Ultimatums

[meetvirginia]

Let me give you a little background first. My bf and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years, I'm almost 21 and he's 19. We have a pretty serious relationship. In fact, I gave up my scholarship at a school so that I could go with him to the school of his choice and be in the marching band, his life dream. Well, now I'm graduating in the spring and I'm going to law school the next year. Frankly, the places I want to go are far away. However this would most likely mean at least 2 years apart, and I don't know if I want that. We considered getting married next summer and me waiting to go to law school and working full time until he graduated (again, not seeming very fair to me). I was willing to do it though because I love him and that requires sacrifice. Well I realized, because he can't seem to make sacrifices for me... he probably really doesn't love me...

I told him that he can choose, either me or his plans, the way he wants them. It may not have to come down to that, but do I really want to be with someone who won't make the same sacrifices for me as I have for him?

Am I demanding too much? Help me understand here.

 

[Linnis]

So basically you keep giving up your dreams for the relationship but when push comes to shuve, he cannot do the same?

Wuld you be willing to go to a local law school and wait to get married or attend a local law school and get married? Or do you HAVE to go to this law school? What happens if you put off going to school to wait to go to the school you really want to go to but then it doesn't happen?

Ultimatimes are not all bad. Sometimes people need to be honest with themselves and they arn't being so. A relationship won't work if you are always the one, taking one for the team.

 

[Deliberatetourist]

Let me give you a little background first. My bf and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years, I'm almost 21 and he's 19. We have a pretty serious relationship. In fact, I gave up my scholarship at a school so that I could go with him to the school of his choice and be in the marching band, his life dream. Well, now I'm graduating in the spring and I'm going to law school the next year. Frankly, the places I want to go are far away. However this would most likely mean at least 2 years apart, and I don't know if I want that. We considered getting married next summer and me waiting to go to law school and working full time until he graduated (again, not seeming very fair to me). I was willing to do it though because I love him and that requires sacrifice. Well I realized, because he can't seem to make sacrifices for me... he probably really doesn't love me...

I told him that he can choose, either me or his plans, the way he wants them. It may not have to come down to that, but do I really want to be with someone who won't make the same sacrifices for me as I have for him?

Am I demanding too much? Help me understand here.

It's realy very simple. Which is more important...your boyfriend or your career?

 

[peanutbutter12]

Sounds like you both are being pulled in different directions. He wants his dreams and you want yours, which is fine if they work in unison together. But if you two can't come to an agreement on how to make them work together so you both can be happy together and live out your dreams, then it won't last.

Yes, you should follow your dreams. If your dream is to go to law school, then do it. But if you either can't keep your relationship going while your away, or don't want to, then it's not love. Yes, you may have sacrificed a scholarship, but what good is the sacrifice if you are just going to complain about how unfair it was to you? When you love someone, if it makes them happy, why would it not make you happy as well to see that person be happy? However, on the other side of this, you didn't say what he was not willing to sacrifice for you.

I made one thing clear right off to my wife when we were dating. No one would ever come between myself and my music. Luckily, she is in full support of my career. But that meant that she had to leave her home and her family in the west and relocate to the east. Not an easy thing for her because of how tight her family is. but she made the sacrifice willingly and happily so I could continue my work here.

CJ

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Let me give you a little background first. My bf and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years, I'm almost 21 and he's 19. We have a pretty serious relationship. In fact, I gave up my scholarship at a school so that I could go with him to the school of his choice and be in the marching band, his life dream. Well, now I'm graduating in the spring and I'm going to law school the next year. Frankly, the places I want to go are far away. However this would most likely mean at least 2 years apart, and I don't know if I want that. We considered getting married next summer and me waiting to go to law school and working full time until he graduated (again, not seeming very fair to me). I was willing to do it though because I love him and that requires sacrifice. Well I realized, because he can't seem to make sacrifices for me... he probably really doesn't love me...

I told him that he can choose, either me or his plans, the way he wants them. It may not have to come down to that, but do I really want to be with someone who won't make the same sacrifices for me as I have for him?

Am I demanding too much? Help me understand here.

Did he ask you to make that sacrifice for him, or did you do it on your own? Would he have stayed with you if you had taken your scholarship? If you made that first sacrifice on your own, without it being a serious issue to him, then it's extremely unfair to ask him to make a sacrifice for you in exchange for a sacrifice you made that he didn't even bring up. Giving should be done simply for the sake of giving, not because of an ulterior motive.

 

[hasnoname]

Ok...here is how I see these kind of situations.

Look at it in an eternal perspective. This is the ultimate ultimatum.

Either you two are meant to be married...meaning it is in God's will.

OR

You are not meant to be together.

The first one means both of you should care less about the details. To put something trivial, like school (remember...eternal perspective), in front of something that WILL affect your walk with God is absolutely absurd. Now with an eternal perspective, think of what is best for the relationship, not necessarily yourself. Which decision will keep the relationship aligned with God's will. Which will best glorify him.

If it is the second...then end the relationship. Go far away for Law school. It might hurt...but seriously.

Think about it like this...unless you were going to the far away place for the relationships benefit...what good would it do. You would be choosing your success over the relationship...you might as well be saying...I dont have faith in God for this relationship...I want to be success myself BEFORE I will have faith in a God granted relationship.

At the same time...he needs to see it the same way....

It is really late...so sorry for how incoherent this message seems...hopefully you get my general ideas.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Ok...here is how I see these kind of situations.

Look at it in an eternal perspective. This is the ultimate ultimatum.

Either you two are meant to be married...meaning it is in God's will.

OR

You are not meant to be together.

The first one means both of you should care less about the details. To put something trivial, like school (remember...eternal perspective), in front of something that WILL affect your walk with God is absolutely absurd. Now with an eternal perspective, think of what is best for the relationship, not necessarily yourself. Which decision will keep the relationship aligned with God's will. Which will best glorify him.

If it is the second...then end the relationship. Go far away for Law school. It might hurt...but seriously.

Think about it like this...unless you were going to the far away place for the relationships benefit...what good would it do. You would be choosing your success over the relationship...you might as well be saying...I dont have faith in God for this relationship...I want to be success myself BEFORE I will have faith in a God granted relationship.

At the same time...he needs to see it the same way....

It is really late...so sorry for how incoherent this message seems...hopefully you get my general ideas.

If we keep the eternal perspective in mind we really need to be thinking about serving God and how to accomplish that here. Once in heaven the marriage relationship will not be as it is here. All of our imperfections will be taken care of in heaven. I see the choice of a marriage partner of much more significance while here where the wrong choice can make the present seem like Hell. I also don't believe that there is only one right person on this Earth for marriage. And the right person could be all wrong at the wrong time.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Your bf is 19? Most youth are barely getting out of their selfish mode at this age. Some scientists are saying that the male brain isn't fully developed until 19 or 21? (I can't remember exactly), so I don't think it's really fair to be asking for some heavy duty decisions quite yet.
My cousin gave up a full ride scholarship to follow a bf. The relationship didn't work out. When I was 21 I gave up taking a good job because it would've interfered with spending time with my bf who lived 3 hours away. He turned out to be my ex-husband and I wished I had taken the job.
I was talking to some older ladies at my church last Sunday regarding a relationship. The one thing that they both stressed was that if I was obedient to God the relationship would happen if it was meant to be. I can leave it to God.
My opinion? Make the best move for your education and career. If the relationship is meant to be-it will happen. At my old age of 40 I say he's too young to get married. It would be a shame to get married and keep saying I should've......

 

[HisLittleHazelnut]

He's only 19. Most men aren't ready to get married at that point anyway.

I'd say give it at least another two years. If you last through it, that is good. If not, perhaps he's not the right one for you.
In the meantime, follow your dreams.

My fiance and I have been long distance for over a year and a half. We may end up marrying this August, or it may be more like next January, we don't know. One thing is for certain: We WILL marry.

Even in a long distance relationship (that is if you have a commitment to that person, and don't date around) you can have that security.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

Well I realized, because he can't seem to make sacrifices for me... he probably really doesn't love me...

This is a wise realization. If you take the time off you honestly may not get to law school. How would you feel if that was the reality. Lots can happen in two years while married and working full-time. I think you were right in making him make the choice.

 

[Leanna]

Its hard to say with such limited information whether he is a sacrificing type or not. Just two major decisions are mentioned here, and sometimes its hard to give up something that is really important to you. There might be a way that would meet both of your goals. But also, what about other sacrifices? Is he willing to go to Arby's instead of Wendy's for you? Is he willing to go shopping instead of watching the basketball game? I don't think you can say that he won't sacrifice for you based only on these two items. He is only 19. I don't see why you can't both go to college and find a way to make it work, either long distance or with you going to colleges in the same town. Have you asked him if he is willing to move with you? You didn't mention that either. He could move with you and go to college there. One thing to note though, if you stayed local both of your college will be a lot cheaper.

 

[sjdennis]

Thought I'd point out something noone else has touched on.

My bf and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years, I'm almost 21 and he's 19. We have a pretty serious relationship. In fact, I gave up my scholarship at a school so that I could go with him to the school of his choice and be in the marching band, his life dream.

Why did you go with him to the school of his choice? Why did you have to go with him, rather than going long-distance? What do you mean by a "pretty serious relationship"? Are you two living together? Because if that is the case it puts a whole new spin on the issue. For the moment I'll assume you are living seperately, but please clarify as this will affect the advice everyone gives.

I do not think you need to be a particular age before marriage, although your brain doesn't finish growing until 25 I think, you can find it is God's will to marry earlier (I married at 21). What matters is maturity. What you need to consider is whether your 19 year old bf is exceptionally mature for his age and ready to marry, or still a teenager in his thoughts and actions. The decision should be based on maturity, not age.

I told him that he can choose, either me or his plans, the way he wants them. It may not have to come down to that, but do I really want to be with someone who won't make the same sacrifices for me as I have for him?

Am I demanding too much? Help me understand here.

In a marriage, if you both intend to pursue a career, you will have the same issues come up - one will be pulled one way by their job and the other in the other direction. Are you willing to follow him in life, or is he willing to follow you? At the end of the day, one will need to follow the other throughout life. Traditionally the wife followed her husband, that does not need to be the case but it is a system that works for many people.

In conclusion:

If you are both mature enough to get married, you should be able to come up with a joint decision that God would be happy with.

If you are not mature enough yet, a time of long-distance may give you the space to assess whether it is God's will that you marry or not. You may learn things that will help you in your marriage, if that is what God's eventual plan is.

PRAY