am perfect in every way and others are lucky to have me" (rather than taking the compliment for what it is, or even realizing that it could just be politeness or encouragement and nothing more).

No one is perfect. The question is, what imperfections do I have, according to my spouse? And what can I do to improve them? If that is not a person's attitude, then that is why their spouse does not respond with the same appreciation they *think* she should feel.