walking down the aisle - need advice

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Ok, I'm not engaged, but I want advice from women who DIDN'T have someone walk them down the aisle.

I've really upset my mum today... I told her (this is not the first time) that I don't want ANYONE walking me down the aisle, when my bf and I eventually get married. I don't feel comfortable with the whole idea of 'possession'. She however says I have to, cos it's traditional, I am a possession of my family, and it shows a passing of 'leadership' over me.

I AM willing to offer a compromise. Basically I like the idea of walking down the aisle myself, pausing at their seats, getting them to stand with me and continue to meet my hubby, where his parents will join us, and our minister will have a prayer acknowledging our parents blessing, their input into our lives until now, and the transition from their house, to ours (even though we've both lived out of home for a while now)...

She doesn't want a bar of this. She is calling me stubborn, rude, hurtful and not nice. This is one of FOUR things I REALLY want for my eventual marriage (the others are where it's held, another prayer I'd like at the end, and a footwashing ceremony), so things like Reception, video, photos etc, I'm MORE than happy to have her participate heaps in, and even decide on some things (with some guidelines of course)...

What do I do with this? I thought my compromise would be okay, but she's just seeing me as the stubborn person I was in my last engagement (that time I WAS unreasonable, but that was more to how much control my fiance then wanted int he wedding as well, and not just me)...

I know I will be upset if I go against my belief on this 'tradition' and have it, but I know what she'll be like if I don't give in. I'm not one for having things for 'traditions' sake, however, neither am I ignoring the symbolics of transferring of family unit here...

this just gets me cranky. I really don't think I'm being unreasonable here, am I?

How do you suggest I approach this with her, next time we meet up??? I know this may sound like something very small to some of you (in the scheme of things I know it is too), but I know the fallout something like this could cause for us...

Sasch

 

[InTheFlame]

Smack her over the head with a copy of Boundaries

Seriously, maybe ask her to give you bible verses supporting her opinion. I don't think 'honor your father and mother' applies if you are wanting elements of honoring her in your wedding.

 

[charligirl]

Whilst this is your choice and I don't think your mother seems to be handling this very well, I can understand why she is so upset at your decision.

Like you have been planning your wedding in your head since the year dot... I expect your Mum probably has too. She will have got excited about the role what she might play and how proud she will be.

I know the pride that my Father felt as he escorted me down the aisle, it was absolutely nothing to do with ownership or possession (goodness me I was 32 and left home at 18!!!), but he was standing with me, walking me those final few steps as a single woman bearing his family name, supporting me emotionally and physically. His eyes shone and he was so pleased to do this final role for his daughter as a single woman.

Of course this is your choice, if I didn't have a father perhaps I would have done it alone, I wouldn't have asked my mother.

AT the end of the day it is your choice, pray for wisdom in speaking to your mUm, she's probably hurting and disappointed too.

 

[IslandBreeze]

ITA with charligirl. It's not about possession or ownership. It's about support and love and encouragement. What would it hurt to walk down the aisle with your mom? You'll be walking back out with your new husband, and that's what's important, after all...

 

[bkg]

Sascha,

I admire your heart for marriage and your desire to figure things out before the last minute. I'm honestly a bit worried, however. Given that you are not engaged yet (I understand you and your boyfriend are planning to be engaged next year), I fear that all of this focus on the wedding is taking priority over enjoying this time of courtship with your boyfriend. I've been one of those people who focused on the wedding instead of on the time I had with my (then) fiance, and it was only after the wedding, when we nolonger had that to focus on, that I realized we had missed out. Focusing on the wedding and not the relationship was a horrible mistake - be sure that all of this talk about the wedding isn't taking away, or taking priority over, thoughts about this time, this courtship, getting to know each other intimately, etc. Enjoy each other, enjoy this time, don't worry about the future.

If I'm out of line, I apologize. I don't intent to be presumptuous.
bkg

 

[Southern Cross]

I'm a photographer, and a large part of my job is photographing weddings on the weekends. Big expensive weddings, small private weddings, and everythng in between. I see all of the stress and tears behind the scenes. I've also seen weddings that go smoothly with everyone in a fantastic mood.

Want to know what I've realized after all my years of doing this? Your wedding is not all about you. It's really an event for your families, too. Moms and dads especially. In this case, I'd mend those fences by wholeheartedly accepting that your mother wishes to walk you down the aisle. It's just a tiny part of your wedding. What counts is what happens after you get to the front of the church and are joined with your fiance.

I know what I'm saying probably won't go over well, but honestly, I've seen so many weddings where one major stress point can ruin things for at least one person, and it can show through in the pictures .

90+% of the weddings I photograph have something go "wrong" - and you don't want more contributing to that. The makeup artist doesn't show. The limo gets lost. The ringbearer pooped in his pants because his pants were pinned to his shirt when he tried to go to the potty. The flowers didn't arrive and when they did, they were the wrong color. The best man had a hangover and forgot his tux jacket. A $3K wedding band was lost (temporarily) and a plastic ring had to be used. The church is double booked for another event and they've got to move your ceremony through a bit faster.

So I'd let your mom walk you down the aisle, it will make her day, and it's one less thing that will contribute to stress on your wedding day. You want to enjoy it as much as possible. And many, many years down the road, when it's time to say goodbye to your mother - for a time until you see her again - it will be a cherished memory.

 

[LynnMcG]

A lot of wise postings here. Sascha, I know you've dreamed about this since you were a little girl, but as another said, so has your mom. This is the most significant event in your life to date, but probably the last your mom will have anything to do with. I found that while I battled my own mother on MANY issues, some were just easier to give to her.

I don't think this is about ownership either. But the bible says that we leave our mother and father to join our husband. From one family to another. I had both my mother and father walk me down the aisle because my own mother did most of my parenting my whole life and I didn't want to leave her out.

Oh, I just thought of something. Should you decided to walk alone anyway, you could always present your mom with a rose. Do you do that in the UK? In America some churches (I've seen it done in Catholic churches) allow you to present each mom with a single red rose. It's a really beautiful gesture of thanks and appeciation.

But I must say, I especially agree with SouthernCross about limiting the differences between the two of you. It's a day long event that will have lifelong memories for both of you, don't tarnish them in disagreement.

 

[bliz]

My father would not walk me down the aisle or give me away becasue he said I was not his to give. We had a very simple wedding and my husband and I walked down tha aisle together.

I like your idea very much! (I have always felt that the groom's family gets short shrift at weddings!) I am of the opinion that weddings cannot and should not be planned by committee or try to include a little bit of something for everyone.

Decide which will upset you more on your wedding day.... to have your Mom have her nose out of joint (perhaps) or for you to go through with a ritual you do not care for?

The Japanese have anice custoom at receptions where the bride and groom introduce their families to each other and share information about the b or g with the group. A friend of mine who lived in Japan for several years iincorporated this into her wedding as a slide show at the reception. He had been raised by his grandmother and she was given special praise and attention during that presentation and it was very well received. It was also unexpected - only the b&g knew the content so there were lovely suprises for a number of people.

 

[Donnabing]

Hi Sascha,

I was married in a really small church and the isle wasn't large enough for both me and my dad to walk down the isle together. So, he waited for me at the end of the isle, and handed my hand to my husband. I LOVED this aspect of our wedding. I liked walking down myself. I could completely focus on my husband to be, and not worry about my dad tripping on my dress. Maybe a compromise you could have with your mom would be to have him or both parents wait for you at the end of the isle. Then they can hand your hand over to your hubby to be. I Loved it anyways

 

[Telrunya]

My wife asked both her father and her stepfather to walk her down the aisle. Like a couple have pointed out a wedding isn't about you and your husband. Thats a marriage. A wedding is a community recognition of the two of you being united. It is a family thing. Having someone walk you down the aisle isn't an ownership thing but a blessing. If you have a disagreement with your mother about anything it should be about the purpose, not the act. Keep in mind that your mother loves you alot from the sound of things and that this matters alot to her. Approach her in lovingkindness and tell her you would be happy to have her blessings and the blessing of her or your father walking you down the ailse but not as a possesion but as a loving family welcoming in a new son together.

 

[Telrunya]

Also your family isn't really giving you away. The bible only talks about the man leaving his family. It doesn't say anything about the woman.:

Genesis 2:24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

 

[heartnsoul]

One of my past bosses from work had spoken a wise comment that I have never forgotten...and that is-- PICK YOUR BATTLES CAREFULLY. Meaning, is it worth fighting this battle and possibly losing the war?? Granted, you're an adult, you have your own free will to choose whatever you want for *your* wedding. Is it worth getting your way to maybe upset the apple cart (mom & family)? That is a question none of us can really answer for you because we all come from different families and upbringings.

There will be plenty of battles in our lives that are definitely worth fighting for. Life is too short. Weddings alone are stressful. Sometimes being around dysfunctional families are stressful. Is it worth creating possibly more stress to an already possibly stressful situation? Think of it from your parents' point of view. Your parents raised all of their kids for many many years. Now they have to walk down the aisle and basically "let you go." I would imagine that is painful for any parent. So maybe try to put yourself in your mom's shoes and try to understand her point of view. I believe she loves you very much. All mothers have to learn to let go of their young and it must be tough. I write this with tears in my eyes because I can imagine how painful it must be for a parent.

Whatever you decide, I wish you a beautiful marriage. May God bless you and your family.

 

[Svt4Him]

Who's paying for the wedding?

And yes, it is important.

 

[jazzbird]

Hey Sasch. I don't think there is anything wrong with how you would like to walk down the aisle, but I also can definetely understand where your mom is coming from. I'm sorry that she didn't like your compromise. What I learned from planning my own wedding is that it's a big deal for moms too, and it's also an awesome opportunity to bond with mom. I think that my mom was great about respecting what I wanted, but I also tried to be sensitive to what she and dad wanted. I guess my advice is to keep the peace as much as possible - it makes for a much more enjoyable engagement. Compromise (or give in) on things when you can, but if there is something that is very important to you, try to explain it to your mom and make sure she knows why it is important. You won't be able to please everyone all the time, and you could potentially go crazy trying. Keep your focus on what is ultimately important.

For me, I never ever thought of being given away by my dad in the way that you do. In my mind, it has nothing at all to do with possession. I saw it as my last opportunity to be my dad's "little girl," in a sense. Actually, one of the most poignant memories i have of the wedding was waiting in the wings with my dad as my bridesmaids walked down the aisle. It was a really special moment that we shared together. That's me, but I know that it's different for everyone.

 

[Yitzchak]

My opinion as a man who has a daughter is it should be something you discuss with your father and not with your mother.
If my daughter told me that she did not want me to walk her down the aisle , I would not think she was being stubborn. I would tell her that it is her day and I would want to be there to bless her and support her. So whatever role she wanted me to play, I would be proud to be a part of it.
Your relationship with your father is very important and is not limited to a tradition to define it. The more important question which I would be asking is what role does your father play in your life and what role do you want him to play??

 

[LiberatedChick]

For me, I never ever thought of being given away by my dad in the way that you do. In my mind, it has nothing at all to do with possession. I saw it as my last opportunity to be my dad's "little girl," in a sense. Actually, one of the most poignant memories i have of the wedding was waiting in the wings with my dad as my bridesmaids walked down the aisle. It was a really special moment that we shared together. That's me, but I know that it's different for everyone.

Yes it was the same for me too. And especially for me, someone who's never been that close to her dad, it felt good to be standing there with him and it felt good to link arms with him and walk through that door together.

I don't really agree with guys asking the father for his daughters hand in marriage before the guy has even asked the daughter. So I'm glad my husband didn't ask my dad. Yes, I love my parents and I value their opinions but to me that would have felt like I was a posession of my fathers. However, walking down the aisle with my dad was something I'd always wanted to happen on our wedding. To me that didn't feel as though I was a posession being handed over to someone knew but rather a proud father being able to stand by me and be a part of and bless such an important day of my life. But it depends how you view it.

He never said he was proud of me before the ceremony but he did get up and give a speech at our reception (big thing for him...he's so quiet and shy!) in which he did say he was proud of me. At that point I knew having him walk me down the aisle was the right choice for me...it was just another way of showing how proud he was.

 

[Singin4Him]

Does your mom not approve of the relationship possibly? Considering your other threads I wonder if that might not be the case here.

 

[bliz]

My wife asked both her father and her stepfather to walk her down the aisle. Like a couple have pointed out a wedding isn't about you and your husband. Thats a marriage. A wedding is a community recognition of the two of you being united. It is a family thing. Having someone walk you down the aisle isn't an ownership thing but a blessing.

In a traditional wedding service the priest does not ask "Who blesees this union?" The question is "Who gives this woman?" It's pretty hard not to see that as giving when that's the word tht is used.

Also your family isn't really giving you away. The bible only talks about the man leaving his family. It doesn't say anything about the woman.:

Genesis 2:24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

Are you saying that a woman is not to leave her family and unite with her husband? It's going to be very difficult for the couple to become one flesh if she is not leaving her family.

 

[isaiah5213]

gosh, i am not sure i agree w/the "let your mom do it..." deal..

if your mom raised you, like mine did, and your mom is anything like mine, then your mom probably feels like your dad doesn't deserve to walk you down the aisle. that if anyone should, it is her.. and that is not "tradition".. "tradition" is dad walking you down the aisle..

if you feel like you had to learn alot of things on your own growing up, or that your mom made some unwise decisions concerning raising you, --i could be getting too much into this, so please forgive me for that--then walk down that aisle yourself... my first wedding, i felt like that, and i didn't feel like mom really supported my wedding, so i had now ex-husband meet me and we walked down that aisle together.

the 2nd one, i wanted to honor my mom. so she walked me down the aisle...

maybe you should walk down the aisle yourself, but in the parents' moment, have someone recite a poem or have a special song just for your mom, in addition to the "parents'" song if you have to, to show how much you love and respect and honor her..

the photographer is right. this wedding is NOTHING about the bride, tho everyone will tell you till they are blue in the face that it is, or that it is supposed to be.. it is about friends and family. and what pleases them, and what makes them feel special. that is the best wedding for you and them, of all... there is a compromise there.. you just have to pray about it, and really ask God to bless you w/the answer...

oh, and pray about your heart in this whole thing...

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Thanks guys,

I haven't seen her since (talked on the phone a few times, but not been together), and this is something I'd like to talk face to face with her about.

Thing is she LOVES my bf. Was over the moon when he changed status from 'housemate' to 'boyfriend', and continually talks about 'when you and B get married'. If she didn't like him, then maybe I'd understand it better.

Also, she's often joked about 'and I'll walk you down the aisle - if you don't I will say 'yucky yucky yucky from the front row' (she's joking)' and I've always replied, 'no, I don't want anyone walking me down the aisle mum', so it's not like this is a new thought. I thought I'd made it pretty clear in the past, it's just this time, I probably said it a bit more forecfully (and seeing I have someone who is going to be part of a wedding in the future now, it probably hit a bit harder). I immediately followed it with 'I would like this instead (the pause, her and my stepdad join us, his parents stand with him, and the prayer said by our minister)', but by that stage, she was just hurt.

She just wants ONE of them to walk me down the aisle, either her OR my stepdad. The way she worded her reasoning was because it's traditional, it shows how much of a role they've played in my life so far, and that I've been 'passed on' to my husband from them at that point, and into his care. Now, I KINDA agree with the sentiment there, but when she started throwing words into it like 'possession of theirs', etc, I became more firm in my stance against being walked down the aisle - I don't want it, if their reasoning is that I AM a possession.

I'm going to have to pray long and hard about this, as someone said, picking your battle is the fun part, and I've learnt how much a wedding is about EVERYBODY, not just the bride and groom (I've been engaged before, and learnt it back then). Part of my mum's stubbornness could be a result of how stubborn I was last time (I was VERY clear on every single thing about the wedding, and gave no room for compromise), whereas this time, I'm much more flexible when B (my bf) and I discuss it. As in, I have a location in mind, and ideas about the ceremony part, but when it comes to ornaments, photographer, videographer, numbers, reception, etc - everyone else can have their say and work it out! My parents are paying when the time comes (well, for most of it - I'll pay for my ensemble, the license for the ceremony and any extras they can't afford, etc), so the stuff that requires payments, I'm all for them having a big say in. When it comes to how the ceremony pans out, I think that's something I should have the most say in (along with B) - but please correct me if my thinking is wrong!

Just trying to work out how to balance 'bride and groom being happy' with 'keeping the rest of the family happy and included'.

Sasch --> who can't believe this argument has occurred BEFORE she's engaged!