very confused

[grafton25]

We are moving on with the divorce. He does not want to try to work on our marriage. My lawyer has began the discovery process of the divorce, this is where we both have to turn in our financials. I am assuming this is going to be the start of something not so nice. I was hoping to reach an agreement with him in hopes of working out our marriage. But it is becoming very clear to me that he never had any thought of working on our marriage. Like many of you said he was just being nice and telling me he was going to work on things in order for me to take less. And I almost did. I hate that it has come to this. Even after meeting with our pastor yesturday he will not reconsider. He said maybe after we divorce we can work on things as long as I not fight him in court.

 

[saturnnights]

... Even after meeting with our pastor yesturday he will not reconsider. He said maybe after we divorce we can work on things as long as I not fight him in court.

My ex-wife said things like, "Who knows? Maybe we'll remarry some day." She used to e-mail me and go out to dinner with me occasionally, knowing that I was starving for her attention. It all tapered off gradually, as she slowly conditioned me to the idea that she was slipping away.

She wasn't trying to get a better settlement, in fact, she signed everything away just to help her deal with her own guilt, but she did play my emotions nonetheless. Your soon-to-be-ex is doing the same right now. Trust me, he will NEVER work on things after the divorce. Whether or not you cut him a break and don't fight for adequate support for you and your children, he will be gone when the divorce is finalized.

I've been following this thread and I'll add my two cents: Fighting him in court for as much as you can get financially is not unkind or unfair. I realize that your goal in doing so would not be to destroy him. Disregard all of that and be realistic about the financial struggles you and your children will face, regardless of how much he winds up paying you in support. If the judge exacts the statutory maximum from him, you will not live a life of ease. The reason that you fight him in court for as much as you can get is because he owes it to your children - and you, because he's abandoning you and forcing you to deal with a living/financial arrangement that you and he had NOT agreed upon when you chose to marry and raise a family. It has nothing to do with punishment - it has everything to do with him taking full responsibility for selfish choices.

When the shock of the divorce itself, and the pain of losing someone you loved and trusted starts to let up, you will understand why those of us who told you to fight for support had your best interests at heart, and you will, I believe, know that it was the best thing to do.

I wish you the best and God's mercy and love.

Mark

 

[grafton25]

Mark,

Thank you. I know you are right. He will not work on our relationship or come back after the divorce. If he wanted to work on things he would be doing it now. You are also right that I will be grateful that I did not settle when all is said and done.

It is killing me inside that I have to fight him and that he would put me in this position. I hate that he is making me feel bad about not settling with him.

I told him I didn't ask to be in this position and that I don't want to fight him but he has left me no choice.

I just hope I am up I can find the strength to get through this.

 

[saturnnights]

You're going through many of the same feelings that each of us had to face. There were times when I thought I would die in my sleep - seriously - literally. When that didn't happen, I was disappointed. Even now, more than a year after she left, I'm still a mess, but not quite as bad as I was. That tells me that I'm on my way to recovery. It's taken me longer than some and probably won't take as long as others, but we all go through our own complex mix of feelings and fears.

When people used to tell me that one day I'd be okay, it used to make me mad. I really didn't think it was possible. Now I'm realizing that it is. I'll say the same to you - one day you'll be okay. But take your time and go through all of the emotions that you need to go through on your way to healing. Don't deny yourself anything that may be a natural part of how you cope. We're all different - accept it and ignore advice that may come from well-meaning individuals who say that you're going about it all wrong.

And keep God close through it all...

 

[grafton25]

Do any of you reading this thread have advice on how to get through the holidays? This is my first Thanksgiving without him in over 17 years and it is killing me. Even though I now realize he was just playing me I still miss him and wish he was here. Is there something wrong with me? Why can't I let him go?

 

[saturnnights]

Sadly, the holidays are the worst for me. After spending 18 of them together with my ex and her family, there is a large hole in my life that will remain forever. Worse yet, I transplanted myself to another state to be close to her family so unless I drive to my home state, I'm completely alone here.

I do visit my own family, but I miss my ex's family as well - they were an integral part of my life for so long that I feel like I've lost not only a wife, but two additional parents and a sister. Then there are the extended in-law family members who I saw more often than my own extended family. When the dust settled, I realized how many others had been ripped from my life.

I just keep myself busy as best I can. It's hard, but I have a couple of hobbies to occupy my time. I don't know what else to suggest - just try to keep busy and in only six weeks or so, it will be over for another year.

 

[Wagonmaker]

I was in your situation 7 years ago and I was seeing someone else. It was shameful, and I still cringe when I think of what I put my kids through. I wish I could give you some hope but I think you and the comments on this thread are right on. He will see the destruction he's causing after it is too late, but for unknown reasons, God has put you both to the test.

After all the dust settles, whether you end it in divorce or he comes to his senses, my prayer is that both of you wl be restored and whole again. Much love and sympathy to you. I'm so so sorry.

 

[Wagonmaker]

Do any of you reading this thread have advice on how to get through the holidays? This is my first Thanksgiving without him in over 17 years and it is killing me. Even though I now realize he was just playing me I still miss him and wish he was here. Is there something wrong with me? Why can't I let him go?

This isn't easy. My heart breaks for you. Take some time to yourself. Think of steps you can start taking, even baby steps, to move on. Don't let this beat you. You are worthy of better.

 

[grafton25]

I do have the kids for the holidays which is helping. I had been trying to take things one day at a time. That is not working today so I have decided to try taking things one hour at a time. That seems to be helping. You re right it will be over in a few weeks.

 

[grafton25]

Wagonmaker you are right. I am worthy of better. Thank you.

 

[grafton25]

I wanted to catch everyone up. We went to court and the judge gave us dates to complete all our finanicals. He defiantly is not wanting to work on our marriage. He was being nice to me for awhile. But it turns out he was trying to get me to settle the divorce and agree to what he is offering which is not much. I informed him I was not going to settle. This of course made him mad. He proceeded to say nasty things to me such as I never contributed to the family finacially during our marriage. I was a stay at home mom for many years and when they all started school I worked only as a substitute teacher until the last few years. The last few years I did hold a full time job which he took me away from when we moved this summer. It hurts to hear him say these things because I thought that is what we both wanted for our family.

He is also still not choosing to see the kids. This is his weekend but he made plans to go out of town. He is also going out of town in two weeks when it would be his weekend. When I mentioned to him about not spending time with the kids he says he will just take them the weekend before xmas which is my weekend and the weekend after xmas which is his. I am fine with him taking the kids on his weekend but I dont think I should have to give up my weekend before xmas because he cant see them on his weekends.

I am so mad I am afraid I might say or do something I will regret later. I know God wants us to stay married but I cant keep letting my soon to be ex keep hurting me.

 

[The Marquess]

I suspect that there is another woman and has been for some time.

 

[Wagonmaker]

Prayers to you.

HW

 

[Wagonmaker]

Prayers to you.

 

[Kaseye330]

I filed for divorce back in May and he moved out of the house in June. We were married 13 years when I found out by checking our cell phone records that he was texting someone constantly. He claimed it was work related, but he was texting this person even at 6am when I was laying asleep next to him. He was even texting this person while we were on vacation and on the day of our anniversary. I noticed that every time I wasn't with him there were messages going back and forth. I was able to figure out his fb password and caught him chatting with her while I was in the very next room. Even when I confronted him, he denied it and said I was always accusing him of cheating. When I started quoting things they were saying he went white as a ghost. He never wanted counseling to try to work it out. I, too, moved away from my family to another state to be with him and his family. When things turned bad everyone in his family turned against me and even started arguments with my family. I have sinced moved out of our old house and trying to make sure he doesn't know where I am. It has been difficult during the holidays but it helped when I was invited over a friend's house for thanksgiving. I just want the settlement to be completed I order to move on with my life. Take day by day and baby steps. I just started on this website a few days ago and I've already benefited a lot from the support here

 

[grafton25]

My soon to be ex and I have finally reached an agreement. We should have everything signed in the next few weeks and will be divorced by the end of the year. Of course we have been getting along better since we have finally come to an agreement. We are even making progress with our pastor at church when we meet with him for counseling. A few times my soon to be ex as even mentioned that once the divorce is final we can begin to date each other and see where things go. He says that we can build a friednship first and if that goes well we will move on to being a couple again.
As everyone knows I did not want this divorce and have wanted to work things out ever since he left and he has not wanted to do that. He keeps saying that the divorce will give him closer to move forward. I did believe that throughout this divorce process and while trying to reach a settlement he was playing me. I believe he is being truthful now when he says he wants to work on things after the divorce. He has no reason to play me anymore since we have reached an agreement.
My question to you all is this...Should I give him a chance to build a friendship/date after the divorce when he wouldn't give me a chance before the divorce becomes final? I still love him very much, but I do not want to be hurt by him again.

 

[Hetta]

My soon to be ex and I have finally reached an agreement. We should have everything signed in the next few weeks and will be divorced by the end of the year. Of course we have been getting along better since we have finally come to an agreement. We are even making progress with our pastor at church when we meet with him for counseling. A few times my soon to be ex as even mentioned that once the divorce is final we can begin to date each other and see where things go. He says that we can build a friednship first and if that goes well we will move on to being a couple again.
As everyone knows I did not want this divorce and have wanted to work things out ever since he left and he has not wanted to do that. He keeps saying that the divorce will give him closer to move forward. I did believe that throughout this divorce process and while trying to reach a settlement he was playing me. I believe he is being truthful now when he says he wants to work on things after the divorce. He has no reason to play me anymore since we have reached an agreement.
My question to you all is this...Should I give him a chance to build a friendship/date after the divorce when he wouldn't give me a chance before the divorce becomes final? I still love him very much, but I do not want to be hurt by him again.

Woah!

Why the heck are you divorcing so that you can date? If he wanted to work on rebuilding the marriage, why wouldn't he stop the divorce NOW and work on the marriage?

I agree with your suspicion that he is playing you - that he is saying anything he can think of to keep you sweet, so that he can get this divorce over. My advice would be to expect nothing. Sure, you can wait and see, but don't hold your breath!

 

[grafton25]

I know. I don't understand his reasoning behind the divorce. Except that right now he has no responiblities. I am doing everything when it comes to taking care of the kids while he is out living the single life.
I guess I am still confused because he no longer needs to play me. I have agreed to the divorce and I am just wanting for his lawyer to send the papers to mine for me to sign them. I guess time will tell after the papers are signed if he really wants to work on things or not. He keeps saying until he closes the door on this chapter of his life we can't move on. I want to believe that he is sincere when he says we will date but I feel like I am setting myself up yet again to be hurt.
I just don't know how to let him go and move on.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

There is no way, at all, that he's serious about fixing the relationship. Divorce means he wants nothing to do with you anymore, or the marriage, or the relationship, or even a friendship. It doesn't mean anything beyond that. He's just telling you what he thinks you want to hear so that he can get the divorce done. I agree with the above... There is already somebody else, he's already in an established relationship, and he's moved on.

 

[Hetta]

I know. I don't understand his reasoning behind the divorce. Except that right now he has no responiblities. I am doing everything when it comes to taking care of the kids while he is out living the single life.
I guess I am still confused because he no longer needs to play me. I have agreed to the divorce and I am just wanting for his lawyer to send the papers to mine for me to sign them. I guess time will tell after the papers are signed if he really wants to work on things or not. He keeps saying until he closes the door on this chapter of his life we can't move on. I want to believe that he is sincere when he says we will date but I feel like I am setting myself up yet again to be hurt.
I just don't know how to let him go and move on.

All I can suggest is to make definite plans and stick to them. I don't know your circumstances, so I apologize if you already explained these things - do you live in your marital home? If so, will it be sold soon? If so, start looking for a place you want to live. Can you move closer to family and friends? If so, do so. I don't know your work environment or anything! What can you do that puts you amidst those who love and will support you? If that means moving a long way - do it! If your husband really wants you, he will pursue you. Nothing will stand in his way! If he does not, then it was just words. If he is such a manipulator as he sounds, he probably will continue to woo you with sweet words until the ink has dried, and then he will disappear. Please find support and encouragement amongst others as soon as you can. Start thinking what you want to do with the rest of your life. Like I said, if a miracle happens, then praise God and may your future be joyful. If not, then start praising God that you have a new life ahead of you .. and go and grasp that life.

One thing - and this just popped into my head, and I apologize if it is over-stepping the line - if your husband wants to resume, um, marital relations after divorce, your response should be NO! I wondered if he wanted to keep you going 'on the side' in this way, promising you everything while doing thing. Remind yourself that he is no longer your husband and it would be sinful to act as though he is. Please take care with this. I know of a couple of women who were 'wooed' by their husband showing this kind of interest after divorce, and they thought it meant he still loved her. It doesn't. If he wants you back, he will have to woo and re-marry you!!

Be strong. You are God's beloved child!

I want to share this with you that someone shared with me a few days ago. I hope it isn't too soppy.

How He sees you

Everything you have experienced and felt that is beautiful, kind, true, warm, safe, real, full of laughter, full of joy, full of elation is directly from Him, made custom for your unique heart. He believes in you, He knows everything about you and nothing that can be told about you will change His love for you.

He’ll stay here with you for the whole game. He grieves with you, He never listens to untruth about you. He is your fan. He is your protector. He is always for you. Every moment He is bringing circumstances together for His glory and your good. He makes no mistakes about you. He loves you more than you can fathom in your sweetest thoughts. He thinks about you every moment. He is never put off by your unbelief, your distance, your hiding. He enters into all of your pain. He never stands aloof. He is, at this moment, changing your heart to free you to hear Him and let Him in. He is not ashamed of you or embarrassed by you. He is not sick of one more failure. He never sees you as unfit, not enough or insufficient. He is cleansing you every moment. He can play with you if you want, right in the middle of your deepest, darkest hour. He will not let life or enemies, or opponents, or slander or sadness or failure or unbelief swallow you up. He knows exactly when to bring water to your desert.

He is not far off, but ready and present right now to meet you in the worship songs, and in these words. He has seen down the road called life and He has for prepared good for you. He hears you. He understands the pain, confusion, disappointment, disillusionment, sorrow that no human can enter into. He smiles when your name is brought up. None of what you’re going through is ever punishment, or because He doesn’t love you as much as someone else. When confusing misfortune comes, He gathers His angels to watch your faith. He cheers you on. His delight in and love for you is as personal and unique as you are. His power in your life is endless. His ownership of you is secure and solid. His ability to change you in His perfect timing is unerring. Even in the things you wrongly blame Him for, He does not get angry or defensive. He just heaps more grace, more love, more tenderness onto you.

No prayer you cry to Him ever, ever goes unheard, or unfelt. He answers in perfect love. No pain is ever allowed randomly, but only after the counsel of His love to draw you to Him and make you more like Jesus. You are never alone or left to go it alone, even when you try to walk away. He is holding you, carrying you through every fear, doubt, blinding pain, and devastating disappointment. He has provided you a home with Him, so soon you will be in a land where there is no pain, no more hurt, no more disillusionment, no more past wounds, no more love promised and not delivered, no more failure, no more sin…