Someone I follow online recommended sitting down with the Lord and writing to have deep talk with him. I have a blog, but I was actually hoping for something even more private, but also a space where fellow believers could have a place to give feedback.
I have been dealing with being depressed. I've been desiring the Lord to remove it from me. I've fasted a lot this past year+ to achieve more wisdom and knowledge and nearness to God. To have it incorporated in my life to walk in the truth, as He tells us to fast.
Fasting has lead me to be nearer to Him and to sense more sincere love for Him and His people.. But as I draw nearer to people, I learn that they want nothing to do with me. I must be a walking contradiction. I guess I don't really know where I'm at in my walk except "towards him"
He says, take up your cross and follow me. So, here I've been. I haven't been reading the Word as much lately. I believe in order to follow Him, we need to be walking in Spirit and in Truth. The Truth meaning, the Word, the Spirit meaning listening to the sensitive and quiet voice of the Holy Spirit. This isn't something easily achievable unless you're cut to the heart (in my experience and hearing of others testimonies). Grief (loss) of loved ones, loss of what gives you stability. Loss of our assurances, which could be where we live, where we work, who we hang around with, the things we find identity in. For me this was everything. And it really feels like I've given up everything.
But I keep finding more to lay aside. And for the longest time it is my appetite for food, which I have not had control over and it has lead to weight gain, then loss, then gain (all my life), specifically binge eating is my crux. No I didn't just look up names for disorders and write them here, this has been a severe struggle of mine since I was 13 or younger. I've had such difficulty with this. The Lord revealed some wisdom to me on this about it stemming from childhood.
I have an aversion to people (building relationships) and was at one point diagnosed with AVPD - Avoidant Personality Disorder I like to scroll on Facebook or play a game on my phone. I like to listen to sermons and audiobooks from pastors and leaders, but I don't often pick up the bible to glean for myself. I've been often to encumbered by the woe's of life to be fully surrendered, which makes me think of the Sowers parable and the seeds that sprout and grow but remain unfruitful due to the thorns (cares of this life and deceitfulness of riches). I'm in a lot of debt and worry about things constantly. I just hate all of this. I want out...
Fruits of the spirit instead of what I've been struggling with:
Self-control for eating, forbearance/kindness for AVPD, joy and peace for depression.
I don't know how to begin to trade these things to God for the fruits of the spirit, but I desire to.
Maybe I need prayer. I'm working on a long fast. I don't know that there is or ever will be the perfect time to fast (except when the Lord calls us into it). I sensed Him call me into a fast like this several times but I gave into what I wanted several times, leaving me with the knowledge that I have not yet laid down my SELF as Lord. I had not killed 'Self' which is something He delivered me of the last time I fasted.
I hope some of this makes sense and perhaps I can return and expound on this sometime in the future. Thank you for prayers.. <3
I have been dealing with being depressed. I've been desiring the Lord to remove it from me. I've fasted a lot this past year+ to achieve more wisdom and knowledge and nearness to God. To have it incorporated in my life to walk in the truth, as He tells us to fast.
Fasting has lead me to be nearer to Him and to sense more sincere love for Him and His people.. But as I draw nearer to people, I learn that they want nothing to do with me. I must be a walking contradiction. I guess I don't really know where I'm at in my walk except "towards him"
He says, take up your cross and follow me. So, here I've been. I haven't been reading the Word as much lately. I believe in order to follow Him, we need to be walking in Spirit and in Truth. The Truth meaning, the Word, the Spirit meaning listening to the sensitive and quiet voice of the Holy Spirit. This isn't something easily achievable unless you're cut to the heart (in my experience and hearing of others testimonies). Grief (loss) of loved ones, loss of what gives you stability. Loss of our assurances, which could be where we live, where we work, who we hang around with, the things we find identity in. For me this was everything. And it really feels like I've given up everything.
But I keep finding more to lay aside. And for the longest time it is my appetite for food, which I have not had control over and it has lead to weight gain, then loss, then gain (all my life), specifically binge eating is my crux. No I didn't just look up names for disorders and write them here, this has been a severe struggle of mine since I was 13 or younger. I've had such difficulty with this. The Lord revealed some wisdom to me on this about it stemming from childhood.
I have an aversion to people (building relationships) and was at one point diagnosed with AVPD - Avoidant Personality Disorder I like to scroll on Facebook or play a game on my phone. I like to listen to sermons and audiobooks from pastors and leaders, but I don't often pick up the bible to glean for myself. I've been often to encumbered by the woe's of life to be fully surrendered, which makes me think of the Sowers parable and the seeds that sprout and grow but remain unfruitful due to the thorns (cares of this life and deceitfulness of riches). I'm in a lot of debt and worry about things constantly. I just hate all of this. I want out...
Fruits of the spirit instead of what I've been struggling with:
Self-control for eating, forbearance/kindness for AVPD, joy and peace for depression.
I don't know how to begin to trade these things to God for the fruits of the spirit, but I desire to.
Maybe I need prayer. I'm working on a long fast. I don't know that there is or ever will be the perfect time to fast (except when the Lord calls us into it). I sensed Him call me into a fast like this several times but I gave into what I wanted several times, leaving me with the knowledge that I have not yet laid down my SELF as Lord. I had not killed 'Self' which is something He delivered me of the last time I fasted.
I hope some of this makes sense and perhaps I can return and expound on this sometime in the future. Thank you for prayers.. <3
