Virginity /Celibacy ? help :(

[scouting1824]

It's getting harder and harder to meet people..

When I'm approached by men I'm usually judgmental because I think the worst. I think its better to be single until God sends you the right one but sometimes that's the hardest thing ever. How will i know who to give a chance to?(in the sense of getting to know someone) I feel I have to put this wall up I use to usually use attitude so guys are more reluctant to think about asking for sex so I come off as stuck up, or mean. My family and friends use tell me I'm to mean to guys i should give them a chance and one day I was getting prayed for and the pastor said God told me to tell you to lighten up your heart your becoming so cold I started to cry . I think i was letting myself become mean not just to guys but to everyone else as well. Getting closer to the lord i I have become much nicer . I become more open to men who approach me in the fact that i don't just assume there all about sex. This makes it worse because they start to really like me and the topic of sex comes up ,never fails. Of course I always end the whole thing and I look like the bad guy.


The last guy I talk to I told him right away how I don't engage in sexual actions because of my religion. He said he understood and we kept seeing each other until i guess he couldn't take it and I had to end it he was very mad at me he never talked to me again. I was really hurt by it because i knew him for 3 years I eventually got over it though. I have been single for a while now and I'm happy and great with it ever now and then i get lonely but it passes and im back to be ok. But recently this guy I met has been pursuing me , I must admit i wasn't nice to him but he never left. So i just went out to eat /movies just for the heck of it so I wouldn't be at home. But now we have been seeing each other for 3months (according to him) and he really likes me and i'm starting to like him we have so much in common that its kind of scary I feel like this is the danger zone for me. he drives 1hour to see almost 3 times a week and weekends and he works non stop so sometimes he's on little sleep and still comes to see me. Today we were in a "bad situation" i told him I don't want to have sex and he said he was ok with that ..but I'm thinking FOR NOW he just called me and I didn't want to pick up but i did... he was super tired and said he called to say that he couldn't believe he missed me already and wanted to plan something for us to do next week. he such a sweet person he always listens and is very generous to people . I'm thinking is oh-no because i never told him i'm not sexual active it just never came up in my mind because i didn't think i would like him or even give it a chance.
WWJD maybe someone can share anything..something that can give me some guidance, scriptures , past wisdom something I can pray upon

 

[The Nihilist]

How old are you?

 

[scouting1824]

22

I decided to send him a text explaining why I don't want to have sex and not planning to in the future and to have a good life basically I'm just going to stop going out i guess but feel free to still answer the question

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

First thing you need to come to understand is that there is no "the one". There is not a single person God has for us in mind. That's a fairy tale dreamed up by women who seem to love chick flicks. Stop searching for that magical, mystical "one" and start evaluating the qualities these guys have and their compatibility with you. The sooner you learn this, the sooner you will realize that things won't be peachy keen all the time. There will be arguments and discussions about topics that may make you uncomfortable or hurt. You need to learn how to respond to these like an adult rather than using them as an excuse to run away.

Sex is a topic that comes out. It's human nature to desire it. That's why we have hormones. In our faith, we are to abstain from it, and that's fine, but it's also fine to discuss like mature adults and not shy away from. Why? Cause it's natural and it's also something you will hopefully be doing quite frequently once you do get married. If you have other plans to abstain even after marriage, then I suggest you simply stop looking for someone to share your life with because you will destroy your relationship with that person quite quickly. You could pretty much say goodbye to any marriage after that point.

We're naturally interested in sex. As I said, it's our nature. However, simply know your limits and don't be afraid to discuss it.

 

[KJohnWright]

Its awesome to hear people talk like this. Its not a quality you find in young ladies anymore.

Listen, men want to have sex. Thats how its always been. And thats how its always going to be. In my opinion (which isn't saying a whole lot) you need to find someone on the same page as you.

A lot of guys (I've been told this by girls as well, who eventually gave in) will listen to a women say they won't have premarital sex. And will still pursue, because we know that eventually carnal desire will overcome spiritual desire.

But you seem to be different

And thats awesome. Just continue your search. Even in sexual relationships you deal with heart break and hurt feelings. So don't give in. Keep looking and eventually you'll meet somebody.

 

[scouting1824]

Its awesome to hear people talk like this. Its not a quality you find in young ladies anymore.

Listen, men want to have sex. Thats how its always been. And thats how its always going to be. In my opinion (which isn't saying a whole lot) you need to find someone on the same page as you.

A lot of guys (I've been told this by girls as well, who eventually gave in) will listen to a women say they won't have premarital sex. And will still pursue, because we know that eventually carnal desire will overcome spiritual desire.

But you seem to be different

And thats awesome. Just continue your search. Even in sexual relationships you deal with heart break and hurt feelings. So don't give in. Keep looking and eventually you'll meet somebody.

thanks so much ..the guy actually called me like 8 times i was sleeping and said he does not really care because he really wants to just be with me..I heard it all before but i'll give it a shot anyways thanks again!!

 

[scouting1824]

First thing you need to come to understand is that there is no "the one". There is not a single person God has for us in mind. That's a fairy tale dreamed up by women who seem to love chick flicks. Stop searching for that magical, mystical "one" and start evaluating the qualities these guys have and their compatibility with you. The sooner you learn this, the sooner you will realize that things won't be peachy keen all the time. There will be arguments and discussions about topics that may make you uncomfortable or hurt. You need to learn how to respond to these like an adult rather than using them as an excuse to run away.

Sex is a topic that comes out. It's human nature to desire it. That's why we have hormones. In our faith, we are to abstain from it, and that's fine, but it's also fine to discuss like mature adults and not shy away from. Why? Cause it's natural and it's also something you will hopefully be doing quite frequently once you do get married. If you have other plans to abstain even after marriage, then I suggest you simply stop looking for someone to share your life with because you will destroy your relationship with that person quite quickly. You could pretty much say goodbye to any marriage after that point.

We're naturally interested in sex. As I said, it's our nature. However, simply know your limits and don't be afraid to discuss it.

I understand what your saying but when i say the topic of sex comes up I'm not being literal. I mean i'm in a sistuation where they are actually making a move on me condemning me for it . i have no problem discussing it with men this one just caught me off guard and I was shocked that i ended up really liking him and was scared when I told him i wasn't sexual active he would not be interested. I believe 100% that God has someone he chooses for Christians who ask him for the right one. I'm not worried about having sex when married because I'm not at that stage yet, my whole problem is having sex outside of marriage and that's why i flee, I'm not trying to be a nunn I'm just trying to please God. I have been in relationships before but i left from relationships that try to pressure me to have sex after i specifically said i did not want to. I think its pretty mature to have a set goal and stick to it I don't need to have sex to be happy and I really don't need a man either, like i said this guy just came out the blue . I respect your opinions though i just think you miss read what i was saying but i appreciate it so thank you

 

[iambren]

You are one of the most sexually obsessed woman that I've seen posting. All you talk/think about is sex like it's the worst thing that could happen to you...the sky would fall??!!

I'm not saying go have sex but maybe see it in God's grand scheme of things. You only after answer for you. He for him. You declare that you want to be chaste until marriage, tell him you accept that he has sexual desires. End of discussion, go forward and enjoy a relationship if he wants. If all goes well you can express your affection with kisses and hugs, be understanding as you BOTH may struggle and who knows? Wedding bells may ring.

 

[KJohnWright]

thanks so much ..the guy actually called me like 8 times i was sleeping and said he does not really care because he really wants to just be with me..I heard it all before but i'll give it a shot anyways thanks again!!

Awesome. Once again just ignore all the negativity. Anyone who wants to live their life above par is going to run into some speed bumps and hurdles. Just go for it.

 

[scouting1824]

You are one of the most sexually obsessed woman that I've seen posting. All you talk/think about is sex like it's the worst thing that could happen to you...the sky would fall??!!

I'm not saying go have sex but maybe see it in God's grand scheme of things. You only after answer for you. He for him. You declare that you want to be chaste until marriage, tell him you accept that he has sexual desires. End of discussion, go forward and enjoy a relationship if he wants. If all goes well you can express your affection with kisses and hugs, be understanding as you BOTH may struggle and who knows? Wedding bells may ring.

sexually obsessed ?... i like that

 

[scouting1824]

Awesome. Once again just ignore all the negativity. Anyone who wants to live their life above par is going to run into some speed bumps and hurdles. Just go for it.

thanks

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

Listen, men want to have sex. Thats how its always been. And thats how its always going to be. In my opinion (which isn't saying a whole lot) you need to find someone on the same page as you.

A lot of guys (I've been told this by girls as well, who eventually gave in) will listen to a women say they won't have premarital sex. And will still pursue, because we know that eventually carnal desire will overcome spiritual desire.

It's not just men. I know it's the stereotype, but I don't like criminalizing the male species like that when it's a two way street.

 

[Theofane]

Virginity /Celibacy ? help

The gift of celibacy can seem like a bad joke sometimes. huh? My girlfriend and I have just begun to confront this issue of premarital sex. We've been together for 8 months now, we've been through a lot of ups and downs, but I think we'll make to the 1 year mark ... God willing.

 

[Jupiter Drops]

A person who doesn't respect God doesn't deserve you at all.

So don't worry about guys who just want you for sex, because there will always be plenty of guys who will respect you for respecting God. And those guys will either end up regretting about their past life or just keep heading down that destructive path until they're forty years old and wondering why they still aren't married/are divorced.

 

[Verve]

It's not just men. I know it's the stereotype, but I don't like criminalizing the male species like that when it's a two way street.

Well, women have hormones too. For some reason there is this huge misconception out there that women, even those who haven't had sex don't desire it.

There is sort of this idea out there that if you allude to the fact that you just so happen to be a human with physical desires that you might as well be saying that you want it now.

I'll put it out there...honestly. But I don't want it now, and that's not a crime in any way. Uh oh a woman is openly admitting that there is one benefit of marriage that she is really looking forward to

How about people start to look at sexuality the way God designed it for man and woman. Looking at it as an approved intimate act within the right context (marriage).

A person who doesn't respect God doesn't deserve you at all.

So don't worry about guys who just want you for sex, because there will always be plenty of guys who will respect you for respecting God. And those guys will either end up regretting about their past life or just keep heading down that destructive path until they're forty years old and wondering why they still aren't married/are divorced.

QFT

 

[GrumpGrump]

A little off topic, but...

If you make clear up front that you're not going to have sex with someone, and they later get mad because you stick to your guns, that person is not worth your time. That means that they didn't take you seriously when you first told them that you weren't having sex (they thought you were being disingenuous), or they thought they might persuade you otherwise over time (which means they don't respect your beliefs or don't care about how you would later feel about going against those beliefs). Either way-- a huge jerk. You should never feel like the bad guy if you make those people mad, because they're the ones doing something wrong by not being respectful of you.

As for the new guy, I do think you need to tell him at the next opportunity that you're not sexually active, since that is a thing someone might reasonably expect from a relationship (given the statistics, I mean). And if it doesn't work out with him, don't worry. You're 22. At 22, I was just beginning the most toxic, unhealthy relationship of my life. I'm 25 now, in a relationship with a person I know for sure that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

Every relationship fails until one of them doesn't.

 

[K9_Trainer]

Well. I'm glad a couple others have cleared up the ridiculous misconception that women don't have sex drives or don't want to have sex.

Back to the OP, I personally don't believe there is a "right one". Realistically, there are probably many "right ones". The "right one" to God is probably one that will not discourage you from your faith or disrespect your beliefs.

Also, I have an additional misconception I would like to clear up. Not every man wants nothing but sex from a woman. I feel like since I was little, I was always taught that men only want one thing. Sex. That you have to be careful about being used because that's what guys will do; they'll get in a relationship for sex and they won't actually care about you. If you maintain this thought, it can be really detrimental to your relationships with men, and also to your own sex life. As a woman, it's OK to want sex and enjoy it. It's not just for men, you aren't "being used" when you have sex with somebody you love, who loves you in return.

It doesn't have to be a constant struggle or a submission to "he wants sex and I'm his toy". Guys love like women do, guys desire companionship like women do, guys get attached and form deep bonds like women do. It's NOT all about sex. There most certainly are some manipulative jerks in the world who do take advantage of women and value sex over a true bond, but some women are the same way with guys.

It honestly sounds like this man thinks the world of you. To be working full time, but also drive an hour 3 times or more a week just to see you is an obvious sign that he cares so much about you as a companion and friend, not a sex toy. Let go of the guard and the idea you have that he is only with you to get you in bed and cherish the relationship you have that doesn't need sex to grow or maintain.

 

[dayhiker]

K9 ... I agree with your thoughts.

 

[Inkachu]

If you're a Christian woman, and you're dating Christian men, IMHO it should be ASSUMED that neither of you are sexually active and there will be no sexual activity until you're married. It shouldn't even be a discussion. Unfortunately in this day and age, there are way too many people walking around with the "Christian" label on their chests who are living like anything but Christians. A woman going out with a Christian man should be the safest woman on the planet, and never have to worry about being pressured or expected to do anything inappropriate; sadly, it's not so anymore.

As depressing as it is, I think you may just have to be very clear upfront when you first go out with someone new. "I need you to know that I'm celibate and will continue that until I'm married, and I only want to date a man who shares my belief in that." The right man will stick with you. The wrong ones will walk away. And if ANY guy acts like he's OK with that, and then tries to pressure you later on, DUMP HIM.

 

[jonvian]

If you're a Christian woman, and you're dating Christian men, IMHO it should be ASSUMED that neither of you are sexually active and there will be no sexual activity until you're married. It shouldn't even be a discussion. Unfortunately in this day and age, there are way too many people walking around with the "Christian" label on their chests who are living like anything but Christians. A woman going out with a Christian man should be the safest woman on the planet, and never have to worry about being pressured or expected to do anything inappropriate; sadly, it's not so anymore.

As depressing as it is, I think you may just have to be very clear upfront when you first go out with someone new. "I need you to know that I'm celibate and will continue that until I'm married, and I only want to date a man who shares my belief in that." The right man will stick with you. The wrong ones will walk away. And if ANY guy acts like he's OK with that, and then tries to pressure you later on, DUMP HIM.

Great advice. What happened to Christianity in this country?