*Trigger Warning-SI/ED/Suicide* Please help.

[Exodus1513]

Hello everyone.

I can't take it anymore. I try and every attempt seems to flounder in one way or another. I tried to commit suicide on Monday, which didn't work, but in the hospital they found out I was bulimic due to my potassium levels and electrolyte levels. I spent three days in the critical care unit, only to be released with a pat on the back of reassurance "I can make it through." I've been in denial for over a year about the extensive nature of my ED and now it's killing me, perhaps faster than I am even trying to kill myself.

I was molested, horrifically, as a child by my father, and my therapist felt the need to go through helping me 'unrepress' memories of the most tragic occurrences, which opened up a can of worms which have seemingly become leeches, devouring my soul.

I am clinically depressed. I think my doctor is tired of me, albeit he's been doing his best to play intermittent counselor (though I do have a good therapist and a psychiatrist who prescribes), I just want this to be over.

I'm so very tired of fighting every day. Every day there's something, there's never nothing, I want there so badly to just be 'normal' for one day, I don't even know what it feels like. I cry and cry and cry, and still nothing changes. I pray and pray and pray and still nothing changes. I feel like I am praying and God has stopped listening, maybe he's tired of me too.

My husband and family are being put through the ringer, as this was not my only suicide attempt. I think I've been in the hospital (ICU three times, psychiatric ward one night, hospital a lot) a total of 7 times in 6 months for attempted suicide or suicidal ideations.

I can't do it anymore. I am trying my best. Please, someone, please have something conducive to offer, because I am at my end, and I need help. I want to get better, I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but my meds aren't working, no matter what they try, and the only thing that really seems to help is seeing my professional help which is limited by my insurance company. My pastor wants nothing to do with the situation, and just tells me to seek professional help, though there's huge spiritual aspects of this.

I feel like ripping my hair out and screaming, I am just so frustrated at myself for burdening my family like this, and everyone else. I just want release

 

[Everlasting33]

I am saddened to know that you are hurting and I do care for you! If you ever need to talk, please PM me. You are very precious and worthwhile.

You have suffered a great deal in your young life and the pain you feel inside is making you want death. Unable to fully trust and perhaps having a fear of intimacy, you feel overwhelmed by the demons of your past and anxious that things will never change.

Your "inner child" is also in pain and she is still the hurt, scared and helpless girl that she was years ago. Most likely, to heal her, would be to ultimately bring peace and joy to your soul. The inner child concept theorizes that traumatic experiences (such as molestation) will disrupt a child's psyche and create inner turmoil and dysfunction. Thus, the child is still stuck in the past and hurting from many traumas. The pain you feel is the pain that she feels. Note that you do not have separate personalities but the inner child is a just one of many components of your personality that influences your daily life.

Here is a short but insightful reading about the inner child:

"Loving the Wounded Child Within "

by Robert Burney MA "It is through having the courage and willingness to revisit the emotional "dark night of the soul" that was our childhood, that we can start to understand on a gut level why we have lived our lives as we have. It is when we start understanding the cause and effect relationship between what happened to the child that we were, and the effect it had on the adult we became, that we can Truly start to forgive ourselves. It is only when we start understanding on an emotional level, on a gut level, that we were powerless to do anything any differently than we did that we can Truly start to Love ourselves.


The hardest thing for any of us to do is to have compassion for ourselves. As children we felt responsible for the things that happened to us. We blamed ourselves for the things that were done to us and for the deprivations we suffered. There is nothing more powerful in this transformational process than being able to go back to that child who still exists within us and say, "It wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong, you were just a little kid.""



http://www.joy2meu.com/innerchild.html

No doubt, you have been through much heartache and gut-wrenching experiences and you are tired in every way possible. But please research more of the inner child concept. You are not hopeless or helpless but very capable of living life with much peace and joy. You will certainly have to work hard at it and there will be pain along the way.But don't give up on yourself! You can do this...we are here to support you!

 

[Yuki Usagi]

I just want you to know it isn't your fault that your family is being put through the ringer. It's your father's fault. I hope everyone in your family realizes that, and you too.

I hope the man is in prison? Is he? That's where he belongs. And it would help give you some closure. You never mentioned if he's still around and whether or not you have contact with him.

There are way too many people that this has happened to, even boys. And it's just one reason I can't wait for Jesus to come and give us all justice.

I am so angry that this happened to you. I know this may sound trite, but if you can get a hold of a book called Toxic Parents, by Susan Forward and a decent psychologist who specializes in helping people who were sexually abused (there are agencies world-wide, I believe), you may get the help you need. There is a list of agencies in the book I think (if I remember correctly, it's been years since I read it)... and maybe she even has a site online... I'm going to check into it...

The book is for sale at Amazon.com. You can even email her: write to (only don't put the spaces in... I'm doing it because this stupid forum doesn't allow email addresses--I know there's a good reason but it's still annoying and I'm already very angry right now):

mail @ susan forward . com

...and I know she can point you to agencies where you will get the right kind of help for this. Please do it. You have already come so far just by being here and asking for help. She is still in practice, I think and has a place in Orange County California for people that have been sexually molested and abused. You need that kind of support.

I am so proud of you for coming here and stating what's going on with you. I am praying for you SO HARD that you never attempt to take your life again. Your father deserves to have his life taken and since you can't do that yourself (because you have a kind heart) you turn it in on yourself. That anger needs to be expressed. You need to be allowed to express it without EVER apologizing to anyone and anyone around you who thinks you can "just get over it" is NOT anyone you need right now.

You do not just get over something like that. And that's why it's so horrible that it happens with such maddening frequency. I'm so mad I could really do some damage right now and wish I could!!!

If your father isn't dead or in prison, try to find out if you can get him in prison. Even now, even if you are an adult. He should not be allowed to go free.

Nothing makes me so mad as men molesting and raping women and boys and girls. Nothing!!! They take your childhood and innocence away for what? A few seconds... oh I am really stomping mad!

I pray that you find someone who has some muscle who can help you. Never apologize or worry that you're 'bothering' or driving your family nuts... HE DID IT ... NOT YOU!!! And I know the bulimia is a way to try to have some control over your life but this therapy of Susan Forward is VERY good at giving you that feeling and knowledge of control over your life. I'm utterly surprised if your family or therapist is annoyed with you!! That is NOT good and you do NOT need to put up with that!

God bless you, Sweetheart. God lead you to the right people, the right agencies. God give you the peace that passes all understanding. And in His name I pray for you, relentlessly.

Huge hugs!!
Yuki Usagi

 

[Bellicus]

I know what you mean by opening a can of worms when talking about the past. Worms of fear, guilt, sadness crawling around in rotten stuff and spreading like a disease to the parts of the mind that still is healthy. And my conclusion have been that by digging down into that rotten filth, there is nothing to be found but filth. And maybe that is some of your problem here, that you think if you only dig deep enough, then maybe you will find diamonds and gold. But you won't find that in the filth.

Where there is gold and diamonds to be found is in God. I know it is hard to take the eyes away from the bad things in life. I have the same problem myself. I want so many bad things to just go away, and from time to time I just want to give up. And I ask God to take it away, but he don't take it away. The world is evil, and that can't be changed. We are part of that world, and that cant be changed either (not yet). And it makes me think that God don't care about me, but to say this I have to ignore his voice telling me that He do care. He really love me, no matter what I think, and I know that I can escape in him.

So have you tried to ask God if he loves you, and listen to what he says when you ask him this?

You say "maybe God is tired of me too". But have you asked God if he is tired of you? What do you think his answer in this is?

What voice are you listening to?

 

[Yuki Usagi]

This is how the Lord feels when someone hurts us and what He does about it:

2 Samuel 22

1And David spake unto the LORD the words of this song in the day that the LORD had delivered him out of the hand of all his enemies, and out of the hand of Saul:

2And he said, The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer;

3The God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour; thou savest me from violence.

4I will call on the LORD, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies.

5When the waves of death compassed me, the floods of ungodly men made me afraid;

6The sorrows of hell compassed me about; the snares of death prevented me;

7In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried to my God: and he did hear my voice out of his temple, and my cry did enter into his ears.

8Then the earth shook and trembled; the foundations of heaven moved and shook, because he was wroth.

9There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth devoured: coals were kindled by it.

10He bowed the heavens also, and came down; and darkness was under his feet.

11And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly: and he was seen upon the wings of the wind.

12And he made darkness pavilions round about him, dark waters, and thick clouds of the skies.

13Through the brightness before him were coals of fire kindled.

14The LORD thundered from heaven, and the most High uttered his voice.

15And he sent out arrows, and scattered them; lightning, and discomfited them.

16And the channels of the sea appeared, the foundations of the world were discovered, at the rebuking of the LORD, at the blast of the breath of his nostrils.

17He sent from above, he took me; he drew me out of many waters;

18He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them that hated me: for they were too strong for me.

19They prevented me in the day of my calamity: but the LORD was my stay.

20He brought me forth also into a large place: he delivered me, because he delighted in me.

21The LORD rewarded me according to my righteousness: according to the cleanness of my hands hath he recompensed me.

22For I have kept the ways of the LORD, and have not wickedly departed from my God.

23For all his judgments were before me: and as for his statutes, I did not depart from them.

24I was also upright before him, and have kept myself from mine iniquity.

25Therefore the LORD hath recompensed me according to my righteousness; according to my cleanness in his eye sight.

26With the merciful thou wilt shew thyself merciful, and with the upright man thou wilt shew thyself upright.

27With the pure thou wilt shew thyself pure; and with the froward thou wilt shew thyself unsavoury.

28And the afflicted people thou wilt save: but thine eyes are upon the haughty, that thou mayest bring them down.

29For thou art my lamp, O LORD: and the LORD will lighten my darkness.

30For by thee I have run through a troop: by my God have I leaped over a wall.

31As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all them that trust in him.

32For who is God, save the LORD? and who is a rock, save our God?

33God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect.

34He maketh my feet like hinds' feet: and setteth me upon my high places.

35He teacheth my hands to war; so that a bow of steel is broken by mine arms.

36Thou hast also given me the shield of thy salvation: and thy gentleness hath made me great.

37Thou hast enlarged my steps under me; so that my feet did not slip.

38I have pursued mine enemies, and destroyed them; and turned not again until I had consumed them.

39And I have consumed them, and wounded them, that they could not arise: yea, they are fallen under my feet.

40For thou hast girded me with strength to battle: them that rose up against me hast thou subdued under me.

41Thou hast also given me the necks of mine enemies, that I might destroy them that hate me.

42They looked, but there was none to save; even unto the LORD, but he answered them not.

43Then did I beat them as small as the dust of the earth, I did stamp them as the mire of the street, and did spread them abroad.

44Thou also hast delivered me from the strivings of my people, thou hast kept me to be head of the heathen: a people which I knew not shall serve me.

45Strangers shall submit themselves unto me: as soon as they hear, they shall be obedient unto me.

46Strangers shall fade away, and they shall be afraid out of their close places.

47The LORD liveth; and blessed be my rock; and exalted be the God of the rock of my salvation.

48It is God that avengeth me, and that bringeth down the people under me.

49And that bringeth me forth from mine enemies: thou also hast lifted me up on high above them that rose up against me: thou hast delivered me from the violent man.

50Therefore I will give thanks unto thee, O LORD, among the heathen, and I will sing praises unto thy name.

51He is the tower of salvation for his king: and sheweth mercy to his anointed, unto David, and to his seed for evermore.

*Remember, it was your father who opened that can of worms, not you. He should have been your protector, and he instead became your tormentor. Anyone who expects you to be normal and sweep that under the rug has something wrong with them... not you. You deserve to have a big stink made about what happened. And you deserve closure and the power over your own body and life.


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[tillyanne]

praying for you hun. Sometimes things get worse before they get better. Don't hurt yourself. Decide to delay the decision. Promise yourself you will not try to hurt yourself until you call a hotline or go the ER.

Why are you limited in getting help? it sounds like you are seeking out help, it saddens me that you can't find it easily.

Things can, and will, get better. There is hope. God loves you and will not give up on you ever.
keep posting. we are here.

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

Love you Exodus. Sure wish it could offer you so much more than just words on a screen and a cyber hug. It understands what pain does and it wants you to have relief and release. Can you change doctors or therapists, to maybe get ones more helpful and responsive?

 

[Criada]

Firstly, you are not burdening anyone, you are a blessing
I wish I could say something more helpful.... all I have to offer is hugs and prayers, and a listening ear when you need it.
And it will, really, get better, sweetie. The past is horrible.. but, one day there will be no more memories to uncover.
Love you

 

[Exodus1513]

Steelersbred, thank you for your input and the inclusion about the inner child.

I hope the man is in prison? Is he? That's where he belongs.

No, he is not. He should be, yes, but he is not. Thank you so much for your responses and contact.

But have you asked God if he is tired of you? What do you think his answer in this is?

What voice are you listening to?

I haven't asked God, no, and I cannot honestly say what I am listening to because I've lost sight.

Why are you limited in getting help?

My insurance will only cover so many visits...and particular counselors...*sigh*

Love you Exodus. Sure wish it could offer you so much more than just words on a screen and a cyber hug. It understands what pain does and it wants you to have relief and release. Can you change doctors or therapists, to maybe get ones more helpful and responsive?

Love you too, dear one. I have already changed therapists to one which is helping, but in helping he's also uncovering some serious garbage. Cyber hugs are great and always gladly accepted.

Firstly, you are not burdening anyone, you are a blessing
I wish I could say something more helpful.... all I have to offer is hugs and prayers, and a listening ear when you need it.
And it will, really, get better, sweetie. The past is horrible.. but, one day there will be no more memories to uncover.
Love you

I was told I was burdening someone directly that is affected by this, so I do respectfully beg to differ on this point. I realize it has been taken slightly out of context by me, but the statement was there still, and it was made full well knowing how I may take it.
I appreciate so much your response and warmth of your post. Thank you.

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

Think about what Moriah share with you tonight in private and remember He can, will, and does hear your cries. Keep crying out to Him, put your all into it, pour out your rage, your terror, your anguish, your distress, pour it out to Him honey, let Him hear it and He WILL intervene and He WILL answer. Precious precious Girl He will bring you forth like gold from these hideous fires, refined and purged of all dross, new and strong, and you will be shining like gold to reflect His light to many, many coming after you who suffer and need a hand up, a boost to see His sweet face. Oh if you could only see the delights He has in store for you!! Please persevere, precious friend, it WILL be worth it, daimonizomai swear by its own hideous excruciating tortures and what shred of faith it cling to.

Don't walk this alone. Take HIS hand, let HIM walk it WITH you, IN you, through you. He will TEACH you the way, teach your foot where to tread, through this landmine, so that you can lead others through it as well. Only those who walk it themselves bes qualified in His kingdom -- man's secondhand erudition bes for nothing here but to give you the scraps of paper you need to gain access to those suffering who need your REAL training ... get it?

 

[Exodus1513]

Thank you Moriah, I have thought it over a lot.

I just don't understand anymore. Even when good things happen I cannot feel it, I just feel despair and anguish.

 

[Bellicus]

I haven't asked God, no, and I cannot honestly say what I am listening to because I've lost sight.

Do you ever pray or read your bible or go to church to meet other Christians?

I just don't understand anymore. Even when good things happen I cannot feel it, I just feel despair and anguish.

I know what you mean, I had that a couple of years ago. It is called "anhedonia" Have you been using drugs lately and then stopped using them suddenly?

Remember this (what I learned from being on the bottom): What you experience life to be, is not what life is. Even if everything feels hopeless and without meaning, then this is not what life is. This is your view on life right now. But you know that there is others that don't have that view on life, so then you also know that life is different for all people and sometimes it is bad and sometimes it is good. There is no person that only have good things and no person that only have bad things in life. So since you have it pretty hard right now, then you know that things can only get better if you don't give up. This is not some meaningless cliche I am saying, but it is really the truth. I can bet a lot of money that your life will improve, that you will start to see better days in some time. So don't give up, OK? You can make it trough this. I'm praying for you. God bless you.

 

[Exodus1513]

Do you ever pray or read your bible or go to church to meet other Christians?

I go to church every Sunday morning, often Wednesday night and occasionally Sunday evening. A lot of my friends are Christians as well, but most of them don't understand, they just figure if I was praying hard enough God would heal me of bulimia and of the suicidal urges.

I know what you mean, I had that a couple of years ago. It is called "anhedonia" Have you been using drugs lately and then stopped using them suddenly?

No, I have never used drugs that weren't prescribed but I appreciate your input on it.

As for your post, I really appreciate it. Thank you for the prayers, I just hope God cares enough to listen.

 

[Yuki Usagi]

I go to church every Sunday morning, often Wednesday night and occasionally Sunday evening. A lot of my friends are Christians as well, but most of them don't understand, they just figure if I was praying hard enough God would heal me of bulimia and of the suicidal urges.

No, I have never used drugs that weren't prescribed but I appreciate your input on it.

As for your post, I really appreciate it. Thank you for the prayers, I just hope God cares enough to listen.

Hi again, Sweetheart,

Have you emailed Susan Forward yet? She can direct you to free help.

Have you tried to find the book Toxic Parents, yet?

I really think if you want to get well, you need to start with getting help for what caused the bulimia in the first place. The Lord uses people to help his children, not just prayer, etc., He sends lots of people to school to learn how to help people psychologically.

We are all part of the Body of Christ and are not meant to do things "alone".

If you haven't done these things, please do. If you reach a dead end, let me know and I'll try to find other places that help people who were sexually assaulted as children. I don't think there's any statute of limitations on cases like yours and if you could call an attorney, or Legal Aid and ask them... we might get to see your dad in prison for what he did.

I don't think you can "just get past" this or have someone tell you of their own experience... you need tools.

Praying for you, still.

Yuki

 

[St. Paul]

You may want to talk to your psychiatrist about ECT treatments if you don't respond to medications. I tried to kill myself a couple of years ago. <staff edit> I had been on every anti-depressant there was and found no relief untill I received ECT treatments after my suicide attempt. They really helped me. The problem for me is the positive effects wear off after 4 or 5 months.

The good news is the latest anti-depressant called Pristiq has worked wonders for me. I don't know which med or meds your on but Pristiq might be worth a shot if you aren't responding to other anti-depressants.

 

[Ariel]

Exodus, you can get well. What you went through is horrible, but you can get well.

I wrote a thread on PTSD, it's URL is in my signature. Click on that--there may be something in there which could help.

I am praying for you.

 

[Born2Serve06]

I just sent you a PM. I also wanted to leave you this Devotion that someone gave me when I was struggling. It is from My Princess Love letters from Your King.

"My Princess, its okay to cry. I see how hard you try to handle your heart, and I know you want to live a life without heartaches or pain.

I am asking you to take a step closer to your Father in heaven by crying out to Me when you hurt. Let Me heal you. Remember, My chosen, King David? He cried out to Me in his fears, disappointments, and sins, and I answered.

You are also My chosen one, and you are My daugher...so it's okay to cry. I don't expect you to pretend that pain is not real. It is truth and tears that will give you freedom that I want you to know. Now let go of that part of your heart that only I can heal. Let your heavenly Daddy hold you while you cry. Love, Your King who wipes away your tears."

From my experience I have learned that you need to throw it into the light and get rid of it...stop holding on. It is really rough at first but ask God to grant you mercy. Once you get those feelings out there, then you can start the healing process. God loves you he hears your cries but you have your free will. Once you give it to the Lord be done with it and move on and start your healing. When those feelings come back give it to the Lord again, again, and again. Then one day you will find that it is gone.

Everytime you feel depressed or like you are going to kill yourself rebuke the enemy. Then turn to God and ask him to have mercy on you. We are all here to pray for you too...if you are having a bad day ask your friends or your pastor to pray for you.

 

[Ariel]

Childhood trauma can feel overwhelming to face because the actuality was so overwhelming. When you pull out these memories that little girl is there again. She is terrified. She feels like she has no control over anything--because she didn't have control over what happened in the first place.

You have something she didn't, though. You have an adult mind. You can go back to that little girl and reassure her that you are there now, and that you will never again allow her to be hurt again. Tell her that she is safe. Reassure her that the terror is gone, it will never happen again.

Then take the memory from her and process it with your adult mind. Yes, this is very painful. But in the very act of facing the hideous garbage that was done to that little girl, you are making it possible for her to feel safe, and to heal.

There are stages to this, you work through them slowly, and it takes time. But you can get well--you can come to a place where although you remember everything that happened, it no longer has an emotional effect on you. You become more integrated as a person--very much aware of the child you once were, the trauma you went through, but also very capable as an adult to handle emotional trauma, and no longer be overwhelmed by it.

You can get well. You can come to a place where you no longer hurt so much inside, and where everyday stresses no longer set you off because they touch on the unhealed raw emotions in your heart.

When you begin this journey and start pulling out the memories many of these are monsters. As that little girl you are terrified and overwhelmed. It can actually feel like you are getting worse, not better. No wonder so many people don't want to go back to the past and look at it--who wants to let those dragons out of their dark closets? But here is the key, I found: Dragons shrink when they are brought to light. The moment you begin processing what happened to you with your adult mind--the dragons shrink. They will not have power over you anymore, not as you continue to face them down.

You can get well. There are several steps. They are not necessarily orderly, there can be a lot of back and forth. But the steps are something like:

remember-->talk or write (pull it out)-->label, judge--->anger (here it backtracks a lot, because the anger helps you pull out more memories)-->grief, mourning the loss, mourning what could have been (there can be numbness, shock, denial, overwhelming tiredness, incredible sadness and tears)-->acceptance-->forgiving-->giving to the Lord-->asking for healing, and for Him to take the hurt

Again, I have to say "something like." It may not be as orderly as it looks written down, and there is a lot of back tracking, especially when you are pulling memories out.

The anger stage is where Christians have a lot of trouble. They want to forgive and forget. But "forgive and forget" does not work when there is poison inside of you. To get well, you must process what happened to you. Part of that processing is to allow yourself to feel angry. What happened to you was NOT RIGHT and NOT YOUR FAULT. Get angry! Rage! The Bible says, "be angry but do not sin," Psalm 4:4. It is okay to feel anger, just don't sin. It may help to look at this thread we started over in "General Mental Health:"

http://christianforums.com/showthread.php?t=7287679

Just realize you are not alone, it is okay to go through this stage--it is part of the healing process.

You can get well. Yes, it is painful. It will take time. But you can get well.

Remember that you are loved. God loves you. He will help you through all this.

(((hug)))

 

[Matthewj1985]

Please, please don't hurt yourself. You have so many people that love you and that would be devastated if something happened to you. If you ever, ever feel like you want to talk please PM me your phone number and I will call. I might be male but I have had some of the same issues you are going through and while I know I can't fix you I can be an outlet for you and tell you that it can be better. I know it can, I am your age and my wife helped pull me through my hardest times without even knowing it. Please don't do anything to yourself, I know it might seem hopeless but it isn't. I know how bad it hurts so deep down in your heart but it will get better, I promise. You are a great person and I promise you that you will get better.

If you ever feel like you need to talk to someone PM me your phone number and I will call you just to shoot the breeze or talk about whatever you want to. God has a plan for you and your child.