Trying to figure out what to do now...

[sarahbear42]

My husband told me about a week ago that he'd finally made the decision to divorce me. We've been separated now for a couple of months, since he found out that I had been having an affair with a friend of his.

I'm in therapy now, trying to get better... it's always been so much easier for me to lie, cheat, and steal my way through life, and misrepresent myself to everyone I cared about so that I never disappointed them. When my husband made me miserable, I told him everything was fine, and went elsewhere for comfort. Now, I'm left finally learning how to be honest and be a healthy, whole person... and he's not going to be there when I'm better. I love him so much... I still haven't come to terms with it, even though he already has laid the groundwork for dating another woman and makes it clear that this is final. It doesn't help either that this has left me suddenly having to work 3 jobs to be able to support myself, and that I'm about to lose the medical insurance I had through him, which is what's allowing me to get therapy.

What should I do? I'm so lonely, and I'm so afraid that this was my one chance, and that now that I've so thoroughly blown it, God won't give me another chance to have what I've always wanted... to be a loving wife and mother and to make a happy home for my family. My husband is an atheist and was scared to death of having children... so when I got pregnant a little over a year ago, we "dealt" with it... I was only able to live with myself afterwards because he promised me that we would have a baby when the time was right, and he assured me that he would always be there. Now I don't have my child, I soon won't have a husband and at any rate, everything that mattered in that relationship is gone now anyway.

I'd given up almost all of my friends to make him happy, and of course now all of the friends we had together are siding with him. All I have left is my best friend, whose marriage is having serious troubles, and an ex-boyfriend who's been very supportive and listened when I needed to talk, but who I'm distancing myself from because I know how easy it would be to rebound on him. My parents are trying to be supportive, but when I lived with them the first few weeks after my husband threw me out, I overheard their conversations... my father has basically given up on me as a horrible person, and my mother I don't think can really face anything that I've done.

I keep having to remind myself not to reestablish communications with the guy I cheated with... I feel so often that he's the only person who might offer some understanding... and I'm so incredibly lonely. I know, though, that that would only be resurrecting a very, very unhealthy relationship.

What should I do? I'm trying to focus on having faith that God has it all under control... it's just so difficult. I've lost everything in the last few months.

I really want to believe that God will give me another husband... a Christian one this time. But how could any Christian man look at my past and do anything but despise me? I want to find a church where I can make some Christian friends... but how do I know they won't all just treat me like something unclean if/when they find out how I got to this place?

 

[dayknee]

Hrm..this is an awful situation you've gotten yourself into.

First..if you are saved... you are forgiven. Your sins are washed clean by the blood of Jesus. You are as white as snow. A believer should NEVER EVER have to worry if they are forgiven for the sins they commit.
Second...unfortunately what you are suffering is the natural consequences to your actions. I am not sure how long you were married but you are pretty young. You probably should have had some pre marital counseling prior to getting married and you probably should not have married a non believer.
Marraiage is very very hard work. It is very rewarding with all that hard work though. I do not know the reasons why you cheated..or why you felt you needed to but it was very wrong and now you are paying the consequences. This is not God punishing you, this is the natural way of things. He can lift you out of it and change your whole life. Be faithful in prayer and in your heart and really try to walk right. Try to continue in your counseling if you are able.
But know that your Savior does not leave you or forsake you in your times of trouble. Im sad for you and Im sad that another person was hurt by this. He might not have been the best husband but you recognized that you should have talked to him instead of pretending everything was fine.
This will pass and you will move on with your life. Just keep focused on Gods word and he will direct your path.
Ill pray for you.

 

[sarahbear42]

Thank you.

 

[KRAZYCAT]

I will be praying for you also. :>) I am a christian and I was on the other end of this situation, and I know not either side of things is fun..or right. Only God can fix his heart, and it sounds like God is working on you. For now just sit back and breath, then get on you knees and pray for God to show you his will for you life. Take life one day at a time and don't sign any papers from him without an attorney, don't care what he says/does. I have been there done that! I am in CA and irreconcilable differences is usually what you get divorced for. The judge doesn't want to know the messy details. Judges are straight and to the point, just the facts. And on one hand it is hard to not have a child, but right now it is prob a good thing. The easy divorces don't have property, children or anything to fight over. They are also the ones that most likely repair their marriages. Praying for you two...

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Your most important job right now is to find a Bible-teaching church that will help you grow. One where they are offering classes and urging people to get involved. If the church is anything, but small they should offer mini-churches or small groups where you can meet mid-week with a group of people who you can develop relationships with and pray for each other. You would really benefit from someone to mentor you and show you what a Christian life looks like.

This time in your life is the perfect time to develop a strong relationship with God. Not everyone will forgive you, because not everyone is perfect, but you will find plenty who will. God does. Don't date non-Christians and you shouldn't be dating until you're legally single and have time to grow and heal.

 

[DZoolander]

Well, a few things.

First - at 23 years old - your life is far from over - and the fat lady sure hasn't sang on what's to be. You have *more* than sufficient time to work out your issues, to find a good and loving husband, to have children, and to have everything you want in life.

A marriage that dissolves by the time you're 23 certainly does not doom you to any kind of life of solitude or being a recluse. So - put your mind at ease about that.

Next - start exercising some common sense in your life. Of course your soon to be ex-husband doesn't want to be around when the "new you" appears. You had sex with his friend. The fact you're working on that doesn't wipe that slate clean. That's not like leaving the toilet seat up. It's not an accident. On a scale of "big ones" - that pretty much caps the list (only falling right beneath killing his parents or something). You shouldn't have done that to begin with.

If you're having problems with your husband - the solution is not to go out and have sex with other men. Eventually the time will come where you have to pay the piper for your actions - so - be careful about what actions you take. Quite honestly, you've behaved in a way that would make any sensible person scratch their heads in disbelief. You must know it, too.

In the future - don't behave that way. It really is that simple. Next time you get a wild idea running through your head saying "Maybe this is a good idea" - think about it again. If it comes off like "Maybe this ain't such a great idea" - don't do it.

 

[DZoolander]

...and furthermore - don't say that you lie, cheat and steal in order to "not disappoint other people." You do it for yourself. You are willing to "lie, cheat and steal" because you believe that if they knew the truth - they would not stay with you. It's not about them. It's about you - and preserving what you want. You make it sound like it's altruistic and done on their behalf.

Clearly - you're not interested in what's best for them. If you were genuinely concerned for them - you wouldn't be willing to do something like having sex with your hubby's friend. That was all about you. You weren't happy with how things were going, so you did what would make you happy.

Everything is about you. Even reading your post. You want to work on you, and you're upset because your ex husband won't be there with you when you finish. You had sex with your husband's friend because you thought it would make you feel better. You are upset with your parents because you don't feel that they are supportive enough of you or that you don't get enough of a chance from them.

Maybe if you start looking at what other people need - and not how everything relates to you - things will surprisingly start to work out.