Thanks! I'm so glad I went today. I'm still not sure what denomination it was, but there was lots of Scripture. "Close reading," essentially, which was cool because I've done that myself in literature classes. I liked how the pastor brought out and applied the words of the verses. There was a lot of talk of living the truth. I did get scared that a couple of people were giving me funny looks, maybe for not joining in the singing and dancing - I don't really do that kind of thing - and wondered how much of that was just talk and how much this church actually practices what it preaches.
At first, I was nervous, because the worship was very modern and open, and I was brought up in a
very traditional, rigid, frigid kind of background, and then slipped into a similar church. It was far removed from even its mainstream version. That kind of thing has been easier for me to slip into, on account of my past and just being in a really unhealthy state. But it doesn't feel truly natural to me. I've been told before that I'm open-hearted and that this can help me in my spiritual life if I let it. But I haven't known how...Sorry if this is confusing, or TMI. But anyway, even though it's almost painfully awkward for me in my locked-up state (externally, at least), I think I actually prefer the looser style. It seems more sincere, more authentic. Even though I'm way too locked up inside to actually be that way myself. I can't even imagine it. If this is too confusing, this is the best way I know to explain it: inside, I'm warm liquid (full of broken glass these days); but outside, I'm like a robot. Too many traumas and suffering, since early childhood, have made me like that, and I don't know how to heal to change. I'm trying to let God heal me now, though. It seems like the sterner forms of worship just aggravate what's already wrong, reminding me of terrible environments from the past and putting me in a really bad head space which in turn poisons my spiritual life. They may work for some, but not so much for me.
Anyway, the best part was that after the service, one of the women who greeted me and asked me to sit with her, sat talking to me in more depth. I was slightly shocked at how much I found myself divulging. I guess I'm even more fragile than I'd thought. But she was very warm and compassionate, and she said God wanted me to tell my story and heal, that it's satan who tries to keep us silent, hiding everything in shame and striving to live a lie with a false face. What she said really, really resonated, especially about God healing us through sharing the truth.
Oh, and the prayer! She prayed over me, and I made myself very receptive to God's grace...and
it had such a powerful effect! Not immediately and sensibly, though I did sense something happening subtly. But as I left and went about the rest of my day...wow! I feel, and am behaving, so differently! I'm working hard not to fall back into bad/fearful habits and ways of thinking. I feel like God wants to give me so much grace, to change things, but I have to cooperate and let him, not just keeping living in the same old patterns and lies. I'm determined to cooperate, to change my ways and live in his truth. I think this church will help me do that.
I was invited to some kind of prayer meeting/Bible study during the week, and I'm going to go.
