Well I don't know where to start really. I beleive I came into a relationship with Jesus about four years ago when I put down my bong and picked up a Bible but haven't really progressed at all since then and its taking its toll on me. My girlfriend of about a year and a half broke up with me about eight months ago. Weve started hanging out together and sleeping together again about five months ago. In the three months we were apart I got close to another girl. Someone I used to work with. Were not dating because she has no interest in dating me and she has a boyfriend who she is sort of engaged to...and we are also sleeping together. Its not why we hang out, it just happens. But I would be lying if I said i would give her just as much attention if we werent sleeping together. I feel like such a dirt bag. I have no friends except these two women who I am sleeping with. I dont want to be alone and no one wants to date me. I dont feel like being commited to one person and holding out until marriage is for me. I dont feel like anyone would do that for me. I dont believe I will ever get married. I am 24 years old, living with my parents and working in a bar. Everyone thinks Im an underachiever and a loser. I am quiet and timid and mostly unable to socialize most of the time because of the way I grew up and just because thats the way I am. Homeschooled in elementary private school with about twenty kids in my class from jr high through high school. Meth head from about 17 to age 20. Im tired of clinging to things I know will never make me happy. Someone could quote a few Bible verses and give a few words of advice and it would help for a little while but it wouldnt change me. I am so discusted with myself sometimes. When I first accepted Jesus I felt so peaceful. I had no money, no Job, no friends. I was so happy to just read about God everyday and ponder my existence. All I wanted was more God. I dont know how I got to where I am. I try to get back to the Bible and its not the same anymore...like ive lost something. I now cling to whatever worldly pleasures I can get my hands on just to pull me through the day. Sometimes I dont even care. Im content letting my morality go down the drain a little more each day as long as I can sit in front of a videogame at the end of the day or as long as Im not completely alone its whatever. Other times, like rite now Im so depressed ad hell and lonely and feeling like a dirtbag. I just want it to go away.
Sorry this is all so scattered I just have no one to talk to. If I met anyone on these forums, you would probably be discusted with me. I just want to bite the bullet and get it out even if I come across as a selfish bastard. Im scared of the opinions of other Christians when they see me for who I am but I just need something. I need so
eone to give advice/hope directly to me. Otherwise thanks for reading my ramblings anyway.
Well you pointed out the real issue is with your self image and you feel you are a loser and hopeless, but you are not a loser and not hopeless. However, you do need to make some changes to your life.
The good thing is your are not giving up, you are still seeking God to be in your life and still searching for answers to why you feel this way personally. Others can say all they want, but it is up to you to create your own good image, your own life, your own dreams, and find someone to truly love your for the good in you.
What you really need to do is get out and find a Church, I know its not easy, but if you can't find a Church you can fit into, then start going to some Prayer groups (check them out first and make sure they are not way out of bounds with the word by asking around or call the members and ask them what they believe.) Now, if you are not sure of the word yourself, then you need to spend some quality time with the Bible.
This will all help you find yourself a lot easier. Why? Because first you will find your place with God and see the real changes you can make for yourself and for God to please God.
You are in a position like millions of others. Sad about their life and how it turned out, guilty about past mistakes, want some change to make it better and live a better life. It seems to some like a rut, a nightmare they cannot escape, but it is simple to do in just one day.
Change your life by getting out, no need for gas money unless you live far from town, just get out and walk around town. Go visit a Church, find some Church gatherings in the paper and go to one of them. Find new friends that are involved in the word of God. If they start to mislead you, dump them and find some more new friends. What this does is gets you in the Christian atmosphere and out of the gutter of thinking your nightmare will never end. It soon finds a smile on your face and a new mission in life. A mission dedicated to Jesus, but that is up to you. How far do you want to go with your life with Jesus, is He only going to be used a crutch or are you going to dedicate your life fully to Jesus and spread the word, do some missions, travel with the Church and even meet someone in the Church to date that has strong values that both of you can respect and she will wait till marriage (you would hope).
Now as defeating the lust thing. It is called will power and focus. Lust is often used as a tool to subside the loneliness. This is what gets people into trouble every time they get lonely is they go out looking for a quick night with someone else, but end up feeling lonely in the end still the next day. The quick fix is not the cure. Procreation is meant for making children, not to be used as a toy or as a quick fix for loneliness. A sin does not cure the broken heart, and finding a mate for a night doesn't create love. To love someone comes from the heart, it has nothing to do with touch. There is no such thing as making love as the English lingo goes, Love comes from the heart, lust comes from the gut. Next time you get that feeling, realize what part of your body it is coming from.
Find some new hobbies, things that involve doing exercise with other Christians or at least involves being around other Christians. The problem today is Christians want to always mingle with the wrong crowds, this only gets them into trouble and leads them into temptation and away from God. How far do you want to make this change? That is up to you. You can stay in the gutter of nightmares and loneliness or you can do something for yourself and God and make yourself happy in the process. If you have a dream of some sort of job, then find a Christian college and research it and or find if you can learn it online for free.
Right now you risk two things. Your health and your soul (life). By playing around with those women you endanger your health, you are taking sin and using it as a tool and these are what God wants us to avoid. For a good reason too. Live healthy, live longer. Live for God and find Life everlasting. It is far from boring, you can ask many who have dedicated their lives to God if their life is ever boring. It is far from ever being boring. In fact, you may find yourself traveling the world just teaching the word and seeing the most amazing places besides. Now of all the single men I have know that did missionary work or at least joined the Christian Crusaders for Christ all found wives that were good Christian women and they are still extremely happy. People complain about being lonely but look in all the wrong places, it just takes getting yourself out there and getting into the right atmosphere to find the person to spend your life with.
I would personally change my job. A bar life is not exactly the place to work on being a Christian or trying to change your life. It is the worst gutter to ever be in. Second, never expect anything from God until you do something for God first. Then God will make you happy.
Never give up, never surrender. This is your life, your choice, your future awaits. What will it be?
God Bless
