Two Questions about Marriages and Courtships

FaithfulServant · May 18, 2004

Howdy everyone. I recently read the book by Joshua Harris called "Boy Meets Girl" and he talked about how people shouldn't start courting/dating until they are ready to be married. First question: Do y'all agree with this? Should people wait until they are fully capable of getting married before they can begin courting someone?

But first think about the Second question: Do people need to have a job before they get married? What is your opinion of people getting married while still attending university?

I am concerned as to possibly such thing as "too long of a courtship" and I am wondering if problems do arise in couples who get married while still in university?

God Bless ,

Steffani

desi · May 18, 2004

Its a good idea to wait so long as you are a good judge of character so you don't get fooled by the wrong type of guy.

As for having a job you should make sure he does and agrees with you in most areas, especially the important ones such how to raise children.

fishstix · May 18, 2004

FaithfulServant said:
Howdy everyone. I recently read the book by Joshua Harris called "Boy Meets Girl" and he talked about how people shouldn't start courting/dating until they are ready to be married. First question: Do y'all agree with this? Should people wait until they are fully capable of getting married before they can begin courting someone?

How are you defining fully capable? I think that people should hold off on anything more than friendship until they could see themselves marrying the person a few years down the road. They don't need to be ready to get married instantaneously, but they should be actually think that there is a very good chance that this relationship will lead to marriage. And no, a 12 year old fantasizing about marrying her crush does not count as seeing the relationship end in marriage. That's an extreme example, but I think you know what I mean - you should really be serious about possibly marrying the person one day, not just playing with the idea.

But first think about the Second question: Do people need to have a job before they get married? What is your opinion of people getting married while still attending university?

Sometimes it works and sometimes it ends in disaster. I think this one does depend on the situation and the people involved. Sometimes it might be an ok idea to get married while still in university, depending on the maturity level of the people involved, etc. More often than not, it is probably a good idea to wait. Especially if the couple is quite young and just starting university. How the couple is going to support themselves financially is certainly something to consider when deciding on when to get married.

I am concerned as to possibly such thing as "too long of a courtship" and I am wondering if problems do arise in couples who get married while still in university?

God Bless ,

Steffani

I don't really have many comments on the "too long of a courtship" thing. If the couple isn't ready to get married they shouldn't force themselves to just because other people think it's about time or because they feel that they've been together long enough that they should be married by now. Yes, problems do arise in some couples who get married while still in university. Some couples have a hard time juggling marriage and school and trying to find enough time and money for everything. And sometimes it works out very well. There is no general rule on whether a university marriage will fail or succeed as there are some that work and some that don't. Whether or not you personally should get married during university or wait until afterwards is something that you will have to decide yourself as everyone is different.

Yummi · May 19, 2004

Do people need to have a job before they get married? What is your opinion of people getting married while still attending university?

It may work of course but if I look at what God did for Adam and Eve, the garden was ready and Adam has already worked there for a while before Eve was brought.

Ceris · May 19, 2004

Regarding the 1st question: I would say not necissarily. But obviously the others can give you better advice on this.

About the 2nd question: In some cases it does work out, but I would say it's generally a better idea to wait until after college.

TheDatelessLoserX2 · May 19, 2004

I have read this book, and "I've Kissed Dating Goodbye" and I like his points. I would have to agree that dating shouldn't happen if you aren't ready to be married. What is the point of dating? To find that someone. And if you aren't trying to find that someone why date? You are just wasting their time and yours on something that is frivolous in nature. The time could be better spent on other things. There isn't a universal answer however. That someone may show up in whatever manner God deems necessary to fulfill his plan, be you young or old. But as a rule of thumb I dont think you should date just for the sake of dating. But again that is just my humble opinion. =/

BenjaminK · May 19, 2004

First question's comment:
I think the gist of Josh Harris' writings is to reject the secular idea of dating and to promote the idea of courtship. It is a very relevant book today. Too many Christian youths are dating just because everyone is dating. And this secular type of dating has led to many complications, problems and sins. Personally, I reject secular dating as well. It is very harmful to one's relationship with God. It's never God's way for His people to follow after the patterns of the world. I believe the issue is deeper than whether dating or courtship is right. They are just means to an end. The Bible never says which is right either. To be fair, the Bible "promotes" arranged marriages
Coming back to the question, it's a good principle that one only gets into serious relationship when he/she's ready to be committed for marriage.

2nd question's comment:
There's never a requirement to have a job before you can get married A more pressing issue is whether you are walking in God's will for this intended marriage. Having a job is a practical issue. I don't see anything wrong with getting married while still in the university.

P/s: Another excellent book "Passion and Purity" by Elisabeth Elliot is also helpful.

Grunt · May 19, 2004

FaithfulServant said:
First question: Do y'all agree with this? Should people wait until they are fully capable of getting married before they can begin courting someone?

How do you define ready or fully capable?

FaithfulServant said:
But first think about the Second question: Do people need to have a job before they get married? What is your opinion of people getting married while still attending university?

Not having forsight to provide for yourself and your spouse is rather foolish. Other than that I guess it's up to the couple. If you wait until you're out of college and have a job, your financial situation will probably be easier.

FaithfulServant said:
I am concerned as to possibly such thing as "too long of a courtship" and I am wondering if problems do arise in couples who get married while still in university?

To rip off that abstinance group: true love waits. If they're person you truly love, then I don't see "too long a courtship" being a problem.

Out of the Flames · May 19, 2004

FaithfulServant said:
First question: Should people wait until they are fully capable of getting married before they can begin courting someone?

I don't know that I fully agree with it, but it's a good theory. I think that interpersonal relationships are a vital part of social growth and development as well as emotional growth. Until you've had a chance to interact with many people on various social and emotional levels, you never fully grow into a marriageable person. You need that interaction and experiences to help shape you into that person.

FaithfulServant said:
But first think about the Second question: Do people need to have a job before they get married? What is your opinion of people getting married while still attending university?

I am concerned as to possibly such thing as "too long of a courtship" and I am wondering if problems do arise in couples who get married while still in university?

When you are not financially stable, how many problems does that create for you? How much stress does that create for you? Why would you want to bring that burden into a marriage?

As for couples that marry during college, that depends largely on the couple. One of my best friends didn't finish college because she got married and had a baby. Conversely, I met a woman in my small group last night that says her husband was instrumental in getting her to finish school.

And finally, there is nothing wrong with a long courtship. It gives you ample time to truly get to know a person and what's in their heart to determine if they are truly the one intended for your life. The only problem that I can see arising from it is if one of the people cannot commit after a reasonable period of time and if that is the case, it's better to be done with them. If a person cannot commit after a few years, for example, he's not likely to ever be committed to you.

Sketcher · May 19, 2004

I don't know if marrying while in college is a bad idea or not, because my parents married while in school and they are still together. But I don't know how well or how poorly those years went for them because I came much later.

I personally believe that I should have a steady, full time job before I marry. I heard a well-reknowned preacher say this: That Adam received his mission in life from God before Eve was created. Eve was created to be a helper for this mission (naming the animals, then populating and subduing the Earth). Also, since the husband is the head of the wife (Eph 5:23) I would be responsible for leading her throughout the rest of our lives together. What right do I have to step into this massive role if I don't know where I'm going in life? If I don't know my specific purpose, I might marry someone better equipped to help somebody else. If I cannot provide for her on my own income, I am not being responsible with her well being. If I do not have a decent job and a decent understanding of what God wants to do with me for the rest of my life, I cannot accomodate her in these ways.

Bks Finest · May 19, 2004

i feel if its the right time , you feel right , right person
do it

plum · May 19, 2004

Okay most likely (a miracle would HAVE to happen) I will not get married while in college... BUT, it's an option for those who find it necessary I suppose.

I'm in the camp that says "wait!" until later on when you know what your post graduate plans will be... and about the job... well no i think a couple could make it as they're just starting out, but it might be rough especially as the first year of marriage is reputably the most difficult already..

Phrasedefina · May 19, 2004

First question....I don't believe you should wait to date till your ready to get married...thats just ridiculous. I mean, there are soooooo many females and males out there, that if you waited till your ready to commit to marriage....and your relationship didn't work out, you could be potentially dating people till your very last days. Who wants that? Besides this world is to complicated and rough for you to be EXPECTED to go about your whole life alone. I decided that I am not ready to marry until I have "made it" and thats a little ways away! But I sure am gonna try to love someone before then!

Second question:
Just because I have expierenced serious commitment when you are in a college situation; I feel I have good insight here. DON'T GET MARRIED IN COLLEGE! I mean, think about everything you miss out on. All the fun times with your friends etc. Forget it......I regret the relationship I had when I was in the military. I could've expierenced life so much more (and no, I am not talking about sinning) without her there.

mina · May 19, 2004

1. I don't think anyone should date unless they are ready to pursue marriage. Otherwise , what's the point?

2.I think it's hard to get married while still in college. It depends on where your priorities lie. For me, college was hard enough already. I had to spend a good bit of my time studying so that I could keep my scholarships and finish school. Throw in work and I felt like I never even saw my friends that much. It's hard to start a new marriage in the midst of all that. My peers and friends that I saw do this, struggled a lot with it and one or both of them never finished. So , I think it can work but it just makes life that much harder. I would wait until I was out of college

Echoes Peak · May 19, 2004

Grunt said:
How do you define ready or fully capable?

You know, I was just thinking that myself. How does anyone define being fully, ready or capable? You can think you are and then God enlightens you and tells you aren't. I only say that just because I know, I have personally been in situations, where as sure as the sun rises, I absolutely thought I had a handle on a situation and then, it became evident that I didn't.

As for dating, I think its important because I think we learn alot about not just social interaction, but there is also some character formation that occurs, hopefully. Beyond that, I'm not sure where I stand as far as dating someone you wouldn't necessarily consider for a lifetime partnership.

Lexi · May 19, 2004

I agree that a person should be emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially stable before they choose to get married... I personally don't date anyone that I couldn't see myself with for the rest of my life.

GeorgiaGuy · May 19, 2004

Faithful Servant, personally I would advise you to not pay attention to the words of Joshua Harris. I do not believe them to be Biblical, and I believe his viewpoints can do much greater harm within the Christian community than they could help.

A person who does not date is not going to have a relationship, for all intensive purposes. Dating is about establishing the bond. Sure, one could become good friends without dating, but you're still going to need to date.

The main problem I have with Harris opinion is that in today's busy world, people of the opposite sex have little time to hang around one another without pursuing a dating relationship. The consequences of such are that one cannot adequately get to know the person, and in the end, the person will get tired of holding out that there will be a future relationship, and life will send you your separate ways, as it tends to do.

As far as marrying within college, I have no problem with it. The person has to decide, though, if he or she is willing to sacrafice their education for marriage. In some instances this can be a positive thing, for you're not guaranteed another love, and finishing school could dice a potential wonderful marriage. Secondly, college doesn't guarantee you anything in this day and time. They're becoming more of wasted time than they have ever been, as it has become so common to go to college, and as the number of graduates are at high numbers, that getting a college degree no longer sets you apart. Besides, doing well in college, or getting a degree is only one of the requirements and is not set in stone for employment. Sure, it helps, but I wouldn't advise placing school over a potential wonderful marriage. If you both can decide to wait out college and then get married, then that is okay. However, relationships are more important than school, in my opinion. You have to decide what you favor. Many people have placed all their efforts into college and doing well in life that they miss out on the good things about life: Prime dating and relationship years. I'd advise against that, as I fell for that hook, line, and sinker.

I suppose I'd say that if you're close to graduation, I'd finish school. However, I'd make sure that the both of you acknowledge that you'll finish. If one decides that they can't wait, I'd try to stay together, perhaps finish college as a married student. Sacraficing a potential mate is NOT worth a college education, in my opinion. I hope that I'm providing the best advice, as this is what I believe.

fishstix · May 20, 2004

GeorgiaGuy said:
Faithful Servant, personally I would advise you to not pay attention to the words of Joshua Harris. I do not believe them to be Biblical, and I believe his viewpoints can do much greater harm within the Christian community than they could help.

A person who does not date is not going to have a relationship, for all intensive purposes. Dating is about establishing the bond. Sure, one could become good friends without dating, but you're still going to need to date.

The main problem I have with Harris opinion is that in today's busy world, people of the opposite sex have little time to hang around one another without pursuing a dating relationship. The consequences of such are that one cannot adequately get to know the person, and in the end, the person will get tired of holding out that there will be a future relationship, and life will send you your separate ways, as it tends to do.

As far as marrying within college, I have no problem with it. The person has to decide, though, if he or she is willing to sacrafice their education for marriage. In some instances this can be a positive thing, for you're not guaranteed another love, and finishing school could dice a potential wonderful marriage. Secondly, college doesn't guarantee you anything in this day and time. They're becoming more of wasted time than they have ever been, as it has become so common to go to college, and as the number of graduates are at high numbers, that getting a college degree no longer sets you apart. Besides, doing well in college, or getting a degree is only one of the requirements and is not set in stone for employment. Sure, it helps, but I wouldn't advise placing school over a potential wonderful marriage. If you both can decide to wait out college and then get married, then that is okay. However, relationships are more important than school, in my opinion. You have to decide what you favor. Many people have placed all their efforts into college and doing well in life that they miss out on the good things about life: Prime dating and relationship years. I'd advise against that, as I fell for that hook, line, and sinker.

I suppose I'd say that if you're close to graduation, I'd finish school. However, I'd make sure that the both of you acknowledge that you'll finish. If one decides that they can't wait, I'd try to stay together, perhaps finish college as a married student. Sacraficing a potential mate is NOT worth a college education, in my opinion. I hope that I'm providing the best advice, as this is what I believe.

Of course, if the relationship isn't strong enough to last while waiting for those few years of college to end, that's saying something right there. If you're in a relationship and the demand is to get married *now* or not at all and that a few years from now isn't good enough, it has to be right away, then I would question whether that is likely to be a good relationship.

BTW, if graduating from college doesn't set you apart, then not graduating from college does - in a negative way...

Echoes Peak · May 20, 2004

fishstix said:
BTW, if graduating from college doesn't set you apart, then not graduating from college does - in a negative way...

Unfortunately. I know quite a few people who are rather successful at what they do, and some of them did not finish or attend college at all. College, like many other things, has become a status symbol.

fishstix · May 20, 2004

Echoes Peak said:
Unfortunately. I know quite a few people who are rather successful at what they do, and some of them did not finish or attend college at all. College, like many other things, has become a status symbol.

Yes, there certainly are exceptions to the rule However, being a college drop-out isn't something that potential employers are likely to look on favorably.

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