Update

[GreyWolf]

I'm ok

 

[Bellicus]

Praying for you.

Do you have any family members or friends you can hang out with? Even if you don't feel like it, then it would probably be of help for you to be around others that don't look so darkly at life as you do right now. Also just to do something would perhaps make it feel better. Like putting on some warm clothes and having a long walk. Listening to some happy music. Reading a book. Watching a movie. Playing a computer game. Having something good to eat. Anything is better then to just sit and feel bad about life.

Good luck, and God bless you.

 

[Alive again]

Thanks for letting us know. We do care and would like to keep hearing how you are and that you are still okay. Are you able to see your therapist or doc?

 

[GreyWolf]

I see my doctor next week and have a support group also where I can talk to my counselor.

I edited my last post. The truth is, I dont' want anyone to call the cops on me. But I feel like I owe you guys the truth.

I hurt myself. I couldn't have died from what I did, but I felt so angry at myself that I wanted to hurt, and I wanted to get the feel of what suicide would be like. You know, how it would be to hang- (though I know, I did it years ago. I gues I wanted to remind myself) I choked myself with a noose. I did it in a way that if I'd passed out it would have loosened and I would have been fine. So it wasn't a suicide attempt.

I know I shouldn't have done it. I"m going to be ok, though, it was just that I woke up at 3 am and had no one to call and reach out to. I would have called someone if they'd been up or a hotline if I had known of one. I guess. The problem is, it eased things for a little while, but that kind of thing can be addictive, like cutting. It makes me want to do it again, for longer this time.

It was weird. It made me feel better, but it also made me feel worse. After I did it I fell back to sleep and had a horrible dream, one that I was at a Christian camp and was looking all around, through the buildings, etc, to find a way to kill myself. I wanted to die very much in the dream, but things kept happening to stop me. I found a rope and went to hang myself in a tree but there were people around. They saw me and I had to come up with an excuse. I found other means, and couldn't get them or fool people enough to do it, and in the end, I finally succeeded and committed suicide. It was a very upsetting dream.

Hopefully, though, its not prophetic. I'm sure its not. I just have to not do it. Fight the temptation to hurt myeslf, you know, even when its hard. It's self-injury, I think, but there is a part of me that wants to push the envelope, you know, have the risk of death, no matter how slim.

But I won't do it, I'll be ok. I'll call someoen if it gets real bad, there are friends of mine at home all day.

 

[GreyWolf]

I am going through a hard time, still struggling. please keep me in your thoughts. Every now and then I will post that I'm ok so you know. The feelings and tempations are still upsetting, so please continue to lift me up in prayer. I will be in touch later.

 

[Bellicus]

Praying for you. Its good to see that you are fighting today, and that you come for prayer and support. I am sure this will bring you somewhere better. When better days come where you don't feel like you have to fight that much anymore, you will be glad that you didn't give up these days. God bless you.

 

[Alive again]

Adding my prayers and thanks for keeping in touch. We do care about you and what you are struggling through!

 

[GreyWolf]

Hey Friends,

For reasons I won't get into, I am taking a leave of absence from CF. I apprecaite all the support you have given me, and please continue to pray for me. But don't be concerned when you don't hear from me for a little while, ok?

Thank you.

 

[Ariel]

I am going through a hard time, still struggling. please keep me in your thoughts. Every now and then I will post that I'm ok so you know. The feelings and tempations are still upsetting, so please continue to lift me up in prayer. I will be in touch later.

I am still praying for you, GreyWolf, and hoping that you are okay.

I struggled with thoughts of suicide once too.

GreyWolf, I am so glad I never succeeded. I was stopped. In the middle of the night, something shook my husband awake and told him to find me. When he did, I was angry and upset, but I know today that it was an angel of God who physically shook my husband awake and spoke to him.

Suicide is never God's will for us, absolutely never. Today because I didn't succeed I have two more children, who are now teenagers. In a sense I would have taken their lives too. My life changed dramatically, today I shudder at what I almost did.

GreyWolf, God loves you, even if you don't think so. He has a plan for your life, an awesome plan. But to get there you need to shun these thoughts, even tell them to go away in Jesus Christ's name! God loves you, He wants you to have wonderful life. Think about the children you may have someday. Surely that is part of His plan for you. There are so many wonderful things ahead of you--perhaps holding your own little son of daughter in your arms someday. There is no high like this, realizing God's love for you and through you.

But to get there you are going to have to stop doing these dangerous things. Have you not realized that cutting off oxygen to your brain is destroying brain cells?

God loves you. If you are alive it is because He has a plan for your life. You can have a wonderful life, filled with His love and favor.

Please help yourself get there. You will not always hurt, I promise you this, but you need to help yourself right now by shunning these thoughts and reaching out for help.

 

[GreyWolf]

Hi. I know I said I was going to leave the forum. But I don't really want to. Truth is, I need as much support as I can get right now.

I had a talk with my counselor. She said my hurting myself in the middle of the night was very serious, more serious than I was taking it, that it was a trial run and an attempt and a serious step towards suicide.
I'm really hurting right now. Truth is, I need the support of the forum.

Please respond or pm me. Thanks.

 

[Ariel]

I am here, GreyWolf. Truth is, I was up praying for you a lot at night, losing sleep, crying out to God for you. I care about you deeply, I am so worried about you. Others you have been talking to probably also feel the same way. They care about you deeply, so do I.

Please realize that what you have been doing is addictive, yes, because that short high you get is caused by endorphins released because brain cells have been damaged. You can be severely brain damaged, and even end up in a vegetative state.

I care about you. Dear one, please, please consider what you are doing.

 

[mont974x4]

You do need to realize how serious the situation is and that people here are doing what they can because we do care about you.

You are made in the image of God. You are important and an incredibly valuable person to God and to the people who care about you.

 

[Ariel]

You are made in the image of God. You are important and an incredibly valuable person to God and to the people who care about you.

This is so true.

 

[GreyWolf]

The police officer who came to my house was really nice. He seemed genuinely concerned and kind. He gave me the number of the police station, and said that I could call it to bypass 911 if 911 was too intimidating. He said I could call anytime day or night, and they'd send an ambulence with no sirens or lights to pick me up and bring me to someone I could talk to (I know it will be someone at the hospital and all) and it could be real discreet. He said they do it all the time. So now I have that number, and I will try to find the strength to use it if I have to.

I also talked to my counselor this mornign and she said the people on the forum did the right thing. She said I have to make my own decision as to whether to stay on the forum, but that it would be a shame to throw away a support system.

Truth is, I really need you guys. I feel that if I am alone, handling this on my own with no one to talk to or go to for help, I will not survive. I need your help and support right now. I feel that I do not deserve it. Part of me even feels guilty for accepting it. But I know that I am in a life or death struggle and I need all the help I can get.

I'm thinking of trying to go to church this Sunday. There is a local church that gave me the money to help me pay my electric bill and the pastor and his wife are really nice. Maybe I could go to church with them. I never thought I could go back to church but maybe I will.

I am struggling with a great desire to hurt myself. For many reasons. I woke up again in the middle of the night, tempted, but I managed to get through it and back to sleep. My counselor says I need to realize how serious what I did the other night was, how it was basically a step towards really dying, a trial run. SO I have to make sure I don't do it again.

Please continue to pray for me.

 

[Ariel]

Praying for you, believing for you, hoping for you. ((((hug))))

 

[mont974x4]

We will pray. We will stay availoable to talk and support you.
Going to that church would be a good idea. It would be great to find some people in your area that can help you and love you.

I understand your hurt and your apprehensive about going back to a church, but you need to remember that not all people will treat you the way those other people treated you. There are good and godly people who would love to love you the way Christ loves you.


There is a line of thinking that says when we come to Christ we grow in Him for the purpose of helping others. That is true. We are called to love people and help people and we are blessed to be able to do that.

 

[GreyWolf]

I called the pastor. I told him about my suicidal issues. He told me I had to know it wasn't the right answer. He said he'd try to find someone to take me to church this sunday (I do not have a car) I never thought I'd go back to church. I don't want to, I'm afraid to.

But I'm so desperate. I am struggling so hard. I am wanting to die so much. I need help, all the help I can get. And I figure if they do reject me and hurt me, can it really get much worse? Probably not, I'm in pain already.

I fell asleep a littel while ago, and dreamed that I choked myself again. It was so vivid I woke up thinking I had done it. That is how great the temptation is, that it is invading my dreams so powerfully. I struggle through every hour. That is why I really need you, my CF friends right now.

So please keep in touch.

 

[mont974x4]

We're still here. I understand your fear about going back to church. I pray that you find some loving and helpful people in your area. I am proud of you for being honest with us and with that pastor. It is a huge step and it was a good one to take.

I wouldn't give dreams too much credit. Sometimes they do indicate real life struggles but at other times they are just dreams. I know I have dreamt some really off the wall stuff that seemed ver real.

Do you have any hobbies? Sometimes we get so wrapped up in trying to not think of something we are tempted with that we spend all our time thinking about it and not putting it behind us. We need good hobbies that offer real distractions and we need to surround ourselves with things that help us think on better things..like godly music, books, and movies. I suggest going online and seeing if you have KLOVE or AIR 1 on a local radio station, also Calvary Satellite Network is Christian talk radio (they have music at times but good teaching throughout the day, I listen to them online as well as in my truck).

I could also suggest some music if you'd like? I like some of the heavier stuff. Seventh Day Slumber is good. We saw them in concert last Summer. Kutless is another heavier group that we enjoy, as well as Skillet. Jeremy Camp is good, but not heavy. Toby Mac is more hip hop but the kids and I enjoy his stuff.

 

[Thekla]

Hey, GreyWolf

prayers for you

What a victory that you keep coming here when you need to. Thats one; each time you reach out is another victory

 

[GreyWolf]

You are right, m, about the hobbies. I love to read. I picked up a book last night, and was really enjoying it.

It is kind of a stupid book. I like thrillers and mysteries, books that keep me guessing and keep me on my toes. This one is about a bunch of hikers who go into the woods and get beset upon by vampires. I know, silly huh? But pretty good escapist fiction because its exciting but could never really happen so its not really that scary. though I do like the scary stuff sometimes. Maybe after that I'll pick up a good mystery. Do you know I have over a thousand books? I got most of them at library books sales. You can get a book at these sales for less than 25 cents here. Others I get from book swapping sites or as gifts. I got four bookstore gift cards this Christmas and used two of them so far. Reading is my favorite passtime.

I like movies too. I think I'm going to go through my collection later and dig out some comedies. I havea few I haven't seen yet. Something nice and funny to get my mind off things. What do you think?

I will keep updating everyone throughout the day, ok?

Thank you all SO MUCH for being there. I am learning that there must be a God- and he may be a loving God after all- because I see him in all of you.