want Jesus

[kicker]

Has anyone had the worry or fear that maybe they didn't want Jesus and that was why they were unsure of their salvation. I know it sounds dumb but sometimes I fear that deep down I really don't want him and I'm deceiving myself. Can anyone relate?

 

[kaykay9.0]

I really think this is just your OCD talking to you. If you really didn't want Jesus, I don't think you'd likely give it a second thought.

 

[keryakos]

a good methodist minister told me once that if you feel that you ought to believe then you do believe .. maybe if you feel that you should want Jesus then maybe you do i think kay is right though ...ocd is playing up and if you just didnt care you would not be on here ..

a good way to know for sure if you want him or not is to do what Zaccheus did ..look for him ..but instead of looking for him in a tree look in the gospels dont study ..read about him ..get to know youre lord in a more personal way .

also having frank conversations with the Lord might help .

you might have heard this before ..but there was a Scottish man who had trouble feeling the pressence of God in his life he spoke to his pastor about it and the pastor suggested that he look at the chair that sat beside his bed and imagine Christ sitting there ..he said talk to him as if he were thereand he shall be . .Well the man begin to do that and one morning his daughter came into the room and found that he had passed away he was lying on his bed with his hand on that chair ,,, His daughter understood .. His friend was there all the time ..rigth there by his side ..

 

[tyield1102]

hey kicker,
I know exactly how you feel because this is something I am struggling with right now. It's hard when you know you need Jesus and then wonder if you really want Him or not. I look around my house a lot and at the stuff I own and look at the people in the world and ask myself do I really want this over Jesus? My head my say yes, but my heart tells me no. I hope and pray that you get through this.

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Hi kicker, I can really relate. In fact that is what is driving a lot of my obsessions right now - do I really want this? Do I really believe in it enough to make it the center of my life? I start to think I'm doing OK but then like tyield1102 said, I look at the stuff that really is the center of my life and feel like I want that more than Jesus. I guess I just worry that if I were really a Christian, wouldn't I not want to do this things or own these things or make these other things priorities? How does one TRULY put Jesus at the forefront of their life and live that way? I have no clue what it looks like in the first place, so that just makes it harder.

 

[gracealone]

Hey James,
Well here I go again quoting the quotable Lewis. Seriously though, that man has greatly encouraged my faith through his writing so I hope what encouraged me will also encourage you. Here goes:

"The prayers offered to God in the state of dryness are those which please Him most. - God wants us to learn to walk and therefore must take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there, He is pleased even with our stumbles. The cause of Satan is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do God's will looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken and still obeys."

When my OCD was really intense the only emotion -the only thing I could actually feel was intense fear and it's ever present companion - despair. The alarm of anxiety blares so loudly that it drowns out all our other normal emotions. We are not able to feel such emotions as joy, desire, happiness etc. I remember not even being able to enjoy the presence of my precious little grandson when I was bad off. It made me feel so twisted inside. I sang at a funeral for a neighbor, "Amazing Grace",and never shed one tear. That made me think I was evil. I opened my Bible but had absolutely no desire to read it. I went to church and felt no joy in worship. I turned on my CD player and attempted to sing the songs to God which in the past had been heartfelt prayers of joy and praise. Then I shut the player off and wept at what I perceived to be a total disconnect from the One who had given my life total meaning. This is Religious OCD at it's worst. I don't like calling it religious OCD because for me it was Relationship OCD. And the relationship that it attacked was the most vital one of my entire life.
But the point of relating all of this isn't to make you feel my pain but rather to make you see that what you are experiencing is not unusual as far as OCD is concerned. That doesn't mean that it isn't painful but it does mean that you have an illness and an illness cannot undo or inhibit God's plan for your life. He will see you through this and you will once again know the joy of your salvation in Him.
Clouds can hang around for a very long time and sometimes to the point where it seems that the sun has totally vanished, but it was always there right behind them the whole time and when those dark clouds lift - which they will - you will feel all the same warmth and blessing of the presence that you knew before.
Prayers always,
Mitzi

Has anyone had the worry or fear that maybe they didn't want Jesus and that was why they were unsure of their salvation. I know it sounds dumb but sometimes I fear that deep down I really don't want him and I'm deceiving myself. Can anyone relate?

 

[annrobert]

Hi kicker,
I understand and I have been very scared too that I had deceived myself.Jesus understands and still loves you even with your fears, you can feel free to tell Him all about them and receive His comfort.Those fears will never take away Jesus love for you.Jesus says we can come to Him for rest.
blessings
annrobert

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks Mitzi for that excellen and encrouaging post.

Sorry you're struggling Sad...I pray God helps you and Kicker and indeed all of us who struggle with the way our anxiety and relationship with God gets so mixed up together.

How are you doing at the moment Kicker...hopefully at least a bit better...take care, Rachel

 

[BeccaLynn]

To put it simply, I understand what you're saying very well. I fear that I don't really want Jesus, then I fear that I don't feel badly enough about NOT wanting Him if I really don't. It can get all twisted really. But, we go on and believe that God loves us and understands our hearts even when we don't really think we know them ourselves.

It actually helped me to read your post and the responses because I've been battling this lately. Thanks to everyone for being so honest.

Rebecca

 

[keryakos]

Something Becca said reminded me that Mother Theresa ..such a devout servant of God had uncertainty regarding whether or not he exists ...WOW thats SHOCKING but its true ..

But she walked on anyway

 

[pjspara]

and so did billy graham at one time, when his partner charles timpleton?(i think thats his name) quit believeing and left the ministry, and billy ran off and prayed to GOD and said "Lord, i cant explain everything in the bible either ,and i dont know what to tell people sometimes, but I WILL BELIEVE YOU ANYWAY, and preach and teach for YOU and about you, and believe in every Word in the bible....

cant remember where i read that, but i thought that was interesting too, and makes you see that probably everyone at one time or another has doubts, fears, or questions their beliefs, or something you know??

 

[keryakos]

YES ...You are right

and faith is not the opposite of doubt ..some people think of it as being black or white you believe all the time or you dont but thats not reality