*Update* If I needed help before, I need a miracle now

[tryingtobe]

My husband finally contacted me after I got a hold of his family and none of them have sent him money to leave and no one knows where he is. He emailed his brother and he is still in my city. I talked with his brother and traced the ip addredd on the computer to confirm that he is here. Then I traced an email and got a rough location of where he is staying. I sent him an email saying I know you are still here and whatever the problem is we can work it our. I asked him to come home tonight he says he can't but he will when he can. I don't understand this and I think he's met someone else so now I don't know what to do. I'm so hurt but at the same time I just want him to come home. What should I do if he has been dating someone else?

 

[c1ners]

I think you need to take one day at a time sweetie. Don't allow your over active imagaination to run away with you. In other words, don't dwell on the things that you don't know are for certain.

I know you're worried about him, and you have every right to be. Just keep praying for him. All you can do right now is to let him know that you love him, and you'll be there when he's ready.

It's hard. I know. I've been there.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Be strong - I know that ounds hard to hear - but act is if you have the strength and you'll probably discover you do - God is not far away from any of us.

 

[tryingtobe]

I feel like my strength is fading. I've barely done any work today adn I'm still not able to eat. I'm trying to be strong for my Daughter but when she is asking for him it breaks my heart even more. I can't stand the thoughts of him having an affair in our marriage and I don't know how I would be able to move past it.

 

[Redguard]

Based on what I read in your other thread, it sounds to me like something is definitely up.

Two situations come to mind.

1. He's gotten himself into some trouble and needs/wants to clear things up so as not to bring any of this trouble into the house. (Gambling, STDs, drugs, etc)

2. He's going through a personal mental crisis and is trying to distance himself from you and everyone else until he's able to unravel whatever mess is going on in his mind. Probably searching for peace within himself, or thinking about a major decision that he has to make in regards to his relationship with you and your daughter.

 

[suzybeezy]

suspicion is an instinct and we are usually suspicious based on some foundation of reality - but you cannot struggle in trying to guess or figure that out. just pray about it and allow God to reveal it for you.

 

[BigNorsk]

I too think that he is in a horrible personal crises and I think he actually did convince himself that you didn't want him and would be better off without him.

In such a frame of mind, a person would be susceptible if someone showed interest in him and such. I wouldn't say he isn't responsible for his actions but it may indeed have actually gotten to such a point.

I can understand how devastating it would feel to you, but it's actually quite possible that such would be the reason he is still alive. I don't know if he is suicidal, but he almost acts like it.

I don't know the real him, that's always the concern with long distance relationships that people can put on a front and fool the other into thinking they are something they aren't, we have to wonder if you know the real him. He's probably a bit afraid that you actually are getting to know the real him and he probably "knows" that that means you aren't going to like or love him.

I really don't get the impression that he is some sort of love 'em and leave 'em kind of guy. But I think that he is probably a bit or more than a bit passive agressive, very negative towards himself in his thinking. Like you tell him that you are willing to follow him anywhere, and he says something like that isn't necessary, but then he really doesn't accept that, and comes to resent that you and he aren't someplace else. So you can't get him to actually do what he wants to do, but he then comes back with it chewing on him that he "can't" do what he wants to do. The only trap is in his own mind.

That's just an amateur evaluation but I think that's what's going on. He isn't doing things and he always has a reason for that, often as if he is being nice to someone like you, but then his response is destructive and resentful.

I won't candy coat it, it's difficult to live with someone like that. You'll be the reason in his mind that things aren't going well, even though you try to encourage him, he probably won't really take it to heart.

You can see the self destruction with his idea that he can't come back to you yet, even though you want him to.

Glad that you heard from him! Keep at him. With the long distance relationship you had, you and he may actually communicate better with him not being right there with you.

I would say keep emailing him. It's almost like you are a hostage negotiator trying to get him to give himself up.

Marv

 

[MaraPetra]

Just a thought here.

My husband and I started out in a long-distance relationship. We'd literally talk for hours at a time, and never once notice the passage of such. But then, our love was still new, and the harmony we shared wasn't distracted by physical closeness or attraction.

We've been together almost five years now. I've watched him backslide, go into depression, then get raised back where he needs to be in Christ. It's certainly been a roller-coaster ride of emotions.

A few months ago, he went through a personal crisis where he removed himself from the home. He didn't do it to hurt me, but to get away from the distraction which I presented to him. He was despairing, and felt that my presence around him would remind him of his own personal failures. I persisted, communicating with him mostly through text messaging. He literally did not want to hear my voice

Once he returned, we discovered that we speak best on...IM. Right now, our best arguments are held on MSN Messenger.

Did I neglect to mention that his computer is in our bedroom, and my computer is in the living room? The most violence our kids hear nowadays is loud typing.

Point being, stay strong, sister. Communicate that you care. Let him know that your love is still there, because even though he's absent, you can bet he's evaluating the relationship. Let him know you're willing to continue working on the relationship. Pray that God softens his heart, and he sees with startling vision the love and the lifetime commitment which awaits him at home.

Every marriage goes through storms of some sort, and that includes Christian marriages. There's no clear answer to your situation, but you can bet that it's in God's hands, nonetheless.

Mara

 

[lady4theallmighty]

I am very sorry that you are going through this, I will pray for you and your husband. You might consider talking to a Pastor at your church. During desperate times it's easy to feel overwhelmed with emotion, naturally. It's a good time to surround yourself with Christians that you trust and who will pray for you AND more importantly WITH you. Pray with your daughter as well. God is listening, he will hear your prayers. If you don't have a church that you attend regularly, ask around and get into a church for some support.

God Bless You my friend.

 

[tryingtobe]

He sent me an email yesterday that said he is coming home but didn't specify when. He also put the blame on me for his leaving which made me feel bad because I've only ever tried to make him happy. He dosen't want me talking with anyone about our personal business and I'm feeling like he did this to control me. I don't know how to feel about him coming home. On one hand I just want him back home with us and feeling like a family again. On the other, there is a lot of doubt in my mind as to his character now. I'm afraid that he will leave again if things get difficult or that something may have happened while he was gone that I may not be able to move past. I am going to a church this Sunday with a friend and she told me to call ahead and talk to someone. I'm so confused and the fact that he is somewhere else and I am left to deal with all of this hurts me too. I don't want him back if he's going to come and go in my daughter's life. She as well as I need stability and I don't know if he can offer that anymore. How do I trust him again after this? How do I even knwot hat he's telling me the truth tht he's coming home? I am asking God for guidance and support and I know He hears me but I'm not yet sure of what I should do.

 

[snoochface]

He sent me an email yesterday that said he is coming home but didn't specify when. He also put the blame on me for his leaving which made me feel bad because I've only ever tried to make him happy. He dosen't want me talking with anyone about our personal business and I'm feeling like he did this to control me. I don't know how to feel about him coming home. On one hand I just want him back home with us and feeling like a family again. On the other, there is a lot of doubt in my mind as to his character now. I'm afraid that he will leave again if things get difficult or that something may have happened while he was gone that I may not be able to move past. I am going to a church this Sunday with a friend and she told me to call ahead and talk to someone. I'm so confused and the fact that he is somewhere else and I am left to deal with all of this hurts me too. I don't want him back if he's going to come and go in my daughter's life. She as well as I need stability and I don't know if he can offer that anymore. How do I trust him again after this? How do I even knwot hat he's telling me the truth tht he's coming home? I am asking God for guidance and support and I know He hears me but I'm not yet sure of what I should do.

You're smart to be questioning his character.

He leaves when the going gets rough.

He manipulates you by putting the blame on you for his own actions.

He controls you by putting the fear into you that he can and will leave again with no notice.

He's broken trust in this relationship. He has shown himself to be unreliable and untrustworthy. He is showing himself to be irresponsible by refusing to take responsibility for his own actions. He's controlling and manipulative.

Didn't you say that he had left women high and dry in the past? To quote Dr. Phil, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior - unless something dramatic happens to change a person. It sounds like he is doing to you what he has done to other women in the past.

You're smart to be wondering whether his coming home is the right thing for you and your daughter. I hope you all can get into some good Christian counseling to try to work through these issues. You and your daughter deserve more stability than this, and if he is going to be the Christian leader of your family that he should be, he's going to need to address the issues that have caused him to behave in this way and take responsibility for his actions.

Keep praying. I'll pray for you.

 

[tryingtobe]

I called a recommended pastor today (we haven't actually been to the church since we moved). The pastor is away this week but someon is available to talk to me tonight. I'm hoping to receive some guidance. Thank you for your prayers. I need all the help I can receive right now. It will be a week tomorrow and I feel so weak.

 

[BigNorsk]

By all means go in and talk.

Your guy sounds like a hold it all in guy, and he's trying to get you to do so too. It's really a hallmark of problems. Note that he held it all in until he couldn't handle it and then he ran. If you try to hold it all in it will cause similar problems for you when it all gets too overwhelming.

See, the basic problem is he doesn't deal with things, he just holds them, and then he runs. Hopefully, out of this, he will start to face things and talk about them and even get help when needed.

He has a basic choice to make, does he honor his commitment that he made in marriage by learning to talk about and face problems. Or does he continue to run whenever things get difficult because his unhelpful behavior prevents him from getting help and thus makes the problems worse than they really are.

One of the big problems in counseling is those most in need of help are often those most strongly opposed to getting it.

Marv