Unappreciative friend

[Chococat]

I am currently rather hurt by an online friend's behaviour. You see I always send her an e-card for her birthday and Christmas and usually don't get as much as a thank you. I even sent her a short music video just because I thought she would like it but again she didn't even say "thanks". What makes it worse is that another online friend helped her compile a you-tube style video for a message board we both post on and so she dedicated the video to this friend as a "thank you" I suspect. It really hurts that she is appreciative of this friend but not me. When we first became friends we used to get on really well and she used to be a real encouragement to me but now I often get the feeling she could not care less if I'm there or not because she now has several other friends who I suspect are "cooler" than me. I don't mind her having other friends of course but I get the feeling that I am not very important to her lately. Yet when I confront her about this she gets all upset and insists I am one of her best friends and then it is me who ends up looking (and feeling) like the villain of the piece. I know if I was to tell her what I am telling you the same thing would happen. I still care for her and want her to be my friend but why does she keep hurting me like this?

 

[UnitynLove]

If she is a true friend then she will be with you not matter what although I think it is rude of her to ignore you and to be unappreciative, tell her how you feel thats the only way. If she refuses to respect your wishes and continues to hurt you then I would suggest you end it or get some new friends.

 

[Onlythingavailable]

When you have several friends you tend to rotate between them, for a while you spend more time with one friend, then more time with another. I don't think this is a conscious process, it's more dependent on life situations. It's just how it works. If you don't have many online friends, I do understand that you feel left out, but I don't think she does this to cause you any harm. Of course, she could be some meanie, but she doesn't sound like it.

The same goes for saying thanks, she might simply forget or maybe she thinks you already know that she is thankful. When you get close as friends you can get less formal and you just know that the other one appreciates you. Maybe this saying thanks wouldn't even be an issue if you didn't feel left out?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think she's abandoning you or that she has any "hostile intentions" towards you. I'd suggest that you look for some other friends to spend time with, while still remaining friends with her. That way your life gets more balanced and you won't be affected by changes in her bevhavior/life as easily.

This is just my opinion though, and the reasons behind her behavior could be something else entirely.

 

[Petunia]

If you let your friend be who she is without expecting more from her.. you wouldn't get hurt.

It's your expectations that are causing you trouble. You can't force her to be someone she's not. Neither can you force her to respond the way you'd like her to. You have to let her be herself and value your friendship the way she sees fit. If that isn't enough for you, then you invest more time in your other friends.

 

[Anti Existance]

Still the problem lies at your side.

You give something with the expectation of getting something back. Jesus warns us in the bible against this.

46If you love only those who love you, what reward will you get? Even the tax collectors do that.

You see the blessing is in the giving, not the receiving.

We live in a world that is filled with darkness and hatred, and if you want to receive back your world will become dark also. We are here simply to give love and bring light.

I want to stimulate to keep on bringing love, and sending nice things but this time without the expectation of receiving things back. It seems like a bottomless pit but we have to keep on shining light, like the sun forever giving knowing that God will aknowledge the good that we did for others.

 

[Akathist]

I am currently rather hurt by an online friend's behaviour. You see I always send her an e-card for her birthday and Christmas and usually don't get as much as a thank you. I even sent her a short music video just because I thought she would like it but again she didn't even say "thanks". What makes it worse is that another online friend helped her compile a you-tube style video for a message board we both post on and so she dedicated the video to this friend as a "thank you" I suspect. It really hurts that she is appreciative of this friend but not me. When we first became friends we used to get on really well and she used to be a real encouragement to me but now I often get the feeling she could not care less if I'm there or not because she now has several other friends who I suspect are "cooler" than me. I don't mind her having other friends of course but I get the feeling that I am not very important to her lately. Yet when I confront her about this she gets all upset and insists I am one of her best friends and then it is me who ends up looking (and feeling) like the villain of the piece. I know if I was to tell her what I am telling you the same thing would happen. I still care for her and want her to be my friend but why does she keep hurting me like this?

It sure does sound like you are hurting a lot here.

I wonder if the wise words of the others here who said that it is you expecting too much or that the person who needs to change is you has also hurt you?

I think that sometimes many of us (myself included) feel very vulnerable and find that we look for validation from others and feel hurt if it is not coming to us.

I wish that I could tell you that this will go away, but to be honest, you might feel hurt like this again even from another person. I wish that I could make it so that you never felt this hurt again.

When I am hurting I try to focus more on prayers. I pray for the person who hurt me and I ask God to forgive them for anything they need to be forgiven for. At the same time I pray that the Lord will give that other person all of the things they need for the benefit of their soul now and in eternity.

When I pray like this I believe it helps the other person but I also find that it helps me. It helps me feel a bit less pain inside. Sometimes I will move from the prayer for the other person and begin to ask God to forgive me and to give me all that is good for my soul. I know when I say this that sometimes what is good for me is like bad tasting medicine. I sometimes need to have a bad thing happen to get me back into praying again and back in touch with what is really important (my faith.)

I think that it might not feel very good to have others tell you to expect less from others or to give without thought of return. But I kind of think those words are good for all of us to be reminded of.

Never forget that eternity is far more important that what happens in our day to day life, but at the same time, we need to use our day to day life and events and choices in it to help us grow to be more like Christ.

 

[FallingWaters]

I am currently rather hurt by an online friend's behaviour. You see I always send her an e-card for her birthday and Christmas and usually don't get as much as a thank you. I even sent her a short music video just because I thought she would like it but again she didn't even say "thanks". What makes it worse is that another online friend helped her compile a you-tube style video for a message board we both post on and so she dedicated the video to this friend as a "thank you" I suspect. It really hurts that she is appreciative of this friend but not me. When we first became friends we used to get on really well and she used to be a real encouragement to me but now I often get the feeling she could not care less if I'm there or not because she now has several other friends who I suspect are "cooler" than me. I don't mind her having other friends of course but I get the feeling that I am not very important to her lately. Yet when I confront her about this she gets all upset and insists I am one of her best friends and then it is me who ends up looking (and feeling) like the villain of the piece. I know if I was to tell her what I am telling you the same thing would happen. I still care for her and want her to be my friend but why does she keep hurting me like this?

I agree with the others who mentioned "expectations".

Most of the wounds in our lives are caused by unspoken expectations- in all relationships.
The more of them you can lay down, the less pain you will suffer.

This friend is probably not a naturally thankful person, and neither has she learned thankfulness up to this point apparently.
I suggest accepting her the way she is.
If you need appreciation, look for other friends.
Some people are just not cut out of that cloth.

Grace and peace to you.

 

[Chococat]

Thanks for the advice everyone and no I was not hurt by any of it. What Xenia says is true I do tend to seek verification from others. I know this friend would not deliberately hurt my feelings but what hurts me is that she never says thanks to me yet she seemed so thankful to that other friend of hers. That's what has really hurt me. Why her and not me?

 

[UnitynLove]

I will pray for new friends for you.

 

[FallingWaters]

... what hurts me is that she never says thanks to me yet she seemed so thankful to that other friend of hers. That's what has really hurt me. Why her and not me?

I understand what you're saying. It doesn't seem to make sense.
There must be some hidden motive that you don't know about, good or bad.
Only God knows.

 

[BigToe]

I've had several friends over the years who have simply "forgotten" about me because they found "cooler" friends to hang out with. When it happens I have to remember it is their loss and not mine. So please remember that too. Your friend is the one missing out on your friendship and limiting it.

And sometimes people realize that they have friends who will always be there for them, will remember their birthday, and other things that just come naturally for you to do as a friend. Not everyone does that and when you do, some people will take it for granted what a good friend you are.

 

[Chococat]

Thanks for the encouragement Big Toe (btw I love your username ). I have a feeling I'll be there for my friend long after all these fairweather friends have done a runner!