venting I guess?

[Caelesto]

I have no one I really feel I can talk to about this save one friend (but he's going through so much right now, I feel guilty telling him how I feel because he has actual horrible issues of his own to deal with....), so that's why I'm here.

The depression is really kicking my butt right now. Today was a really bad day. Like one of those days where being stuck in your own head feels like the worst kind of torture and you just want to tear your skin off.

The last few months, it's like everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong. The biggest of these being a recent upheaval at my [former] church, which even though it happened over a month ago, is still weighing heavily on my heart.

I was bass player and one of the vocalists on our worship team, and also recently elected as one of the members of the church council. Very long story short--due largely to a lack of communication and a pastor behaving in an extremely unChristianlike manner, the worship team was more or less driven out of the church like a bunch of criminals. On a Sunday morning. Five minutes before service started.

There was soooo much unnecessary drama, so much backstabbing, and so many outright lies told by our pastor to aid in his witch hunt and all of that has caused so much hurt I'm having a really hard time forgiving and moving on.

I attended that church for almost 20 years. Most of that was me attending with my parents because I had to, but over the last 5 years, since I really came to Jesus, that church has been my home. And now it feels like all of that has been ripped away. Looking for a new church home, hopefully with the rest of the worship team, but so far no luck.

And then over the last few weeks, I've really been at my wits end with my financial situation, hating my job, and my home life being extremely chaotic.

I have never felt so alone and hopeless in my life.

I have prayed and begged and pleaded, but the horrible thoughts never go away. It feels like God has turned away from me and I am absolutely heartbroken about it. I just don't know what to do. I pray for Him to show me the way forward, to please lift this darkness that every day gets more oppressive, but there is only silence. And I feel like if this is a test, I am going to fail.

 

[Winken]

I have no one I really feel I can talk to about this save one friend (but he's going through so much right now, I feel guilty telling him how I feel because he has actual horrible issues of his own to deal with....), so that's why I'm here.

The depression is really kicking my butt right now. Today was a really bad day. Like one of those days where being stuck in your own head feels like the worst kind of torture and you just want to tear your skin off.

The last few months, it's like everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong. The biggest of these being a recent upheaval at my [former] church, which even though it happened over a month ago, is still weighing heavily on my heart.

I was bass player and one of the vocalists on our worship team, and also recently elected as one of the members of the church council. Very long story short--due largely to a lack of communication and a pastor behaving in an extremely unChristianlike manner, the worship team was more or less driven out of the church like a bunch of criminals. On a Sunday morning. Five minutes before service started.

There was soooo much unnecessary drama, so much backstabbing, and so many outright lies told by our pastor to aid in his witch hunt and all of that has caused so much hurt I'm having a really hard time forgiving and moving on.

I attended that church for almost 20 years. Most of that was me attending with my parents because I had to, but over the last 5 years, since I really came to Jesus, that church has been my home. And now it feels like all of that has been ripped away. Looking for a new church home, hopefully with the rest of the worship team, but so far no luck.

And then over the last few weeks, I've really been at my wits end with my financial situation, hating my job, and my home life being extremely chaotic.

I have never felt so alone and hopeless in my life.

I have prayed and begged and pleaded, but the horrible thoughts never go away. It feels like God has turned away from me and I am absolutely heartbroken about it. I just don't know what to do. I pray for Him to show me the way forward, to please lift this darkness that every day gets more oppressive, but there is only silence. And I feel like if this is a test, I am going to fail.

God hasn't turned away. You are occupied by the Holy Spirit. It doesn't get any better than that! Relax......look to Him. Look to the years you had in a fellowship you enjoyed. Sit down with the rest of your group that has apparently been victimized. Meet with them on a regular basis, NOT to talk about the "mean ole pastor" but about your Faith. Faith is a constant. It doesn't come in amounts, and it never goes away! We just get in the way through our doubts and fears. Plan a picnic! Go sing in a public park! Go for it!

 

[Tempura]

You've lost what you had in that church - although not entirely, you have your friends (and your worship team as you called it) from there which are the most important thing about this. You haven't lost God, nor will God lose you.

People will always be people, and they will do bad things, but God will always be God, and people can't do anything about it. I can't do anything about it either, even if I'm struggling or at times desperate. My feelings won't determine God. But there are plenty of instances in the Bible where Christ looks at the poor, lonely and miserable with great love. Sometimes we'll get closer to God when we feel like we've lost everything. So whenever I'm lost, I try to look at Christ on the cross, who prayed for those who crucified Him, and have hope in His name. In those moments, all the surrounding confusion and crap is gone, and there's just a sinner praying to his God.

I would also encourage you to get professional help if you feel like everything's falling apart. I know, it's not easy for most people, but do consider it. I was lucky in a way, because I had no other options but to get help. I had no room for excuses at that point, it was either help or death. It could have turned out horribly, but it didn't. I benefited greatly from therapy and some meds (mostly benzos, although I am still a little addicted to them), even though I rebelled against every method of treatment and even though some of it didn't work. A lot of it did help me. I hope other people are smarter and get help sooner.

Said a prayer for you, God bless.

 

[Caelesto]

Thanks, guys. Professional help isn't really an option at this point with my financial situation (another huge stressor), but I'm trying to throw myself into art and music. Our band still has the odd event every month or so, I'm hoping we'll get more. Things have died down a bit since summer started, but we do have a really great team, so praying we find a permanent home. Until then, the doc will probably be upping all the meds...

 

[turkle]

I have found that instead of asking for God to take the pain away, that God responds in a way that I can hear when I ask Him to teach me what I am to learn from the pain so that I can change my course and move forward. That is when I hear Him best, when I've surrendered my will to His. Generally when I don't hear Him is when I'm hanging on tightly to something that I want and won't release it to God in trust. Maybe you are in this situation and would benefit from holding everything in an open hand and seeing what God does with it. I find that the outcome is usually something I never would have thought of, and always better than my own plan.