Virgin rejects non-virgin: acceptable or not?

[Humble Pie]

Forgiveness is free, friendship is earned.

Christians are friends and even more than that, we're family.

 

[blackjellybean]

Christians are friends and even more than that, we're family.

You need to know that just because you love and forgive your family, you can't always be close to them or trust them.

For example, I befriended a guy from my church who had a lot of issues, and he ended up stealing stuff from my flat and threatening to kill me while high on drugs. This was part of an ongoing problem in his life, he was remorseful but he hadn't got himself sorted. He is not my friend, though I forgive him, friendships are built on reciprocated trust and his behaviour made that trust impossible.

 

[Humble Pie]

You need to know that just because you love and forgive your family, you can't always be close to them or trust them.

You need to ask forgiveness and repent of that attitude. You're talking about one experience of ongoing sin that has nothing to do with whether someone is a virgin or not, unless they're sleeping around.

 

[Sketcher]

Sure, it's fine to not have a relationship with someone if there is something that you cannot change and cannot live with about that person. Sexual history would be one of those things. If you try and go against that, eventually the situation will hit critical mass and you can't do it anymore, making the effect on the other person worse.

 

[sniperelite7]

I'd think it shallow of the virgin. No ones perfect, God forbid their significant other has any other flaws; they should settle for someone who is absolutely perfect.

Sexuality between the couple should be guilt free, open and honest.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Honestly, I think it depends on their reason for rejecting the virgin. If it's pride, then they are wrong for doing it, but if it's because they want the blood covenant that comes with virginity, and have a deep understanding of that sacred bond, then I don't think it's wrong.

 

[Romanseight2005]

You need to know that just because you love and forgive your family, you can't always be close to them or trust them.

For example, I befriended a guy from my church who had a lot of issues, and he ended up stealing stuff from my flat and threatening to kill me while high on drugs. This was part of an ongoing problem in his life, he was remorseful but he hadn't got himself sorted. He is not my friend, though I forgive him, friendships are built on reciprocated trust and his behaviour made that trust impossible.

Exactly! There is a complete difference between forgiveness, and reconciliation.

 

[Sketcher]

Honestly, I think it depends on their reason for rejecting the virgin. If it's pride, then they are wrong for doing it, but if it's because they want the blood covenant that comes with virginity, and have a deep understanding of that sacred bond, then I don't think it's wrong.

I always thought the blood covenant thing was weird, to say the least. The Bible doesn't talk about it. It does talk about the two becoming one flesh though, and respecting that is a good reason why someone would want to marry a virgin exclusively.

 

[blackjellybean]

You need to ask forgiveness and repent of that attitude. You're talking about one experience of ongoing sin that has nothing to do with whether someone is a virgin or not, unless they're sleeping around.

Sin doesn't disappear overnight. If a person has a past, you need to know they've well and truly moved on from that past before you can trust them in the relevant area.

 

[Humble Pie]

Sin doesn't disappear overnight.

Now you want to be a jerk about it.

 

[blackjellybean]

Now you want to be a jerk about it.

God bless you.

 

[childofdust]

I'm a virgin. By choice. I've had three major girlfriends over the years and I've been in many circumstances with them where I could have done what I wanted to (sexual intercourse), but chose not to. And yet even I would not turn someone away because they weren't a virgin. For me, it's a weight issue. If they're 15 or more pounds either underweight or overweight, then I wouldn't think twice about turning them away - because if they don't care about their own body, why should I? If they like their fat or bulimia so much, they can have it--without me.

 

[vortigen84]

I'm a virgin. By choice. I've had three major girlfriends over the years and I've been in many circumstances with them where I could have done what I wanted to (sexual intercourse), but chose not to. And yet even I would not turn someone away because they weren't a virgin. For me, it's a weight issue. If they're 15 or more pounds either underweight or overweight, then I wouldn't think twice about turning them away - because if they don't care about their own body, why should I? If they like their fat or bulimia so much, they can have it--without me.

If she was fat I'd take her jogging with me.

If she was bulimic I'd take her to the doctor with me.

If I liked her I'd find an opportunity to be with her rather than an excuse not to be with her.

I'm personally not that fussed over whether someone I'm interested in is or isn't a virgin. I'm cautious of pointing a finger of judgement against those who do care about this though, because the Bible seems to take this topic pretty seriously. At the same time, I think if you liked someone you'd go "oh well" and deal with it.

 

[Raiyuu]

I'm a virgin. By choice. I've had three major girlfriends over the years and I've been in many circumstances with them where I could have done what I wanted to (sexual intercourse), but chose not to. And yet even I would not turn someone away because they weren't a virgin. For me, it's a weight issue. If they're 15 or more pounds either underweight or overweight, then I wouldn't think twice about turning them away - because if they don't care about their own body, why should I? If they like their fat or bulimia so much, they can have it--without me.

What about those people who are naturally underweight and have a hard time gaining weight due to a high metabolism? Would you turn them away then?

 

[CounselorForChrist]

For me, it's a weight issue. If they're 15 or more pounds either underweight or overweight, then I wouldn't think twice about turning them away - because if they don't care about their own body, why should I?

Really? Doesn't the bible say we shouldn't be make assumptions and be judgemental? I mean I went from 175 (which is the average weight for my body type) to 230 after I got switched to new meds last December. Does that make me somehow unworthy to be with? Some of us have medical issues.

What if you married the "perfectly healthy weight" women and after having a child she could not get all the weight off? Or what if she had some disease that made her gain weight faster then she could lose it? Would you leave her over it? And on a side note, you mentioned "caring about your body". It is biblical to take care of our temples to the best of our abilities. BUT...at the same time if thats all someone seem to focus on then it becomes a sin. Its why I have a hard time seeing so many women spend every hour of the day focused on being perfect looking. I often wonder if men realize women do this because of us men who expect them to be beauty queens. Although I do realize part of it is the female mind at play too. Just as men have their own issues.


On the subject at hand.... anyone who rejects non-virgins would be casting the first stone. No one should cast the stone unless they are perfect. Some people have lost their virginity before marriage. Just as others may swear or look at porn. We all have our sins. To judge people based on what is past is terrible to do.

With that said though I do think there is a line between not judging and being smart. FOr instance if I met a woman who was 30 (my age) and she said she has had over 100 sexual partners in her life, I'd not date her simply because if you have had that many then there might be a problem there that needs to be fixed.

My fiance had sex one time with a man who claimed he wanted to marry her. When she told me I thought nothing of it. If anything I told her she didn't have to feel so guilty or like she was unworthy because I messed up myself twice with past women. I remember when I was trying to find a woman to date though, most freaked out if they heard you had sex or evne had ever thought about it. Which does show the diffrence between male and female minds. Women don't realize how hard it is for a guy to never ever think about something sexual related. Just like its hard for a man to realize how hard it is for a woman to obsses over looking perfect.

 

[seeingeyes]

If she was fat I'd take her jogging with me.

If she was bulimic I'd take her to the doctor with me.

If I liked her I'd find an opportunity to be with her rather than an excuse not to be with her.

I'm personally not that fussed over whether someone I'm interested in is or isn't a virgin. I'm cautious of pointing a finger of judgement against those who do care about this though, because the Bible seems to take this topic pretty seriously. At the same time, I think if you liked someone you'd go "oh well" and deal with it.

So virginity or non-virginity isn't a deal breaker for you (and it isn't a deal breaker in the Bible either), and neither is body-weight. So what is a deal breaker for you?

 

[vortigen84]

So virginity or non-virginity isn't a deal breaker for you (and it isn't a deal breaker in the Bible either), and neither is body-weight. So what is a deal breaker for you?

I would not consider a non-Christian.

Any other issues, if I liked someone I think I'd befriend her and try to get her sorted to a degree where I could then consider proposing.

Some issues which would be need to be dealt to:


She can't be a liar.

She can't be a tart, a flirt.

She can't be bitter and obsessively judgemental.

She can't be against having kids.

She can't be a drug addict or alcoholic.

She can't be an airhead.

She can't be a total gossip.

 

[seeingeyes]

If she's not a committed Christian.

If she's a liar, dishonest, manipulative.

If she's an alcoholic, drug addict, etc.

If she's flirtatious and trying to get every guy's attention.

If she's an airhead, loud and clueless.

If she's decidedly against having children, ever.

If she's always obsessively criticizing and judging everyone and everything.

If she can't keep a secret; everything goes on Facebook.


Those are some which come to mind. I could be friendly, but a relationship would be out of the question. Anything which would cause a serious barrier to trust.

Ok, good list.

Now imagine that someone said to you: "You have no right to disqualify someone just because (insert one of your items here)."

That would be kinda nuts, right? After all, you are the one who will have an exclusive relationship with her for the rest of your life. Not that other guy who is telling you what you should or should not be looking for.

Virginity (or non-virginity for that matter) is just one more criteria like those on your list. If it is very important to someone that they marry a virgin, how could anyone tell him that it shouldn't be?

If some guy will not settle for anyone other than a green-eyed, opera-singing Jamaican woman, what difference does it make? He may be looking for a long time, but if he is willing to hold out for those particular traits, why shouldn't he? Who is he harming or offending or 'judging' by remaining single?

 

[CounselorForChrist]

That is true. People who have lists forget they are not perfect either. Not that you obviously marry the first person you see of course. The only things I say are:
1. They have to be a christian. This eliminates alot of issues as a couple.

2. We have to have pretty much agreeable views on what we believe as christians. Example if I believe in salvation through Jesus and she believed in salvation through works, then we would not work since our views would just cause strife in the marriage.

3. The one excpetion of body type is if you have an addiction to food. Because if you have an addiction to foor I don't want to be with someone who will gain so much weight that they are killing themselves. NOw obviosly if your addiction for food is lets say some mental issue that cannot be fixed per say, then I'd understand.

4. Only VERY casual drinking (like a glass of wine at a nice dinner..etc).

5. No smoking, heavy drinking or drugs.

To some degree we have to have some sort of list as a christian, but it should be very limited. For example I don't care about age, race, weight, height...etc, well with the exception of that one item on my list. Although I realize we all have ideas about a perfect spouse. In my case God just happened to give me my vision of a perfect spouse which is a smaller woman who was asian and truly loved the God as a Proverbs 31 woman. ^.^

 

[Raiyuu]

I think everyone, whether they admit it or not, have their preferences. Some are more ridiculous than others (yeah I said it) but everyone have some expectations in their future spouse. When I think about it, I could easily come up with a list myself:

1. Has to be a Christian

2. Has to agree on a lot of things in regards to Christianity. He can't be a Catholic or what not. I can maybe say that he has to be reformed.

3. He has to be a spiritually mature Christian who can lead me spiritually as well as his children.

4. He has to be patient and full of grace. Face it, I'm a mess and I need someone who can handle all of that most of the times. xD

5. He can't be a coward. I don't want to be the strength in our marriage. I'm a weak little girl who couldn't fight off an 8 year kid if I wanted to. There's nothing I disdain more then a coward who won't stand up for his wife and kids when in trouble.

6. Not only does he have to be spiritually mature but he has to be mature period. The last thing I want to do is to change my husbands diaper every time he makes a boo boo. Be a man!!

This list can go on. But some people are like this (warning: I live in the ghetto so this is how they talk)

"I want a fly guy with a nice cut who keep it real and got good swagga. He gotta be popular and he always have to have some nice, fly shoes. I can't date a guy who aint got nice shoes. I'm sorry! Yo shoes iz a mess!!"

Then it becomes stupid. Like seriously?