Trouble With Niece

[shohana]

I recently found out that my niece is in love with my boyfriend. She had wrote down in her notebook that she was going to get him alone, kiss him, steal his heart, and then run away with him. This was defistating to read from my own niece, because I am the only person in my family who has not given up on her. I've shared my insecurities about my boyfriend leaving me, and even shared with her that other girls have tried to take him from me. All I can think of is how she has lied to me and betrayed me. Then recently found out that she kissed him on the cheek, and while that's nothing I suppose, the fact she wrote these things down trouble me.

My boyfriend has a mental disorder, so he isn't able to express his emotions as best as we can because he has MPD(Multiple Personality Disorder). So when he expresses his emotions it can come off like he cares a little too much. My niece is insecure and obsessed with the idea of love and having love too. He is also Christian, and he wants to love and care for people selflessly, and to someone so desperate for attention and love, that can come off to her as if he is romantically in love with her, I guess. She's only 11, but I just don't know how to approach the situation at all.. I don't want to be mad at her, but it's so hard to be around her now, knowing what I know.. That feeling of being lied to and betrayed gets in the way. It's breaking my heart each and every day that goes by that I don't say anything..

What should I do? I hate how I feel about this..

 

[seashale76]

Where are her parents? She sounds like she doesn't have enough good parenting in her life. She's also eleven. Rule number one- never take anything personally when it comes to a child. You can't hold grudges against an eleven-year-old, especially as they're still developing physically and mentally. You're an adult and she isn't. ALWAYS keep that in mind.

 

[true2theword]

I recently found out that my niece is in love with my boyfriend. She had wrote down in her notebook that she was going to get him alone, kiss him, steal his heart, and then run away with him. This was defistating to read from my own niece, because I am the only person in my family who has not given up on her. I've shared my insecurities about my boyfriend leaving me, and even shared with her that other girls have tried to take him from me. All I can think of is how she has lied to me and betrayed me. Then recently found out that she kissed him on the cheek, and while that's nothing I suppose, the fact she wrote these things down trouble me.

My boyfriend has a mental disorder, so he isn't able to express his emotions as best as we can because he has MPD(Multiple Personality Disorder). So when he expresses his emotions it can come off like he cares a little too much. My niece is insecure and obsessed with the idea of love and having love too. He is also Christian, and he wants to love and care for people selflessly, and to someone so desperate for attention and love, that can come off to her as if he is romantically in love with her, I guess. She's only 11, but I just don't know how to approach the situation at all.. I don't want to be mad at her, but it's so hard to be around her now, knowing what I know.. That feeling of being lied to and betrayed gets in the way. It's breaking my heart each and every day that goes by that I don't say anything..

What should I do? I hate how I feel about this..

MPD is almost always a result of satanic ritual abuse, or simply traumatic abuse as a child, I would stay clear of him and his family

if that is unacceptable why don't each of you choose a personality and both date him, people with MPD need serious therapy to be brought back togather


I just seen your niece is only 11, good grief! is this guy with MPD also a pedophile that you need to be worried what an 11 year old might make him do

 

[shohana]

Where are her parents?

Her mother abandoned her at the age of 3, and her father cares too much about playing video games and his own girlfriend to even pay any attention to her. As soon as he moved in with me, he never did anything with her, talked to her, gave her things she needed, nothing. He obviously expected me to take care of her for him. He did that to my grandmother, which is where he moved away from. So I guess I'm taking my grandmother's place by raising her. It's not that I mind, I love her to death, and consider my own daughter.. which I guess is why this hurts so bad.

I know she is a child and that I'm the adult, however I just don't know what to say to her, because I do believe something at least should be said. It isn't healthy, mentally, for her to be going after older men like that, and especially disregarding loyalties to family members. I mean.. am I over thinking this? I'm not a mother, I've never raised a kid, I've hardly been around children. I don't know what to do, but I do feel the need for some intervention of some sort to help her grow mentally healthy.

 

[shohana]

MPD is almost always a result of satanic ritual abuse, or simply traumatic abuse as a child, I would stay clear of him and his family

It was do to traumatic events in his childhood. I cannot stay clear of him, and his family is normal.

He was simply mistreated by some of them while he was growing up. I cannot abandon him where everyone else has, I love him, and it would be wrong of me to abandon him as a person and as a Christian.

if that is unacceptable why don't each of you choose a personality and both date him, people with MPD need serious therapy to be brought back togather

He is 25, and she is 11 years old, that's pedophilia, and he nor his personalities want to be with her like that. He only cares for her as an family member would.

 

[Forealzchola]

I dont think that you should worry too much about your niece if shes only eleven years old. If she starts getting inappropriate which some children that age can then do not allow her around your boyfriend. And ps. stop confiding in a child about adult matters. God bless.

 

[seashale76]

Her mother abandoned her at the age of 3, and her father cares too much about playing video games and his own girlfriend to even pay any attention to her. As soon as he moved in with me, he never did anything with her, talked to her, gave her things she needed, nothing. He obviously expected me to take care of her for him. He did that to my grandmother, which is where he moved away from. So I guess I'm taking my grandmother's place by raising her. It's not that I mind, I love her to death, and consider my own daughter.. which I guess is why this hurts so bad.

I know she is a child and that I'm the adult, however I just don't know what to say to her, because I do believe something at least should be said. It isn't healthy, mentally, for her to be going after older men like that, and especially disregarding loyalties to family members. I mean.. am I over thinking this? I'm not a mother, I've never raised a kid, I've hardly been around children. I don't know what to do, but I do feel the need for some intervention of some sort to help her grow mentally healthy.

Ah! Now this is making more sense. Don't try to be her friend. I know you'd rather be the cool aunt, but you're now acting in loco parentis. I would not mention this if it came from her diary. However, it sounds like this girl is still developing her sense of self and morality (which is still common for this age), and you can definitely work on that. Unfortunately, it sounds like she has some major issues to overcome due to terrible parenting. The chances of this girl having achieved secure attachment when younger sounds slim, to me. This will have influenced her development.

I'm going to recommend a few things for you to do. (I taught her age group for twelve years- so I know eleven-year-olds.)

1) This kid needs rules, structure, and consistency in enforcing that from you. It will not be easy. However, you must persevere and not give in or give up. Learn about the authoritative parenting style. This is NOT the same as an authoritarian parenting style. You also want to avoid a permissive parenting style. Always be calm with her. You're the adult and you need to remember that, no matter what she says or does.

2) Get involved at her school and get to know her teachers. Phone calls, e-mail, whatever. Anything is good. Ask them if they have free counseling services (most schools can recommend services).

3) Put her in counseling ASAP. Get her father to go, and regardless of if he goes or not, you go. Everyone needs counseling here.

4) Buy some books on developmental psychology. Even textbooks would be good. There's one called: Exploring Lifespan Development, 2nd ed. by Laura E. Berk, that's pretty good. You need to learn about where this kid is in life, where she'll be soon, and what can influence her in good and bad ways. Texts like this can really shed light on a lot of things we usually take for granted, and can give you a good idea of how to help her. Pearson - Exploring Lifespan Development, 2/E - Laura E. Berk

5) Never, under any circumstances, let your relationship troubles and difficulties effect this kid.

 

[Life2Christ]

So when he expresses his emotions it can come off like he cares a little too much.

I'm concerned about this. Is he leading her on in some ways? She's 11 years old and knows no better. She's only a kid and is going to act like a foolish person. But him..I wonder. Hope you are not making excuses for him. I'm only inquiring and playing devil's advocate.

 

[true2theword]

I'm concerned about this. Is he leading her on in some ways? She's 11 years old and knows no better. She's only a kid and is going to act like a foolish person. But him..I wonder. Hope you are not making excuses for him. I'm only inquiring and playing devil's advocate.

just the fact that she's worried about it is what worries me, if I was 25 and my girlfriend had an 11 yr old niece who had a crush on me, I would really be insulted to think she had concerns about the possibility of somthing happening

 

[shohana]

I'm concerned about this. Is he leading her on in some ways? She's 11 years old and knows no better. She's only a kid and is going to act like a foolish person. But him..I wonder. Hope you are not making excuses for him. I'm only inquiring and playing devil's advocate.

I was concerned about this too. He wrote a letter to her that was quite troubling to me. He explained it, and said he was simply not thinking clearly and that it was taken completely wrong. However, he described some dream to her in the letter such as; a world where he could have someone to trust and love him unconditionally. He said that it could never be me, and he wishes it was her. He swore to me that it was not a romantic love, but he only wanted her to care for him like a daughter/father would. She had kissed his cheek, but he didn't say he did anything about it either other than ask her what she's doing.

One of his personalities had written her a letter that was a bit more explicit, but he said the reason his personalty wrote it was a way of getting back at me for not paying attention to it, or getting back at me for things I did in the past. I was struggling to believe it, but my niece hasn't said a thing about him doing anything to her, but then again she never admitted the kiss thing either. I don't want to say I don't trust him, because I do. Still though, those things seem strange to me. In the letter his personality wrote to her, he said something about how her kiss tasted, and how he wishes he was her age so that they could be together.. but you really have to keep in mind his mental condition. He swore up and down he did nothing, his brother even said that he would never do anything like that to anyone. My boyfriend said he would rather kill himself than to harm me or my niece, so with that being said, I don't think he did anything. It's just too contradictory to his personality/nature.

Because of the letter he was sent to the hospital for a psychological eval, and also defacs (children and family services) was contacted. They demanded he go to therapy, and we're trying to get him in asap.

I'm so stressed out from all of it though.. and am at a loss.. He's been crying at night like someone has died.. and I don't think it's normal to cry about it like that.. I just keep praying that someone will help me figure all of this out.

 

[seashale76]

I was concerned about this too. He wrote a letter to her that was quite troubling to me. He explained it, and said he was simply not thinking clearly and that it was taken completely wrong. However, he described some dream to her in the letter such as; a world where he could have someone to trust and love him unconditionally. He said that it could never be me, and he wishes it was her. He swore to me that it was not a romantic love, but he only wanted her to care for him like a daughter/father would. She had kissed his cheek, but he didn't say he did anything about it either other than ask her what she's doing.

One of his personalities had written her a letter that was a bit more explicit, but he said the reason his personalty wrote it was a way of getting back at me for not paying attention to it, or getting back at me for things I did in the past. I was struggling to believe it, but my niece hasn't said a thing about him doing anything to her, but then again she never admitted the kiss thing either. I don't want to say I don't trust him, because I do. Still though, those things seem strange to me. In the letter his personality wrote to her, he said something about how her kiss tasted, and how he wishes he was her age so that they could be together.. but you really have to keep in mind his mental condition. He swore up and down he did nothing, his brother even said that he would never do anything like that to anyone. My boyfriend said he would rather kill himself than to harm me or my niece, so with that being said, I don't think he did anything. It's just too contradictory to his personality/nature.

Because of the letter he was sent to the hospital for a psychological eval, and also defacs (children and family services) was contacted. They demanded he go to therapy, and we're trying to get him in asap.

I'm so stressed out from all of it though.. and am at a loss.. He's been crying at night like someone has died.. and I don't think it's normal to cry about it like that.. I just keep praying that someone will help me figure all of this out.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?

With every post, you reveal more to this. I'm sorry, but what you're describing is a predator. It's NOT NORMAL for grown men to write letters (much less letters of an explicit nature) to eleven-year-old girls. Don't be naive. Do you realize how many children are molested in this world? DO YOU? It's a lot. It's usually by people they know, and who others think would never do anything. I'll be honest with you- your niece should be more important to you than this guy. Keep this guy far away from her. She lives with you, and it is your responsibility as an adult to protect her.

What you feel about a man you're not even married to should be put on the back burner when you have a child to protect. He's not trustworthy. Get out of that relationship. You're being played for a fool- and if it was just you- then that's on you. However, it's not just you, is it? Don't blame an eleven-year-old when you've got a MESSED UP GROWN MAN going after her.

I'll be honest- I'm angry about this story. When I think of children being screwed over by those who are supposed to love, care, and protect them- I GET ANGRY. Her parents are worthless- and because of their screw ups- she's obviously become a handful. Well, duh! Anyone who has been through what that child has would be difficult! However, you said yourself that the rest of your family has given up on her, like 'poor us, we've done all we can do, but she's just so horrid'. Bollocks! She's ELEVEN! You're in denial, and you need to put your big girl panties on and step up to the plate.

 

[Life2Christ]

This is clearly not a problem with your neice, OP. Please talk to a pastor about this. A little distance from your boyfriend is needed here to get some perspective.

 

[iambren]

11? 25? This is also statutory rape if anything happens. Your boyfriend will go by-by for a very long time.

Your niece is a kid, with a crush (that he may be feeding), and she dreamily wants to spread her wings.

Do you REALLY know what MPD is? As in having a DEEP psychological illness where their personality is fractured into different people? He may have a personality that belongs to you with a deviant personality bent toward involvement with 11-yr old girls. AND amnesia prevents him from knowing EITHER personality.

You are in over your head. Take your niece and bail. You are NOT required by God to stay in ANY relationship or rescue anybody.

 

[BFine]

Your home is a potential breeding ground for that
child to be sexually abused...your boyfriend's letter
to your niece should be shown to his psychiatrist.
His behavior towards her should also be included in
the report.

I highly recommend family counseling for you and your niece--
also, Christian mentoring.

Cut out the shacking up -- REPENT--and stop putting your niece at risk of
being sexually abused.
She is a child and a man has "designs" on her so much so, he has
written her an inappropriate letter of a sexual nature-- you seriously
need to move out!!!
There's no excuse he can give that can make that
situation acceptable-- he is an adult, if he can't distinguish between
what is appropriate and what's not appropriate he isn't able to be in a romantic relationship nor should he be around children...especially ones who are emotionally needy.

The situation in your home is a disaster waiting to happen-- the letter is a strong
warning-- don't ignore it and neither should you trust a man
who is unable to manage himself appropriately around a child.

 

[Angelfrog]

Your home is a potential breeding ground for that
child to be sexually abused...your boyfriend's letter
to your niece should be shown to his psychiatrist.
His behavior towards her should also be included in
the report.

I highly recommend family counseling for you and your niece--
also, Christian mentoring.

Cut out the shacking up -- REPENT--and stop putting your niece at risk of
being sexually abused.
She is a child and a man has "designs" on her so much so, he has
written her an inappropriate letter of a sexual nature-- you seriously
need to move out!!!
There's no excuse he can give that can make that
situation acceptable-- he is an adult, if he can't distinguish between
what is appropriate and what's not appropriate he isn't able to be in a romantic relationship nor should he be around children...especially ones who are emotionally needy.

The situation in your home is a disaster waiting to happen-- the letter is a strong
warning-- don't ignore it and neither should you trust a man
who is unable to manage himself appropriately around a child.

Absolutely this! And I'd echo seashale76 as well!

I know that you feel a lot for this guy- but you CANNOT allow feelings to become excuses when a child is involved. Imagine if something did happen further down the line- how would you live with yourself knowing that you could see the warning signs and did nothing to protect your niece because your romantic feelings were more important to you than her mental and physical safety? That's basically what you're saying, even if it doesn't seem like it, hon.

I know you feel as if you can't 'abandon' him- but God certainly hasn't called you to become an enabler- finding excuses to allow this sort of behaviour to go on unchecked. This is VERY serious- even if he genuinely has no ill intent. I'm sure you can see that what's going on with this poor child is that two adults are putting very inappropriate burdens on her.

On one hand- (I'm sorry, sweetie- I really am... but hard facts).. she has an aunt who has confided things to a little girl that she should be discussing with an adult. Surely you can see how inappropriate and unfair that is to do that to a child. I've worked with enough kids who have been forced into adult emotions that they aren't ready for to see the often heartbreaking results.

On the other hand she's been used as some sort of point scoring piggy in the middle by the same aunt's boyfriend (if you aren't seriously questioning your relationship with a guy who'd use a little girl and her vulnerable emotions to 'get back' at his girlfriend when he's mad with her.... then there's something wrong. Alarm bells should be ringing loudly in your head!)- and he's also writing HIGHLY inappropriate things to her.

Hon- for the love of God (literally) stop being just another adult who is letting her down and immediately act to protect this little girl.

Yes, that may mean stepping back from your relationship- or at least slowing things right down until he is getting the professional help he needs.

Your niece matters far, far more than your love life at this time- even though that's hard to hear.

I feel for you caught in this- and I can see that you have good intentions- but when a child from a vulnerable position is being put in emotional if not physical danger- your priority has GOT to be her well being.

 

[Life2Christ]

.

I'm so stressed out from all of it though.. and am at a loss.. He's been crying at night like someone has died.. and I don't think it's normal to cry about it like that.. I just keep praying that someone will help me figure all of this out.

Could he be crying so hard because he did something he feels guilty about...you need to get to the bottom of this. You are going to be in my thoughts and prayers. May God grant you strength through this.

 

[true2theword]

I was concerned about this too. He wrote a letter to her that was quite troubling to me. He explained it, and said he was simply not thinking clearly and that it was taken completely wrong. However, he described some dream to her in the letter such as; a world where he could have someone to trust and love him unconditionally. He said that it could never be me, and he wishes it was her. He swore to me that it was not a romantic love, but he only wanted her to care for him like a daughter/father would. She had kissed his cheek, but he didn't say he did anything about it either other than ask her what she's doing.

One of his personalities had written her a letter that was a bit more explicit, but he said the reason his personalty wrote it was a way of getting back at me for not paying attention to it, or getting back at me for things I did in the past. I was struggling to believe it, but my niece hasn't said a thing about him doing anything to her, but then again she never admitted the kiss thing either. I don't want to say I don't trust him, because I do. Still though, those things seem strange to me. In the letter his personality wrote to her, he said something about how her kiss tasted, and how he wishes he was her age so that they could be together.. but you really have to keep in mind his mental condition. He swore up and down he did nothing, his brother even said that he would never do anything like that to anyone. My boyfriend said he would rather kill himself than to harm me or my niece, so with that being said, I don't think he did anything. It's just too contradictory to his personality/nature.

Because of the letter he was sent to the hospital for a psychological eval, and also defacs (children and family services) was contacted. They demanded he go to therapy, and we're trying to get him in asap.

I'm so stressed out from all of it though.. and am at a loss.. He's been crying at night like someone has died.. and I don't think it's normal to cry about it like that.. I just keep praying that someone will help me figure all of this out.

and he's suicidal too! wow good thing your young, start taking classes on psychology, because if you stay with your boyfriend its going to be one long crazy ride, I would say the young man has enough to deal with, considering his MPD I would say the emotional rollercoaster of love and relationships is the last thing he needs to be delving into until he can have his mind rejoined, He needs serious medical help, and I'm afriad your not qualified to help him

 

[true2theword]

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?

With every post, you reveal more to this. I'm sorry, but what you're describing is a predator. It's NOT NORMAL for grown men to write letters (much less letters of an explicit nature) to eleven-year-old girls. Don't be naive. Do you realize how many children are molested in this world? DO YOU? It's a lot. It's usually by people they know, and who others think would never do anything. I'll be honest with you- your niece should be more important to you than this guy. Keep this guy far away from her. She lives with you, and it is your responsibility as an adult to protect her.

What you feel about a man you're not even married to should be put on the back burner when you have a child to protect. He's not trustworthy. Get out of that relationship. You're being played for a fool- and if it was just you- then that's on you. However, it's not just you, is it? Don't blame an eleven-year-old when you've got a MESSED UP GROWN MAN going after her.

I'll be honest- I'm angry about this story. When I think of children being screwed over by those who are supposed to love, care, and protect them- I GET ANGRY. Her parents are worthless- and because of their screw ups- she's obviously become a handful. Well, duh! Anyone who has been through what that child has would be difficult! However, you said yourself that the rest of your family has given up on her, like 'poor us, we've done all we can do, but she's just so horrid'. Bollocks! She's ELEVEN! You're in denial, and you need to put your big girl panties on and step up to the plate.

excellent advice! I think a call to the police would be appropriate if he in fact mentioned anything about how a kiss tasted

 

[shohana]

I found out last night that his other personality did kiss her. My niece told me.. I don't want to have him arrested, I love him.. but I can't do this..

Thanks everyone who was giving support, I appreciate it.. To those who accused me of not doing enough, you have no idea. I've been on high alert since we took him to the hospital, and a little before. Or did you seem to forget that? I TOOK him to the hospital to get help. I told department of family and children services what he did and gave them the actual letter he wrote to her. I DID EVERYTHING I COULD. I was told he did nothing, but now i know otherwise.. and something HAS to be done now.

It just breaks my heart.. imagine if it was the person you loved who did that. How would you even feel? I can't believe this is even happening..

I mean after I talked to him about it, he was all nonchalant all "Well at least we know nothing more happened." And I asked why he isn't even upset by it if it was his personality, and he was like "Don't assume I'm not upset." When he was clearly laughing this morning and joking around with me. Something is way wrong..

 

[Life2Christ]

I mean after I talked to him about it, he was all nonchalant all "Well at least we know nothing more happened." And I asked why he isn't even upset by it if it was his personality, and he was like "Don't assume I'm not upset." When he was clearly laughing this morning and joking around with me. Something is way wrong..

Are you sure he has MPD? He could be misdiagnosed. He could Narcissistic Personality Disorder or just be messing with you on another level. I'm glad you realize that your neice is not the one driving this fantasy. And yes, something is way wrong with how he is handling this.