Underlying fears

[Ladyb4him]

This year has been especially difficult...and I don't know why...
From since i can remember, I was sexually abused by 2 different people in my life...up untill I was about 10, and raped once when i was 8.

I can't get close to a guy, I don't have any male friends, except for one who is more like my brother, but even that is not a relationship I would consider close. Thats a relationship where I wouldn't get tensed when he hugged me, I guess one can say he is the one guy I can trust not to hurt me.

I can't be alone in a room with anyone, male or female, without being uncomfertable and tensed.

What particulary concerns me is that I can't see myself with a guy, (not saying i am lesbian) but in a relationship, because I would be uncomfetable most of the time... i mean i can barely even talk to a guy without being nervous...which for most guys around here mean take as being flirty, and that has led to many unncomfertable and unwanted situations.
I have been in a couple relationships, which all have all lasted in less then a month, because all the guys wanted was sex...I don't mean to give off that type of aura that attracts those kinds of guys to me.

The thing is, I desire so much to be in a relationship, and get married, and have kids!

but i just can't heelp but feel all of this is holding me back...and if i do end up getting married...the whole sex deal is not scary persay, but I just don't believe I will be as in the 'mood' u know? Right now...i have little to none sexual drive. ( i mean i shouldn't have much of one at my age, but i mean hormone wise and such, i don't have) I mean when i think about what sex would be like with my future husband...I am completly like...i can't describe it well in words....but I just see myself just laying there, let him do what he do, and then roll over and go to sleep. With no real pleasure, and it won't be his fault u know? I am completly apathetic to the idea of it.

Bassically, im askin if anyone who has gone thorugh something similar...what were your first steps in getting better? In not being afraid, in being comfertable enough to make a guy your bestfriend, boyfriend, and then lover? I have only been Christian for a couple years....and so how would I start to heal spiritually?
I just don't know where to start...
I don't want to carrie these issues into adulthood u know?

**posted this in another forum, and they told me this one may be more helpful

 

[tapero]

Hi Ladyb4him,

Welcome to the forums! I'm so sorry for your experience and what you are going through. I just wanted to know if you have started counseling. It sounds like you suffer a lot and need help and a counselor can help you sort through the issues.

It would also be good to find a deaconness, or another female to help you spriritually.

God is present in your life, and will help you deal with things on a daily basis.

It used to be I couldn't have people behind me, but now I can. It took time.

Please write back and I'm glad you shared.

God bless you, I'm praying for you.

Tapero

 

[veganbunny]

I was sexually abused recently, and since then have not been able to kiss my boyfriend, and at first found it hard to trust ANY man, even my dad for a brief period. I still get nervous with people I don't know, but as I blame myself for what happened I feel as though I have to move on.

DO you have therapy to discuss what happened to you? Perhaps that could help?

Getting over this will be a long process, but I belive that you WILL get through this, with the help of God, loved ones, and us.

Sorry i'm no good at advice.

 

[BigToe]

Talking to a counselor (through Church or not) is a helpful suggestion. They can usually help you figure out why you react certain ways or why certain things trigger specific emotions. It can also help to talk to others who have experienced something similar to what you've been through.

As far as not thinking you can handle a relationship but want to be in one, I think that is totally normal. I was raped about four years ago now and I find it difficult to be close to a male, let alone for any amount of time that would be considered a relationship. And that's ok. I think before a relationship could work, you have to take care of yourself. You have to give yourself time to heal and really deal with what you've been through. You may never "get over it", but you can learn how to live with what happened and hopefully one day get to where it doesn't bother you to the degree it does now.

And if you ever need to chat, my PM box is open. Just know you aren't alone.