Trouble trusting God

[nt11]

Hello,

I've been through a lot lately, had several serious medical conditions that God has brought me out of, but there is the potential for them to pop up again at any given time. I have PTSD, and have had panic attacks with episodes of psychosis. I remember these episodes very clearly, and it scares me to experience them again, because it was so bad that I was very close to suicide.

The reason that I was close to suicide was because I was constantly hearing voices that, at the time, I thought were demonic voices. I know it sounds crazy, but this has only happened to me during and after panic attacks. I've come to believe that the reason for these episodes was to bring me closer to Him, for His power is made perfect in our weakness.

When I was recovering from this latest episode, I went to church for Easter Vigil and experienced something I've never felt before. A wave of peace and tranquility washed over me, and it was the best I had ever felt in my life. I talked to several psychologists and pastors about it, and all agreed that it was not due to any issues with mental illness. The pastors said that it sounded similar to what people experience when the Holy Spirit comes upon them.

Since then, I've been trying to decide what to do with my life. I have a source of income due to the fact that my illness limits my ability to work, but I want to do more. My only fear is that I'm chasing money instead of God, because a job would give me much more than I currently receive.

I have a professional background and a graduate degree, but I am afraid that if I get a full-time job, I won't be able to mentally handle it. I'm afraid that I'll have another panic attack and become psychotic. A panic attack is a terrifying experience because it makes you think you are going to die. And my panic attacks are very severe because they include psychosis, which decimates me in a way I can't explain. The afteraffects last for days (general fear and anxiety, feeling physically drained, etc.).

I have trouble trusting that God will deliver me from this. I've had this experience 5 times, and I live in fear that if I put myself under too much stress, it will happen again. This is hindering my motivation to go out and seek a full-time professional job. Because doing that seems like going out and seeking another psychotic episode. It seems like it's against my self-interest.

But I want to believe that God can conquer this. That He won't let it happen to me again. But I have trouble trusting that He will do it. He has let it happen so many times, I fear that it is something He will tolerate. Each of those times, I learned something about myself, but I feel it has happened so much that I am broken. I feel that my will to go out into the world and work is gone. But I don't want to just sit at home all day, doing nothing and not contributing to God's Kingdom. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.

 

[Another Lazarus]

Why scare, just give everything to God, life is not forever anyway, people die everyday whatever is their age, young and old, we are actually just a memory to our family and friends.

 

[messager777]

The reason that I was close to suicide was because I was constantly hearing voices that, at the time, I thought were demonic voices.

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Hallucination is one of the withdrawal symptoms of prescription pills used to treat mental disorders, eg benzodiazepine. Other symptoms are anxiety/panic, insomnia, delirium, delusions, paranoia, muscle spasms/epileptic, etc.

In normal people, their brains begin to secrete more stimulating neurotransmitters when the sun rises in the morning(=triggered by light sensors in the eyes), eg serotonin, dopamine, adrenaline, acetyl choline, etc which serve to elevate mood, improve mental concentration, alertness, increase energy level and muscle strength, etc, in order to prepare the body for a day of physical activity to earn their livelihood(=in ancient times, it was farming, hunting, fishing, etc) or to start the work-day.
.......Conversely, their brains begin to secrete more sedating neurotransmitters when the sun sets at night, eg GABA, endorphin(=painkiller and anti-depressant), melatonin(=sleepiness), etc; which serve to slow down(=inhibit) and calm the mind, relax the muscles, numb down any pain/depression, etc, in order to prepare the body for a night of restful sleep.

Psychotropic drugs are artificial analogues of these natural neuroT's produced by the brain, ie drugs mimic neuroT's. Alcohol, heroin, morphine, oxycodone(=opioid painkiller), anxiolytics/sleeping pills, benzodiazepine, anesthetics, etc are sedatives. Caffeine, nicotine, methamphetamine/ice, cocaine, etc are stimulants.
.......Such artificial drugs cause tempting emotions of euphoria or total calmness(= no anxiety) and addiction/dependency when they are wrongly and excessively used. Eg Opioid painkillers, anti-anxiety pills and sleeping pills should be taken at the prescribed dosage and for not more than 3 weeks.

Also, children of alcoholics(and/or drug-addicts) will inherit alcoholism(=damaged DNA/brains, eg crack-babies and meth-babies) and will grow up to experience the associated withdrawal symptoms=abnormal or defective personality. The withdrawal symptoms of alcoholism are symptoms of an over-active, uncalm and over-sensitive brain = nervousness/anxieties, sweaty palms, muscle tics, over-thinking, difficulty falling asleep, paranoia, delusions, etc.

This is bc alcohol(and also prescription anxiolytics, depressant, sleeping pills, heroin, etc) works by slowing down brain activity, calming the person, relaxing muscles and numbing pain, resulting in sedation, anxiolysis, mental relaxation, elimination of social inhibition, slowed muscle coordination, painlessness, etc.
.......Over-consumption of alcohol result in drunkenness(=brain becomes too slow and too calm) and eventually a comatosed sleep(brain activity stopped) and waking up with hangover headaches.

Alcohol, being an analogue of the brain's own naturally-produced neuroT's(=GABA, endorphin, melatonin, etc). When consumed daily and long term(=more than 1 month), it will result in the brain stopping the production of its own neuroTs = the brain's negative-feedback response. This results in addiction or dependency, ie the damaged-brain requires alcohol in order to function normally.

Once addicted, alcoholics or the descendants of alcoholics(or drug-addicts) should remain on a maintenance dose of alcohol, in order to stave off the terrible withdrawal symptoms(=Delirium Tremens). This is similar to a Type2 diabetic, who has damaged pancreas, requiring daily doses of life-sustaining insulin for the rest of his/her life, in order for the body to function normally, wrt blood glucose level; if not...
The other alternative is for the alcoholics to keep themselves off alcohol and become social recluse since their brains cannot function normally without alcohol. Their life will be filled with withdrawal symptoms, eg uncalm and over-active mind(=nervousness/anxiety).
Often, alcoholics and drug addicts may replace their addiction with another addictive drug like prescription pills, nicotine, caffeine, cocaine, etc, which is not the same as being really cured of addiction or being fully rehabilitated.

Bear in mind that the average adult body eliminates alcohol at a constant rate of about 30ml per hour. What does this mean.?
.......1 bottle of red wine(=750ml at 13% concentration of alcohol) has about 90ml of alcohol. Drinking 1 bottle of wine at 1 go will leave the body with more than 60ml of alcohol in the bloodstream during the 1st hour. This enhances the calming or sedating effects of alcohol that has been consumed, compared to just drinking 2 glasses of red wine(=no kick). That is why many alcoholics go for binge-drinking, in order to get more "bang"(effects) out of it, ie drinking 2-3 bottles of beer at one sitting.

The body's natural Fight-or-Flight response can also affect normal people, addicts and the descendants of addicts, depending on their life choices, ie may result in Bipolar Disorder or cycles of mania and depression, if they choose an outgoing lifestyle and job description.
.......This naturally built-in F-o-F response is to cater for emergency situations, eg stumbling upon a tiger while hunting in the jungle. This response enables the person to either flee from or fight off the tiger by giving him/her superhuman-strength, -energy, -concentration, -confidence, -painlessness, -alertness, -elevated mood, -etc.

If used smartly and judiciously(= no over-consumption), alcoholics, drug-addicts and smokers can live quite long, eg Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger, etc. Suddenly, going cold turkey or withdrawing from drugs/alcohol may be more life-threatening for addicts, eg brain haemorrhage/stroke or heart failure.