Trouble in the Bedroom!!!!! HELP

[4jacks]

Trouble in the Bedroom!!!!! HELP

Guys this is seriously embarrassing and hard for me to type out, but I need some serious help, I just can't take it anymore, and neither can Heather, she is really frustrated and on edge. We are having serious trouble in the bedroom, I guess we have always had these issues but to a much lesser extend, just over the past week things have escalated beyond any control, I've slept on the couch the last two nights.

The Problem is Heather and I just can't sleep together! I am a very figity sleeper, I move around a lot both trying to fall asleep and I guess in my sleep. Also from the beggining of my life I've had the weirdest habit of rocking my head on the pillow before falling asleep. It somehow helps me get tired or some junk, I don't know I can't explain, but since I've married Heather 4.5 years ago, I've had to completely nix it, which has been next to impossible. But because I love Heather I've completely given it up, which has cost me a lot of sleep.

Well Heather use to be a really deep sleeper, you couldn't wake her up for the life of you. She could sleep through a train wreck, but recently she has gotten to be a much lighter sleeper, and she wakes up when I move around. She also saying that sometimes I snore (which i swear i don't) but she will hit me on the head and tell me to stop snoring sometimes. And it's really annoying becuase its always when i am falling asleep but not quite asleep.
There's a million other things that are wrong. She's too short and pulls the covers down halfway up my back, and if I try to pull them back up (I'm moving around and wake her up) We also can't get the temperature right. Maybe we need a new thermastat or something, but the house is old and drafty, but it's either too hot or too cold. And Worse yet, we have two big dogs that won't sit still through the night. They always wake me up exactly one hour before I have to get up, and they constantly moving around and keeping us up at bed time, they definitely just don't help the situation any. We have a kennel in the other room but we only put them in there when both of us have left the house. We've always been very loving to them and let them sleep on the bed or in the room. Recently we have been kicking them off the bed more and more.

Anyway it's really scaring me becuase yesterday Heather said that if we had another bed she would just sleep on that all the time so that she could get a decent nights sleep. That REALLY bothers me. I do not like the thought of us having seperate beds or especially bed rooms. The past two nights I have pretty much gotten kicked out to the couch becuase we can not get a nights sleep, not becuase we are fighting or anything but simply becuase we can't sleep. Two nights ago it was really bad, she hit me and I went to sleep on the couch i couldn't sleep at all, so went back to the bedroom with only 2 hours left, and then she went out to the couch. Yesterday she said she was just going sleep on the couch, but agreed to try sleeping with me and if it got bad, she would go to the couch, but I just went to the couch when I knew i was being to figity, and the covers were so low I was freezing, so i got up and turned the heat up a little, and slept on the couch. Yesterday she did go to walmart and get some snore relief throat spray (Mens fitness says it works the best) I'm not sure if that helped at all or not.

Anyway i'm a complete loss. This is really effecting our marriage, we both wake up feeling cheated and mad at eachother and I have no clue what to do.

 

[lucypevensie]

I can relate!

It will be important for the two of you to be understanding and kind to each other as you work through the issue. I know it's hard to be kind when it's the middle of the night and you're desperate for some sleep, so it's best to save the discussions for daytime.

What we wives who hate snoing need to realize is that snoring is not a bad thing (unless you've got apnea or something), it's natural, it's not always something that the sleeper can control. So for us to get all angry at our husband because of something they cannot help is unfair. That should be kept in mind at all times, even though it is hard to remember at 2 in the morning...

With a calm attitude you two can discuss some options or suggestions. Is your mattress comfortable? What size is the bed? - queen? king? Have you tried white noise like a sound machine or fan? Does it help to let her go to bed sooner than you so she can fall asleep first?

In our marriage it is ME who had all the sleep problems. I don't like to hear breathing and don't like the rise and fall of the blankets when he's breathing (seems silly, I know). For about a year and a half I'd have to go sleep on the couch or he'd just not even try to come to the bed.

But through some trial and error and spending some money I've found some things that have helped. First, we invested in a good king size mattress. We don't have to bump into each other in a bed that size. Then I decided to turn on a very noisy fan. it's justwhite noise, but it really helps to drown out any breathing noises. Then I discovered that when my DH dropped about 15 lbs. the snoring decreased significantly. In fact there are some nights that he does not snore at all and I don't even need the fan.

Some understanding and some civil discussion on the matter can be helpful. In the meantime, try not to get too discouraged if one of you ends up on the couch occasionally. If it helps you sleep then that's OK. But keep talking. I'd consider another bed only as a last resort.

 

[4jacks]

What we wives who hate snoing need to realize is that snoring is not a bad thing (unless you've got apnea or something), it's natural, it's not always something that the sleeper can control. So for us to get all angry at our husband because of something they cannot help is unfair. That should be kept in mind at all times, even though it is hard to remember at 2 in the morning...

I don't snore, She Dreams I'm Snoring and hits me for it

Is your mattress comfortable?

Yes, It is a cheap mattress, one step up from the least expensive one, but we also went out and got one of those nice foam things to put under it, both of us agree it is comfy and was a good buy for a poor newlywed couple.

What size is the bed?

KING!!! I'm 6'2"

Have you tried white noise like a sound machine or fan?

Yes, she didn't like either, although I really liked the fan and think it helped me fall asleep faster

Does it help to let her go to bed sooner than you so she can fall asleep first?

I'd wake her up getting into bed, and I really like going to bed with her, we pray before we say goodnight and stuff

We both would really really really like one of those space age mattresses that the lady can jump on one end and the glass of wine on the other doesn't even move, but they are like $1,900 and we are flat broke and going through some finicial difficulties right now, maybe I can start a collection for one.

 

[Epoh99]

I, too, can totally relate! I've been married over 6 years and we've always had this problem. I've half-jokingly suggested many times that we just get separate beds but my husband says NO WAY! I really can't help you out because we haven't found a good compromise yet.

My husband snores, twitches, does not like any noise, likes to cuddle with me, uses only one pillow, and is always warm. I'm always cold, like music on, do not like to be touched, like the fan on, wrap in the blankets, use three pillows, and toss and turn all night.

What really helped me was getting CDs with sounds of the ocean or rain or things like that (instead of music). Although now he says that bothers him too so I gave in and quit listening to those.

What also helped with the blanket and hot/cold situation was having separate blankets. Although once again he doesn't like being under separate blankets.

What helps the most is Tylenol PM. Helps both of us get a few hours of undisturbed sleep.

 

[gracefaith]

How big is your bed? Have you considered separate blankets? Or pushing two twin beds together? If you had two twins, your figiting wouldn't move her mattress and you could have separate blankets and sheets, which would end the blanket issue BUT you would still be close enough to...y'know.

On the snoring issue, if she buys you nasal spray, you buy her ear plugs. You might also want to look into a humidifier for your bedroom. If you have 'forced air' heating, it could be all the dryness making you snore.

 

[andiesmama]

I'm with gracefaith on the twin bed thing...you can push them together yet you'd still have the separate mattresses & blankets. Earplugs help me SO much when my DH snores....also, if the white noise thing helped you but Heather didn't like it, maybe if she had earplugs you could go back to using the white noise thing & that would help you sleep deeper, thereby maybe lessening your fidgeting.

I was going to suggest a better mattress....I know those ones you were talking about are expensive, but if you really think it'll help you might want to start thinking about saving up for one....

 

[Peter]

I've been married 20 years to the same wonderful woman. Hear this! If you need to get two beds do it! There is no Biblical injunction that you have to sleep in the same bed. This is a social norm that does not work for all couples.

However, before you do this, I would suggest you see a sleep therapist.

Peace.

Rdr. Peter

 

[luvmyhubby]

We solved the movement problem with a good Swedish foam mattress. Expensive, but I do not feel my husband move around at night now. I like to go to sleep in his arms, and once I'm asleep there is no noise that will wake me up. I'd suggest earplugs for the noise issue. If worse comes to worst, lots of couples have separate beds. I mean, you are already doing that by one of you sleeping on the couch. You can always start the night out together, then whoever falls asleep first stays in the original bed and the other moves to another bed. It's better than being frustrated and angry every morning. Good luck!

 

[Jocristian]

My wife and I rarely have any difficulties like this. Although we do sleep with separate blankets because she is so cold natured and I am not. Maybe I am strange or something, but if I get really tired.... like from a full day at work + daily excersize, there is nothing in the world that can keep me or my wife awake. We could have the tv and light on and if we are tired, we are asleep in 5 minutes.

Obviously, I know nothing of your situation other than what you have written, but I have read several articles saying how excersize can cure some sleep issues. It tires the body out and makes it easier to fall asleep. Perhaps, you and your wife could go for a run/walk together or perhaps a "more intimate" workout is all you need.

 

[revrobor]

Here's another vote for two beds. It's no big deal. You can always get into one bed when you want to be romantic. And kick the dogs out of the bedroom. I wouldn't even have them in the house let alone the bedroom. Are you aware that dogs (and cats) shed hair? Why would you want to have dog hair in your bed?

 

[alwaysyoung]

I think the idea that someone had to push 2 twin mattresses together is a super idea. (or get a daybed) Using your own sheets will disturb each other less. You can still cuddle and be close if you want to.
Lisa

 

[hugnluvable]

To prevent arguments about duvets being stolen and people being cold at night we have our own duvets but arrange them so one overlats the other so we can have a hug before we sleep (aaaaw! I love bedtime!)

 

[Argent]

I don't snore, She Dreams I'm Snoring and hits me for it

Yes, It is a cheap mattress, one step up from the least expensive one, but we also went out and got one of those nice foam things to put under it, both of us agree it is comfy and was a good buy for a poor newlywed couple.

KING!!! I'm 6'2"

Yes, she didn't like either, although I really liked the fan and think it helped me fall asleep faster
I'd wake her up getting into bed, and I really like going to bed with her, we pray before we say goodnight and stuff

We both would really really really like one of those space age mattresses that the lady can jump on one end and the glass of wine on the other doesn't even move, but they are like $1,900 and we are flat broke and going through some finicial difficulties right now, maybe I can start a collection for one.

You, snore. Fess up about it. Unless you have a throat problem (you probably don't have sleep apnea since you're not overweight) then the spray is about all you can do.

The fan is a good idea for white noise. I realize Heather didn't like it, but how many nights did the two of you try it? It takes some getting used to, but she will go to sleep eventually, and then after she gets used to it, she'll probably like it and it will cause her to sleep more deeply. She needs to give it several nights to get used to it. She's already losing sleep. What's she go to lose? Also, it doesn't have to be in the room with you, turn it on "High" and put it outside the door, that way you'll get the "white noise" but not the draught.

I am very much against the separate bed idea, even in the same room. There is a special intimacy that comes from sleeping with someone that contributes to the bond between them. Maybe it's ok for some couples, but most couples should sleep in the same bed at the same time.

Separate sheets and blankets are the temperature solution.

A lot of couples have this problem in the beginning. You just have to keep calm and try things until you find things that work.

 

[Leanna]

4jacks, I do the same thing... my husband makes fun of me.... I "rock myself to sleep" while laying on my side

Apparently it is something I even began as a baby, according to my parents...



We have a "Do not disturb mattress" and ..... they are not kidding.... he could jump up and down on the other side and I would not be disturbed.... something like individually wrapped coils or something.....

Otherwise I would just put two beds in one room, and who cares? You can have sex on both and call it "variety"

 

[gracefaith]

It just occured to me that the twin mattress idea doesn't even require a new bedframe or spring. If you already have a king size bed, you could plunk the twins right on top of the spring and frame you already have. Then you can technically say that you are still sleeping in the same bed.

 

[InTheFlame]

My first recommendation would be for both of you to learn some decent relaxation techniques. The absolute No. 1 cause of sleep problems is simply... not being relaxed enough. The human body is designed to avoid sleeping soundly if muscles are tense... it's a survival mechanism. Tense muscles = danger = sleep lightly. Sleeping lightly = being woken up at every noise and movement = extremely grouchy person all night and next morning (surely I'm not the only one who gets uber-grouchy when tired!?) = arguments = bad feelings = more tenseness next night = sleeping even lighter.... etc.

PM me if you'd like to give it a go. It would take at least a month to show much of a difference, but I think it could really help.

 

[4jacks]

Obviously, I know nothing of your situation other than what you have written, but I have read several articles saying how excersize can cure some sleep issues. It tires the body out and makes it easier to fall asleep. Perhaps, you and your wife could go for a run/walk together or perhaps a "more intimate" workout is all you need.

My Wife is a Gym harlot. She is in the gym 5 times a week, I go 3 times a week, From what I’ve read it is not good to exercise RIGHT before bed, but is helpful during the day…. I haven’t really noticed a great difference since I’ve been going more often.

I wouldn't even have them in the house let alone the bedroom. Are you aware that dogs (and cats) shed hair? Why would you want to have dog hair in your bed?

I wouldn’t even let ‘people who wouldn’t even have dog in their house let alone their bedroom’ onto my property.
Am I aware that dogs have shed hair??? BOB I OWN A COLLIE… I eat three square meals a day of Dog Hair. I don’t want DOG HAIR in my bed… why would you ask me that …. I want the DOGS in my bed, dogs are great, they add 20 years to your life (God puts that bus that will run you over 20 years later for all the dog owners)

I will confess that right now I am contemplating putting the dogs in their own room every night, till they learn to shut up till I get up.

You, snore. Fess up about it.

YOU LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m NOT listening !!! LA LA LA LA LA LA !!! I Can’t hear you!!!

I am very much against the separate bed idea, even in the same room. There is a special intimacy that comes from sleeping with someone that contributes to the bond between them. Maybe it's ok for some couples, but most couples should sleep in the same bed at the same time.

I am 100% agree with you!! I will not get two separate beds, in the same room or otherwise, I am completely certain that the couples who have separate beds and or bedroom are completely void of intimacy between them. I will not do this !! At all, under any circumstance, I do not want to let my marriage drift to that.




As for the Idea about two twin beds pushed together, I’m not really sold on that idea either, if we are going to spend money, I would want to by the better bed. Plus we had to do this on our honey moon, and it was pukey.

 

[4jacks]

PM me if you'd like to give it a go. It would take at least a month to show much of a difference, but I think it could really help.

Unless it's something you don't wanna go public with, Post it up!!! I'd give anything a go at this point. or you can email me at 4jacks@gmail.com i'd rather not use the pm's

 

[InTheFlame]

OK... will take me a bit of research time. Haven't needed to put someone through the whole process for a while.

PS. I think the dogs going in a separate room is a good idea. Simplify the problem by reducing the number of 'people' in the bed to the absolute minimum

 

[MominTX2004]

My in-laws sleep in twin beds because they can't sleep with each other, but they have a great marriage and get great sleep now that they sleep this way. I don't think it's a problem to have 2 beds. God doesn't say anywhere you need to have one big bed for both of you or two small beds. You can still be intimate in one bed or the other, or get a full-size futon where you can have your intimacy time.