unsure if i have OCD, but my life is ruined anyway

[knw1991]

im struggling. i was diagnosed with OCD, but im not sure if i have it. i still question if im saved because I cant hear from God, i dont experience conviction from the Holy Spirrit, i dont believe ive grown spirtually, no fruit of the Spirit etc. Also i know obsessions are unwanted intrisvie thoughts, but i believe that i make myself question "am i really saved". if i hear something in a serom, or if someone talks about how God is doing something in their life or speaking to them, or if someone says "if youre a bliever", or "if the Holy Spirit indwells you", it just makes me scared, and i start wondering am i saved. i feel like the question "am i saved" is not intrusive, because i think it, its just in response to something that makes me afraid or anxious.
to deal with the question am i saved, i have prayed many times. i would pray saying "God will you please convict me of my sin, show me im a sinner and that i need Christ to save me, and give me a saving faith?' i struggle to trust in Christ to save me. how do i trust? how do i rely on him to save me?? everytime i try to trust i feel like im tryign to produce something in my head and not my heart. the bible says to beleive with your heart,, but how? how do you get it from your thought process to your heart?


Also ive been reading on this thread and many people say that they had OCD as a child, or they OCD about nonreligious things, and then when they got saved, it targeted their faith in a certain way. but for me,ive never had OCD as a child and didnt have it about non-religious things, like contamination, symmetry, etc. its like i i just started really being concerned that i was saved once, I rtried to accept Christ. at the time, i was around a very legalistic frined, from the church of christ, who9 beieed that we should only read the new testament, and we needed to be baptized to be saved, and she believed that other denominations would go to hell because they were not following the bible exactly as it was. she didnt beleive in musical instruments because the new testament never mentioned, using instruments to praise and worship GOD, it only said sing songs and hymns in your heart. all of this scared me, even though i argued and debated with her, i dindt know the word of God well, so i was scared that what if she was right. i wou;d pray and plead with God to show me the truth and that I wanted to be right with Him.

i would hear the gospel on TV, and ask for Christ to come into my heart.i feel that after hearing Billy Graham, i really understood the gospel better, and i asked Jesus to save me. i was very legalistic still, trying to be good. i do believe i did have some intrusive thoughts about God that i cant even make into a statement all i know is they were disrespectful and embarrassing and I kept asking for God to forgive me. Then June 2011, that same year, i started to doubt God's existence out of nowhere and question if Jesus died on the cross. It was distrubing anf it depressed me. i thought i would not be able to be saved. i was physically and emotionally drained. i remember waiting for my mom to leave the house, then i fell on my knees and cried out to God, to take thedoubts away. they went away,but soon I started doubting if i was saved. i would analyze my behavior, thoughts, i was afraid to share the gospel with people, i never felt God, etc. allof this fueled my doubts that i was saved. eventually i fell into a depression. i walked away from God and tred to get into an online relationship because i wanted love because i felt God didnt love me. that didnt work outa at alll. over time my family tried to help but they had no clue what i was going through.

i thought my probelm was depression, and i was depressed about my dad, being single, feeling abandoned by God mostly. I felt like God didnt want me. i was struggling to find peace in a relationship with HIm after all i was dealing with in my faith. maybe this is not for me. maybe im not meant for a relationship with God,Jesus, and Holy Spirit. my family started getting impatient and said cruel things to me, like get over it, its not that serious, etc. i would only tell them about the things like my dad not being there,his addiction, etc, but i never told them about God. my stepfather's son moved in with us and i thought i could trust him because he was a believer. but he had already been told by his stepsister (because the stepfather had told her i was crazy), so his son came there trying to figure things out, assuming that i had been hurt in a relationship (they are so stupid, and had malacious intent anyway and probably wanted that to be true). i trusted him because intially he tried to be there for me. but then my sister started questioning him about if he liked me in a relationship way. he obviously did because he kept coming back and questioning me about if i liked him. i kept saying no. then one night while i was lying in my bed, he came in giving some speech about the situation and then he touched my butt. i jumped up and told my mom. she confronted him. she had to hold him back because he tried to fight me and was calling me a liar. another time we got into a fight and i slipped on spilled liquid and fell and injured my teeth. my mom told my sister about it, basically talking behind my back. this all has strained the way i see my mom, i dont trust her. i love her, but i will never feel the same way about her as i once thought i could. she is weak, she doesnt stand up for whats right.
i hate my life. i want to give up. God allowed all of this. knwing that i may havehad OCD i couldnt them. i had to deal with stepfather calling me crazy, talking behind my back. wheni think of all the agony i went through and how they treated me, i wonder why am i still living here with my mom and stepdad. these are scars that have not healed. it would make snese that its OCD.but what if its not. if its not im not saved and the doubts are real reason for doubt. what if i have ocd but im still not saved. i cant understand this. im cursed. there is no good that could truly come from this. i will never get married and have kids because God would never let someone like me, with possible OCD get married to one of his saved sons. why do i even try? i think God may have spoken to me on June 11 of this year but im starting to think it was just me gnerating the thoughts. i think he said "your pain is my pain. you are my daughter i love you so much, dont run away from me, rest in me everything will be ok".
but i think i may have made this up myself because i was very emotionally distraight and desperate for relief.

im cursed.all i know is there is no hope for me. there is no future for me. my life will remain this way. how could i work in mental health as a provider and im so messed up. its just a dream but i desire to help those suffering with mental illness because sadly they dont get support like other with physical illnesses. no one or very few have compassion for them. and i witnessed this by so called family. no matter how much i laugh and talk with my mom and sister, our bond will nver be the same after how they treated me. that trust is gone. if the knew all of this they would be sorry.but you cant expect nonbelievers to understand what its like to intensely doubt if youre saved. even christians go through that but not to the extent of possible ocd sufferers.
i just asked a friend how to grow spirutuallu and how does the bible change you? she said that as pray before and after reading the Word, God's Spirit will reveal things to you you wouldnt have understood on yo0ur own, it will change your desires and your view on the world.

^^^^this is something only a true believer can do. it will never happen for me. hearing things like what she said only makes me doubt even more that im born again. i dont blame her, shes jsut helping, but i know i never hear from God when i read the bible. im not a true believer. if i dont have OCD, God simply doesnt want me thats why the road has been so hard. if i have OCD, im still screwed. its not even so much the possible OCD that hurts, its the way ive been treated and what God has allowed. i cant heal from this. i have no hope, and no future. do i even have OCD?

ive had a horribel year,i graduated from PA school 8/2017, unemployed for more than a eyar,all classmates have jobs, cousin who is mentally challenged diagnosed with stage 4 endometrial cancer. im trying to be there for her. its been too much. i believe im cursed for real

 

[Southernscotty]

Friend God does want you, Believe me :] and the fact that you are convicted here shows the sanctification happening in your life.
You, Like me; expect things in "our" time and yet God's timetable doesn't work that way.
OCD is mind altering and it is so hard because the mind does overwork and over ponder things.
I will attach something here from got questions. Org and it is good info. Also I am praying for you my friend
Question: "How should a Christian view Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)?"

Answer: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) was formerly classified as an anxiety disorder but is now categorized separately by the American Psychological Association. OCD is characterized by obsessive thoughts that lead to compulsive behaviors. The thoughts are invasive and feel uncontrollable. Furthermore, the thoughts are anxiety-provoking, compelling the person to carry out certain behaviors to temporarily relieve the anxiety. Both the thoughts and compulsive routines interfere with daily life to varying degrees. Researchers have not found a cause for OCD, but they have identified parts of the brain that seem to be involved.

In popular culture, we sometimes use “OCD” to describe people with an A-type personality or who may have excessive worry. But it is important to distinguish true Obsessive Compulsive Disorder from a heightened affinity for organization or cleanliness and from chronic worry. OCD is a real mental illness and is most often helped through specific forms of therapy and medication. That being said, it is important for those suffering from OCD to look at what the Bible says about anxiety and the trustworthiness of God.

The root of OCD, or OCD-like behavior in those not actually suffering with the illness, is anxiety. While OCD is not mentioned by name in Scripture, the word worry occurs 36 times (NLT). The consistent warning is not to worry. Worry is sin because it ignores the power of prayer and obstructs faith (Philippians 4:6). Those who have never trusted Jesus as their Savior are slaves to sin such as worry and cannot free themselves (Romans 6:17–22). Believers who struggle with chronic worry have yet to understand their freedom in Jesus to have victory over sin (Ephesians 6:10–18). Once we have received Jesus as our Savior, we are a new creation in Christ. Christians must walk in the Spirit in order to put off their earthly nature and begin to think and act like Jesus (Colossians 3:1–10). This is also called having the mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:15–16). With the mind of Christ, we can set our minds on things above (2 Corinthians 10:5; Colossians 3:1–3; Philippians 4:8). More importantly, as we grow in Christ, we begin to understand God’s sovereignty and His character. We come to trust Him more fully and can therefore give up our worries.

Those suffering with OCD can be greatly helped by recalling the truth of Scripture. When confronted with an invasive thought, they can combat it with truth. A firm foundation in God’s Word will prove a reliable base from which to evaluate thoughts and compulsions. Sufferers can also be helped by therapeutic protocols designed specifically for OCD, through counseling and the use of pharmaceuticals. There is much hope for those suffering with OCD. Often, it is a combination of personal Bible study, medication, and discipling with a biblical counselor that leads to freedom. Regardless of their troubling symptoms, those with OCD can rest in the love of God and rely on the power of the Holy Spirit to give them grace to walk the path before them (2 Corinthians 12:8–10).

 

[paul becke]

'but how? how do you get it from your thought process to your heart?'

'Oh Lord. I believe. Do thou succour my unbelief.'

By the 'heart' is meant the 'will', together with the memory and understanding, one of the three faculties of the soul. If you want to believe, you already do. Only God can have put that desire in your heart. Even if it seems to you have merely a craven fear, prompted by your head. It would certainly not be a source of anguish to you, unless the desire to be right with God had initially been placed in your heart in the early days.

Indeed, there are plenty of miracles reported on the Internet, today. The Shroud of Turin ought to 'knock anyone's sock's off.' The fact is, almost everyone, perhaps even everyone, knows in their heart that deism, at the very least, is incontrovertible; and anyone with the least knowledge of quantum physics should likewise be fully persuaded by deism : believe in a personal God, (not to say, even Christianity, specifically !)

But when God doesn't follow our agenda, we react somewhat like Miss Haversham in Dickens' novel, Great Expectations, and tell God in no uncertain terms that we don't believe in Him. 'So there !' Until, later in life, we wise up. No-one is more angrily critical of God than atheists, a truth readily verifiable on the Net. They really, really believe in Him.

When a little more mature, what will turn atheists off the truth they secretly know, is their reluctance to have to submit to the demands made by a mainstream religious faith, most notably by far, in terms of chastity - which nevertheless, without some kind of religious rationale, would not, indeed, make sense. Unfortunately, from what I have read online, particularly in the US, that would make many atheists, and certainly agnostics, more honest than many churchgoers. Not that they would not be hypocrites in their own, perhaps less culpable ways, although only Christ would have been pure truth. If you ever find a church without a hypocrite, whatever you do, don't join it, as you will surely spoil it.

By the way, although committed to prayer and devout life, I couldn't get much out of reading the Bible, until I read a book called Christ in his Mysteries by the Abbot Marmion, in which he seeks to redress the balance that the church has tilted, so that as we read, we remember that Jesus was fully human, as well as fully divine: he got tired and sat down when talking to the Samaritan woman at the well, etc.

He got very tetchy with Philip and Thomas because they hadn't grasped the supreme paradox of the Holy Trinity - as if being with Jesus for any length of time would make it clear to them that he and the Father were one ! He couldn't grasp that, as the Second Adam, he was so much more apt at understanding the deep mysteries of the pre-Gospel faith than they were ! Yet even this limitation on his understanding must have been a deliberate, divine choice

And, in any case, faith as mere 'belief', as mere 'credence' is no great thing to get in a state about. As James tells us in an Epistle, even the devils believe, and they tremble. Today, more than ever, Christian faith implies a commitment, belief proved by actions. Your very anguish is a form of commitment. Just remember that quote I referred to above, asking Jesus to help strengthen his belief. With all the evidence we have today, it's more a matter of common sense even than belief. He only ever seemed to let his divinity shine through with the most spectacular miracles for our sakes.

 

[knw1991]

thank your responses. what is the purpose for God allowing OCD if he knows it will affect a persons abiility to have a relatiosnhip with him and cause them so much pain? i cant ever see myself healing from this? and how can God test the faith of someone who has OCD? Tests require faith but OCD affects ability to trust. im wondering the purpose for unemployment for over a year

 

[BlessedVegan]

God doesn’t cause OCD. He created the world and created our bodies to be wonderfully autonomous in their function..the fact that our heart and lungs work without conscious thought is amazing. But because our bodies are capable of running themselves, things get messed up sometimes. Your brain chemistry is abnormal, that is why you have OCD, not because God struck you down with this. Have you considered therapy and/or medication? I am not saying this as a Biblical scholar, my knowledge of the Bible is limited. I’m saying this as a medical professional. In the midst of a crisis it’s hard to see to the outside, to see that life could ever be better. Even if you don’t want long term medication, it could be a short term solution until you learn to deal with these invasive thoughts. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m sure better people than me can give you spiritual council, but I just wanted to say you are not alone, and there is help out there.

 

[Jeshu]

All of this changes when you believe what it says in the Word of God dear sister. It is written that everyone who calls on The Name of The Lord will be saved. Now you have called many times upon the name of the Lord so in truth you are saved already.

However doubt , distrust and unbelief are realities within you which are not saved yet, there you have to still repent. See doubting people or yourself is fine, but doubting God is lethally dangerous as you have found out for it makes your life miserable and it hinders your fight against sin and healthy spiritual growth.

Now try to have faith in God's Word, if only for a little time. For you called on His name and are therefore saved according to the bible and see how you feel when you do that. Also look how you feel when you don't believe that. (This is the key to growing in Christ.)

You will see that if you have faith in God's word then trust begins to grow and joy begins to come alive. However when you doubt God's truth then misery will come your way again.

So all you have to do is call on the name of The Lord and learn to trust Him at His Word. Then you will look at Jesus and rejoice His love and goodness. If you look at yourself to save you however then misery will begin to knock back on your door again. So when doubt, distrust, or unbelief come and attack you then quickly look at Christ and repent of such thoughts and feelings until faith grows and you break free from your predicament.

God bless you finding Him in your life.

Acts 2:21 "And everyone who calls
on the name of the Lord will be saved.'"

 

[Mari17]

All of this changes when you believe what it says in the Word of God dear sister. It is written that everyone who calls on The Name of The Lord will be saved. Now you have called many times upon the name of the Lord so in truth you are saved already.

However doubt , distrust and unbelief are realities within you which are not saved yet, there you have to still repent. See doubting people or yourself is fine, but doubting God is lethally dangerous as you have found out for it makes your life miserable and it hinders your fight against sin and healthy spiritual growth.

Now try to have faith in God's Word, if only for a little time. For you called on His name and are therefore saved according to the bible and see how you feel when you do that. Also look how you feel when you don't believe that. (This is the key to growing in Christ.)

You will see that if you have faith in God's word then trust begins to grow and joy begins to come alive. However when you doubt God's truth then misery will come your way again.

So all you have to do is call on the name of The Lord and learn to trust Him at His Word. Then you will look at Jesus and rejoice His love and goodness. If you look at yourself to save you however then misery will begin to knock back on your door again. So when doubt, distrust, or unbelief come and attack you then quickly look at Christ and repent of such thoughts and feelings until faith grows and you break free from your predicament.

God bless you finding Him in your life.

Acts 2:21 "And everyone who calls
on the name of the Lord will be saved.'"

For the person with OCD, doubt is not a sin but just a natural outcome of having too many anxiety-producing chemicals in the brain (this is my own interpretation, not necessarily a scientifically medical one LOL. I'm sure there's a more scientifically accurate way to explain it). Therefore, the person with OCD needs to learn to not freak out about these thoughts, recognizing that the brain is trying to get them upset for no reason. As the person learns to see these doubts and fears as meaningless jabs by their brain to try to provoke them, and as they learn to ignore the thoughts, they start freaking out less and therefore their brains start sending fewer disturbing thoughts. Just wanted to add the OCD sufferer's perspective.

 

[paul becke]

thank your responses. what is the purpose for God allowing OCD if he knows it will affect a persons abiility to have a relatiosnhip with him and cause them so much pain? i cant ever see myself healing from this? and how can God test the faith of someone who has OCD? Tests require faith but OCD affects ability to trust. im wondering the purpose for unemployment for over a year

OCD is a heavy cross I know from my own experience. However, I also know that with trust in God's infinite love for each one of us, come hell or high water, nothing can separate us from it. Moreover, by cultivating a holy resignation and trust in his personal love and care for us, in the teeth of all manner of crosses and trials that come our way, sometimes seemingly from all quarters at the same time, as Job and Jeremiah lamented, we benefit from a short-cut, albeit a painful one, to an unconquerable peace in our hearts and a real awareness of his love, not only for ourselves, but for all his other children in this world of his.

 

[knw1991]

OCD is a heavy cross I know from my own experience. However, I also know that with trust in God's infinite love for each one of us, come hell or high water, nothing can separate us from it. Moreover, by cultivating a holy resignation and trust in his personal love and care for us, in the teeth of all manner of crosses and trials that come our way, sometimes seemingly from all quarters at the same time, as Job and Jeremiah lamented, we benefit from a short-cut, albeit a painful one, to an unconquerable peace in our hearts and a real awareness of his love, not only for ourselves, but for all his other children in this world of his.

Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate them. Paul becke I wanted to further ask how do you trust God when you have salvation doubts and there seems to be reason to doubt you're saved like:i don't feel convicted by the Holy Spirit, don't experience God presence or feel it, don't really hear from him, don't hear him when I read the bible, struggle with same sins, struggle to forgive etc, doubt a lot, anger with God about pain he allowed

I know that if you sincerely believe in Christ to save you it's enough but o question if I have saving faith, I question am I believing in the right way with my heart not my head. Whenever I hear a sermon on salvation or if a person says "if youre a believer "I feel the urge to ask to be saved. But what if my asking isn't enough?
You all may have already answered this but can God bring any good out of OCD because I feel cursed really. Like nothing good can ever happen to me because I've been dealing with OCD and so many other issues

 

[Jeshu]

You all may have already answered this but can God bring any good out of OCD because I feel cursed really. Like nothing good can ever happen to me because I've been dealing with OCD and so many other issues

i know so well what you are saying and feeling here. For years i struggled rock bottom wondering why God allowed all the bad things to happen in my life. i got a severe mental illness and P.T.S.D from a vicious assault when i was just a kid. i raged at people in my raging hate, and at myself and also at God. There was a time i hated Him even. i was suicidal then.

Still when Jesus was revealed in my life everything changed. Sure i raged at Him at first, but He showed me how He is innocent of any wrong and how He can make good come out of gone wrong. He put my world upside down.

You know what He showed me? He showed me how i had been building my life with the negativities of my feeling and thinking world for years and harvested only more misery.

He asked what good did your anger, hate, doubt, guilt, shame, sadness and fear bring but ever increasing misery?

He showed me how to build with the good things the Gospels talk about and to resist the bad things my depression brought about and how that is how our lives can be turned around.

The first lesson i had to learn was to understand that God's Word is true but my depressed feelings are not true but lie about God, other and myself all the time. So i began to reject my doubt, my anger, my hate, my guilt, my shame, my unbelief and my fears, i knew i could experience such times but choose not to believe what i was feeling and thinking but using God's Word as my weapon to defeat the forces of darkness and learning to put my trust in Him.

i decided to put my faith in God's love - Jesus Christ - and He His goodwill towards us hurting life down here. It sure paid off! After less than 4 years i climbed out of my pit and it took me about 7 years to master my depression and learn to stay on top of it.

Sure Jesus did not physically heal me, though i'm doing much better than i have done for years, but i still get depressive times and i still battle the negativities daily. Yet what i change around in my faith? unbelievable!

i found saving grace, undoubted faith, love instead of hate, and grace to cover my sins. i found eternal life in Jesus.

So please consider this? Jesus turns everything upside down when He comes. As a mentally ill person we count rock bottom here on this earth, but with Him this is not so. He is close to the broken hearted and a refuge for those who are hurting. Psalms 34

The trick when suffering is bad? To look at Jesus and not at ourselves. A love that lays His life down for us is the love you want and need to survive bad life down here. i highly recommend Him rebuilding your psyche. He can make good life come out of bad life. He can turn things around for you.

If you lack faith ask God for a little and then cultivate it and grow more. Keep asking for faith in His love when you begin to see what His loving truth can do in your life then you will have a much easier time keeping doubt and distrust at bay.

God's loving blessing on your hurting life.

Forsaking The Pit.
As I climb over the rim, I clearly see,
Involuntary I shudder the sight in me,
Down without a bottom the pit below,
Yes this fiery hole within me on show!

Hear voices of darkness pressing hard on must.
Those 'speaking guilt, shame, unbelief, and distrust,
All together pushing, yes, pressing me deep,
Resisting my climb to the top so steep.

See those guilty feelings still tug my feet,
I can feel flames searing, my toes they meet!
Electrifying my soul, no mercy on show.
Why ever did I take this hell-hole in tow?

Above me the Light, Jesus, the Truth so high!
How long before I will meet up with Him in the sky?
He knows I will come after Him without a doubt,
As true nourishing goodness He is all about.

My bloodied fingers scraped by rock,
For how many years did they mock?
Those hard places within my very being,
Those fiery stones of my own seeing!

I climbed after the Light right above me,
The only truth that truly leaves me be,
Never will I stop seeking after The Light.
As Jesus Christ is my very soul's delight!

Soon the 'resting place' of my enemy,
Bottomless pit shall forever be!
For the ones without Love or Grace.
Those who with their lies made this place.

 

[knw1991]

i know so well what you are saying and feeling here. For years i struggled rock bottom wondering why God allowed all the bad things to happen in my life. i got a severe mental illness and P.T.S.D from a vicious assault when i was just a kid. i raged at people in my raging hate, and at myself and also at God. There was a time i hated Him even. i was suicidal then.

Still when Jesus was revealed in my life everything changed. Sure i raged at Him at first, but He showed me how He is innocent of any wrong and how He can make good come out of gone wrong. He put my world upside down.

You know what He showed me? He showed me how i had been building my life with the negativities of my feeling and thinking world for years and harvested only more misery.

He asked what good did your anger, hate, doubt, guilt, shame, sadness and fear bring but ever increasing misery?

He showed me how to build with the good things the Gospels talk about and to resist the bad things my depression brought about and how that is how our lives can be turned around.

The first lesson i had to learn was to understand that God's Word is true but my depressed feelings are not true but lie about God, other and myself all the time. So i began to reject my doubt, my anger, my hate, my guilt, my shame, my unbelief and my fears, i knew i could experience such times but choose not to believe what i was feeling and thinking but using God's Word as my weapon to defeat the forces of darkness and learning to put my trust in Him.

i decided to put my faith in God's love - Jesus Christ - and He His goodwill towards us hurting life down here. It sure paid off! After less than 4 years i climbed out of my pit and it took me about 7 years to master my depression and learn to stay on top of it.

Sure Jesus did not physically heal me, though i'm doing much better than i have done for years, but i still get depressive times and i still battle the negativities daily. Yet what i change around in my faith? unbelievable!

i found saving grace, undoubted faith, love instead of hate, and grace to cover my sins. i found eternal life in Jesus.

So please consider this? Jesus turns everything upside down when He comes. As a mentally ill person we count rock bottom here on this earth, but with Him this is not so. He is close to the broken hearted and a refuge for those who are hurting. Psalms 34

The trick when suffering is bad? To look at Jesus and not at ourselves. A love that lays His life down for us is the love you want and need to survive bad life down here. i highly recommend Him rebuilding your psyche. He can make good life come out of bad life. He can turn things around for you.

If you lack faith ask God for a little and then cultivate it and grow more. Keep asking for faith in His love when you begin to see what His loving truth can do in your life then you will have a much easier time keeping doubt and distrust at bay.

God's loving blessing on your hurting life.

Forsaking The Pit.
As I climb over the rim, I clearly see,
Involuntary I shudder the sight in me,
Down without a bottom the pit below,
Yes this fiery hole within me on show!

Hear voices of darkness pressing hard on must.
Those 'speaking guilt, shame, unbelief, and distrust,
All together pushing, yes, pressing me deep,
Resisting my climb to the top so steep.

See those guilty feelings still tug my feet,
I can feel flames searing, my toes they meet!
Electrifying my soul, no mercy on show.
Why ever did I take this hell-hole in tow?

Above me the Light, Jesus, the Truth so high!
How long before I will meet up with Him in the sky?
He knows I will come after Him without a doubt,
As true nourishing goodness He is all about.

My bloodied fingers scraped by rock,
For how many years did they mock?
Those hard places within my very being,
Those fiery stones of my own seeing!

I climbed after the Light right above me,
The only truth that truly leaves me be,
Never will I stop seeking after The Light.
As Jesus Christ is my very soul's delight!

Soon the 'resting place' of my enemy,
Bottomless pit shall forever be!
For the ones without Love or Grace.
Those who with their lies made this place.

Thank you Jeshu for sharing your story. I just don't have faith. I can't see past this. It's like I'm alone. I am alone. It doesn't matter how much it hurts God doesn't help, he just doesn't help. I cant do this and that's all I can say. I'm tired.

 

[paul becke]

Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate them. Paul becke I wanted to further ask how do you trust God when you have salvation doubts and there seems to be reason to doubt you're saved like:i don't feel convicted by the Holy Spirit, don't experience God presence or feel it, don't really hear from him, don't hear him when I read the bible, struggle with same sins, struggle to forgive etc, doubt a lot, anger with God about pain he allowed

I know that if you sincerely believe in Christ to save you it's enough but o question if I have saving faith, I question am I believing in the right way with my heart not my head. Whenever I hear a sermon on salvation or if a person says "if youre a believer "I feel the urge to ask to be saved. But what if my asking isn't enough?
You all may have already answered this but can God bring any good out of OCD because I feel cursed really. Like nothing good can ever happen to me because I've been dealing with OCD and so many other issues

'But what if my asking isn't enough?' That is just self-indulgence. what's more, you are implying that Jesus' death on the cross was not a sufficient expression of love to forgive the sins of all mankind. Well, you're making up your own religion.

Trusting in God's loving providence over you, knw, even in the teeth of multiple simultaneous heavy trials - particularly then - will see you make greater progress in your spiritual life than prayers and even almsgiving (no-one is ever so poor that they cannot give anything), although, of course, far from being mutually exclusive, they are mutually supportive. And there will come a time when God will make his presence felt by you in different ways, in terms of an unshakeable peace in your heart, even when you're feeling 'down'. In the meantime, cheer yourself up by watching the better personal accounts of near-death experiences on YouTube.

These seem to be the 'end times', so many people suffering now will surely be consoled and strengthened. You're not a Catholic, but if I were you, I wouldn't let that stop you praying this Litany of the Divine Mercy (St Faustina, clearly knew the meaning of anguish, as well as God's mercy) :

EWTN - Litanies

Also, look up YouTube clips concerning the Shroud of Turin.

 

[Jeshu]

Thank you Jeshu for sharing your story. I just don't have faith. I can't see past this. It's like I'm alone. I am alone. It doesn't matter how much it hurts God doesn't help, he just doesn't help. I cant do this and that's all I can say. I'm tired.

Is it that you have no faith or little/small faith? When i was at my worst i had very little faith, i sometimes made a few minutes but that was usually all. For a few minutes i would have faith in God and then i noticed that i felt a little better before i slumped back into my pit. In truth it is about asking God for faith, for faith is a gift, and then cultivating more faith by using it actively, even if only for seconds. If you sow faith you will reap belief in the long run.

i know you feel miserable without faith - why do you think this is? Why do you think you desire to be saved? Why do you think you are still pursuing the Lord after all these years? i reckon because God is calling you. He has been calling you for years.

You are His daughter and He wants you to be with Him. Now in Jesus He has made everything ready for you to believe in Him.

Please stop looking at you and at your doubt and distrust, if you must doubt or distrust then doubt doubt and doubt distrust for they have been lying about God to you all these years. Let go of your old hurting life and find a new life in Christ dear, you be so glad to find Him.

Peace.

Unbelief.

Your voice turned me utterly insane,
believing your suggestions
thinking there is no God.
For you betrayed my Good Life,
pushing me into that bottomless pit,
into fiery Hell for years on end.

Flying right through my reality,
your miserable voice dividing
myself against myself,
your taunts attacking faithful self,
hopelessness cutting me up,
your lies barring access to true Life!

No faith feeding my starving soul,
instead doubt, confusion and terror,
false evidence locking my hopes away,
devoid from true self or any good thing,
torturing me in those dark dungeons,
you only ever set out to murder me!

 

[Mari17]

Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate them. Paul becke I wanted to further ask how do you trust God when you have salvation doubts and there seems to be reason to doubt you're saved like:i don't feel convicted by the Holy Spirit, don't experience God presence or feel it, don't really hear from him, don't hear him when I read the bible, struggle with same sins, struggle to forgive etc, doubt a lot, anger with God about pain he allowed

I know that if you sincerely believe in Christ to save you it's enough but o question if I have saving faith, I question am I believing in the right way with my heart not my head. Whenever I hear a sermon on salvation or if a person says "if youre a believer "I feel the urge to ask to be saved. But what if my asking isn't enough?
You all may have already answered this but can God bring any good out of OCD because I feel cursed really. Like nothing good can ever happen to me because I've been dealing with OCD and so many other issues

From an OCD sufferer's point of view, I would say that you basically have to decide that you are CHOOSING to be a Christian, no matter how you feel, and then just act as if you are, whether you feel you are or not. OCD will keep bringing up "arguments" about why you aren't saved, and make you feel that you aren't, because that's it's job - to make you afraid and unhappy, and to tell you whatever will bother you most. But you have to learn to ignore that. It's just thoughts dredged up by the obsessive part of your brain because it KNOWS those thoughts make you freak out and it wants to make you freak out. Learning to ignore them is the trick. It doesn't matter whether or not you "feel" saved, because you've asked to be saved and that's the choice you've made. So you just keep moving forward, growing in your relationship with God in little steps by doing the things you can (such as talking to Him), but giving yourself a break from feeling like you have to feel a certain way or be doing certain behaviors just right. So basically, your job is simple: follow God. Don't be distracted by the thoughts that tell you that you aren't a follower of God. When they come up, just tell them, "Cool. Whatever you're telling me doesn't matter, because even if I don't feel like I'm a Christian, I'm still choosing to be one." Then let your brain scream at you as it may. It can make you feel as bad as it wants, but it doesn't change the fact that you ARE a Christian (whether or not you feel like one). And as you persist in ignoring these thoughts, day after day, gradually they will subside and more normal feelings will return to you.

 

[paul becke]

From an OCD sufferer's point of view, I would say that you basically have to decide that you are CHOOSING to be a Christian, no matter how you feel, and then just act as if you are, whether you feel you are or not. OCD will keep bringing up "arguments" about why you aren't saved, and make you feel that you aren't, because that's it's job - to make you afraid and unhappy, and to tell you whatever will bother you most. But you have to learn to ignore that. It's just thoughts dredged up by the obsessive part of your brain because it KNOWS those thoughts make you freak out and it wants to make you freak out. Learning to ignore them is the trick. It doesn't matter whether or not you "feel" saved, because you've asked to be saved and that's the choice you've made. So you just keep moving forward, growing in your relationship with God in little steps by doing the things you can (such as talking to Him), but giving yourself a break from feeling like you have to feel a certain way or be doing certain behaviors just right. So basically, your job is simple: follow God. Don't be distracted by the thoughts that tell you that you aren't a follower of God. When they come up, just tell them, "Cool. Whatever you're telling me doesn't matter, because even if I don't feel like I'm a Christian, I'm still choosing to be one." Then let your brain scream at you as it may. It can make you feel as bad as it wants, but it doesn't change the fact that you ARE a Christian (whether or not you feel like one). And as you persist in ignoring these thoughts, day after day, gradually they will subside and more normal feelings will return to you.

What an extraordinarily insightful post, Mari17.

 

[paul becke]

'But what if my asking isn't enough?' That is just self-indulgence. what's more, you are implying that Jesus' death on the cross was not a sufficient expression of love to forgive the sins of all mankind. Well, you're making up your own religion.

Trusting in God's loving providence over you, knw, even in the teeth of multiple simultaneous heavy trials - particularly then - will see you make greater progress in your spiritual life than prayers and even almsgiving (no-one is ever so poor that they cannot give anything), although, of course, far from being mutually exclusive, they are mutually supportive. And there will come a time when God will make his presence felt by you in different ways, in terms of an unshakeable peace in your heart, even when you're feeling 'down'. In the meantime, cheer yourself up by watching the better personal accounts of near-death experiences on YouTube.

These seem to be the 'end times', so many people suffering now will surely be consoled and strengthened. You're not a Catholic, but if I were you, I wouldn't let that stop you praying this Litany of the Divine Mercy (St Faustina, clearly knew the meaning of anguish, as well as God's mercy) :

EWTN - Litanies

Also, look up YouTube clips concerning the Shroud of Turin.

After baptism, knw, our real nature, our true nature, is in Christ, however embryonically, not in obtrusive, alien voices ; in his Mystical Body, the true vine, along with all our blessed brothers and sisters - with Christ at our head.

Not even God can ask more of us than our best, and He knows what poor clay we are made of. Indeed, as I see it, there is even something a little beautiful about our being rather hapless wee losers, over against his own all-loving perfection. We learn not to rely on ourselves.

One of the main purposes of prayer, itself, is to help us to maintain this loving filial bond with him, through thick and thin. After all, He knows what we need, before we ask Him. And the prayers of praise, glorification, thanksgiving, etc, are one of the chief and as regards the Psalms in particular, most beautiful ways in which we can express our love for Him.