Starting today August 7th, 2024, in order to post in the Married Couples, Courting Couples, or Singles forums, you will not be allowed to post if you have your Marital status designated as private. Announcements will be made in the respective forums as well but please note that if yours is currently listed as Private, you will need to submit a ticket in the Support Area to have yours changed.
I don't think that is true. You can't be so fatalistic.It doesn't matter if you try or not. It's not based on that.
If someone says 'you're going to get married' they're no more right then if someone says 'you're not going to.'
It doesn't matter if the whole world wants you to get married. You might still not.
It doesn't matter how much you would like to.
I don't know. It is true that it's good either wayI don't think that is true. You can't be so fatalistic.
It doesn't matter if you try or not. It's not based on that.
If someone says 'you're going to get married' they're no more right then if someone says 'you're not going to.'
It doesn't matter if the whole world wants you to get married. You might still not.
It doesn't matter how much you would like to.
That's beautiful. I see a lot of pre-marital touching even in otherwise solid Christian communities. I don't think that's right. I think it's just accepted 'that's what you do.'The husband from the videos I shared made a startling admission recently. He said they courted for 12 years before marrying and he never touched her. Their first kiss was on their wedding night and he wasn’t ashamed. It was heartwarming and honestly refreshing.
No, it's not the lack of companionship. I have been provided other "help-mates' to borrow your term. Family. Buddies. A church group. Even neighbors & workmates. My problem isn't "loneliness." Those relationships are all good. The problem I guess is the human heart.The more I read your posts the less it seems that companionship is the problem or its lack per se. You’re struggling with two issues and one of them is spiritual and the remedy for what ails. You haven’t reached a place of peace in your aloneness because you haven’t developed the fruit of long-suffering and I encourage you to study it. Marriage requires endurance and you’re going to confront things you never expected. How you handle it is the difference.
I have often thought if I am to get married what's in the meantime ultimately for, what is the hardship that will come as married. It can make you excited b/c the longsuffering in the relationship would be for a good. I don't think the hardship would necessarily be the relationship itself, but something else......Long-suffering refers to the quality of being patient and enduring hardship, annoyance, or provocation over a long period without complaint. It often describes someone who remains calm and forgiving despite facing difficulties or challenges.
This is when statistical data is helpful. If you widen the net and see how different pairings fare you may be surprised. ;-)
~bella
That's beautiful. I see a lot of pre-marital touching even in otherwise solid Christian communities. I don't think that's right. I think it's just accepted 'that's what you do.'
No, it's not the lack of companionship. I have been provided other "help-mates' to borrow your term. Family. Buddies. A church group. Even neighbors & workmates. My problem isn't "loneliness." Those relationships are all good. The problem I guess is the human heart.
I have often thought if I am to get married what's in the meantime ultimately for, what is the hardship that will come as married. It can make you excited b/c the longsuffering in the relationship would be for a good. I don't think the hardship would necessarily be the relationship itself, but something else......
There’s some odd ideas in christian circles and the best thing we can do to counter them is to be rooted in the word and affirm its truths daily..
I didn’t mean loneliness as in no one in your life. You’re longing for a woman. That’s the sore spot.
At least you know it won’t be a cakewalk. I used to read marriage books focused on problems to challenge myself and identify my sensitive areas. The behaviors that could break up a home or a separation. It was pretty insightful and the stories were horrible! The majority married for love and didn’t dig into their character enough and allowed emotion to blind them.
Longsuffering isn’t exciting. That’s what you’re going through now and it rarely arrives in the guise we expect. It tests your fortitude and forces you to lean on God in ways you wouldn’t imagine and that’s good for us in the long run and makes us more like Him.
Marriage is easier when you choose the right person. That’s what time affords that speed cannot. There comes a point when euphoria passes and you focus on the qualities you need in a spouse for your betterment. You begin to consider the same within yourself and work on your weaknesses which makes for healthier pairings.
There’s things that appeal to us when we’re unwise that we’d never accept when we mature. As you grow in the Lord your considerations will reflect the shift. You’re playing the long game and have to bear that in mind. Were you qualified to choose a lifelong partner in your twenties? Or do you have a better idea of what covenant involves today?
If the latter is true it wasn’t for naught and you’ve spared yourself a lot of grief. Most people aren’t in that place in their twenties. Life looks different with a little mileage.
~bella
Often I struggle w/ believing I will not get married.
Today was more 'I will but it's taking way too long'
I often think incorrectly I believed early on I wouldn't get married even tho I wanted to. So when I'm struggling, I refer back to that that "I knew early on I wouldn't get married.'
But that's not true. It was only later in life when I started to believe I wouldn't, when the timetable I had given wasn't happening. "Since it doesn't seem to be happening, it won't happen."
Therefore, if it's a will, then there must be good reason for the wait & it is not taking too long.
I struggle w/ the will tho.
Many times people who try to help out, they've never really had a period of singleness. It's very easy for them to teach 'oh you're gonna get married b/c I got married at 20!' & then the older crowd "I got married at 20 & my kids got married 18 so you will too!"
I guess where I was oging w/ this is it's easy for people to think they will when they've never really had a long period of singleness. To someone who has, the will part is hard to maintain.
But I am not in my 20s anymore Ms. Bella. :/
I don't know what this meansWhat do you believe you could do today that wouldn’t impossible later?
I used to think it has to be be a lengthy courtship & engagement. I don't really think that anymore. I would know early on if the person is right. It would end early if I didn't think the person was right.If the Lord ordained marriage for you and specific things within the union you needn’t worry about the time. Have you forgotten who controls it? Have you ever heard the term a quick work? You could be single today and married in six months. Later doesn’t necessarily mean a lengthy courtship or engagement.
Hey that sounds more Biblical Christianity then past stuff you've suggested. I like that. What kind of verses?It sounds like a negative loop. You’ll need a different response to combat it. That’s where affirmations can help. And I don’t mean the new age stuff. But spiritual declarations that affirm the Lord’s words on the subject to calm your fears. I’d chose 10 verses and recite five when I wake and 5 before resting and rotate them every month.
I willingly fast very rarely.. I always want to more but don't. It's sad b/c it's very helpful to do.Fasting is another tool in your arsenal. If you opt to do so I’d dedicate the prayers to marriage, your future wife and family. Do you pray for them often? I used to do it everyday for years and it sears the mind wonderfully. You’ll have an overflow of loving requests soothing your heart and spirit. Which helps to keep the doldrums away.
It often seems like you have very little control. I don't know about relying on others, but people ask you to do things & you do them. You have to do what other people want you to do. It's not you relying on others so much as people relying on you.Do you like to have control? What other areas in your life forces you to rely on others?
What changed? Why does it take longer?I think there was a time when that was so but we live in a different age. If you were warned about society’s changes in your youth and advised marriage could take longer than expected it wouldn’t hurt as much. What you’re experiencing is akin to being blindsided. You’ve believed one thing for years and had to make adjustments and it isn’t easy.
Oh yes, we've done those things. They are good. I don't just sit around. That's why it's frustrating, right? You're living like you otherwise could get married, like people who do get married, & everything is good, only it's still a struggle. We had actually went to the race (I guess I just didn't feel comfortable posting that), & went on a cruise earlier in the year. I wasn't even thinking about getting married on the cruise, I was just kind of taking it all in.All trials are difficult. This is merely the one you’ve been given. What distinguishes its gravity is how you see it and what you focus on. As long as you have a clock before your eyes time moves slowly. But if you asked yourself what you should do today that would be less feasible with a wife and family you may begin to notice it less.
Some time away might be good. Maybe a location overseas or something out of the ordinary like a cruise. There‘s quite a few singles on ships and activities designed for solo travelers. And they’re a lot of fun. Go on some adventures and do the things that wouldn’t appeal to women. You posted about nascar the other day. Go to a race or take lessons. You only live once. See formula one in person. Go to a golf event like the ryder cup. You have a lot of options.
When you spend a lot of time at home you’ll have too much time to think and that’s detrimental if the things you’re focusing on dampen your spirits. A combination of local activities, fellowship, travel and personal interests will help keep the sadness at bay.
Maybe. I still fall into these down-periods & I still struggle w/ the wantOf course you’re not and you’ve matured since your arrival. ;-)
I don't know what this means
Hey that sounds more Biblical Christianity then past stuff you've suggested. I like that. What kind of verses?
I willingly fast very rarely.. I always want to more but don't. It's sad b/c it's very helpful to do.
I do not pray fo them often. It's hard to pray for someone you don't have & may not have.
What changed? Why does it take longer?
We had actually went to the race (I guess I just didn't feel comfortable posting that), & went on a cruise earlier in the year. I wasn't even thinking about getting married on the cruise, I was just kind of taking it all in.
Oh okay that makes sense. Would you say having some big goal is a pre-req for getting married? Otherwise I don't think I will ever get married & this is all working for something else. It doesn't seem like every couple has some big goal.It’s a reference to seasons of life. We’re supposed to live with that in mind. There are things we can do when we’re not encumbered for the Lord and personal enjoyment. Imagine a plate if you will and place your responsibilities upon it. Now consider the same in light of marriage. The majority will remain. Some may be reassigned to your spouse but you’re going to have additions. You don’t have the liberty of time anymore. You have a duty to another and it will increase when you have a family and more is added to your plate in response.
If there’s something you’re interested in now you can explore it without concern. You can delve deeply into a subject because you’re not ignoring someone. You can participate in activities that may not be of interest to a woman. You don’t have the same considerations when you’re alone that you’ll encounter when you’re yoked. And too few take advantage of it.
This is why the bible emphasizes the importance of vision. We need to have a plan for every stage. Which implies a set of goals while you’re single and another you devise with your wife when you’re married with children and one for your golden years when you’re empty nesters. You don’t wing it as you go.
Yes this is all right! I get into good habits & everything seems to be going well & then I stumble. I've fallen horribly right now. Sometimes there's a specific stumbling block, sometimes it's just hard doing it alone (I don't think you're always meant to do it alone, it messes you up, you have the Lord, but w/out another person, it leads to self-righteousness. I was going to post something about that in that hermit thread yesterday but didn't. Being a Christian alone leads to self-righteousness)Declarations are biblical and another word for the same. You apply the word to circumstances and pray it back. “I am” reinforces our godly essence of being made in His image. We don’t affirm our thoughts and feelings when they contradict the truth. We acknowledge them and counter with the word. And eventually the admissions will decrease and we’ll meet them with scripture and ignore them. That doesn’t happen overnight but you’ll notice a difference with constancy.
The purpose of the practice is alignment and strengthening our armor. We’re attacked in different ways based on the weaknesses the devil perceives. That’s why lying to ourselves is bad. Confronting the problem allows us to address it spiritually by using the Lord’s solution. Words carry a lot of weight spiritually. Life and death is in the power of the tongue. Life is found in agreeing with Him. But when we do otherwise we’re hurting ourselves.
Broaching it from three positions is ideal. We ask for insight from the Lord and give attention to those areas. We observe our behaviors and struggles and address them similarly. And we look at the areas of attack. The things that make us doubt or reject the truth or elicit fears and we handle them the same.
Visualize a fortress if you will. There’s always a weak point in the wall. That’s where he attacks. While you’re noticing what he says consider what never comes up. That’s usually a place of strength or one you’re not susceptible for temptation. You’re on solid ground in those areas and it can be increased if you’re willing.
Sometimes I am not sure if fasting is a form of self-flagellation or trying to manipulate God & when the Bible talks about fasting, it doesn't mean like doing it b/c you want to get married, but, like, unplanned circumstances. Like I've really fallen now & have had just a couple apples the past few days. Wasn't planned.Why don’t you do it? You have a problem you’re trying to surmount that makes you sad. If I felt like you I’d do it weekly or more for my peace of mind in addition to its accomplishment. Your pain is a form of warfare and must be handled in kind. You have to fight it through prayer and fasting.
What does this mean? I think just b/c you pray about getting married, it doesn't mean you will get married (doesn't mean God is mean, just working something better for you)Don’t take this the wrong way. But what are they teaching you at church? Are you not aware that your prayers are directed to the intended and stored up in heaven?
The church group I go to very rarely does activities like that. Why should they? The marrieds who lead it all got married & partnered up & had children, they don't see a need to socialize like that or are busy w/ kids I guess, they got what they wanted & it's done.The biggest impediment for christians in this period is the lack of networks and involvement from their loved ones. You’re going it alone when most people met through shared experiences or someone they were connected to like the article @Richard T shared. Women would discuss this amongst their friends and if their son was single and someone knew a girl who was as well they’d arrange for them to meet.
Our friend groups are smaller now. We had more acquaintances in the past and activities that drew us together. The church had a lot of events when we were growing up and we were catholic. We had dances, skating parties, trips out of state, holiday gatherings, picnics and so on. Our fellowship was fun. It wasn’t about bible study or small groups and there’s nothing wrong with that. But we had a social outlet you’re lacking and forced to find on your own.
I've expressed my desire to be married to a couple older-generation friends at church & talk to them about it. They encourage me to keep trying but don't matchmake. I've told them I wouldn't go on a forced-date. (but I wish they'd nudge me a certain direction)Older people were notorious matchmakers. They’d whisper in your ear and nudge you towards someone. But I don’t think that happens too much unless you’re in a setting with church mothers where the practice is common. We can mention feminism and societal changes and while they played a part the shift in christian culture had a greater impact. And a lot of parents are uninvolved and assume you don’t want their help and give you space out of respect. But coming clean is best and you never who they’re connected to that may know someone.
A single guy can't join those things w/out coming off across as creepy. It's a good suggestion tho. I found in the past when I would try non-Christian events, it was all non-Christians.There’s travel groups for singles of all ages and you may want to see if christian ones exist.
Maybe you should take up gardening or go to a homesteading conference. You‘d be amazed how many women are looking for that. They’re watching cooking and bread making videos and dreaming of the same. It may sound funny at first glance but there’s a lot of christians there and being home is the goal. And a lot of them want to homeschool too. ;-)
If traditional values are a priority that’s going to weed out a lot. It doesn’t mean there’s no one in those spaces but there’s a culture around homesteading that’s decidedly christian and traditional and they believe in community. It’s part of the lifestyle.
Oh okay that makes sense. Would you say having some big goal is a pre-req for getting married? Otherwise I don't think I will ever get married & this is all working for something else. It doesn't seem like every couple has some big goal.
Yes this is all right! I get into good habits & everything seems to be going well & then I stumble. I've fallen horribly right now.
Sometimes I am not sure if fasting is a form of self-flagellation or trying to manipulate God & when the Bible talks about fasting,
What does this mean? I think just b/c you pray about getting married, it doesn't mean you will get married (doesn't mean God is mean, just working something better for you)
The church group I go to very rarely does activities like that. Why should they? The marrieds who lead it all got married & partnered up & had children, they don't see a need to socialize like that or are busy w/ kids I guess, they got what they wanted & it's done.
I go to Sunday School but the single men talk w/ the single men (& married men) & the single women talk w/ the single women (& married women). There's no mix.
I'll tell you what's spurred me falling into the pit: the singles in the group are starting to find partners outside the church. I was afraid of this happening, & it is. The Singles who were content w/ waiting but desire to get married are starting to get restless. Maybe there'll be one who doesn't?
I've expressed my desire to be married to a couple older-generation friends at church & talk to them about it. They encourage me to keep trying but don't matchmake. I've told them I wouldn't go on a forced-date. (but I wish they'd nudge me a certain direction)
My parents are hard to talk about w/ this. They think it s/b easy. I think they're clueless. They don't understand the concept one wouldn't be interested in you. (I wonder does the Father see it that way, that one should be interested in you? How much more does the Father love you then your parents)
A single guy can't join those things w/out coming off across as creepy. It's a good suggestion tho. I found in the past when I would try non-Christian events, it was all non-Christians.
Anyways thanks for talking. It helps just to have a ear <3
We use cookies and similar technologies for the following purposes:
Do you accept cookies and these technologies?
We use cookies and similar technologies for the following purposes:
Do you accept cookies and these technologies?