Hey....I just thought I'd post an update on me.
I found out through a very good new friend
that the Abilify, which I had been put on, could cause suicidal thoughts. I called my psychiatrist and told her how suicidal I've been feeling lately, and she told me to cut my pills in half. Literally- I have to get a pill cutter. She doesn't want to take me off the Abilify but at least she is weaning me down. She and my counselor also said they really, really, wanted me to go to the hospital. The thing is, my parents would be furious, it being thanksgiving and all. If it wasn't for the holiday coming up, I would have said yes. But I was also supposed to go to stay at my grandmas (3 hours away from my doctors) for a week next week. No way that's going to happen while I'm changing meds. I told my Grandma and she was kind of upset. I wish my family understood a little more about how things are for me but they kind of seem to be in denial, even when I tell them I'm having suicidal feelings. MY sister is going to be working in her studio (which also happens to be my temporary bedroom) all night next week because her song is due for class, and that was why I was going to my grandmas. I don't know how we are going to work it out. I told her I can't go to the hospital just because she doesn't want me around. I'm trying not to feel guilty about not going to my grandmas because that kind of messes everything up. I don't know how I'll feel after Thanksgiving. The dr said the suicidal feelings could get worse when the medicine is lowered (she's cutting the dose in half from a high dose) and I said if it got real bad I'd call the crisis line. If I do have to stay home next week, I won't get much sleep, because my sister will be in my room all night and won't let me in while she's composing, and she won't let me sleep in HER room because she takes periodic naps, and I can't sleep downstairs because there's the piano, which she also needs...its a mess. She's going to have to deal, I have needs too. I don't need all this extra pressure I'm getting from my family. But, my counselor said I could come in to inpatient treatment at the day program- frankly I don't think it will help much, I've gone before- but I guess its better than being home alone all day. I will have to go on the van early and then stay until three. They have some therapy groups there.
I'm still really thinking suicidal thoughts.....I keep thinking, no one is home now, and I could do what I'm thinking.....five minutes, and all this would be over. I have to stop thinking about it. But just a few bad minutes and my life could be over and no more pain...I know its wrong, I will keep pushing it out of my mind. I kind of wish I could go inpatient, even though it is Thanksgiving. If I don't write for a while, it probably means that I went inpatient. (Or it could mean...but we won't think about that. sorry.) If anyone wants to write to me, I opened a new account under a fake name so I could post it publically- opalinaatmywaydotcom (I can't use the symbols, I don't have enough posts) I am going to try real hard. So many of you have shown me Christian love, I owe it to you to try. I will.
I found out through a very good new friend
that the Abilify, which I had been put on, could cause suicidal thoughts. I called my psychiatrist and told her how suicidal I've been feeling lately, and she told me to cut my pills in half. Literally- I have to get a pill cutter. She doesn't want to take me off the Abilify but at least she is weaning me down. She and my counselor also said they really, really, wanted me to go to the hospital. The thing is, my parents would be furious, it being thanksgiving and all. If it wasn't for the holiday coming up, I would have said yes. But I was also supposed to go to stay at my grandmas (3 hours away from my doctors) for a week next week. No way that's going to happen while I'm changing meds. I told my Grandma and she was kind of upset. I wish my family understood a little more about how things are for me but they kind of seem to be in denial, even when I tell them I'm having suicidal feelings. MY sister is going to be working in her studio (which also happens to be my temporary bedroom) all night next week because her song is due for class, and that was why I was going to my grandmas. I don't know how we are going to work it out. I told her I can't go to the hospital just because she doesn't want me around. I'm trying not to feel guilty about not going to my grandmas because that kind of messes everything up. I don't know how I'll feel after Thanksgiving. The dr said the suicidal feelings could get worse when the medicine is lowered (she's cutting the dose in half from a high dose) and I said if it got real bad I'd call the crisis line. If I do have to stay home next week, I won't get much sleep, because my sister will be in my room all night and won't let me in while she's composing, and she won't let me sleep in HER room because she takes periodic naps, and I can't sleep downstairs because there's the piano, which she also needs...its a mess. She's going to have to deal, I have needs too. I don't need all this extra pressure I'm getting from my family. But, my counselor said I could come in to inpatient treatment at the day program- frankly I don't think it will help much, I've gone before- but I guess its better than being home alone all day. I will have to go on the van early and then stay until three. They have some therapy groups there.I'm still really thinking suicidal thoughts.....I keep thinking, no one is home now, and I could do what I'm thinking.....five minutes, and all this would be over. I have to stop thinking about it. But just a few bad minutes and my life could be over and no more pain...I know its wrong, I will keep pushing it out of my mind. I kind of wish I could go inpatient, even though it is Thanksgiving. If I don't write for a while, it probably means that I went inpatient. (Or it could mean...but we won't think about that. sorry.) If anyone wants to write to me, I opened a new account under a fake name so I could post it publically- opalinaatmywaydotcom (I can't use the symbols, I don't have enough posts) I am going to try real hard. So many of you have shown me Christian love, I owe it to you to try. I will.
