Urges

[kodadog1024]

Do any of you ever get them (as related to intrusive thoughts)? How do you handle it?

 

[raven1]

I used to. What kind?

 

[kodadog1024]

they suck....

 

[raven1]

Yeah. I can help you more if you can tell me what kind. I have had many compulsions all types.

 

[kodadog1024]

last year, when I was depressed and had started my own business, it got so bad, and I was worried about everything, that a vision of me cutting my own throat happened for a split second and attached itself to me. I then worried about killing myself, either through cutting my own throat or hanging myself. When I latched on to that, I couldn't get it out of me head. I would think about it non-stop, from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed. I then thought, "what if I did this to my family?". That crushed me to the point of wanting to take my own life. I thought, if God wants me to be this murderer/killer how could I go against Him?, since He is always right? I cried most of the time, because I knew, well for one, I wanted to end my life and two, I would never be with God/Christ because this is who He wanted me to be and He would never accept me. It's gotten much better with medication, closing my business and getting a new job as well as getting back to working out, but just the other night, I was kissing my wife and all of a sudden I had this urge to break her neck and it started to make me panic. It sets me back, way back sometimes. Just when I think I have it under control. Or I will come home after work and envision blood all over my house walls because I killed my entire family and I start thinking "what if I am a psychopath killer deep down inside, "or yup, this is the night I am going to go crazy... if I wasn't a psychopath, then I wouldn't get these thoughts, then I start ruminating all over again. That's how about 3/4 of my life is right now since last year. Sorry for the long, drawn out post.

 

[kodadog1024]

Just writing this in detail makes me think there is something wrong with me. I HATE this. And it seems like when it comes back, it comes back with a vengeance. I know you have expressed how difficult it is for you to think your not saved, but I think I know how you feel, because sometimes I think, I know how to get saved, and at the same time, I think, "you haven't done enough" or even though you want to be saved, your still a monster and will never get God's love.

 

[kodadog1024]

And that's when I just want to quit. But somehow I still press on and I know it's God's grace that allows me to stay alive and keep moving forward.

 

[raven1]

For a short while. Maybe a month at most. I was terrified I was going to kill my husband the anxiety was awful. One morning I felt this fear well up inside of me when he was still asleep that I was going to kill him. I woke him up and told him. I guess to give him a heads up to defend himself. He sat up looked at me and said ok and went back to sleep. I asked him later why he wasn't scared and he said I know you don't want to kill me. I went through a pros and cons list as bad as this sounds. Pros advantages of killing him and cons and that put everything in perspective of why I did not really want to do this. I figured it wouldn't benefit me at all. I know that sounds awful but I would assume if the pros weighed more I would have left to keep him safe.

 

[gracealone]

Oh Yes! And they are torture, most especially the kind where you have an image or thought often graphic of doing horrid harm to a loved one. I had excruciating harming thoughts about my children. Also with my last bout of OCD I had a thought or urge to swallow my whole bottle of Xanax. I was afraid to be left alone for fear that I'd act on that thought.
How do I treat those thoughts now - exposure. For instance I can still get the thought about my pills just as I'm taking a morning med. like my BP med. or my Buspar. So when that happens I dump the whole bottle out into my hand and just stand there looking at the pills. Then I'll say something like this; "Well, looks as if today is the day you're finally going to do yourself in." Then, "well I suppose I could put that off till later I do have a lot of house work to get done." Then I put the pills back in the bottle and get on with my day.
For the harming thoughts I've learned to mostly ignore them, but sometimes you need to do exposure to them. You can write out a story of what it would be like if you actually acted on the thoughts. You describe yourself doing it as well as the horrid outcome. Then read it outloud to yourself. Fun eh? But it does the job to habituate your brain to the thoughts so it stops freaking out about their presence. It will make your anxiety spike in the beginning but as you keep at it you will be able to have those thoughts in your head and remain very calm about them.
Anyhow that's how I handle those kind of OCD thoughts. Back in the early 80's I was pretty debilitated by this kind of OCD. I didn't know it was OCD so I had no clue what to do about them. I got really sick. I could barely function. I stopped eating, couldn't sleep, could barely leave my home etc. I'm 5'8" tall and my weight plummeted to 115 pounds. It lasted about 2 years. I think I was able to pull out of it because by then I understood I had panic disorder and was using exercise and relaxation techniques to treat that. I ran 5 miles a day and it really helped a lot.
Sorry that you're going through this. It's miserable.
Praying, Mitzi

Do any of you ever get them (as related to intrusive thoughts)? How do you handle it?

 

[kandcmom]

This is exactly what happens to me when I have an Ocd episode. Thankfully, I don't have
a problem for months at a time, but then I will read something or hear something or my husband will go out of town and leave me with the kids and it all comes back, and I have
awful "urges" or feeling like I'm loosing my mind. I usually take an Ativan (I am also on
Zoloft) and that helps quite a bit. My husband is gone this week and I'm suffering for
it but with God's grace I can ride this storm and show my kids I love them at the same time.
Sorry you all have suffering thoughts too. Praying for you all.
Kathy

 

[ocdmom]

Isn't it interesting how a lot of us have the exact same themes in the harm thoughts? What you described is an unwanted scenario I've had intrude on my thoughts as well. I hate it!

 

[redblue22]

Sometimes I just get angry. If I start checking locks on the door I think about how I would rather be robbed and killed than to check locks the rest of my life. I've been known to accidentally leave the door open after falling asleep.

As for harm thoughts, I just go with the thought. In fact, right now I was thinking about them regarding my brother. <staff edit> And for some reason I stop being afraid and think wow, this is really dumb, I'm not going to harm him. He's my brother and I love him.

 

[redblue22]

Another thing that has helped is having my worst fear come true. For example, I was terrified of my steering going out on my car in a mountain tunnel. Then one day I was in a construction tunnel where cars were going opposite ways in a single tunnel. And my steering actually did go out right by a semi. I lived and that made all the difference. I thank God for that.

 

[kodadog1024]

Well, today was my first encounter with another theme. I am listening to some mellow electronic music and there is some softened voices in and out and then all of a suddwn I thought I heard the word "Lucifer". And then almost immediately I said, come into my heart Satan, come into my soul. I swear, this <staff edit> never gives up.... I hope that isn't going into a new theme. just frustrated as all get out.