very confused

[grafton25]

Hello I am new to this site. I am hoping that someone here can give me some advice. I am very lost and confused about my relationship with my husband right now. I will try to sum things up. My husband moved myself and the children across the country back in July. He came out a few weeks before the kids and I. Once we arrived he informed me that he was unhappy and he would be leaving, he left that day. A month later he filed for divorce without even giving us a chance to work on things. We have been married 15 years and were together for 2 before that. I am very hurt by his actions as are the kids. He has recently agreed to go with me to see our church pastor. The few times that we have been he has been late, needs to leave early, or his texting during our meetings. He refuses to meet me in the evenings only wanting to meet during the day. What hurts the most is that he went from spending all his time with the kids to now only seeing them every other weekend. Here is where my confusion comes in, he now would like to try a legal seperation unstead of the divorce. He is not sure how much time he will have to spend on working at our marriage and refuses to spend the holidays with us. I have been trying to get him back since he left and I still love him very much. I think he is up to something and I should proceed with the divorce. Any thoughts?

 

[Hetta]

My thought is that there is something very strange going on - like another woman. I'm sure it has crossed your mind. I believe it is time for an ultimatum. Either he commits full time to saving your marriage, or he should proceed with the divorce. Otherwise, I am afraid he is playing you against another woman, and just does not want to tell you this.

On what basis was he intending to divorce you? Did he say that?

Also, as you were moved away from your home town, do you have people who will stand by you and give you support during this difficult time?

 

[renewed21]

he's cheating on you.

 

[grafton25]

Hetta,

It has crossed my mind that there is another woman. I have even asked him, which he replies that there is not. I am just so lost as to what I should do. He left and filed for divorce because he says that we fight too much. We had been fighting a lot, however I think counseling would have helped us.
He actually moved us back to an area where we have family and friends. But, I left a good job that was paying for me to get my masters and that had great health ins. I now have no job and can not afford to finish school.
I have a wonderful support team here. My church has been there for my whole family.
Right now I think my struggle is that God dislikes divorce. I want to do the right thing. I do love my husband and if he was really willing to try I would take him back. I just do not think he is willing to give it is all. I think he is already enjoying the single life and has moved on.

 

[renewed21]

Hetta,

It has crossed my mind that there is another woman. I have even asked him, which he replies that there is not. I am just so lost as to what I should do. He left and filed for divorce because he says that we fight too much. We had been fighting a lot, however I think counseling would have helped us.
He actually moved us back to an area where we have family and friends. But, I left a good job that was paying for me to get my masters and that had great health ins. I now have no job and can not afford to finish school.
I have a wonderful support team here. My church has been there for my whole family.
Right now I think my struggle is that God dislikes divorce. I want to do the right thing. I do love my husband and if he was really willing to try I would take him back. I just do not think he is willing to give it is all. I think he is already enjoying the single life and has moved on.

He will move on. Lemme guess he's between 35 and 45 yo and your sex lives have been "lacking" for some time now.

However he is setting himself up for quite a bit of alimony and or/child support. I true y feel for you I know the pain, I ws in your shoes as well. Big hugs sister

 

[grafton25]

Everything you just mentioned is correct. If we would go through with the divorce he has made an offer he would like me to agree to which I do not believe is enough. When I mention that I think I should be getting more he gets angry. He says he will try to work on things if I take what he is offering but if I ask for more he is not willing to try. The more I type the more I see that the writing is on the wall. It is so hard to let go.

 

[renewed21]

Everything you just mentioned is correct. If we would go through with the divorce he has made an offer he would like me to agree to which I do not believe is enough. When I mention that I think I should be getting more he gets angry. He says he will try to work on things if I take what he is offering but if I ask for more he is not willing to try. The more I type the more I see that the writing is on the wall. It is so hard to let go.

My ex did the the exact same thing. She was lying and so is your husband. He will not try to work on your marriage if you settle for less compensation. Dont fall for his tricks.

I know it is tough, I really do. Your story mirrors mine nd I know how men think. He wants to grab ahold of a fallicy that is happiness is found in being single and chasing skirts.

I am very sorry that you are going through this. If you need hlp or support feel free to pm me. I will be happy to go into specifics to show you I know what I am talking about.

Simply put, he is a boy and is spiritually weak and immature. Nothing you can do will fix or change that. I apologize if my post is too direct, but I dont bs too well.

 

[grafton25]

It looks like I can not pm you until I have 15 post since I am new to the site.

 

[Hetta]

Everything you just mentioned is correct. If we would go through with the divorce he has made an offer he would like me to agree to which I do not believe is enough. When I mention that I think I should be getting more he gets angry. He says he will try to work on things if I take what he is offering but if I ask for more he is not willing to try. The more I type the more I see that the writing is on the wall. It is so hard to let go.

You need a lawyer! Do not allow your husband to decide how much is enough for you to support your children. That is just not going to be enough. He is trying to blackmail you by making promises that I think that you truly know he will not keep. Get a lawyer, make it official, and be ready.

I'm so sorry. I truly am, but I think you will have to let go, because he already has.

 

[Hetta]

Hetta,

It has crossed my mind that there is another woman. I have even asked him, which he replies that there is not. I am just so lost as to what I should do. He left and filed for divorce because he says that we fight too much. We had been fighting a lot, however I think counseling would have helped us.
He actually moved us back to an area where we have family and friends. But, I left a good job that was paying for me to get my masters and that had great health ins. I now have no job and can not afford to finish school.
I have a wonderful support team here. My church has been there for my whole family.
Right now I think my struggle is that God dislikes divorce. I want to do the right thing. I do love my husband and if he was really willing to try I would take him back. I just do not think he is willing to give it is all. I think he is already enjoying the single life and has moved on.

From what you write, I also believe that he has moved on. As i said, get a lawyer. It's important that your children are properly supported while you work out what to do next. How many hours did you have in your Master's degree? Would it be wortwhile trying to find some way to get support so you can graduate?

I'm glad that you have your church. Lean on them!

ETA: God hates divorce, yes. But you know the scripture about letting the unbeliever depart, yes? I see this as your situation. He wants to leave, he wants to divorce, and he is clearly being dishonest. Even if you have a formal separation, get legal advice. (Very, very important.)

 

[dayhiker]

I echo the get a lawyer ... you need to be sure your getting your half of the settlement and child support.

I'm thinking from your 1st post that it might be good to get a private investigator ... sounded like he had a GF and was hiding that he was married to you from her. If you can find that person and let her know he is married, she might dump him and leave him out on the COLD.

Just a thought

 

[LinkH]

Legal separation is a lot cheaper than alimony and child support. You can tell him you don't believe in divorce, so you aren't going to make it easy by signing some easy settlement so he doesn't have to support his kids.

 

[grafton25]

He has been paying the bills since leaving and will pay child support if we divorce. He is offering to pay alimony for about a year. My lawyer says that I could get it for longer. We go to court a week from today. At this point I can settle with what he is offering and keep him talking to me or I can fight for more and he will no longer talk to me. My heart wants t believes we can work things out but my common sense says to let him go. I have prayed for God's guidance but I am not sure I am hearing him.

 

[dayhiker]

So what is the difference in money after a year? Will it make that much difference in your life? For the children it might be best to be talking to him and being able to civilly raise the children together.

But because of how he is, its probably best to limit your conversations and start to think about building your new life. Tho that might be in the future before your ready to do that, know that a time will come when you will be ready to build a new life.

Are you currently working? Do you make enough to live one?

 

[saturnnights]

Everything you just mentioned is correct. If we would go through with the divorce he has made an offer he would like me to agree to which I do not believe is enough. When I mention that I think I should be getting more he gets angry. He says he will try to work on things if I take what he is offering but if I ask for more he is not willing to try. The more I type the more I see that the writing is on the wall. It is so hard to let go.

I would wager a week's pay that if you let him off easy in the hope that he will "try to work on things," we'll see you here after a year or so, telling us that he's reneged and that you should have gotten a more fair settlement from him. Why else would his willingness to "try to work on things" be contingent upon saving himself money, rather than doing what is right? He fears a long period of alimony and high child support payments.

 

[LinkH]

You made a covenant with this man for life. Now he is trying to bail. Don't make it easy for him to bail. You don't have to be mean about it, but it shouldn't be easy for him to do this to you and the kids.

I like the private investigator idea. It could leave him without a girlfriend. Maybe that could lead to some level of repentance. If not, he'd know you had the goods on him and might realize he can't get away with these low balling tactics.

 

[Hetta]

Nobody can force an indifferent spouse to remain with them. You remove one gf - he goes and finds another one. It's a heart issue, not a possession issue. If his heart remains the same, he will do the same thing again.

 

[grafton25]

I can not afford to hire a private investigator. Even if I could I am not sure I want to know what he is doing. I think that would hurt even more.

 

[grafton25]

Dayhiker,

I am currently a substitute teacher only working when the school needs someone, which is not very often. I am able to pay the bills currently because he is putting money into our joint account. However, if I settle I will not be able to pay all the monthly bills. Not to mention any of the kids extra activities.

 

[renewed21]

I can not afford to hire a private investigator. Even if I could I am not sure I want to know what he is doing. I think that would hurt even more.

It is better for you in court with proof of his infidelity. I would advise getting that proof.