Wanting kids

[Marie0628]

My husband and I have been married since we were 20 and are now 30. We have both been through college and have been working for close to 5 years now. We are living across the country from our families due to my husband's job and have purchased a home here. We have been trying to work towards moving closer to family someday, but are realizing more and more that it may not be possible. We have also been discussing kids for a very long time. I have wanted kids for many years, my husband is very financially conservative and has never felt we can afford it. Anytime we talk my husband always seems to feel the answer is simple, we just need to make more money and it will make sense to have a kid in a few years. From my perspective we have been saying this for as long as I can remember and we never actually get to this magical 'someday' when we have the money. He works so hard for us and I know he wants for me to be able to have kids. I don't want to frustrate him or make him feel bad, but I am so sick of continuing to say we will have kids and never actually getting to that point. I love him so much and I feel like this is driving a wedge between us. Help!

 

[maintenance man]

I don't want to frustrate him or make him feel bad, but I am so sick of continuing to say we will have kids and never actually getting to that point.

I think maybe there is something other than money holding him back. You may want to try to dig a little deeper with him.

Young kids don't really cost that much - it's when they become teenagers that it starts to get expensive.
Unless you're paying for child care and/or private schools. You can turn it into a math problem and come up with a number that you need to save or an income you need to have and then you have a fixed point to shoot for.

I think you should let him know how important this is to you and ask him to give you a fixed point in time that he will be ready.

 

[tampasteve]

There is a fine line between having enough to raise kids and not having enough to properly care for them. IMO you need to set out all of your expenses and income, then add in the real expenses of a child. Will either of you stay home and loose the second income? Will you pay for daycare or a family member care for the child? What happens when the child is sick and can't go to daycare or if your caretaker is sick and someone needs to stay home with the child? Have you budgeted the expenses of diapers, formula and food, nursery setup, medical expenses, etc?

It sounds like you need to sit down and find out where you really stand, do you already meet that "magic number" and if not, when will you or what will it take to get there? Could or would you change life expenses to reach that number?

Kids are expensive - and exhausting on a marriage. They are also a blessing and wonderful. There will be fantastic moments - and moments of extreme frustration with yourselves and your new child. It completely changes the marriage dynamic. Just thinking "we can make it work" does not work for many people, I am not saying that you are that way, but it is something to really work out and think out.

My wife and I waited until we were about 35, it works for us. Other people just wing it and go for it - and that works for them. It really depends on your situation, personalities, and how you relate to marriage and money.

But it also sounds like something you really need to discuss with each other on a honest and thought out level.

 

[Rescued One]

Tell him that kids are greater than money. But it doesn't work to nag. Read this article about the risks:
High-Risk Pregnancy and Age: What You Need to Know

 

[Hammster]

If we had waited until we could afford children, we never would have had any.

Have the kids. The money will be there.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Pardon me if this sounds way to blunt. Not meant to.

Women tend to grow up with this fairy tale of one day they will marry the perfect man, have a house, white picket fence, perfect finances, kids....etc. But its just that. A fairy tale. Life is hard. And in America life is even harder now. People seem to be less able to afford anything once they get married. So having kids is a very big decision. Some still have kids because "Gods in control". But God also said to be smart about things. If you have kids because you want them, He won't magically provide money and stability.

When my wife met me online my profile said kids were a "maybe". It was a risk because before my profile said "No". And I had zero women interested. To be honest I think women put having kids at the top of their list, even more then getting married (granted as christian we get married before having kids of course). On our honeymoon I told my wife we need to use a contraceptive. It would be a year before she came here and finances were not good.

She was mad because she didn't understand. Once she came here she struggled with the idea of us waiting. But as she adapted to the culture here, she seen having a kid was going to be hard. Not just on her body but financially and because our life wasn't stable. Now though she is fine with not having kids. Of course there are those rare times when she sees a friend who announces they are pregnant on facebook and she gets those feelings of "I want a baby!". But it passes fast.

Obviously its not fair of course. I really do want a kid, a daughter. My wife is now in her early 30s and I am very close to 40. However, one thing we have considered is if we both really felt we wanted a kid, we could always adopt, maybe a child from her country. Sure it may not be yours by blood. But its a child who wants loving parents. Granted it is expensive to adopt from overseas.

Now I do think your husband should just be honest with you. Just answer your question with a definitive answer. Because getting your hopes up over and over is emotionally/mentally draining. And its not fair to you. The "when we make enough" day may never come. Until the its just like having a carrot dangled in front of you all the time. He should say "I don't think we may ever make enough for a child honey. Is that ok with you?". Or at least something so you can stop having your dreams crushed.

Also as I said before, ask what he would think of adoption. A decade of waiting would drive me nuts.

 

[Andrew77]

My husband and I have been married since we were 20 and are now 30. We have both been through college and have been working for close to 5 years now. We are living across the country from our families due to my husband's job and have purchased a home here. We have been trying to work towards moving closer to family someday, but are realizing more and more that it may not be possible. We have also been discussing kids for a very long time. I have wanted kids for many years, my husband is very financially conservative and has never felt we can afford it. Anytime we talk my husband always seems to feel the answer is simple, we just need to make more money and it will make sense to have a kid in a few years. From my perspective we have been saying this for as long as I can remember and we never actually get to this magical 'someday' when we have the money. He works so hard for us and I know he wants for me to be able to have kids. I don't want to frustrate him or make him feel bad, but I am so sick of continuing to say we will have kids and never actually getting to that point. I love him so much and I feel like this is driving a wedge between us. Help!

Well it is driving a wedge between you, and it should. Kids are super important, you want them, and that is not unreasonable.

Someone needs to smack this boy on the side of the head. There is never a magic moment when you have "enough" money.

People in Uganda have kids, and the middle class there, makes what would could call minimum wage.

You have enough money. That's an excuse. He needs to stop making excuses.