Trusting people

[llghoney]

I have a hard time trusting others with my baby. Especially if it is those who I really don't care to be around. The in-laws are specific people. I know that is her grandparents & knew before I had her I would not let them be alone with her but just being around them with her makes me nervous. Does anyone else ever feel this way? Also, do grandparetns have rights?

 

[Redguard]

Do you mean if we feel that way about general people, or our in-laws specifically?

I think I've heard recently of a set of grandparents fighting for rights of access to their grandchildren. I can't remember what the basis of it was, but I know that there was something recently.

I trust my parents and my wife's parents.

There are certain relatives, however, that would not be trusted. But that's mostly due to the type of activities that they engage in. It's also based on our observations on how they've managed to raise their kids.

 

[Birbitt]

I feel the same way about my in-laws, and I refuse to leave my children alone with in-laws, I will provide for visits when both hubby and I can be present. As far as grandparents having legal rights I don't know but I do know that even if the in-laws sued me for access to my child I would fight tooth and nail to prevent anything that I'm not comfortable with. Honestly my advice to you is to do what you think is right for both you, and your family. If the in-laws don't like it oh well, and if they take you to court, then you fight it and show the courts why you don't like her around them....you'd be surprised what a judge will do, unless you are just being spiteful a judge will usually agree with the mother.

 

[gracepaints]

In the US, generally speaking, no, they do not have rights. They see their grandchildren with the good will of the children's parents - just like anyone else.

I think it is normal to feel protective of your baby. My great-grandmother-in-law ALWAYS made me anxious when she was around my baby.

 

[peace in the vally]

Yes There Are Such Things As Grandparent Rights. My Mom Tried To Get Them When My Sister Refused To Let Her See My Niece Because She Left Her At Home (in Orgon) While She Ran A Couple Blocks Down To The Liquor Store. To This Day You Ask Her And All She Says It Well She Was Sleeping Its Not Like I Did It While She Was Awake....i Don't Trust My Dd With My Mom, Not Even For A Few Hours.

 

[llghoney]

Do you mean if we feel that way about general people, or our in-laws specifically?


There are certain relatives, however, that would not be trusted. But that's mostly due to the type of activities that they engage in. It's also based on our observations on how they've managed to raise their kids.

I was meaning realatives really. People who think they have rights to see your child or take them for a few hours or what not.

What if you didn't trust your in-laws?

Honestly my advice to you is to do what you think is right for both you, and your family. If the in-laws don't like it oh well, and if they take you to court, then you fight it and show the courts why you don't like her around them....you'd be surprised what a judge will do, unless you are just being spiteful a judge will usually agree with the mother.

That's where issues come in because of my husband. THinking they are good people so to speak when they have drinking issues.

Yes There Are Such Things As Grandparent Rights. My Mom Tried To Get Them When My Sister Refused To Let Her See My Niece Because She Left Her At Home (in Orgon) While She Ran A Couple Blocks Down To The Liquor Store. To This Day You Ask Her And All She Says It Well She Was Sleeping Its Not Like I Did It While She Was Awake....i Don't Trust My Dd With My Mom, Not Even For A Few Hours.

What are the rights? And without getting into tmi I don't know what would happen if my hubby & I seperated with him and letting his parents watch her.

 

[lovesbrightpink]

well we dont have kids yet but my husband already knows that his parents will not have our kids over night ever ever ever, his mother has a bad back and his dad refuses to change diapers never has not even for his own children, they fight too much around the current grandchildren and they think its funny when my neice slams her baby brother against the wall...

They also brought my neice and nephew home after a day out with them really dirty, they didnt even wipe their faces....

My sister in law will never be aloud to be alone with my kids, ever...ever...

I have no problem with anyone in my family.

Oh and his grandma will not be left alone with them either, she took it apon herself to feed my 3 month old nephew baby food because" he really wanted to eat it"...when my sister in law left them alone with her.

its sad but honestly you HAVE to do whats best for your children. I know my thoughts are only to protect my future children.

 

[lovesbrightpink]

If you did divorce you could have it put into your custody agreement that your child will not be aloud to be alone with them at any time do to drinking in their home, if he goes against the custody agreement then he could lose visitation all together.

 

[mychildsmissionary]

I actually see some other issues at play here other than the trust issue with the inlaws. If you and your husband are having problems in your marriage, that is a priority over anything having to do with the inlaws or the child. The marriage relationship must take priority over a relationship with anyone else. My advice is to communicate your concerns with your husband re his parents, and if communication with each other is not working, then a third party counselor (ie, pastor or something) would be in order.

Concentrate on your marriage. If the inlaws want the baby in the meantime, tell them you will invite them over for dinner (so the visit can be supervised), otherwise your focus right now needs to be on your immediate family. Then find a trusted babysitter so you and your husband can reignite what attracted you to each other to begin with.

 

[GolfingMom]

I actually see some other issues at play here other than the trust issue with the inlaws. If you and your husband are having problems in your marriage, that is a priority over anything having to do with the inlaws or the child. The marriage relationship must take priority over a relationship with anyone else. My advice is to communicate your concerns with your husband re his parents, and if communication with each other is not working, then a third party counselor (ie, pastor or something) would be in order.

Concentrate on your marriage. If the inlaws want the baby in the meantime, tell them you will invite them over for dinner (so the visit can be supervised), otherwise your focus right now needs to be on your immediate family. Then find a trusted babysitter so you and your husband can reignite what attracted you to each other to begin with.

 

[llghoney]

I actually see some other issues at play here other than the trust issue with the inlaws. If you and your husband are having problems in your marriage, that is a priority over anything having to do with the inlaws or the child. The marriage relationship must take priority over a relationship with anyone else. My advice is to communicate your concerns with your husband re his parents, and if communication with each other is not working, then a third party counselor (ie, pastor or something) would be in order.

Concentrate on your marriage. If the inlaws want the baby in the meantime, tell them you will invite them over for dinner (so the visit can be supervised), otherwise your focus right now needs to be on your immediate family. Then find a trusted babysitter so you and your husband can reignite what attracted you to each other to begin with.

Without going into details again the marriage part is another subject I was wanting advice or others who may have the same situtaion. Didn't want this thread to be on my marriage. He knows how I feel about his parents he knew before we married, but like I said he thinks they have no problem. Ugg there I go talking about the marriage. But yeah I just wouldn't want his parents having her if something happened.

 

[tiredwalker]

If you are uncomfortable, don't do it. I don't care if it is your own parents or his, don't do it. I love my ILs, but I'm a little uncomfortable leaving her with them for an extended period of time, 30 minutes tops. They are good folks, but the woman didn't burp her and she threw up everywhere! I know that's nothing like being vindictive about relationship issues, leaving her alone, or being neglegent, but really, come on. I will just make sure that I blame it on myself infront of them. If they said they would take care of her so we could get away for the night, I'd just tell them that my umbilical cord still doesn't stretch that far. End of story.

She's your baby; you do what you need to protect her! You're a good mama.

 

[Birbitt]

The best advice I can give is to talk to your hubby, tell him how you feel and explain that even though he trusts them you would feel better if someone was with them when she was around. Make it seem more like you being a protective mom rather than a nagging wife (not that I'm saying you are it's just an illustration) he may be more receptive that way.

 

[Macx]

If you are uncomfortable take whatever measures you need to to feel comfortable. Due to some of the stuff we have been through, we are very, very cautious for anyone to handle our child. We believe in instinct, it is natural and generally it is good.

If we are talking public, we had a scare with a waitress. She wanted to hold ourt child and we humored her & then she "just kidding" made like she wasn;'t going to give her back. My hand was hovering very close to the snap on my pistol holster. The waitress gave our child back and didn't realize how close she came to decorating the walls. It really wigged us out, nobody outside the family and M.D. has handled her since.

Within the family, there is one family member who may (high probability) have been abused by the same abuser who abused one of us. Just to be safe we don't let that individual alone or change diapers unsupervised with our child. Our generation has to be the last to have gone through that in our family.

 

[heart of peace]

In general with grandparents' rights, there would have to have been an established relationship with the child in question for the grandparents' case to have a leg to stand on (and that includes regular attempts at establishing a relationship including sending regular letters, phone calls and/or gifts if the parents refuse access to the child).

I'm not at all comfortable with the family I grew up with watching my child out of my presence. But the issues that cause me to feel that way drive a very deep wedge between us in many other areas of life. I have since moved closer to my in-laws (whom I trust). I thankfully don't have to be put in the awkward situation of having to explain why they wouldn't be able to babysit for me.

Regarding the idea of trusting people in general, I really have tried to learn how to be aware of my instincts and I usually honor those instincts. I loved the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker, it was an awesome read about how humans have this tendency of rationalizing away their instincts and end up opening themselves to attacks.

 

[llghoney]

I think he knows that I won't allow her to be alone with them but I just will cringe when they have to even hold her in my presence & stuff. To make a long story short his mom has only been to our house 3 times in 10 yrs and now they want to come over all the time.

 

[Robinsegg]

I have a bil that I wouldn't trust my children alone with . . . or with him and his wife. It's not a sexual abuse thing, but I've seen him verbally bully other kids whose parents weren't with them at the time. I won't have it, and his wife (hubby's sister) won't stand up to him.

If it's an issue where your in-laws want to be at your house all the time, all of a sudden . . . set up scheduled visits. We go to my parents house once per week and his parents house once per week.
Are you afraid your mil will drop your daughter if she holds her? Or is this a case of projection, 'cause your relationship to mil isn't good? What is your real concern if you and hubby are present?

If you have major concerns about his parents, maybe it would be good for you to list what you see as good & bad about them. Obviously, they seem to love being grandparents (good). They drink (bad).
Could you talk to hubby about the issue w/o painting your in-laws as bad people? He obviously thinks their good people (having grown up in that environment), and you're unlikely to change his mind. However, if you could say "sure, your parents are nice people . . . but I have concerns about x, y, and z" it might work out better?

Rachel

 

[llghoney]

I've done that saying they are nice people but the alcohol is a major concern with my child. I mean they live a hour away & they do drink while driving so how am I to know they haven't been drinking before they come? I don't, so it kinda scares me. No they may not be plastered but a few drinks is a few too many with my child.

 

[Robinsegg]

I've done that saying they are nice people but the alcohol is a major concern with my child. I mean they live a hour away & they do drink while driving so how am I to know they haven't been drinking before they come? I don't, so it kinda scares me. No they may not be plastered but a few drinks is a few too many with my child.

Does hubby feel this way about being "buzzed" in his home? Is this a major disagreement between you? If he *does* agree, make a house rule that no one intoxicated may be in your home. If his parents don't follow this, hubby will have to enforce the rule. They will have to decide if drinking is more important than their grandchild.

If hubby doesn't agree . . . if baby is really small, maybe you could put baby in a sling and have mil sit down with baby in sling? This would keep her from dropping your baby. What is your major concern here? Is it dropping the baby? or is there something else I'm missing?
Rachel

 

[Hadassah]

I am having to face this myself. My brother in particular. Love him to peices but his lifestyle is dangerous, not just to him -- but the family in particular due to his choices and where we live (very hostile to cross-dressing, transgender, though there is a fairly large community north of us)...

I want my son to know his uncle, but I will be guarded in our visits, and I think they will only be at my parents and sister's home where the rules are basically already set -- He's my parent's son not daughter, and my sister's brother -- not sister.. so he is to come that way, not as "her/she".

My inlaws, right now I am not trusting with food issues, but when he's on table food I will be better equipped for him to stay over alone with them. Right now I feel they are not respecting us on the choice to delay solids and I did see my MIL sneak him a taste of carrots last saturday. (it's on camera too, so I will show DH later.)

I'm not so concerned I'd remove family from the picture at the moment, BUT I will make sure either DH or I are present in those two situations I mentioned. Otherwise, We're ok.