Trouble with Intimacy

[Charleigh Noble]

A year ago, I found out a lot of things about my husband that I never knew. It was heartbreaking and for a while i didn't think we would make it. During our first few years of marriage, my husband said some pretty hurtful (I'm guessing he didn't actually mean for them to be that way) comments about my body, the way I kiss, etc. I was a 100% virgin when I married him, he was 100% not. So these comments destroyed my confidence. In the bedroom and in general. I was so self-conscious. And eventually, we sort of stopped kissing. We did everything else still, but this part of our relationship sort of flat-lined.

Last night, we got into a huge argument over something silly, but it brought everything back up again. After we had it resolved for the most part, he started trying to "make out" with me. We haven't done that in YEARS. Something I used to beg for and he would make me feel silly for it, so I stopped. Of course, this made me super uncomfortable because it had been so long and again, I have zero confidence in that area. So I was not into it. He then got extremely offended and upset about me not wanting to kiss him. Which in all honesty, I really don't. I gave that up a long time ago because he didn't like it and I felt rejected. And now it's painful to even think about it. But now it's on me because I'm the one who doesn't want to kiss him and he doesn't understand any of what I try to tell him about the way he's hurt me in that area. I feel like I'm drawing this out when it could be a short post. Sorry!

I guess I'm just asking for advice on where to go from here. After everything we've walked through, I think I expected a little more grace and understanding from him. But obviously, that's not what's happening. And I'm truly at a loss.

Here is the link to my previous post if you are interested in a little backstory, it's been almost a year since that post, which seems crazy, amazing, and also a little disheartening as I would have hoped that we would be farther along than we are: How to rebuild trust//

 

[tampasteve]

There are many opinions and viewpoints that people will have that may be right or helpful, or not so much. But a good qualified marriage and family counselor would be best suited to work with the two of you on these issues.



*I might sound like a sales person for marriage and family counseling as that is what I usually recommend, but I have no vested interest in it. I simply think that a good professional can help very much. When a relationship needs unbiased help that can be provided by a professional we should take that advice. I have seen one before and he was a great help in my relationship and helping work through issues with myself and our relationship. A good counselor will not trap you in a cycle of visits, but will help get to the root of the issue/s and how to solve it in a timely manner.

 

[Charleigh Noble]

There are many opinions and viewpoints that people will have that may be right or helpful, or not so much. But a good qualified marriage and family counselor would be best suited to work with the two of you on these issues.



*I might sound like a sales person for marriage and family counseling as that is what I usually recommend, but I have no vested interest in it. I simply think that a good professional can help very much. When a relationship needs unbiased help that can be provided by a professional we should take that advice. I have seen one before and he was a great help in my relationship and helping work through issues with myself and our relationship. A good counselor will not trap you in a cycle of visits, but will help get to the root of the issue/s and how to solve it in a timely manner.

I'm sure that this is what we need. Getting him to go along with it is an entirely different matter though. Hopefully he will be open to it!

 

[Dave-W]

Yeah - counseling can help if you both are committed to working on it.

BTW, I have been married 40 years and we have never "made out" as such.

 

[tampasteve]

I'm sure that this is what we need. Getting him to go along with it is an entirely different matter though. Hopefully he will be open to it!

Even if you have to go alone it can provide you with valuable tools on how to communicate better, how to manage the conversation. I went a few times alone before my wife at the time agreed to come. She could see the value of what I was taught and agreed to come.

 

[Poppyseed78]

It sounds like you were a bit traumatized by the rejection. It's natural to be hurt deeply by the rejection of someone you love, especially in regards to something so personal and intimate. He needs to realize how much it hurt you and show some compassion for that in order for you to move forward together and heal from that. It's not a silly thing, it's significant. Like others posted, I think marriage counseling could help you discuss this. Healthy communication is the only way to resolve these issues.

 

[Grace_Given17]

My heart just goes out to you. I was a virgin when I got married and my husband was not. He was actually previously married. There is so much uneasiness that goes into a relationship when one is experienced and the other isn’t. I can’t even imagine adding unkind words as well. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you everything will be okay. I know for us, counseling helped so much! Even if he won’t go, it did me a world of good. To talk to someone about how I was feeling about the bedroom. I will be praying for you. I know its so hard, but you are worthy, beautiful and loved.