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Was This Wrong?

Discussion in 'General Struggles' started by DandyDandelion, Feb 13, 2014.

  1. DandyDandelion

    DandyDandelion Newbie

    I will attempt to keep a long story as short as possible. I just need to know if I am crazy because I have been wondering for three years now. Three years ago, I was dating this guy. I trusted him and thought I would be safe with him. One night, he attempted to get more physical than what I was comfortable with. He put his hand down my pants and I asked him to stop. He didn't. I said, "No, no, no. Stop. No." He just nodded his head "Yes" and kept going in an aggressive manner. I started to panic, thinking he wasn't going to stop. I started to panic and tried to squirm away, saying, "No, no, no, no," almost in tears. My voice got louder and he got up, annoyed, and said he wasn't going to hurt me.
    Later on, I was pretending to be asleep because I was tired and didn't want him to try being physical with me again. He had put his hand in my pants prior to me pretending to be asleep, but I just let him keep it there so he wouldn't get upset. BUT I specifically told him, "Don't move it down or anything, please, okay? Just leave it where it is, please." Twenty minutes passed and he whispered, "Are you asleep, babe?" I didn't reply because I wanted him to think I was asleep. After a few minutes, he began to move his hand lower and lower, and started trying to do what he tried to earlier. I was afraid. I knew he wasn't going to stop, but I didn'twant him to know I was awake. It was hard to pretend I was sleeping because I just wanted to get up and run. Instead, I flipped over to my side so that he would HAVE to move his hand. I never spoke to him about it, but when he dropped me off at home, I suddenly didn't feel like I was safe with him anymore.
    About a week or two later, he wanted to try something else. I said no multiple times, saying I was not comfortable with it. He proceeded to pull my pants down and do it anyway.

    I don't know if he crossed a line or not. I tried talking to my sister about it and she said it was my fault. Maybe it was? I tried talking to a very close friend and she said what he did was sexual assault, but isn't that an extreme term to put on it? Was he in the wrong for doing that or was I just being too much of a chicken?

    I have been wondering for years now, but especially lately since I'm currently dealing with a sexual harassment issue by one of the men at my work. The managers can't do anything about it aside from watch out for me when I walk to my car. They cannot fire him because he makes too much money for the company. The sad part is that they know it's been happening, that he has even physically touched me. They know the disgusting things he has said to me. He has been in trouble with the same thing two times before, before I started working there. So this has just raised even more questions about the aforementioned situation from three years ago.
    We teamed up with Faith Counseling. Can they help you today?
  2. Mayflower1

    Mayflower1 Hello my Name is "Child of the One True King" Angels Team Supporter

    United States
    I would get a restraining order against the guy at work. You have a probable cause and your work would have to abide by it. sexual harrassment has no place at work or anywhere else. As far as this other guy goes. What he did was wrong. You told him to stop and he should have stopped right then and not gone further. I would consider him an unsafe person after that and not be alone with him. And if you are still dating this guy, I recommend a boot out, because if he doesn't respect you in that way, he isn't going to respect you in the future.
  3. FlaviusAetius

    FlaviusAetius Well-Known Member

    He did cross the line. You told him no multiple times and he took it in a manner that is completely disrespectful, as if he had a right to your body whether you wanted it or not. Even worse is his sexual assault while he believed you were unconscious (asleep), that is deplorable and I hope you're not with that man any longer.

    As for your work, I'm sorry to hear that. It must be extremely stressful when your manager refuses to solve this permanently. Perhaps you should go straight to your human resources and discuss this sexual harassment to them?
  4. Johnnz

    Johnnz Senior Veteran Supporter

    Are there no laws against sexual harassment in the workplace where you are? Here that guy and the company would be in big trouble.

  5. cerette

    cerette Regular Member

    Yes he crossed the line--you had told him 'no'.
  6. Paul01

    Paul01 Sinner

    What sort of bizarre reasoning did she give? Once you say no, it ends. Period.
  7. endofrope

    endofrope Junior Member

    Totally not your fault. Dude is a creep. Don't trust him one inch. Deploy the stiff arm for Mr. gropy-fingers.
  8. parsley

    parsley .

    Well... they could fire him, because a lawsuit and other charges could cost their company more than he is bringing to it.

    Some US resources:
    Sexual Harassment
    Sexual Harassment Policy

    "Supervisors and other responsible Department officials who observe, are informed of, or reasonably suspect incidents of possible sexual harassment must immediately report such incidents to S/OCR, which will either initiate or oversee a prompt investigation. Failure to report such incidents to S/OCR will be considered a violation of this policy and may result in disciplinary action. S/OCR will provide guidance as needed on investigating and handling the potential harassment."

    Employees are encouraged to report.... first- or second-line supervisors, the offending person's supervisor, the post's management officers, the bureau's Executive Director, or the Office of Civil Rights (S/OCR). "
    Additionally, they suggest Mediation,
    EEO grievance forms, EEO counselors (at socr.state.gov), and socr.state.gov. if a foreign national. Or send questions to [email protected].

    It was not your fault. He was probably told by his friends to just go for it. Technically this was a crime, and you could have had him arrested for it.

    He thought that he deserved what he wanted, because he put in his time. You did not agree to it. IT IS ALWAYS UP TO YOU, what people do to your body. It does not matter how long you had been dating, or how far you had let him go in the past, or how each attempt has worn you down. No means no.

    Reminding yourself of this will help you in your current situation. You are not obligated to be nice to him.