yes, i am very very scared not to do the exercise and to eat more... and if i miss a day i totally freak out and do more the next... the thing is i dont feel like im starving myself... because i am eating... but im pretty much just eating cucumber and lettuce i guess... which is really low in calories... so it doesnt eat up being many calories... but i feel like im eating alot... if that makes sense
Hey
You are clearly anorexic. I just have to tell you that. You may not believe it. Did you ever look at the Something Fishy website? It's got information about eating disorders, and a great and loving online community of sufferers who will give you brilliant advice and support, and will answer any questions you have. And if you're thinking those obsessive thoughts about exercise, weight, and diet, it's good to just go there and blurt it all out, to people who understand.
I wrote a massive reply a second ago, but I think I lost it, so I'm trying to remember what I said.
Basically, the kind of behaviour you are engaging in will kill you, in the not-so-distant future. Either that, or it'll scar your body for life, and reduce your life expectancy. Look on the SF website at the associated dangers page. I know that you're probably in denial and unlikely to a) believe me that you're in danger; and b) CARE that you're in danger.
Nobody can make you want to get better. But I know from experience that you're living no kind of life. The constant worrying and obsessing; feeling drained, tired, stressed; feeling alone and apart from others; feeling like you just have so much to do; setting yourself goals that you practically have to kill yourself to attain; feeling like you're not really living life. Or maybe you're in the early stages of an eating disorder, where you're in love with your illness, on a high from the starvation, excited at the prospect of being thin. The infatuation doesn't last, I can tell you. It's tiring, waking up every morning and having to hate yourself enough to put your body through that routine. Sometimes you just think: "I don't want to hate myself today." But then you remember that you 'have' to, if you want to be thin. Because you've deluded yourself into thinking that being emaciated is desirable, and you certainly don't get there by loving yourself.
I don't want you to go down the road I went down. After the over-exercise and under-eating had been going on for a while, I started to binge. A lot. I mean, 30,000 calorie binges. And the scary thing is that often your body makes you do it - you don't even know what you're doing until afterwards. You'll reach a point in your starvation where your body will fight back. You'll think about food all the time (if you're not already). And from then on you'll probably oscillate between anorexia and bulimia, totally annihilating your body and mind. If you're like me, you'll come to your senses and have a lucky escape. I got sick of being hungry, sick of telling myself "you can't have that" - so I ate. And my life has been good since, because when you treat yourself well, the WORLD treats you well. You'd be surprised at how good it feels to have self-respect. You clearly don't have any.
If any part of you relates to this, please try to get some kind of support for yourself. You'll know your weak areas. Maybe you need something else in your life to help you to see that this diet isn't all-important. Maybe you need to read some good quality self-help books. Maybe you need to talk to someone (family, friends, a therapist). Whatever you're most comfortable doing, take that first step now, before it's too late.
Love Jo
xxxx
