Turning down a guy--honestly but kindly

[sparrow1029]

Hi all. I need some advice--I was just asked out by someone, and while I think hes a nice guy, and quite intelligent, I'm not dating right now because I want to fully focus on other parts of my life--mainly God and my education. Also, from what I've observed we have very different moral stances (hes not a Christian, and there are other things) and I wouldn't be inclined to date him even if I didn't have other things to think about. How do I (nicely) decline? In the past I think I handled this kind of situation poorly, because I'm always so surprised to be asked--this time, the situation has allowed me a little more time to think things through. I already know that being honest is best, but I think that there is a smart way to tell the truth--its that smart way that I'm looking for. Opinions from both girls and guys are appreciated

 

[Katty]

Heh... I always have such a hard time with saying no in situations like this. You already know why you don't want to date right now and I think that thats the very heart of what needs to be said to him. Its always harder for "non-Christian" guys to understand why there's a hesitation when it comes to "unequally yoked issues" or "just a date" and so I think that even though that needs to be addressed, the thing that you need to emphasize is that you aren't looking for anything because if you try to explain every single stance that you are taking, you may come off as "I'm better than you" or "I'm too good for you" and never do you ever want to come off as that. I always hate hurting someone else's feelings and so I know its not an easy place for you to be sitting in right now but I wish you the best

~Katty~

 

[SDSUMarcus01]

To be honest, his feelings are going to be hurt no matter how you reject him. But just do it politely. Tell him exactly what you told us... that you don't feel ready for a relationship because you want to focus on school and God.

 

[Snowhite]

I wouldn't be inclined to date him even if I didn't have other things to think about. How do I (nicely) decline?

When you find out...let me know

 

[sparrow1029]

When you find out...let me know

Hehe, definitely Katty, I totally agree--going into too much detail about my own beliefs/morals would be over doing it. Right now, I think that, with him, I'll focus more on the "school keeps me too busy" reason.

This is good advice so far! Thanks so much! Any other thoughts floating around out there?

 

[SDSUMarcus01]

Umm... yah... be firm in your rejection, don't leave any room for him to hope that you might someday be interested.

Having experienced that hope before... let me tell you, it sucks, always hoping the girl will someday magically like you. Nip it in the bud and do him a favor.

 

[Buskanaka]

just tell him straight out, don't use excuses to try and soften the blow by making it sound like you would accept if you didn't have all these other things to do. He may not be a Christian but he deserves an honest answer. In the end it will be less painful for him if you just tell him straight out, by all means tell him that you want to concentrate on school and don't want to date someone with different beliefs, but be firm, don't leave any room for negotiation or hope on his part. good luck!

 

[Yummi]

I wouldn't be inclined to date him even if I didn't have other things to think about. How do I (nicely) decline?

Yes, how can I tell him that I just don't like him? I say politely 'no' to him, but when he asks me why, I'm stuck, I cannot lie but want to be clear and firm without being hurtful. If the reason is school or something else, I can tell it easily but when it's about likings, it's hard. What can I say in these situations?

 

[seangoh]

Yes, how can I tell him that I just don't like him? I say politely 'no' to him, but when he asks me why, I'm stuck, I cannot lie but want to be clear and firm without being hurtful. If the reason is school or something else, I can tell it easily but when it's about likings, it's hard. What can I say in these situations?

I got rejected by a girl once and i believe she had the wisdom to do it well such that it hurt less. Yes it still hurts after a few days but if she had done it any other way, i can't imagine. As the guys have mentioned earlier, it is imperative that you are firm. Don't say it with a smile on your face. Be very clear to that guy that you are serious by what you have said by your facial expression. When he asks you whether you like him, there are 2 cases. I don't know which one you fall into so here it is. Case 1: You like him too. Tell him that there are different degrees of feelings you have to different people. You don't have to tell him Yes i like you too.The key is not to say Yes. Case 2: You don't like him. This one is easy just say no.

And remember, it's impossible not to hurt a guy when rejecting him. So don't try to aim for that.

 

[Stanfi]

There has been some great advice given here so far. First I want to applaud you for seeking the right way to go about this. I think it is important to be considerate of others feelings. The secrect is to be straight forward and honest. Don't be "wishy-washy", and don't assume that something is obvious to him. Tell him. Don't give him any false sense of hope that if this or that was different then you would go out with him.

 

[wvmtnkid]

I would encourage you to address some of the reasons of the "unequally yoked" issue with him. Here's my reasoning behind that: you don't want to date now, but that's probably not going to last forever. You could tell him you are busy with school right now or a horde of other excuses. Or that you just aren't going to date right now. What he hears is "I still might have a chance down the road." But when you tell him that really the majority of the reason is because you want to honor the commitment you have made to God, that changes things a bit. Or, let's say, someone does enter the picture that is a Christian and you feel perhaps God is calling you two together. The excuses you gave this other guy all go out the window and he thinks you have lied to him about not dating.

You don't have to go into grand detail or put him down in any way because he isn't a Christian. But if you truly want to stand by your convictions, I think this guy needs to know that. The reason you aren't dating him has more to do with than your busy schedule. Plus, it might make him think about his own faith and where he stands.

 

[Stanfi]

I would encourage you to address some of the reasons of the "unequally yoked" issue with him. Here's my reasoning behind that: you don't want to date now, but that's probably not going to last forever. You could tell him you are busy with school right now or a horde of other excuses. Or that you just aren't going to date right now. What he hears is "I still might have a chance down the road." But when you tell him that really the majority of the reason is because you want to honor the commitment you have made to God, that changes things a bit. Or, let's say, someone does enter the picture that is a Christian and you feel perhaps God is calling you two together. The excuses you gave this other guy all go out the window and he thinks you have lied to him about not dating.

You don't have to go into grand detail or put him down in any way because he isn't a Christian. But if you truly want to stand by your convictions, I think this guy needs to know that. The reason you aren't dating him has more to do with than your busy schedule. Plus, it might make him think about his own faith and where he stands.

What she said!

 

[SDSUMarcus01]

You're going to have to be more firm than just that though... some people will change religions to get the girl they like... I mean all the better if he's saved, but you know what I mean.

Just flat out tell him: "You aren't what I'm looking for in a partner." If he asks why tell him: "You just aren't."

 

[JPPT1974]

You ladies have been getting great advice but still, telling him your thoughts and feelings about an relationship and how you feel about him not being a Christian is going to hurt you telling him than for him to hear it from you. But be yourself and tell him your true feelings and thoughts. But do it in a Christian and kind way!! Hope that helps and also pray for him to accept Christ as his Savior and Lord.

 

[jenptcfan]

I would encourage you to address some of the reasons of the "unequally yoked" issue with him. Here's my reasoning behind that: you don't want to date now, but that's probably not going to last forever. You could tell him you are busy with school right now or a horde of other excuses. Or that you just aren't going to date right now. What he hears is "I still might have a chance down the road." But when you tell him that really the majority of the reason is because you want to honor the commitment you have made to God, that changes things a bit. Or, let's say, someone does enter the picture that is a Christian and you feel perhaps God is calling you two together. The excuses you gave this other guy all go out the window and he thinks you have lied to him about not dating.

You don't have to go into grand detail or put him down in any way because he isn't a Christian. But if you truly want to stand by your convictions, I think this guy needs to know that. The reason you aren't dating him has more to do with than your busy schedule. Plus, it might make him think about his own faith and where he stands.

I agree. You don't want to beat him over the head with the unequally yoked thing, but there's no shame in saying "one of the things I look for in a guy is a strong commitment to Christianity"

 

[sparrow1029]

Wow, thanks guys! Its nice to get the different perspectives on this issue. When he initially asked me, I asked him to define his expectations (not in those words, but the meaning was the same). I wanted to know, was he expecting our time together to be in terms of forming a friendship, or was this a date, etc., etc., and his response was that, for now, he wanted to get to know me better as a friend.

This sent up red flags, because it indicated he thinks there is the possibility for more somewhere down the road. I let him know my stance on dating, mainly focusing on the educational issue, and that even if he eventually asked me, my answer would be "no"--I was very clear on that point. I do agree with you, wvmtnkid, but at this point, I don't know him that well, so I don't want to make my argument based on his own morals and beliefs--although I will if he pushes me on the issue. My opinion of his standards is based only on a few random comments, so, I can't be even 25% sure of where hes coming from. In any event, I gave him the option to back out gracefully, and I'll harbor no hard feelings.

Anything else you'd suggest? Am I handling this all wrong?

 

[Yummi]

Just flat out tell him: "You aren't what I'm looking for in a partner." If he asks why tell him: "You just aren't."

Wow! That's exactly what I'm afraid to say ! That's harsh !

 

[fug]

Hi all. I need some advice--I was just asked out by someone, and while I think hes a nice guy, and quite intelligent, I'm not dating right now because I want to fully focus on other parts of my life--mainly God and my education. Also, from what I've observed we have very different moral stances (hes not a Christian, and there are other things) and I wouldn't be inclined to date him even if I didn't have other things to think about. How do I (nicely) decline? In the past I think I handled this kind of situation poorly, because I'm always so surprised to be asked--this time, the situation has allowed me a little more time to think things through. I already know that being honest is best, but I think that there is a smart way to tell the truth--its that smart way that I'm looking for. Opinions from both girls and guys are appreciated

Do it like a true Christian. Tell him to sod off and assure him that he's got as much chance as getting with you as Scott Muller has of getting back in the Australian Cricket team. But do it gently.

 

[SDSUMarcus01]

Wow! That's exactly what I'm afraid to say ! That's harsh !

I don't think so, as long as you say it politely. I read about some guy asking a chick out and her rejection response was: "Maybe if you lose 200 lbs I can set you up with a handicapped friend of mine."... now THAT is harsh.

Anyways, I think it's actually harsher to leave hope. I spent about a year trying to get over this girl because she first acted like she was interested and then shot me down. That little inkling of hope was enough to cause heartache for a YEAR. Of course at the time I wasn't saved either.

 

[Ceris]

Really, do it so that the guy will have no ideas about any possibility down the road. That's one of the first things that would always pop into my head when I got turned down.