Trust and commitment

[Jackisanotreal]

So is it wrong for me to expect my wife to check in with me while is on a road trip? I have decided not to call or text her because in the past she thought I was being overprotective and controlling. Because I would mention watch for severe weather, say be careful, ask to be told where she was going etc... And her response would be that she is a grown adult and has traveled before she met me. Am I just settling after many many years of marriage that we are too different? Everytime she would take a trip I pack snacks, leave cash in the car, make sure car is filled with gas, etc. Do I not have a right to be concerned? And yes I realize one can worry to much. If I was gone for 6 days, I would be calling home every night. I just feel that there is no respect and it makes me not very loving. And that I deserve better.

 

[R. Hartono]

And her response would be that she is a grown adult and has traveled before she met me.

Tell her its not about her being a grown up adult, its about THAT YOU CARE ! and that feeling should be reciprocable.

 

[Paidiske]

It's not wrong of you to want it, but it might be wrong of you to expect it. Expectations need to be negotiated, not imposed by one spouse on the other.

FWIW, when I'm away I don't call every day, and don't feel a need to. If my husband told me he was hurt that I didn't, I would, though, because I care about his feelings. But if he tried to demand it, I'd remind him that he doesn't have the right to make demands.

 

[HannahT]

Many people travel for business, etc. Checking in most nights - although not all nights - seems to be a norm.

Yet, you seem to be a worry wart...and that seems to be annoying her with the way you deal with that. It's nice that you do those things for her prior to her trip. It really is. It's sweet actually. Yet, it also sounds to me like she feels smothered by the way you do it. Remember you were 'different' before you married, and you will remain that way. That's human.

You have already acknowledge the 'worrying' part that you can take to far, but then project those feelings into you not being respected because you don't like her reaction to them. Remember that is a two way street! Are you respecting her feelings of you being a tad over the top? Think about that part. She maybe feeling the same way. Your at a in pass! Now what do you do with that?

I have NO doubt you have the best intentions, but you need to sit with those feelings...and find a way to better deal with them. There are tips and tricks to deal with that type of anxiety that people use everyday. You are taking this personally, but you aren't looking outside your circle of view. No one wants to call home, and feel they are getting the third degree! They want a normal conversation about normal things.

Being concerned - which of course is your right - and being over the top concerned? lol she is pointing out the difference to you, and your not listening. No one is asking you to turn that off, because that is impossible. Yet, I remember my father being a worry wort too. He forced himself into learning to deal with this better, and it actually improved his health. That's a great stressor (the worrying) on your body. Did you know that?

I remember Dad used to joke to us, "You know me. If there wasn't something to worry about....I would worry about that too!" He acknowledged things, and there were times in which we felt better about helping him deal with those feelings. It wasn't our job to do that - it was his. Yet, your more inclined to go with the flow when he acknowledged this aspect of his life.

I have no doubt Dad was worse than you! lol and so you can do it if he can! Your view of life is much better and happier then. Then you learn to embrace those 'differences' between you and your wife.

 

[snoochface]

Whenever my husband or I travel without each other, we check in. If it's a super-busy trip, it might just be a phone call at night, but we'll text throughout the day too. Just checking in, do you need anything, I miss you, I love you, that kind of thing. It would be very odd, in our relationship, to not check in at least once a day. It's not a controlling, "I can do this without your help thanks" kind of dynamic. That sounds hostile from the get-go. It's an, "I love you and miss you, want you to know I'm okay, and want to know if you're okay" dynamic. It sounds like that's what you want with your wife, but she is of the former mindset. There has to be a compromise here, a middle ground you can both feel comfortable with.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Once a year I go away for a week with my family simply because my parents, who are mostly retired, have a very flexible schedule and the means to travel several times a year and my husband can only get a certain number of vacation hours a year. He has told me that as long as they keep inviting me that I should go and enjoy myself, while he will pick which of the vacations he can make.

Now granted, I have issues that make my husband more nervous when I’m away, but my husband can get really, really, really overly anxious and that manifests in a level of checking up on me that can look or even feel suffocating. It used to make me nuts, actually.

But once I realized his motivations, and once I reassured him that I was with my family (trustworthy people) should there be a problem, we found the middle ground. We text non-stop all day as it is (last month we sent 14,000 texts to each other apparently!), but when I’m away, be he knows if I don’t call, I’m ok, I’m just probably asleep or out late or cell reception is bad or my phone is dead or whatever whereas before he’d panic. I also know that while it feels silly to text him confirming I’m at where I say I’m at, be just wants me to say I’m ok.

So find your middle ground with each other and don’t take having to compromise on the issue so personally.

 

[turkle]

So is it wrong for me to expect my wife to check in with me while is on a road trip? I have decided not to call or text her because in the past she thought I was being overprotective and controlling. Because I would mention watch for severe weather, say be careful, ask to be told where she was going etc... And her response would be that she is a grown adult and has traveled before she met me. Am I just settling after many many years of marriage that we are too different? Everytime she would take a trip I pack snacks, leave cash in the car, make sure car is filled with gas, etc. Do I not have a right to be concerned? And yes I realize one can worry to much. If I was gone for 6 days, I would be calling home every night. I just feel that there is no respect and it makes me not very loving. And that I deserve better.

If your conversation is about you telling her to watch for severe weather (don't you think she knows to do this herself?) and other unsolicited advice, then I don't blame her for avoiding contact. She is a big girl and can figure the basics out for herself without you nagging her. She says that you are controlling, and my guess is that you are and she wants a break from it when she's away. I don't blame her. You seem to feel that you are entitled to this conversation because you have earned it by packing snacks and other things.

This is not about your rights or what you deserve. This is about a loving way to communicate versus an annoying one. If you treat her like a child, then she's not going to want to talk with you. If you are acting like a controller, then she will avoid you.

My husband travels all over the world on business about 25 weeks out of the year. We facetime twice a day, every day, unless he's in a meeting or on a plane. The purpose of our conversation is not so that I can warn him about anything, it's so we can stay connected as a couple in a loving way just as we do at home. But if he felt entitled to boss me around as you seem to do, then the frequency of those calls would be dramatically less.

Less entitlement. More love and care.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

My husband and I check in when we're away from each other, simply because we miss each other's company. I see both sides of the issue here. You have every right to be concerned, and I can also see where she might feel belittled and smothered if you show *too much* concern. It would be best to find a way to communicate "I love and miss you and am concerned," without communicating, "I don't think you can handle yourself on your own."

 

[snoochface]

I feel like there's a lot of overreacting to the weather thing going on. When I was traveling on a house hunting trip to an area of the country I was unfamiliar with, my husband texted me to tell me of storms moving into the area. I appreciated this 1) because I didn't have a forecast in front of me while I was driving all over the city, and 2) because it alerted me that he was concerned about me. It's such an easy thing for me to say thank you to him for. He was looking out for me, and I also knew that if I was scheduled to be somewhere at 2:00 and he hadn't heard from me by 5:00 when he knew I was driving in an unfamiliar area in a big storm, there might be cause for concern. It's a loving thing to check in to say you got there safely. I sure didn't take it as him thinking I couldn't manage without his intervention. That's so hostile. Why would that be anyone's first reaction?

 

[Paidiske]

Why would that be anyone's first reaction?

If there is a pattern of slightly controlling behaviour, and this is just one instance, maybe?

 

[Jackisanotreal]

Lots of good thoughts here. First definitely not controlling. I think like a few have said we are different people. She grew up as teen on her own alot and then traveled alot in college domestically and abroad. So yes she has traveled alot way. I think it is compromise but its not a demand of her to let me know that she got to the hotel or her itinerary. That is an expectation that I believe a married couple should have. It is respect. She is an adult but she is not single. Neither am I. My own view is that when your in a relationship its commonsense to let someone know that hey I got to the hotel. Have a goodnight. How many times do we say to someone have a safe trip? Yet I cant do that to her? Concern and controlling are two different things. She is overly independent because of her past. Which great but when you marry its all about compromise and one person shouldn't have to do all the compromising. The last 2 years I have not bothered her once on trips to see her family, etc... I still prepped the car and all the normal stuff but did not say anything about weather, etc and let her text me or call me.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

So is it wrong for me to expect my wife to check in with me while is on a road trip? I have decided not to call or text her because in the past she thought I was being overprotective and controlling. Because I would mention watch for severe weather, say be careful, ask to be told where she was going etc... And her response would be that she is a grown adult and has traveled before she met me. Am I just settling after many many years of marriage that we are too different? Everytime she would take a trip I pack snacks, leave cash in the car, make sure car is filled with gas, etc. Do I not have a right to be concerned? And yes I realize one can worry to much. If I was gone for 6 days, I would be calling home every night. I just feel that there is no respect and it makes me not very loving. And that I deserve better.

My husband and I had this "battle"...it only happened once. I went on a road trip with a couple of friends and he started some mess about driving so far, blah, blah, blah. Is she grown? Has she been on her own before she met you? Is she a fairly good driver? If so, then stop being "daddy" here.

I was driving all over hell and back long before I met my husband. I had more experience in long distance driving than he did when we married...even now it's nothing for me to jump in the car and take off for LA or San Diego or Denver (all 6 to 12 hour drives) when the mood strikes. He learned...don't EVEN pull that paternal act on me. Maybe you need to chill out too.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

On the flip side, if my husband just jumped in the car and drove 6-12 hours away I would murder him. There is a happy medium between the two extremes.