Wanting to Return

[Nendem]

Hello everyone.

I’ve read many posts in this forum, and want to say thanks in advance for all the helpful people.

I am writing again as one of the fallen who wants to return. Long story short, I was raised in church, professed belief in Jesus, thought I had a relationship with God, but fell away little by little due to selfishness, lack of understanding, and sexual sin. I always believed in a god who loved me, but I’m 80% sure that for about 2-3 years I had severe doubts about Jesus and the Christian message, that led me to apostasize. Whether I verbally stated my apostasy, I don’t remember, but certainly my actions and poisoned heart and mind are/were evidence of the state of my heart.

Due to various events in my life, I want to return. I look back at the previous decade of my life, and it cripples me. I don’t know how I became what I became, and I still can’t believe I’m writing this...

but I want desperately to return. Yes, I want peace, and safety, and love, but I also want a restored relationship, I want to praise God and mean it, and not feel like a poser. I’ve poured my heart out to God over the last month, yet still feel like true, godly sorrow is not in my heart...I feel a hardness of heart, and I pray every day that God softens it.

I believe in Jesus. I believe my mom is saved and going to heaven. I believe some of my friends are. But I’m in terror that I am not of the elect, and God will not hear my plea for repentance. I feel I have hardened my heart, and been given over to a reprobate mind, and I just wish I could go back.

my prayers everyday consist of asking God to grant me repentance, to see Him for what he is, so to better understand what I did, and to cleanse my poisoned heart and mind.

sometimes I wonder if I was ever saved. My motivation for obedience, as best as I remember, was always to avoid God’s wrath/have blessing. I thought the passages in the Bible about obedience, and persevering, didn’t apply to me since once saved always saved...I’m utterly confused now as to my standing with God, except that I know I greatly disrespected Him for years, and spit on the cross repeatedly with my lifestyle...

I would greatly appreciate any advice/help/prayers from the members here. Is there any hope for me? Thank you.

 

[Murray J]

Hello everyone.

I’ve read many posts in this forum, and want to say thanks in advance for all the helpful people.

I am writing again as one of the fallen who wants to return. Long story short, I was raised in church, professed belief in Jesus, thought I had a relationship with God, but fell away little by little due to selfishness, lack of understanding, and sexual sin. I always believed in a god who loved me, but I’m 80% sure that for about 2-3 years I had severe doubts about Jesus and the Christian message, that led me to apostasize. Whether I verbally stated my apostasy, I don’t remember, but certainly my actions and poisoned heart and mind are/were evidence of the state of my heart.

Due to various events in my life, I want to return. I look back at the previous decade of my life, and it cripples me. I don’t know how I became what I became, and I still can’t believe I’m writing this...

but I want desperately to return. Yes, I want peace, and safety, and love, but I also want a restored relationship, I want to praise God and mean it, and not feel like a poser. I’ve poured my heart out to God over the last month, yet still feel like true, godly sorrow is not in my heart...I feel a hardness of heart, and I pray every day that God softens it.

I believe in Jesus. I believe my mom is saved and going to heaven. I believe some of my friends are. But I’m in terror that I am not of the elect, and God will not hear my plea for repentance. I feel I have hardened my heart, and been given over to a reprobate mind, and I just wish I could go back.

my prayers everyday consist of asking God to grant me repentance, to see Him for what he is, so to better understand what I did, and to cleanse my poisoned heart and mind.

sometimes I wonder if I was ever saved. My motivation for obedience, as best as I remember, was always to avoid God’s wrath/have blessing. I thought the passages in the Bible about obedience, and persevering, didn’t apply to me since once saved always saved...I’m utterly confused now as to my standing with God, except that I know I greatly disrespected Him for years, and spit on the cross repeatedly with my lifestyle...

I would greatly appreciate any advice/help/prayers from the members here. Is there any hope for me? Thank you.

If you know what are the right good things to do, do them.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

Hello everyone.

I’ve read many posts in this forum, and want to say thanks in advance for all the helpful people.

I am writing again as one of the fallen who wants to return. Long story short, I was raised in church, professed belief in Jesus, thought I had a relationship with God, but fell away little by little due to selfishness, lack of understanding, and sexual sin. I always believed in a god who loved me, but I’m 80% sure that for about 2-3 years I had severe doubts about Jesus and the Christian message, that led me to apostasize. Whether I verbally stated my apostasy, I don’t remember, but certainly my actions and poisoned heart and mind are/were evidence of the state of my heart.

Due to various events in my life, I want to return. I look back at the previous decade of my life, and it cripples me. I don’t know how I became what I became, and I still can’t believe I’m writing this...

but I want desperately to return. Yes, I want peace, and safety, and love, but I also want a restored relationship, I want to praise God and mean it, and not feel like a poser. I’ve poured my heart out to God over the last month, yet still feel like true, godly sorrow is not in my heart...I feel a hardness of heart, and I pray every day that God softens it.

I believe in Jesus. I believe my mom is saved and going to heaven. I believe some of my friends are. But I’m in terror that I am not of the elect, and God will not hear my plea for repentance. I feel I have hardened my heart, and been given over to a reprobate mind, and I just wish I could go back.

my prayers everyday consist of asking God to grant me repentance, to see Him for what he is, so to better understand what I did, and to cleanse my poisoned heart and mind.

sometimes I wonder if I was ever saved. My motivation for obedience, as best as I remember, was always to avoid God’s wrath/have blessing. I thought the passages in the Bible about obedience, and persevering, didn’t apply to me since once saved always saved...I’m utterly confused now as to my standing with God, except that I know I greatly disrespected Him for years, and spit on the cross repeatedly with my lifestyle...

I would greatly appreciate any advice/help/prayers from the members here. Is there any hope for me? Thank you.

C'mon back in, Nendem! If you were truly apostasizing in the biblical sense of the word, you probably wouldn't be writing about your remorse over "not having feelings of remorse" on a public Christian Forum.

What also probably needs to happen at this point is that you need to grow beyond having a simple, fundamentalist view of what remorse and repentance and cleansing and sanctification are all about, and how they work in the Christian life. You probably also need to grow beyond the idea that God only hears you if you 'feel' like He's heard you.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

Hello everyone.

I’ve read many posts in this forum, and want to say thanks in advance for all the helpful people.

I am writing again as one of the fallen who wants to return. Long story short, I was raised in church, professed belief in Jesus, thought I had a relationship with God, but fell away little by little due to selfishness, lack of understanding, and sexual sin. I always believed in a god who loved me, but I’m 80% sure that for about 2-3 years I had severe doubts about Jesus and the Christian message, that led me to apostasize. Whether I verbally stated my apostasy, I don’t remember, but certainly my actions and poisoned heart and mind are/were evidence of the state of my heart.

Due to various events in my life, I want to return. I look back at the previous decade of my life, and it cripples me. I don’t know how I became what I became, and I still can’t believe I’m writing this...

but I want desperately to return. Yes, I want peace, and safety, and love, but I also want a restored relationship, I want to praise God and mean it, and not feel like a poser. I’ve poured my heart out to God over the last month, yet still feel like true, godly sorrow is not in my heart...I feel a hardness of heart, and I pray every day that God softens it.

I believe in Jesus. I believe my mom is saved and going to heaven. I believe some of my friends are. But I’m in terror that I am not of the elect, and God will not hear my plea for repentance. I feel I have hardened my heart, and been given over to a reprobate mind, and I just wish I could go back.

my prayers everyday consist of asking God to grant me repentance, to see Him for what he is, so to better understand what I did, and to cleanse my poisoned heart and mind.

sometimes I wonder if I was ever saved. My motivation for obedience, as best as I remember, was always to avoid God’s wrath/have blessing. I thought the passages in the Bible about obedience, and persevering, didn’t apply to me since once saved always saved...I’m utterly confused now as to my standing with God, except that I know I greatly disrespected Him for years, and spit on the cross repeatedly with my lifestyle...

I would greatly appreciate any advice/help/prayers from the members here. Is there any hope for me? Thank you.

Bend on your knees, ask Him to fill you with His Holy Spirit. You love Him and He knows it. Now you just need His help to stay the course. We all need that so don't feel left out by any means. We all need to walk in the Holy Spirit more. Thanks for sharing.
Be blessed

 

[visionary]

Hello everyone.

I’ve read many posts in this forum, and want to say thanks in advance for all the helpful people.

I am writing again as one of the fallen who wants to return. Long story short, I was raised in church, professed belief in Jesus, thought I had a relationship with God, but fell away little by little due to selfishness, lack of understanding, and sexual sin. I always believed in a god who loved me, but I’m 80% sure that for about 2-3 years I had severe doubts about Jesus and the Christian message, that led me to apostasize. Whether I verbally stated my apostasy, I don’t remember, but certainly my actions and poisoned heart and mind are/were evidence of the state of my heart.

Due to various events in my life, I want to return. I look back at the previous decade of my life, and it cripples me. I don’t know how I became what I became, and I still can’t believe I’m writing this...

but I want desperately to return. Yes, I want peace, and safety, and love, but I also want a restored relationship, I want to praise God and mean it, and not feel like a poser. I’ve poured my heart out to God over the last month, yet still feel like true, godly sorrow is not in my heart...I feel a hardness of heart, and I pray every day that God softens it.

I believe in Jesus. I believe my mom is saved and going to heaven. I believe some of my friends are. But I’m in terror that I am not of the elect, and God will not hear my plea for repentance. I feel I have hardened my heart, and been given over to a reprobate mind, and I just wish I could go back.

my prayers everyday consist of asking God to grant me repentance, to see Him for what he is, so to better understand what I did, and to cleanse my poisoned heart and mind.

sometimes I wonder if I was ever saved. My motivation for obedience, as best as I remember, was always to avoid God’s wrath/have blessing. I thought the passages in the Bible about obedience, and persevering, didn’t apply to me since once saved always saved...I’m utterly confused now as to my standing with God, except that I know I greatly disrespected Him for years, and spit on the cross repeatedly with my lifestyle...

I would greatly appreciate any advice/help/prayers from the members here. Is there any hope for me? Thank you.

As a prodigal child of God, the unworthiness is a clear sign that the Holy Spirit is drawing you closer to Him. He is calling you to return to Him. That is why you are struggling out of the quagmire that you have found yourself in. He knows and has put into your heart the better promises of a life with Him. While you are a long way off, you are heading the right direction and He will not turn you away.

Put your finger on Rev 3:10 and ask to have a one on one with Him in a way that clears the differences between you two. Sin has separated you, but love can re-unite you. Open up the attic of your mind and clean it of all the trash of memories that have accumulated there. Have God go through it for you, opening up your mind and heart to the truth as only He sees it. Let Him lead you to true repentance. Let Him guide you past the stumbling blocks that keep you tied to your sins. Let Him break the chains that so beset you.

Let God be real, ask for the Moses on Mount Sinai experience. The face to face that shatters all doubts. The transformation that occurs in His Holy Presence. Then you will be given a new life in Him, with His eyes to see, His ears to hear, His understanding to gain wisdom, and His blessing to live in Him for real.

 

[royal priest]

Hello everyone.

I’ve read many posts in this forum, and want to say thanks in advance for all the helpful people.

I am writing again as one of the fallen who wants to return. Long story short, I was raised in church, professed belief in Jesus, thought I had a relationship with God, but fell away little by little due to selfishness, lack of understanding, and sexual sin. I always believed in a god who loved me, but I’m 80% sure that for about 2-3 years I had severe doubts about Jesus and the Christian message, that led me to apostasize. Whether I verbally stated my apostasy, I don’t remember, but certainly my actions and poisoned heart and mind are/were evidence of the state of my heart.

Due to various events in my life, I want to return. I look back at the previous decade of my life, and it cripples me. I don’t know how I became what I became, and I still can’t believe I’m writing this...

but I want desperately to return. Yes, I want peace, and safety, and love, but I also want a restored relationship, I want to praise God and mean it, and not feel like a poser. I’ve poured my heart out to God over the last month, yet still feel like true, godly sorrow is not in my heart...I feel a hardness of heart, and I pray every day that God softens it.

I believe in Jesus. I believe my mom is saved and going to heaven. I believe some of my friends are. But I’m in terror that I am not of the elect, and God will not hear my plea for repentance. I feel I have hardened my heart, and been given over to a reprobate mind, and I just wish I could go back.

my prayers everyday consist of asking God to grant me repentance, to see Him for what he is, so to better understand what I did, and to cleanse my poisoned heart and mind.

sometimes I wonder if I was ever saved. My motivation for obedience, as best as I remember, was always to avoid God’s wrath/have blessing. I thought the passages in the Bible about obedience, and persevering, didn’t apply to me since once saved always saved...I’m utterly confused now as to my standing with God, except that I know I greatly disrespected Him for years, and spit on the cross repeatedly with my lifestyle...

I would greatly appreciate any advice/help/prayers from the members here. Is there any hope for me? Thank you.

Is there anyone more compassionate than Jesus? Jesus is our hope. Our one and only hope. Though we are such poor, miserable creatures, Jesus stands by His Father ready to receive the humble and contrite in spirit.
Hebrews 4:16
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

 

[Nendem]

As a prodigal child of God, the unworthiness is a clear sign that the Holy Spirit is drawing you closer to Him. He is calling you to return to Him. That is why you are struggling out of the quagmire that you have found yourself in. He knows and has put into your heart the better promises of a life with Him. While you are a long way off, you are heading the right direction and He will not turn you away.

Put your finger on Rev 3:10 and ask to have a one on one with Him in a way that clears the differences between you two. Sin has separated you, but love can re-unite you. Open up the attic of your mind and clean it of all the trash of memories that have accumulated there. Have God go through it for you, opening up your mind and heart to the truth as only He sees it. Let Him lead you to true repentance. Let Him guide you past the stumbling blocks that keep you tied to your sins. Let Him break the chains that so beset you.

Let God be real, ask for the Moses on Mount Sinai experience. The face to face that shatters all doubts. The transformation that occurs in His Holy Presence. Then you will be given a new life in Him, with His eyes to see, His ears to hear, His understanding to gain wisdom, and His blessing to live in Him for real.

thank you for this. I believed last weekend I may have had just such an encounter, but since the beginning of last week my feelings of doubt, guilt, and abandonment have returned. I’ve been diagnosed by 2 doctors with severe generalized anxiety disorder, and it doesn’t help things at all. Some times my feelings and thoughts are a reaction to that and not necessarily reflective of my inner belief, but it’s hard to see straight sometimes...

 

[Nendem]

C'mon back in, Nendem! If you were truly apostasizing in the biblical sense of the word, you probably wouldn't be writing about your remorse over "not having feelings of remorse" on a public Christian Forum.

What also probably needs to happen at this point is that you need to grow beyond having a simple, fundamentalist view of what remorse and repentance and cleansing and sanctification are all about, and how they work in the Christian life. You probably also need to grow beyond the idea that God only hears you if you 'feel' like He's heard you.

could you please explain what you mean by your second paragraph?

 

[visionary]

thank you for this. I believed last weekend I may have had just such an encounter, but since the beginning of last week my feelings of doubt, guilt, and abandonment have returned. I’ve been diagnosed by 2 doctors with severe generalized anxiety disorder, and it doesn’t help things at all. Some times my feelings and thoughts are a reaction to that and not necessarily reflective of my inner belief, but it’s hard to see straight sometimes...

That is where the focus on Him becomes more important that your feelings, because He is your anchor. Wipe away all the cares of this world, as it grows strangely dim in the light of His Glory and Grace. Embrace all of Him and let the world go away. He is the only things most important in your life. He will sort the rest out for you. Cast doubts far from you as works of the devil. This is a real battle, and may you be blessed as victorious in Him.

 

[Thomas White]

Hello everyone.

I’ve read many posts in this forum, and want to say thanks in advance for all the helpful people.

I am writing again as one of the fallen who wants to return. Long story short, I was raised in church, professed belief in Jesus, thought I had a relationship with God, but fell away little by little due to selfishness, lack of understanding, and sexual sin. I always believed in a god who loved me, but I’m 80% sure that for about 2-3 years I had severe doubts about Jesus and the Christian message, that led me to apostasize. Whether I verbally stated my apostasy, I don’t remember, but certainly my actions and poisoned heart and mind are/were evidence of the state of my heart.

Due to various events in my life, I want to return. I look back at the previous decade of my life, and it cripples me. I don’t know how I became what I became, and I still can’t believe I’m writing this...

but I want desperately to return. Yes, I want peace, and safety, and love, but I also want a restored relationship, I want to praise God and mean it, and not feel like a poser. I’ve poured my heart out to God over the last month, yet still feel like true, godly sorrow is not in my heart...I feel a hardness of heart, and I pray every day that God softens it.

I believe in Jesus. I believe my mom is saved and going to heaven. I believe some of my friends are. But I’m in terror that I am not of the elect, and God will not hear my plea for repentance. I feel I have hardened my heart, and been given over to a reprobate mind, and I just wish I could go back.

my prayers everyday consist of asking God to grant me repentance, to see Him for what he is, so to better understand what I did, and to cleanse my poisoned heart and mind.

sometimes I wonder if I was ever saved. My motivation for obedience, as best as I remember, was always to avoid God’s wrath/have blessing. I thought the passages in the Bible about obedience, and persevering, didn’t apply to me since once saved always saved...I’m utterly confused now as to my standing with God, except that I know I greatly disrespected Him for years, and spit on the cross repeatedly with my lifestyle...

I would greatly appreciate any advice/help/prayers from the members here. Is there any hope for me? Thank you.

We have all sinned. I am one of the most despicable people I know, and I work at a prison! Yet God forgave me. He also forgives the inmates with whom I work. If we can be forgiven, surely you can be forgiven too. You only have to ask and believe.

Romans 10:9-13(NKJV): "9that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. 10For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. 11For the Scripture says, 'Whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame.' 12For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him. 13For 'whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved.'"

Advice? Believe and confess your sins before God. Believe that Jesus Christ rose from the dead and ascended into Heaven with the Father. Believe that He died for your sins. He has paid the price so that you do not have to pay that price. You only need to believe.

It's not easy. Overcoming our humanity is the hardest part. We're stubborn, terrible creatures. But there is something you can do to try and overcome it. It only takes three fifteen minute periods spread throughout the day.

For three weeks, pray when you wake and pray when you go to sleep. Spend fifteen minutes in prayer. In the name of Jesus Christ, confess your sins to God, ask for forgiveness, and ask for His grace. Ask for Him to change you. Thank Him for what He did. That will take less than fifteen minutes, so you won't spend the entire time talking. Spend the next fifteen minutes just listening. Do nothing. Say nothing. Just stop and listen. You might not hear anything, but that's OK. It is important that you JUST LISTEN.

So the praying will account for 30 of the 45 minutes. For the other fifteen minutes, choose a time at any point throught the day and read the Gospel of John. Only spend fifteen minutes doing it. Don't do less and don't do more. If you finish it before the 3 weeks is up, read it again.

At the end of these three weeks, you will feel something. I don't know what it will be, but I guarantee you that you feel something. God will work in your life.

 

[Nendem]

We have all sinned. I am one of the most despicable people I know, and I work at a prison! Yet God forgave me. He also forgives the inmates with whom I work. If we can be forgiven, surely you can be forgiven too. You only have to ask and believe.

Romans 10:9-13(NKJV): "9that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. 10For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. 11For the Scripture says, 'Whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame.' 12For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him. 13For 'whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved.'"

Advice? Believe and confess your sins before God. Believe that Jesus Christ rose from the dead and ascended into Heaven with the Father. Believe that He died for your sins. He has paid the price so that you do not have to pay that price. You only need to believe.

It's not easy. Overcoming our humanity is the hardest part. We're stubborn, terrible creatures. But there is something you can do to try and overcome it. It only takes three fifteen minute periods spread throughout the day.

For three weeks, pray when you wake and pray when you go to sleep. Spend fifteen minutes in prayer. In the name of Jesus Christ, confess your sins to God, ask for forgiveness, and ask for His grace. Ask for Him to change you. Thank Him for what He did. That will take less than fifteen minutes, so you won't spend the entire time talking. Spend the next fifteen minutes just listening. Do nothing. Say nothing. Just stop and listen. You might not hear anything, but that's OK. It is important that you JUST LISTEN.

So the praying will account for 30 of the 45 minutes. For the other fifteen minutes, choose a time at any point throught the day and read the Gospel of John. Only spend fifteen minutes doing it. Don't do less and don't do more. If you finish it before the 3 weeks is up, read it again.

At the end of these three weeks, you will feel something. I don't know what it will be, but I guarantee you that you feel something. God will work in your life.

thank you for your thoughts. I just don’t know where I stand. I don’t know if I never actually believed, or if I’m a prodigal son, or if I used to believe then fell into sin and blew it. It’s a scary place to be. I believe in Jesus, but I feel I pushed him outta my life for good..

 

[Thomas White]

thank you for your thoughts. I just don’t know where I stand. I don’t know if I never actually believed, or if I’m a prodigal son, or if I used to believe then fell into sin and blew it. It’s a scary place to be. I believe in Jesus, but I feel I pushed him outta my life for good..

You can't blow it with Jesus. As long as you believe, He's always going to welcome you back. All you have to do is ask, amd forgiveness is given. Do those things I suggested. It will help.

 

[Nendem]

You can't blow it with Jesus. As long as you believe, He's always going to welcome you back. All you have to do is ask, amd forgiveness is given. Do those things I suggested. It will help.

I should’ve clarified. I believe that Jesus loves certain people, but I fear that my heart has even hardened due to a period of sinning and falling away. I believe Jesus is coming back one day, I believe He has walked with some of my friends and protects them, but I also feel I’m outside the family now and pushed Him permanently away...

 

[Thomas White]

I should’ve clarified. I believe that Jesus loves certain people, but I fear that my heart has even hardened due to a period of sinning and falling away. I believe Jesus is coming back one day, I believe He has walked with some of my friends and protects them, but I also feel I’m outside the family now and pushed Him permanently away...

It is not possible to do so. He loves everyone, including you. You only have to ask, and you are forgiven. Take the steps I told you to take. You will feel Him again. He is there.

 

[Nendem]

It is not possible to do so. He loves everyone, including you. You only have to ask, and you are forgiven. Take the steps I told you to take. You will feel Him again. He is there.

thank you for your encouragement

 

[Thomas White]

thank you for your encouragement

Always. I am your brother. May the Peace and Love of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you.

 

[Calvary4me]

Two basics:

1. Whether you were once saved or not in the past is immaterial if you believe now. Reaffirm your faith to God, and look ahead, not behind.

2. That faith is based upon believing God's promises, NOT on your feelings. God's promise is that if you admit to Him that you are a sinner (fall short of God's perfect standard), and accept that He paid the price for that sin through the Death of His son, Jesus Christ, then you are saved once and for all time. That is the promise. Your feelings as a human will vary wildly, but the promise will not. In times of doubt (they hit us all), remember that your salvation is an act of God based on his promises, not based on your works, your goodness, or your feelings.
===============

Hello everyone.

I’ve read many posts in this forum, and want to say thanks in advance for all the helpful people.

I am writing again as one of the fallen who wants to return. Long story short, I was raised in church, professed belief in Jesus, thought I had a relationship with God, but fell away little by little due to selfishness, lack of understanding, and sexual sin. I always believed in a god who loved me, but I’m 80% sure that for about 2-3 years I had severe doubts about Jesus and the Christian message, that led me to apostasize. Whether I verbally stated my apostasy, I don’t remember, but certainly my actions and poisoned heart and mind are/were evidence of the state of my heart.

Due to various events in my life, I want to return. I look back at the previous decade of my life, and it cripples me. I don’t know how I became what I became, and I still can’t believe I’m writing this...

but I want desperately to return. Yes, I want peace, and safety, and love, but I also want a restored relationship, I want to praise God and mean it, and not feel like a poser. I’ve poured my heart out to God over the last month, yet still feel like true, godly sorrow is not in my heart...I feel a hardness of heart, and I pray every day that God softens it.

I believe in Jesus. I believe my mom is saved and going to heaven. I believe some of my friends are. But I’m in terror that I am not of the elect, and God will not hear my plea for repentance. I feel I have hardened my heart, and been given over to a reprobate mind, and I just wish I could go back.

my prayers everyday consist of asking God to grant me repentance, to see Him for what he is, so to better understand what I did, and to cleanse my poisoned heart and mind.

sometimes I wonder if I was ever saved. My motivation for obedience, as best as I remember, was always to avoid God’s wrath/have blessing. I thought the passages in the Bible about obedience, and persevering, didn’t apply to me since once saved always saved...I’m utterly confused now as to my standing with God, except that I know I greatly disrespected Him for years, and spit on the cross repeatedly with my lifestyle...

I would greatly appreciate any advice/help/prayers from the members here. Is there any hope for me? Thank you.