Update - He Called

[tryingtobe]

So he sent me an email that says he would like to visit next week. I said yes but I am nervous that I'm going to end up blurting out all the questions I have about where he's been and how could he do this to me. I don't know how to approach him. I feel so distant from him it's like I don't know him. What do I do?

 

[MaraPetra]

Take a deep breath. Count to ten...Exhale slowly.

This may be a time when, instead of blurting out what you want to know, you remain quiet and allow him to talk. He's the one who has done this, and has his answers. Resist the urge to beat him over the head with the nearest ficus bush. Also resist the urge to cry.

Approach him with kindness. You told him you'd give him his space. In that act, you set him free. Now, it seems he's trying to re-establish communication on his own. Allow him that.

Once he gets out his reasons for leaving (and trust me on this, he will), then you can decide how to handle it. Just go into this with a lot of prayer and faith that God's going to make this right.

The best advice I can give you is to just listen to him. Yes, he's very wrong to do what he has. But considering circumstances, this may be the opening which begins a healing process.

I'm heartened to hear he's opening lines of communication again. Keep praying, keep strong, and above all, know God's still in control.

Mara

 

[Wisdom's Child]

There a truth taught by the best buisness negotiators.
The one who speaks first is the loser....

Meet with him, but say nothing......
It is time to be "The Ice Queen", and I happen to know that every woman in the world comes with that feature factory issue.

You may be boiling inside, but honey keep your composure and your poker face. Your turn will come, but now is not the time.
It is his time right now......He made his opening bid.......hear him out.
Do not agree to anything, only say that you need time to think.
That is all........let him stew......if he is for real he will wait it out.

 

[Southern Cross]

"You are welcome to visit until 7 p.m. After that I have to get the kids to bed and have other things to do. Time permitting, you can stay to kiss your kids goodnight if you wish."

Make him sweat a little for once. Don't jump back into this with both feet the first time he comes back to "visit".

 

[lady4theallmighty]

"You are welcome to visit until 7 p.m. After that I have to get the kids to bed and have other things to do. Time permitting, you can stay to kiss your kids goodnight if you wish."

Make him sweat a little for once. Don't jump back into this with both feet the first time he comes back to "visit".

Great advice. Resist the urge to "blurt it all out". Let the conversation happen naturally. And again, PRAY PRAY PRAY!

 

[AirForceTeacher]

"You are welcome to visit until 7 p.m. After that I have to get the kids to bed and have other things to do. Time permitting, you can stay to kiss your kids goodnight if you wish."

Make him sweat a little for once. Don't jump back into this with both feet the first time he comes back to "visit".

FWIW, as the "messed up spouse", I think this is the wrong approach - I know that I wouldn't have taken it well. I can't tell you if that would have been good, and I can't tell you if it's the right thing for you and him, but animosity and "making him sweat a little" sounds like vengeance and control.

Be in control of yourself, not him - you can't be. All you can do is guard yourself against abusive speech. If he has a history of that, set the ground rules first and stick to them - no more than one warning, if that. It has to be unacceptable for him to talk to you in a way that belittles you - I am still learning this and it's really hard.

But, turnign it back on hiim will not improve your relationship, especially if he thnks you don't like him.

You've got a rough time ahead, and noone can sugarcoat it, but you can be strong enough to get through it. You strength or lack of strength with other people is all inside of you. You just have to decide to be strong -- it's not as easy as it sounds, but it's entirely possible.

 

[BigNorsk]

I think the most important thing is a big long hug. I don't think he's done any of this intending to hurt you, and you certainly haven't intended to hurt him. You both are hurting and worried and I just think the thing to do is just to acknowledge each other as a hurting person and just hug and hold each other. An important thing for you to establish is that going to each other isn't punishment for doing wrong. He probably expects pretty rough treatment, and it would really be easy to do wouldn't it. But I think the father of the prodigal son provides a better model to use. You don't need to slaughter the fatted calf and invite all your friends, but if you want him to come back and stay you really have to act like it. He already has a tendency to run, if coming to you results in punishment it's just going to feed that tendency.

I think that hug will establish the environment for you two to start to talk. I would discourage turning it into an interogation. I suspect you are going to more hear a confession.

Have arrangements made so you don't need to give attention to your daughter, I know that sounds a little cruel to the girl but the thing she really needs right now is for you and your husband to get solid. We really don't know for sure what you are going to find out and I really don't think commanding him to get in there and hug her or anything is the thing to do. Actually, if he is there and hugs her and such and then he isn't there again the next day, I just think it will further confuse her and make her insecure. I wouldn't want him to spend time with her and have that become a detour to stop the two of you from working this out. He already has a tendency to avoid things. If your daughter is up and wants to be with him it's going to be real easy to have this visit turn into just a social visit and not accomplish anything.

I would encourage you to make arrangements so that you can give all your attention to him. No interuptions or duties. I've tried to think of a semi-public place to meet. One that's private, but not secluded, but I can't think of any good places for this. I was mostly thinking from the standpoint of a place that wouldn't provide distractions.

Marv

 

[Southern Cross]

FWIW, as the "messed up spouse", I think this is the wrong approach - I know that I wouldn't have taken it well. I can't tell you if that would have been good, and I can't tell you if it's the right thing for you and him, but animosity and "making him sweat a little" sounds like vengeance and control.

Theres no animosity here. Well, lets see. He has walked out on his wife and kid. There is no explanation as to what's been going down while he's been away. He's feeling pressure from friends and family to come back. Unless the guy has some boundaries set for him, he's going to feel like he can do it again. Regardless if you feel that you would not have reacted well to having such a boundary set, I betchya it would make you think twice about what you've done and understand that some people won't put up with stuff like this in their marriages.

It's probably personal preference. I'd want to know who my spouse was with, what they were doing, and where they stayed AND want an explanation of why they left before I permitted them to come back into the house. Doesn't need to be perfect, but it's a start. Let them feel a little insecure. If that's the worst they'll face for such behavior, so be it.

A park would be a great place to meet if you need something private.

 

[tryingtobe]

Thank you all for your adice. I think it would be best if he came home after my daughter is in bed would be best. I agree that it may upset her worse to see him and then have him go away again. I'm nervous about myself dealing with that. He gets distant when I get emotional and I am very emotional so I'm worried that I may push him away during our conversation. It's killing me that I don't know where he is or who he is staying with but he dosen't want to answer which only makes me suspicious.
Yesterday at church the pastor gave an absolutely moving sermon which applied to my situation. I talked with one of the ministers afterward and I realized that I won't know what I want from him until I actually talk to him. The chances of us repairing our marriage will greatly improve if he is honest and opens up about what he has been doing over the past couple of weeks, but I don't think I will push him to answer. I don't know if this is going to result in us getting back together or splitting for good. I don't want to split but I have to be honest with myself and that may be something he wants. I'm just really nervous and scared.

 

[lady4theallmighty]

tryingtobe how did this go and how is everything for you and DH?

Praying for you,
Sheryl