**Trigger warning** so this is me

[User101]

im deleting my story, its just to easy to find. i want to delete my account or at least this thread. can i?

 

[Ariel]

LilMissHavic,

I am so sorry for what you have been through. You must hurt so much.

There are some things I want to tell you.

First of all, what happened to you was NOT your fault. You did not deserve to be bullied, sexually assaulted, harassed and tormented. People are mean, and it sounds like this family who befriended you was not just mean but sick. I am so sorry. Please just realize that this was NOT YOUR FAULT.

Second, you can get well. Like you I went through some awful things. As a result I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder--including insomnia, awful dreams, flashbacks, etc. With God's help I got well. You can too. I wrote a thread for these forums about my recovery, in hope that it would help others. I am giving you that URL here: http://christianforums.com/showthread.php?t=6076696


I also want to say, I am so touched that you came here and wrote about your trials. I know that took a lot of courage. Bravo! Even just by talking about what happened to you, you are on the road to recovery. This is part of recovery--to recognize what happened to you, and to talk about it.

There are other people here who like you have suffered childhood bullying and sexual assault. I know they will reach out to you as well.

I am praying for you. PM me anytime, I am not a professional counselor, but I will help you all I can.

 

[User101]

Hi Ariel,
thanx for your post and pm, and thanx to xShmalx and Johnnz for you pm's too! hugs all round.
I just don't get how life can get so crap. I know there's all this free will stuff but what about MY free will? what about MY choices? I never chose to be betrayed over and over by those that i loved! and though God's right there above me there's still this huge deep dark empty abyss inside of me! I what to know why, but i cant find the answer. All this stuff has happened to me, and i have ptsd but what now? I just dont get how i'm ment to move on. I'm trapped! I pray all night, I'm reading my Bible (read proverbs&revelations in one night the other day) But i just cant get respite! I keep Beta Bj from sleeping most nights cause he stupidly told me to call him when i get flashbacks and stuff. I just hate it, all of it. I cant forget, I hate remembering.

HELP!

 

[Ariel]

LilMissHavic, thank you so much for posting and letting me know how you are.

You are asking some of the same questions I asked myself. Where was my free will? Where was God?

In the end I realized that God was there all along, but He does not violate free will. He did not stop the evil things people chose to do. I had no control over what was done to me. But then I realized this too--I did have control over how I reacted to it.

I could let every evil thing against me win. Or I could win, with God's help.

I chose to win.

This is a fight, the fight to get well. I wanted to win that fight to be well. I did win it, with a lot of help.

You can win it too.

You had no choice in what happened to you, but you can choose to win over it anyway. You can choose to be well. It's a fight, it will take a while. It will hurt--but it is so much worth it.

There are several things you can do to help yourself. Use whatever helps, and whatever you are able to:
--Get into counseling, if you can
--Get medical help when and if you can
--Talk about what happened. Find someone safe you can talk to.
--Write about what happened: get yourself a journal and just write, draw pictures, whatever, but somehow express what happened
--Be aware that as you talk and write, you will experience some overwhelming emotions, including anger. It is okay to be angry. Psalm 4:4 says, "Be angry but do not sin." Try to find acceptable ways to express the anger. Here is the rule some of us have come up with: you can express the anger in any way you want so long as you do not hurt yourself, and you do not hurt someone else. You may also want to not hurt valuable items--but anything else goes. Here is the URL for a thread we (there are several of us) started on ways to express anger: http://christianforums.com/showthread.php?t=7287679 It's kind of fun, actually, you can contribute, too.
--Eventually you will come to a point where you forgive the people who hurt you and give the whole thing to God to handle. You are not there yet! You will get there eventually.
--Eventually you will be able to remember everything that happened, and it will no longer affect you emotionally. At this point you will be well.

This is just a quick sketch of the road ahead. It is different for everyone, and it will be different for you too--but just know that it is possible to get well. You will NOT be a victim of what happened to you all your life. You can heal. Even now, as you talk about it and deal with the past you are on your way to healing.

I am praying for you.

(((hug)))

You can get well.

 

[Johnnz]

That's quite a story - and a very sad one. Here are some issues you will be facing.

Each event resulted in something negative impacting upon your life, such as pain, fear, confusion, guilt, feeling unclean etc. That then resulted in beliefs, values, attitudes and behaviours that have become implanted deep with you. These form an inner script that constantly replays - "I am a nothing, no one really loves me, trust nobody, good never lasts," and other similarly negative thoughts. You live daily out of those inner patterns.

Change involves identifying what happened and your responses to it, and then reworking each one with Jesus. Most often, skilled and wise counsel is the best way forward, but only if those two criteria are met. This takes time, most often pain, and loving support is a blessed gift while that process is progressing.

Your post is amazing. I can see the potential for a vibrant life. There is no negativity and self centredness. But another dark reality is also there within you. This is why you cut and feel suicidal. There is no real connection between the positive and negatives parts of your life. Without knowing why you engage in destructive behaviours.

You are not odd, useless, a failure, a hopeless case. You are deeply precious to God, who wnats you to find the way through and out of your inner scripts and into His abundant life.

John
NZ

 

[User101]

You see the problem with me is im scared, of EVERYTHING! but especially remembering. Beta Bj's been telling me to remember but i just can't! it'll overwhelm me! Every emotion, every time that i was frightened, angry, confused, hurt, anxious, scared, depressed, hateful, shamed. It will all come rushing back. my flashbacks are bad enough as is, let alone inviting more of them! i dont think i can do it. it's to hard! I only see my councillor once every two weeks what am i meant to do untill then? my memories will last more than a day, im sure of it. i cant do it on my own.

but aparently it will heal me? i dont get it. why so much pain?

 

[Ariel]

LilMissHavic (((hug)))

I am so glad to see your post!

Flashbacks can be overwhelming. Therefore, just take little steps. You don't want to pull everything out all at once--just little bits and pieces at first. It takes time to heal.

When you hurt soft tissue, for example, if you twist an ankle--that usually takes a lot longer to heal than a bone does. A broken bone takes maybe six weeks. A torn ligament can take much longer--eight to twelve weeks. So how long does it take a soul? It may take months. It may even take years.

Don't rush. Don't try to pull things out too fast. Take it just a little bit at a time--just what you can handle at the moment. It is okay, as you pull out more and process it you will get stronger. Don't try to do more than that.

 

[Johnnz]

You see the problem with me is im scared, of EVERYTHING! but especially remembering. Beta Bj's been telling me to remember but i just can't! it'll overwhelm me! Every emotion, every time that i was frightened, angry, confused, hurt, anxious, scared, depressed, hateful, shamed. It will all come rushing back. my flashbacks are bad enough as is, let alone inviting more of them! i dont think i can do it. it's to hard! I only see my councillor once every two weeks what am i meant to do untill then? my memories will last more than a day, im sure of it. i cant do it on my own.

but aparently it will heal me? i dont get it. why so much pain?

Why the pain? Becasue that was how you felt then, but have buried it since then in order to cope with life in some way. Revisiting those times brings back what you experienced. That's why some won'tgo down that road, and remain unhealed.

It is so helpful (almost necessary) to have someone who can give you support,someone caring, restful, patient and wise. Anyone like that around?

Two weeks between counselling sessions is not that supportive either.

Have you read "The Shack?" There are some great concepts tucked away in that story which you might find insightful.

Hang in there and keep posting. Feel free to PM me or anyone else here who can be with you through the joourney towards transformation.

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[User101]

It is so helpful (almost necessary) to have someone who can give you support,someone caring, restful, patient and wise. Anyone like that around?

Yeah, Beta Bj, his 8 years my elder and the only person who i can really trust. He stayed up all night with me last night on the phone just cause it was the 6 year anniversary and i was scared. I still get a little paranoid sometimes, that he'll ditch me like the rest but for the most part there's just this un explainable peace for me when i'm around him. No doubt God's work.

So take things slowly huh? okay i seriously feel like im being a pain in the bum but how? Seriously with me it's normally all or nothing, which is why my poems have to completed in one sitting or they're trashed, with my pictures it's the same and probably why i don't even bother with cleaning my room anymore. But really, how do i do it gradually? when i try to take one thing at a time it's always hooked to something else, i dont understand how to take it one at a time! is this something i just have to figure out by myself? i'll pray about it but i'd really appreciate help. even if it's only telling me off for being lazy and to get off my bum and try harder.

thanx
xLiLxMiSsxHaViCx

PS: thanx for the hugs Ariel, I really love them! even if they're imaginary ones from randoms online

 

[Ariel]

LOL, I know about "all or nothing" LilMissHavic. This is actually a life skill, something you learn, I believe. Like cleaning, there are some things which can be too overswhelming to do all at once. So you limit them by time.

This is where a journal is so good. I limited my time to 45 minutes. During that time I pulled out memories, got angry, dealt with that anger, processed. Then I would close my notebook and put it away. If I had more thoughts about what had happened, I would tell myself "tomorrow, I'll write about that tomorrow." Then I would turn my thoughts to something else, even physically do something else, get out of the house, etc.

This was not easy to do at first, but I became more adept as I did it. It was important to make all my 45 minute "appointments" with myself. That way I knew for sure that I would have some time to process the awful stuff every day. It also helped that I could physically put my notebook away.

This turned out to be a great way to approach healing, because it taught me that I could control my thoughts, and in controlling my thoughts I could control my emotions. It was enough time every day to take those baby steps to healing, but at the same time I learned not to allow my illness to control my whole life. Praise God! I finally was able to be more normal, at least part of the time! This also helped me with my relationship with my dear husband, who had helped me so much. Now, with some control over the intrusive thoughts I was finally able to focus on him, and to help him.

You can learn this too. It will take time, you will not be very good at it at first. But get yourself a notebook, someting you can put away, and try this. It really helps.

I am praying for you. Be blessed dear sister in the Lord.

 

[Soulwings]

Ariel has given you some very sound advice, LilMissHavic...

...I don't have anything else much to add except keep up the good work. You're staying strong in your faith - important. You're reading God's Word - important. Journal some - that too is important. It helps you process the memories and feelings - slowly - you don't want to get it all "done" in a matter of days/weeks. That would be way too overwhelming - I understand that you are a "all or nothing" type of person... but still - you need to take this slowly.

I'm glad that you have your friend there to help you along. He sounds as though he truly cares.

If you need to talk, I'm here. I don't know how much good I'd be but just wanted to let you know that.

Oh, and by the way, welcome to CF.

 

[Johnnz]

Yes, there are many links. But you must unravel them one by one. That's why it takes time. Replacing broken areas with something positive also takes time. For example, you have had trust broken many times. You can look at how that affected you - despair, grief, anger etc. But relearning trust with trustworthy people is also necessary. Same with sex. Bad things happened and hurt you. That distorted your understanding of what good sex is all about. More relearning.

For a "must do it and get if finished now' person you aren't going to find the process easy to live with!

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[kat]

What happened to you made my heart break and ache for you...
I am so glad you came here... God has healed me of a lot of emotional things but some of it was too painful and I needed help and when I found Ariel, she was the help God gave me, she is my angel , and it was very difficult but she helped me along and I know she was praying for me and I just want to tell you you couldn't have come to a better person...

One of the hardest things I had to accept was that you have to feel to heal... and I understand how it all comes out... I have recently had a flood of emotions, it is very hard this time of year (I hate this holiday!)
I had written a poem about emotions all tangled up like a ball of yarn... the emotions are all connected and all over the place... I may not be saying it right, but I do understand...

And I just wanted the feelings to go away instead of letting them be what they are... real feelings I never could feel at the time of abuse... It took time but I learned to not get freaked out over the feelings but embrace them and let them be, though it hurts like your heart is being cut out... and how Ariel said it takes practice to not have those feelings drown you
- think of it as you floating on the flood of feelings - your raft being your journal? just came up with that...



You are so brave and sound very mature beyond your age.. I am sorry sometimes life does that to you... I see you aren't sitting there feeling sorry for yourself, you are doing what you can to get through this, and that is a lot in itself! With help from each other we have gotten through our stuff and as painful as it may be, I know you can too... the ride is rough but once you go through you end up on the other side and it is worth it in the end... and sometimes you think you have gotten to the end and more keeps coming, just keep encouraged... Psalms are so comforting and strengthening... sometimes I journal poems and get the awful stuff out and at the end write about God's hand in it all... I feel like that is what David did when it was written that David encouraged himself in the Lord...

If I was local, I'd be right there for you,
you aren't alone in spirit, we are with you, lots and lots of love, HisLilLamb

 

[User101]

OOOOOOO Look at all the Hugs!!!lol.

Brave? ha i'm scared of everything! like seriously EVERYTHING! ask Bj, he'll tell you its true. i think my top 7 are; flashbacks, bad dreams, people finding out about the real me, heights, the dark, EARWIGS(lol its completely irrational, they're the only bug i can't stand) and Dead things buttheres plenty more, trust me.

So I need to get me a journal huh? okay... ummm. I'll buy one next time i can get some mulah.

Are there any tricks to shuting the floodgates or is this something i must control via trial and error?

...

Wait, is going numb a bad thing? even if it's after i've written in my journal? just trying to cover all the bases.

I wish we had more thunder storms over here! i could really go a stand out in the rain, screaming at nothing. But we dont, so i wont.

anyway i should probs get off the computer before mom starts yelling at me. I have councilling tomorrow. I'll see how things go.

Thanx all
Bye

 

[Johnnz]

As an issue is faced and worked through the flashbacks associated with it begin to fade. Usually they become less worrying and less frequent. But, there is not that often a tap that turns them off overnight.

Now you can go out in the rain and scream!

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[kat]

HI there! But being brave does not mean you won't be afraid... Have you heard of that? Courage is facing your fear... Your bravery is reaching for help...

About the emotions and them all flooding and getting a handle on that... you better stick with Ariel, because I am still a work in process on that one. I am trying to be able to manage my emotions and sometimes there is just numbness and sometimes it floods and sometimes I have a time when I feel somewhat normal... The best advice I can give you is to be safe when you feel what you feel and that to heal you have to feel and journaling like Ariel said... (you know if you just have some loose paper, staple it together and make your own book if you can't go out and get one yet) =0)

Boy, the fears you did list are Normal things to be afraid of... I know you said there were more... Just saying, at least those are normal ones.... Would it help to write what things you are not afraid of? Might make you feel like it isn't Everything you are afraid of


I wouldn't say any of your feelings or not feeling =) are bad things, its how you respond to your feelings that makes it good or bad...

OH, I just found all these artists that are helping me with songs they have written and one of them happens to be:
"Stand In The Rain" by Superchick.... do you know them?

oh, just curious, you mentioned thunderstorms, they must not scare you? I love them now, now that I know the creator of them...

My husband and I are so psyched out about spiders of all the insects they are the creepiest... If you ever want to just start talking about your fears and feel more normal, you can try that too I'm afraid of some odd things, like feathers that are not on the bird... hmm. But maybe you are trying to tell me the fears you have are too intense?

just trying to be here for you HisLilLamb

 

[Ariel]

HLL, you are so kind! Thank you! I am hardly the expert on recovery, just another person who struggled and finally won. I think each of us has truths to share, and can definitely help others, even if we aren't completely healed ourselves. Thank you so much for sharing what has helped you. You are a blessing. (((hug)))

LilMissHavic, I wish it was possible to turn off the flashbacks--wouldn't that be useful! What does help, though, is finding out what triggers them. Then at least you can avoid those triggers while you are still healing, and eventually you can substitute another memory for that trigger.

For example, when I started having flashbacks, I couldn't even walk into a supermarket by myself, because if I got near the freezer section I could go off into a flashback. Eventually my husband and I realized what was triggering me--the cold. When I had been traumatized I was freezing cold, and now even getting a little cold was setting me off. So for a long time while I worked through the memories I avoided cold. Then eventually I realized that I couldn't avoid cold forever. I wanted to go skiing again. So we went skiing. My husband stayed with me, and helped talk me through the rising panic on the ski lift--fear not because of the height, but because I was cold. The first time was the worst, but as I skied that day I found that I finally began associating cold with something I love, skiing. I never was triggered by cold again after that. I had replaced that stimulus, being cold, with a different memory, skiing.

This really helped me--figuring out what my triggers were and then avoiding them, at least until I could heal a bit.

 

[Ariel]

I'm trying to answer your questions. You asked about going numb. That's a fairly common symptom. My interpretation was that I just got overloaded. I would rest for a while--and here again is where you avoid triggers. If you have been wildly emotional in the flashbacks and also during counseling sessions, or while journaling, it's pretty understandable that you can be numb for a while. Just rest. You will be alright.

God made us able to bear things, but slowly. Again, don't try to overdo things, just take it slowly. Baby steps are far, far better then getting so overwhelmed that you can't function at all.

 

[kat]

xLiLxMiSsxHaViCx How are you doing?
(thank you Ariel!)
How Ariel puts things into words is incredible... I can tell you I am working on the recognizing triggers... the crisp cool air, certain behaviors of people and/or tones of their voices, certain smells, people talking very loud, and somethings I that I feel I shouldn't write here....
Just the past two weeks I have recognized these and am working on them... letting out the feelings that are rising... and I am trying to work full time - have only made it 20-25 hrs... so I learned "grounding" techniques that work for me... I put daisies and brought my little bear to work and my vanilla bean scented lotion and made an audio tape of songs that ground me... I have a favorite blanket and sweatshirt that makes me feel more comforted/safe.... As you go you will learn these things too... I forgot til Ariel had said that....

Yes, go at your pace, don't overwhelm yourself, and be kind and gentle to yourself! And like Ariel said, just take time you need if you need to be numb and not "feel" all the time... Tonight I need to escape and am going to get a good movie...

By the way, you already sound like a really neat person... I can tell you are sweet, humorous, and have a lot of beauty under the pain... and if you tell me it isn't so you are telling me I am a bad judge of character so don't you dare! LOL

lots of hugs again!

HLL

 

[User101]

Okay so first off sorry i havent been around... I had to take a trip to my Grandparents (ugh) and they dont have the interwebs

And i was going to dare but then i read about a lamb in india that started to go carnivoure so then i thought the better of it. You can have your opinions... I'll have mine.THANX FOR TEH HUGZ!!!!

I'm not asking if being numb is a bad thing because i dont feel anything most of the time, on the contrary my God given gift (or curse) is empathy, i feel to much! which is why i cut/turn suicidal.

I'm asking if its a bad thing because recentaly i've discovered that i can completely 'zone out' when i want to. Except for when i get too emotional or stuff. The only downside is that i often zone back in either extremely depressed or with one of my wrists bleeding.

I bought the Journal, I bought some colorful pens, and im still petrified of what is going to happen when i put one of my fluro orange pens to one of those lined pages. So i keep making excuses, and when i cant think of anymore i find someone else to keep me busy.

I'm horrible at getting started with things, there is always an excuse. But at least this time i can see that. I'm just too afraid of whats going to happen when my 45 minutes are up. I don't think I'm going to be able to stop! I'm definatley a person ruled by their heart as opposed to my head. and my heart is broken so that leaves me in a mess.

What were your first times like? how could you just say right thats enough, time to stop. I cant Do That!?