Dear forum members,
I dare writing you regarding a severe problem that I confront since many years, and I would appreciate enormously any advice and answers. My name is Alex, I am a 27 years old man, and my grief is that I am confronted with the issue of homosexuality. I have never allowed myself to have any homosexual relationship of any type, because I've always considered this way of life as being wrong, especially basing on the fact that I am a practicing Christian. I haven't had a heterosexual physical relationship of any kind either, although now I am married. I am also aware of the issue of not calling oneself a homosexual or gay if one is not actively practicing this lifestyle.
My parents, although not being practicing Christians, have made it clear on different occasions (gay parades or movies) that they are disgusted and against the issue of homosexuality and I've never told them about my own issue of same sex attraction.
I began to be aware of homosexuality around the age of 13, although even before this age I was attracted to the same sex, but without conceptualizing them at a theoretical level. In my family nobody ever discussed any sexual issues of any sort, therefore until I found out what homosexuality was, I didnt even know that my attraction towards the same sex was abnormal in any way.
One of the ways in which I acknowledged that I am different, and also being perceived as different by all others, was when my school colleagues have began drawing my attention, most of the times in a very mocking way that I had a weird and feminine way of walking, that I am talking different than boys and more alike girls, and that my way of gesturing is, again, improper to boys on every aspect. There were other aspects as my lack of interest in sports (by the way I still find football as very boring), or the fact that I was never swearing and other differences, more or less relevant for defining authentic masculinity.
As a possible reason for my homosexuality is never getting close and bonding with my father, an aspect which was true for both me and my older brother who, by the way, is heterosexual. This issue has different causes and though I am convinced that our father loves us very much in his own way, unfortunately he was always a cold, tough, impulsive man, very little able of affective communication. Also, when I was a child, my mother had problems with physical violence outbursts from my father, when he was hitting her, several times while she was holding me in her arms, and after such incidents I was more and more estranged from my father. Although he wasnt violent to me on the whole, still there were a couple of physical (not to mention verbal) violence, and many times I feared my father.
On the other hand, both my brother and, especially, me, had a very close relationship with our mother on every level: communication, closeness, trust, feelings. Being a very loving, warm, mild, meek and conciliatory personality, she gave (and received) me and my brother almost all affection that my father was incapable of giving. We were never able of approaching our father, in fact we never even called him father, but called him on his name only.
Also regarding the possible causes of homosexuality, according to some scientific studies, would be the fact that after six weeks of conception, the male foetus must receive a massive dose of testosterone to form the testicles, penis and other physical male characteristics, and then yet another dose that modifies the brain structure from a feminine (which is the main phase of every foetus) to a masculine one. When the quantity of testosterone is blocked due to various medical reasons like disease etc, then the male foetus will form the testicles and penis, however the part of shifting the brain-pattern into a male one will not be achieved, which will result in effeminate tendencies and predisposition to homosexuality, which will be usually enhanced in the childs life. Also, there are feminine or masculine brain structures and processes (the feminine side related to communication abilities, emotional intelligence, indirect way of tackling things and challenges etc, and the masculine side related to exact sciences abilities, logical intelligence, direct way of acting and talking, spacial orientation etc ). According to the studies, its typical for homosexuals to be inclined a lot towards the feminine way of thinking, behaviour and inclinations, which applies to me (eg: Ive always communicated very well, in school I was talented at the humanistic sciences like languages, and been terrible to maths, Ive never had initiative and was never able to speak in a straight and direct way, was never able to take the lead and I was even always terrible at spacial orientation). Obviously, there are men who are good at communicating and work in human relations or nursing, and women who are good at exact sciences and working as engineers or plane pilots, but they are not defining for the basic patterns which remain true.
Another disturbing fact intersex in humans, that is persons that are born having both masculine and feminine genital organs from their birth how are those supposed to fit into a healthy and biblical plan and pattern of sexual identity? Also, a very disturbing thought is the fact that there are clear studies of hundreds of animal species that have homosexual behaviour from courting, mating, bonding etc (from swans, penguins, vultures, pigeons, and lizards and insects, to lions, elephants, giraffes, monkeys, sheep, hyenas and dolphins).
And as much as the studies would be accused of bias and promoting a gay agenda", we can't always be duplicitous by denying scientific evidence when it contradicts our wishes or convictions, while still accepting science as the viable basis for many relevant areas from technology and medicine to the need of proofs to substantiate opinions or legal trials.
A good part of my grief over this problem of homosexuality was the fact that I never chose it, I never wanted it and still, here I am, condemned and stigmatised to a condition that disqualifies me on the spot in so many people's eyes.
I have loved a man for several years, he was a teacher in University, and, as I was suffering a lot from this, I decided to confess my feelings to him, although I knew that he was definitely heterosexual. He treated the whole issue elegantly, we remained in good relations, although his message was one from the secular position: I should stop fighting against myself and accept myself as I am.
Also during University, I met a girl who, in time, confessed that she loves me from all her heart, and, although I told her the whole truth regarding my issue, despite her enormous discouragement and pain, we both decided not to end our beautiful friendship, which evolved a lot during several years. She never stopped loving me and fighting and hoping that we will remain together. And, as some years of beautiful friendship and closeness have passed, after we graduated, we decided to get married, as we both had deep feelings for each other, we both had faith that God would change me and will bless our decision. My wife loved my soul, personality and body, while I loved only her soul and personality.
We had to realistically discuss all the obstacles put by my problem. I told my future wife that all I can promise is that I will love her, but I cannot guarantee that the physical aspect of our relationship will be solved, and that we have to accept the risk, which she did. We married and, after a good time since our marriage, we tried to consume the "nuptial act" for the first time, which was impossible (being unattracted to the female body, I cannot have an erection long enough for penetration, not to mention a complete intercourse). Till nowadays we tried having sex only 3 times, and it was never possible, considering the fact that, from a physical point of view, the sexual act (and even kissing) is not attractive for me, and in some regards even repulsive. My wife has a strong desire of a normal relationship and she suffers because of the lack of it, and I cannot blame her at all in this regard.
Now, after 3 years of marriage, I still hope that God will change me in this regard, listening to my countless prayers about this, however the chances seem a lot dimmer. I don't even want to write about the many days when I am almost depressed about the inability to change something that for the majority is already inborn and fine. I am not writing about the moments when, while searching the news or anything, I come across an image of a man and I feel suddenly attracted towards him and, no matter how much I try to forget and avoid it, I still find myself drawn to him in the same way as heterosexual people are attracted to the opposite sex.
I'm also wondering if what I feel for my wife is whole love, since I've never felt for her (or for any woman) those violent, ravishing and intoxicating feelings that I felt for men, and no matter how much I try to tell me (in a Christian balanced view, partly true) that love is mainly a decision and it's not only dependent on feelings still, in all history since Solomon's Song of Song onwards, love has been described as ravishing, powerful, intoxicating, bold and extremely strong in feelings, and also involving physical attraction.
My question for you is: What shall I do? What can I do in my situation? Except for prayer which I am doing ever since.
I know that both Scripture and the apostolic tradition of the Church condemn all forms of sexual sin and unfaithfulness. So I know the usual answer "not just active homosexuals sin, but every man and woman having relationships before or outside marriage". However, the main issue is that, as long as they live a chaste love within marriage, heterosexuals can have healthy love relationships, whereas for homosexuals the ONLY option is complete abstinence (whether called for this or not) and continual denial of one's feelings. And regarding possibility of change I've read research from both scientific and Christian backgrounds, I read the posts of an online group for Christians fighting homosexuality, some for decades, and all they achieved was refraining their feelings and exerting emotional control, but rarely having change in their homosexuality.
In the UK, the whole scientific and medical community considers reparative therapy in this regard as ineffective, impossible and unachievable. I would be considered weird, even crazy, for trying to change my homosexuality (only at work , for example, 5 people are gay/lesbians, engaged in the lifestyle and even married), or for seeing it as disordered (as the Church sees it), not to mention Paul's words in Romans 1:26-27 and 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 or, even worse, Moses in Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13. So in this context, what to do, except for prayer which I do since a decade without any real result?
Paul says that "To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion." 1 Corinthians 7:8-9. For a heterosexual man or woman this advice is viable and possible, as they have to choose between abstinence and marriage (sex outside or before marriage being sin). Whereas for me, because of my homosexuality, I cannot actually have physical love, as I cannot do it even if married, therefore from Paul's advice, only complete abstinence remains. And in my case, I do not have this calling to abstinence since trying to achieve it in the last 11 years failed miserably, as I sin by impure thoughts and masturbation which are both harshly condemned by Scripture and Church. So my only remaining biblical option is actually "burning with passion" endlessly.
Paul also advises: "Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." 1 Corinthians 7:5. , so even if temptation can come from abstinence, I am still bound to it as the only possibility, not to mention that because of the sexual urge, I fail even in abstinence, and, no matter how hard I tried to fight masturbation, I fall every several weeks because of the sexual urge, therefore sinning even more. But what other option do I have?
How come that although God says that homosexuality is wrong and sinful, and He still doesn't deliver myself from it? It is so easy for heterosexual persons to speak to me wisely about "everybody having their own struggles and crosses to bear", while them are free to choose either abstinence by remaining single or marriage, than burning with passion as homosexual persons are bound to do. And who can live like this, by ignoring completely any sexual urges for decades?
This only confirms to me the frightening Calvinistic predestination approach that I've always wanted to disagree, that "God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction" Romans 9:22, and "He has mercy on whomever he wills, and he hardens whomever he wills." Romans 9:18, and "And not only so, but also when Rebekah had conceived children by one man, our forefather Isaac, though they were not yet born and had done nothing either good or bad Romans 9:10.
I pray to God to show me the way. I've never liked to bargain with God, and never did this, but in my same-sex-attraction issue I really want to see some changes. I bargained in my prayer recently and asked God to heal me if He says homosexuality is wrong, I really need the physical, emotional and spiritual means to change. I know that building healthy relationships with people of the same sex is a core issue for healing according to many people, however I really know of nor men that are willing to build friendships that have to do with more than football or going to pubs which, first, are completely unappealing for me and, second, I dont see how they would help me change. Not to mention that my way of being puts men off usually from accepting me.
So my questions is: what should I do (or what would you do), practically, in my situation, except for prayer? I wrote all these in the hope that God might send me any sign or advice through any means that He wishes, and if there is no change, Ill take it as a No from Him regarding myself and my marriage, as without change it would just result in sadness and emotional wounds. I've always tried to run after God, asking a sign of His will for me, and entrusting my whole life in His hands. God bless you for your patience to read this and I would be extremely grateful for any answer or advice.
Respectfully, Alex.
I dare writing you regarding a severe problem that I confront since many years, and I would appreciate enormously any advice and answers. My name is Alex, I am a 27 years old man, and my grief is that I am confronted with the issue of homosexuality. I have never allowed myself to have any homosexual relationship of any type, because I've always considered this way of life as being wrong, especially basing on the fact that I am a practicing Christian. I haven't had a heterosexual physical relationship of any kind either, although now I am married. I am also aware of the issue of not calling oneself a homosexual or gay if one is not actively practicing this lifestyle.
My parents, although not being practicing Christians, have made it clear on different occasions (gay parades or movies) that they are disgusted and against the issue of homosexuality and I've never told them about my own issue of same sex attraction.
I began to be aware of homosexuality around the age of 13, although even before this age I was attracted to the same sex, but without conceptualizing them at a theoretical level. In my family nobody ever discussed any sexual issues of any sort, therefore until I found out what homosexuality was, I didnt even know that my attraction towards the same sex was abnormal in any way.
One of the ways in which I acknowledged that I am different, and also being perceived as different by all others, was when my school colleagues have began drawing my attention, most of the times in a very mocking way that I had a weird and feminine way of walking, that I am talking different than boys and more alike girls, and that my way of gesturing is, again, improper to boys on every aspect. There were other aspects as my lack of interest in sports (by the way I still find football as very boring), or the fact that I was never swearing and other differences, more or less relevant for defining authentic masculinity.
As a possible reason for my homosexuality is never getting close and bonding with my father, an aspect which was true for both me and my older brother who, by the way, is heterosexual. This issue has different causes and though I am convinced that our father loves us very much in his own way, unfortunately he was always a cold, tough, impulsive man, very little able of affective communication. Also, when I was a child, my mother had problems with physical violence outbursts from my father, when he was hitting her, several times while she was holding me in her arms, and after such incidents I was more and more estranged from my father. Although he wasnt violent to me on the whole, still there were a couple of physical (not to mention verbal) violence, and many times I feared my father.
On the other hand, both my brother and, especially, me, had a very close relationship with our mother on every level: communication, closeness, trust, feelings. Being a very loving, warm, mild, meek and conciliatory personality, she gave (and received) me and my brother almost all affection that my father was incapable of giving. We were never able of approaching our father, in fact we never even called him father, but called him on his name only.
Also regarding the possible causes of homosexuality, according to some scientific studies, would be the fact that after six weeks of conception, the male foetus must receive a massive dose of testosterone to form the testicles, penis and other physical male characteristics, and then yet another dose that modifies the brain structure from a feminine (which is the main phase of every foetus) to a masculine one. When the quantity of testosterone is blocked due to various medical reasons like disease etc, then the male foetus will form the testicles and penis, however the part of shifting the brain-pattern into a male one will not be achieved, which will result in effeminate tendencies and predisposition to homosexuality, which will be usually enhanced in the childs life. Also, there are feminine or masculine brain structures and processes (the feminine side related to communication abilities, emotional intelligence, indirect way of tackling things and challenges etc, and the masculine side related to exact sciences abilities, logical intelligence, direct way of acting and talking, spacial orientation etc ). According to the studies, its typical for homosexuals to be inclined a lot towards the feminine way of thinking, behaviour and inclinations, which applies to me (eg: Ive always communicated very well, in school I was talented at the humanistic sciences like languages, and been terrible to maths, Ive never had initiative and was never able to speak in a straight and direct way, was never able to take the lead and I was even always terrible at spacial orientation). Obviously, there are men who are good at communicating and work in human relations or nursing, and women who are good at exact sciences and working as engineers or plane pilots, but they are not defining for the basic patterns which remain true.
Another disturbing fact intersex in humans, that is persons that are born having both masculine and feminine genital organs from their birth how are those supposed to fit into a healthy and biblical plan and pattern of sexual identity? Also, a very disturbing thought is the fact that there are clear studies of hundreds of animal species that have homosexual behaviour from courting, mating, bonding etc (from swans, penguins, vultures, pigeons, and lizards and insects, to lions, elephants, giraffes, monkeys, sheep, hyenas and dolphins).
And as much as the studies would be accused of bias and promoting a gay agenda", we can't always be duplicitous by denying scientific evidence when it contradicts our wishes or convictions, while still accepting science as the viable basis for many relevant areas from technology and medicine to the need of proofs to substantiate opinions or legal trials.
A good part of my grief over this problem of homosexuality was the fact that I never chose it, I never wanted it and still, here I am, condemned and stigmatised to a condition that disqualifies me on the spot in so many people's eyes.
I have loved a man for several years, he was a teacher in University, and, as I was suffering a lot from this, I decided to confess my feelings to him, although I knew that he was definitely heterosexual. He treated the whole issue elegantly, we remained in good relations, although his message was one from the secular position: I should stop fighting against myself and accept myself as I am.
Also during University, I met a girl who, in time, confessed that she loves me from all her heart, and, although I told her the whole truth regarding my issue, despite her enormous discouragement and pain, we both decided not to end our beautiful friendship, which evolved a lot during several years. She never stopped loving me and fighting and hoping that we will remain together. And, as some years of beautiful friendship and closeness have passed, after we graduated, we decided to get married, as we both had deep feelings for each other, we both had faith that God would change me and will bless our decision. My wife loved my soul, personality and body, while I loved only her soul and personality.
We had to realistically discuss all the obstacles put by my problem. I told my future wife that all I can promise is that I will love her, but I cannot guarantee that the physical aspect of our relationship will be solved, and that we have to accept the risk, which she did. We married and, after a good time since our marriage, we tried to consume the "nuptial act" for the first time, which was impossible (being unattracted to the female body, I cannot have an erection long enough for penetration, not to mention a complete intercourse). Till nowadays we tried having sex only 3 times, and it was never possible, considering the fact that, from a physical point of view, the sexual act (and even kissing) is not attractive for me, and in some regards even repulsive. My wife has a strong desire of a normal relationship and she suffers because of the lack of it, and I cannot blame her at all in this regard.
Now, after 3 years of marriage, I still hope that God will change me in this regard, listening to my countless prayers about this, however the chances seem a lot dimmer. I don't even want to write about the many days when I am almost depressed about the inability to change something that for the majority is already inborn and fine. I am not writing about the moments when, while searching the news or anything, I come across an image of a man and I feel suddenly attracted towards him and, no matter how much I try to forget and avoid it, I still find myself drawn to him in the same way as heterosexual people are attracted to the opposite sex.
I'm also wondering if what I feel for my wife is whole love, since I've never felt for her (or for any woman) those violent, ravishing and intoxicating feelings that I felt for men, and no matter how much I try to tell me (in a Christian balanced view, partly true) that love is mainly a decision and it's not only dependent on feelings still, in all history since Solomon's Song of Song onwards, love has been described as ravishing, powerful, intoxicating, bold and extremely strong in feelings, and also involving physical attraction.
My question for you is: What shall I do? What can I do in my situation? Except for prayer which I am doing ever since.
I know that both Scripture and the apostolic tradition of the Church condemn all forms of sexual sin and unfaithfulness. So I know the usual answer "not just active homosexuals sin, but every man and woman having relationships before or outside marriage". However, the main issue is that, as long as they live a chaste love within marriage, heterosexuals can have healthy love relationships, whereas for homosexuals the ONLY option is complete abstinence (whether called for this or not) and continual denial of one's feelings. And regarding possibility of change I've read research from both scientific and Christian backgrounds, I read the posts of an online group for Christians fighting homosexuality, some for decades, and all they achieved was refraining their feelings and exerting emotional control, but rarely having change in their homosexuality.
In the UK, the whole scientific and medical community considers reparative therapy in this regard as ineffective, impossible and unachievable. I would be considered weird, even crazy, for trying to change my homosexuality (only at work , for example, 5 people are gay/lesbians, engaged in the lifestyle and even married), or for seeing it as disordered (as the Church sees it), not to mention Paul's words in Romans 1:26-27 and 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 or, even worse, Moses in Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13. So in this context, what to do, except for prayer which I do since a decade without any real result?
Paul says that "To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion." 1 Corinthians 7:8-9. For a heterosexual man or woman this advice is viable and possible, as they have to choose between abstinence and marriage (sex outside or before marriage being sin). Whereas for me, because of my homosexuality, I cannot actually have physical love, as I cannot do it even if married, therefore from Paul's advice, only complete abstinence remains. And in my case, I do not have this calling to abstinence since trying to achieve it in the last 11 years failed miserably, as I sin by impure thoughts and masturbation which are both harshly condemned by Scripture and Church. So my only remaining biblical option is actually "burning with passion" endlessly.
Paul also advises: "Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." 1 Corinthians 7:5. , so even if temptation can come from abstinence, I am still bound to it as the only possibility, not to mention that because of the sexual urge, I fail even in abstinence, and, no matter how hard I tried to fight masturbation, I fall every several weeks because of the sexual urge, therefore sinning even more. But what other option do I have?
How come that although God says that homosexuality is wrong and sinful, and He still doesn't deliver myself from it? It is so easy for heterosexual persons to speak to me wisely about "everybody having their own struggles and crosses to bear", while them are free to choose either abstinence by remaining single or marriage, than burning with passion as homosexual persons are bound to do. And who can live like this, by ignoring completely any sexual urges for decades?
This only confirms to me the frightening Calvinistic predestination approach that I've always wanted to disagree, that "God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction" Romans 9:22, and "He has mercy on whomever he wills, and he hardens whomever he wills." Romans 9:18, and "And not only so, but also when Rebekah had conceived children by one man, our forefather Isaac, though they were not yet born and had done nothing either good or bad Romans 9:10.
I pray to God to show me the way. I've never liked to bargain with God, and never did this, but in my same-sex-attraction issue I really want to see some changes. I bargained in my prayer recently and asked God to heal me if He says homosexuality is wrong, I really need the physical, emotional and spiritual means to change. I know that building healthy relationships with people of the same sex is a core issue for healing according to many people, however I really know of nor men that are willing to build friendships that have to do with more than football or going to pubs which, first, are completely unappealing for me and, second, I dont see how they would help me change. Not to mention that my way of being puts men off usually from accepting me.
So my questions is: what should I do (or what would you do), practically, in my situation, except for prayer? I wrote all these in the hope that God might send me any sign or advice through any means that He wishes, and if there is no change, Ill take it as a No from Him regarding myself and my marriage, as without change it would just result in sadness and emotional wounds. I've always tried to run after God, asking a sign of His will for me, and entrusting my whole life in His hands. God bless you for your patience to read this and I would be extremely grateful for any answer or advice.
Respectfully, Alex.
