Was waiting worth it for you?

[InnocenceCannon]

I'm going to get dishonest answers due to people not wanting to admit this if their spouse also visits the board...

But anyways, I was curious if the wait before marriage for sex was worth it for you? Or if it sex ended up being overrated/you felt a slight regret for what you missed out on waiting?

Also for those who didn't wait for marriage, do you feel the previous relationships/encounters you were involved with were positive experiences overall? Or was it horrible for you?

 

[akmom]

Yes, it was worth it for me. I'm afraid that listing the reasons would come across as hurtful to others. You might evade that problem by posting in the Women's Only forum.

 

[akmom]

Oops, I guess that would be the Men's Only forum, in your case. Forgot to look at the icon before I posted.

 

[tall73]

I'm going to get dishonest answers due to people not wanting to admit this if their spouse also visits the board...

But anyways, I was curious if the wait before marriage for sex was worth it for you? Or if it sex ended up being overrated/you felt a slight regret for what you missed out on waiting?

Also for those who didn't wait for marriage, do you feel the previous relationships/encounters you were involved with were positive experiences overall? Or was it horrible for you?

I am going to ask a clarifying question your way:

Do you believe God says anything about whether you need to wait?

 

[seeingeyes]

I'm going to get dishonest answers due to people not wanting to admit this if their spouse also visits the board...

But anyways, I was curious if the wait before marriage for sex was worth it for you? Or if it sex ended up being overrated/you felt a slight regret for what you missed out on waiting?

Also for those who didn't wait for marriage, do you feel the previous relationships/encounters you were involved with were positive experiences overall? Or was it horrible for you?

I really think it depends on why you're waiting. There was a guy in here a couple weeks ago who was seriously regretting that he didn't bang a bunch of chicks in his youth even though he said he loved his wife.

But it sounded like he waited because everyone else told him that he should so that he would be "pure".

Myself, I was married very young (and I had a shot gun wedding at that!), so I didn't wait very long. I was "protecting my purity", but it turns out I wasn't doing it very well.

At any rate, no regrets. Sixteen years in and I don't regret my "purity" and I don't regret the "loss of purity", and I certainly no longer judge "purity" by where my bits have been, but by where my heart is. Where your heart is, there your bits will be also...to paraphrase.

 

[InnocenceCannon]

I really think it depends on why you're waiting. There was a guy in here a couple weeks ago who was seriously regretting that he didn't bang a bunch of chicks in his youth even though he said he loved his wife.

But it sounded like he waited because everyone else told him that he should so that he would be "pure".

Are you suggesting that you can wait for the wrong reason (because you think your purity will be rewarded). Or that you can disobey the rules by not waiting for the right reason?

 

[seeingeyes]

Are you suggesting that you can wait for the wrong reason (because you think your purity will be rewarded). Or that you can disobey the rules by not waiting for the right reason?

Well, looking for a reward is the problem. If I do x, I will get y. That works at the grocery store, it works at your job, but it doesn't work quite as well in a marriage, and it doesn't work at all in the kingdom of grace.

It is entirely possible to be outwardly pure, but inwardly full of dead men's bones, yes.

 

[WolfGate]

I'm going to get dishonest answers due to people not wanting to admit this if their spouse also visits the board...

Way to start off telling us what you really think of us in here. "You're a bunch of liars but I'm going to ask you a question anyways. (tongue in cheek, of course)

But anyways, I was curious if the wait before marriage for sex was worth it for you? Or if it sex ended up being overrated/you felt a slight regret for what you missed out on waiting?

Also for those who didn't wait for marriage, do you feel the previous relationships/encounters you were involved with were positive experiences overall? Or was it horrible for you?

I didn't start following Christ until I was out of college, and as a result saw no need to wait - none of my group did. I am the only person my wife has been with. In the end, while I know I was sinning and for that reason alone wish I had waited, it does not impact our marriage now. Which means I don't think about it at all unless someone asks a question like this.

 

[katautumn]

Also for those who didn't wait for marriage, do you feel the previous relationships/encounters you were involved with were positive experiences overall? Or was it horrible for you?

Positive? No. I wish I had waited, to be honest. I don't feel that sexual encounters I had previous lent anything to the sex life I have with my husband.

 

[akmom]

I think it's less about expecting some reward, and more about avoiding consequences. And there are serious consequences to premarital (or extramarital) sex. There is of course pregnancy, and the broken homes that result when people have children together without first making a deliberate commitment to each other (marriage). Then there are STDs, many of which are astoundingly common... such as 80% of people contracting HPV (and some going on to get cancer from it), and 25% of people contracting herpes. I can't imagine life like that. Even if you are among the majority who recover from HPV, having multiple partners makes you part of the transmission that will ultimately harm some. And living with herpes, though not exactly fatal or debilitating, would be absolutely unpleasant. And that is not to mention some of the more serious illnesses, like HIV, syphilis and chlamydia. Many of these are responsible for infertility, which would be absolutely devastating. I know not everyone wants kids, but most people prefer that decision to be on their own terms, and not the result of a hidden illness contracted by sex years prior. Since HPV was only discovered in the last decade, I have to wonder how many other undiscovered STDs are out there, spreading among the population and causing symptoms yet to be attributed to a virus. Who would have thought cancer could be traced back to a virus? I really do wonder how many illnesses out there are caused by or exacerbated by undiscovered diseases.

And even condoms do not protect fully against herpes and lice, so "safe" sex isn't necessary foul-proof either.

All I know is that I don't envy many of my peers who practiced promiscuity. There have been life consequences for them, mainly involving pregnancy. And I also think that if you find a partner willing to wait with you, that says a lot about their integrity in general. Wouldn't you want to establish that trait in a future spouse?

 

[LinkH]

My wife and I were both virgins at marriage, and I am glad we waited.

There may be some benefits to waiting as far as marriage and post-marriage sex life go. But that shouldn't be the sole motivation. As Christians, we are to refrain from fornication because it is the will of God for us to do so.

There are several benefits we can get from waiting until marriage. There is some research to suggest that men who marry women who've never slept with another man are much less likely to divorce them. For a virgin, having sex is a big deal, and there is bonding that comes through sex. If you sleep around before marriage, bond, break the bond, bond, break the bond, that may not be good for your relationship. If your wife didn't sleep around before marriage, you may trust her more that she won't cheat on you after marriage.

The Bible teaches that two shall be one flesh. That is God's will, not men and women sleeping with multiple partners without the commitment and covenant of marriage. If you wait and you don't experience an amazing sex life without problems, that doesn't mean you should have slept around before marriage. Having sexual pleasure shouldn't be our main goal in life. We should be seeking to please God. Fornication does not please God.

Something else to keep in mind is that sex is designed for reproduction. It feels good, physically and emotionally, or it should if done right in the right context. But these positive things about sex are things that drive us to reproduce. If sex felt like vomiting, the species might quickly die out. TV and movies teaches the idea that sex is about recreation and pleasure. If we pick up that philosophy from TV or movies, that can warp our thinking. If we realize that children are much better of with their mother and father, and that sex can produce children, then it really makes sense to keep it in marriage. God knows what's best for us.

 

[Inkachu]

I'm going to get dishonest answers due to people not wanting to admit this if their spouse also visits the board...

What a silly comment to open with. If someone here got married under false pretenses, they have much bigger problems going on.

But anyways, I was curious if the wait before marriage for sex was worth it for you? Or if it sex ended up being overrated/you felt a slight regret for what you missed out on waiting?

Also for those who didn't wait for marriage, do you feel the previous relationships/encounters you were involved with were positive experiences overall? Or was it horrible for you?

I wasn't a physical virgin when I got married, but I had rededicated myself to celibacy for a long time before I got married, and my husband and I did not have sex until our wedding night.

Your questions are a bit vague, though. What do you mean by "positive" or "horrible" experiences? Are you talking about physically, emotionally, spiritually, or all of the above?

 

[tall73]

Or if it sex ended up being overrated

Well if it was overrated, and sex wasn't that great to begin with, what harm would there be in waiting anyway, as it wouldn't be anything great before either? And if it is the other way, and great, then why not wait and share that with your spouse only, as the one flesh relationship was designed?

you felt a slight regret for what you missed out on waiting?
Also for those who didn't wait for marriage, do you feel the previous relationships/encounters you were involved with were positive experiences overall? Or was it horrible for you?

What advantage would there be to making a one-flesh relationship with someone you don't intend to stay one-flesh with?

If Jesus said let them not be separated, then that is how it should work.

Our opinions of our subjective experience will not change that.

Do you personally believe God says anything on this topic? Or do you think He does not? Or do you not know one way or the other?

 

[akmom]

Having sexual pleasure shouldn't be our main goal in life. We should be seeking to please God. Fornication does not please God.

This. I really think there is way too much emphasis on this singular aspect of life.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Well people who have not had sex assume its the same before and after. And maybe for them it is. For me I lost my virginity before marriage (years before I met my wife). But having sex it after marriage it felt...different. Its as if the sex before marriage was just that... meaningless sex that felt good but thats it. After marriage it felt good but it was something way more bonding. Something spiritual really. Not sounding corny but it felt like God made it better because we waited to enjoy His gift to a married couple with each other.

While I do obviously regrets sinning by having it before marriage, I am happy I did I made the mistake because I know see why people say you should wait. Because its very different after your married. Its not really sex either its "making love". Granted I call it sex just to keep things simple.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Also for those who didn't wait for marriage, do you feel the previous relationships/encounters you were involved with were positive experiences overall? Or was it horrible for you?

Neither of us waited and I don't think either of us would have expected the other to. I would have liked that we were each other's first marriages, but if I am being 100% honest, I can't say that I regret we weren't. For both of us, our first marriages made us stronger for our second, and for him it resulted in two gorgeous kids. So whenever I think "you know, I wish we'd married just each other," I remember that and I can't really feel bad or mournful about it. Frankly, I think it needed to happen.

Overall, my previous relationships and encounters were highly positive experiences, even the failed marriage and a couple of rough breakups.

 

[akmom]

I don't quite understand amicable divorces. I mean it is obviously the best way to divorce, and I support the concept of using mediation and mutual respect to maximize both parties' happiness. It's definitely the mature way to handle a separation, especially with children because the parenting relationship is on-going, and it's an improvement over the typically nasty divorces our parents' generation had.

But if I was able to get along with someone like that, I'd just want to salvage the marriage in the first place!

 

[Kylie]

I lost my virginity to my husband, although it was long before we were married (several years). To be honest, it was clumsy and rather silly, and I'm pretty sure I would have been quite disappointed if I'd waited for marriage to sleep with him.

 

[Kylie]

I don't quite understand amicable divorces. I mean it is obviously the best way to divorce, and I support the concept of using mediation and mutual respect to maximize both parties' happiness. It's definitely the mature way to handle a separation, especially with children because the parenting relationship is on-going, and it's an improvement over the typically nasty divorces our parents' generation had.

But if I was able to get along with someone like that, I'd just want to salvage the marriage in the first place!

I've seen some couples who are great as friends but just don't work as romantic partners. Different kinds of relationships require different things from people, and sometimes people can give each other what they need for a platonic relationship but not a romantic one.

 

[akmom]

Yeah, I've heard that before. But I don't agree. I think a person can adjust their needs, and accommodate their spouse, if that's their priority. I mean let's face it, if we just pursued our wants and perceived needs, it would be like falling down an abyss trying to get to the bottom of it. We're unquenchable. I think it's more about being content and focusing on our responsibilities and appreciating what we have, than pursuing some romantic "need." Not to mention that a couple has obviously found romantic fulfillment at some point. The potential is there. It seems like an amicable relationship is a pretty friendly environment for pursuing it, compared to what many struggling marriages face.