Told husband I was raped but no support

[gwenevere]

I never told anyone what happen to me when I was younger. I lost my virginity on a date rape. Then I started to date my ex of 8 years again and did it with him once feeling that I was not good anymore and he would be the only one that would take me but I felt terrible after I did it with him. So I broke it off. I just wanted to be alone for the rest of my life after that. Then I meet my husband. He was so diffrent from anyone else i ever dated. I wanted to share with him what happen but was scared he might think the worse of me. He asked me when we dated if I was a virgin and I told him yes because of the fear of what he would think of me. I wanted to tell him I was with some one else but fear he would still asked me how i lost my virginity. He was a virgin. We got married and 4 years went by I prayed for days and weeks about it and decided to tell him what happen. It didn't go so well. For the last four years of our marriage he has treated me teribble and also had an affair and blamed me for it becasue I did tell him how i lost my virginity. He even yelled at me making me feel like trash and worthless. Excactly what I fear happen people would think of me if they ever found out I was raped, my husband did it. He tells me to just get over it. I'm struggling just to make it each day. Some day I don't like living any more. I just want to take my life so I won't hurt anymore. I can't sleep because of the nightmares of what happened to me and how my husband throws it in my face. He said he has been trying to make my life missrable for the last for years and he has done a well job at it. I keep praying for my marriage to change but seen very little results. I feel so alone and know i'm going into depression also. I don't know what else to do anymore. The only thing that is keeping me from not going insane if my faith in God. I'll take any advice at this point...

 

[Psalmangel]

I never told anyone what happen to me when I was younger. I lost my virginity on a date rape. Then I started to date my ex of 8 years again and did it with him once feeling that I was not good anymore and he would be the only one that would take me but I felt terrible after I did it with him. So I broke it off. I just wanted to be alone for the rest of my life after that. Then I meet my husband. He was so diffrent from anyone else i ever dated. I wanted to share with him what happen but was scared he might think the worse of me. He asked me when we dated if I was a virgin and I told him yes because of the fear of what he would think of me. I wanted to tell him I was with some one else but fear he would still asked me how i lost my virginity. He was a virgin. We got married and 4 years went by I prayed for days and weeks about it and decided to tell him what happen. It didn't go so well. For the last four years of our marriage he has treated me teribble and also had an affair and blamed me for it becasue I did tell him how i lost my virginity. He even yelled at me making me feel like trash and worthless. Excactly what I fear happen people would think of me if they ever found out I was raped, my husband did it. He tells me to just get over it. I'm struggling just to make it each day. Some day I don't like living any more. I just want to take my life so i won't hurt anymore. I can't sleep because of the nightmares of what happened to me and how my husband throws it in my face. He said he has been trying to make my life missrable for the last for years and he has done a well job at it. I keep praying for my marriage to change but seen very little results. I feel so alone and know i'm going into depration also. I don't know what else to do anymore. The only thing that is keeping me from not going insane if my faith in God. I'll take any advice at this point...

Tell him how you feel. Talk to him.Tell him you love him. And hope he still loves you. He does. Then give it time. Eventually it'll heal.

 

[12345678and9]

So he thinks he is the victim and has an affair and blames you? That is not love. Jesus forgave you, why can't your husband? I was molested as a child and I have forgiven, but will not forget. You cannot. Your husband is being selfish and you do not need what he is giving you. You are subjecting yourself to more abuse. Yes, you did not tell him because you love him. On the other hand, you love him because you did tell him. He is the one who needs to get over it and forgive and repent of what he has done to you. Do not blame yourself, ever. That was what I had to overcome. I do not see myself as a victim. I see myself as loved and blessed by God. I have been through a divorce (she cheated on me). I got over it. I forgive her and I moved on. I think you should tell him that you are not the reason for his unfaithfulness and you did not rape yourself. If he loves you he will do what you need if you stay strong. You have to or you will spiral just like I did.

Stay strong, stay beautiful, and God bless.
D

If you want to chat, send me a message.

 

[Arkanin]

My friend,

I am sorry that your husband has cheated on you. That is wrong. That you were abused sexually is not your fault and that you concealed it out of fear should be completely understandable. I am sorry that he has not reacted in the way that a man who loves you should, because you surely deserve to be loved, but at the same time, you mustn't tolerate this behavior.

He is at fault, here, not you, you did not ask to be sexually assaulted and you did not ask to be treated like trash by the husband who should have understood; period.

Because what this guy is doing is wrong, sometimes you have to stand up for yourself. If he won't accept and love you because you were abused, and if he cheats on you, you have got carte blanche to give him a serious piece of your mind; he is the one who should be sorry, not you, and frankly that should be your attitude.

I hope you can forgive my little tirade, there, it's just that you ought to have someone in your corner. Don't let another man victimize you. I honestly propose that you put your foot down and tell him things are going to change or he'll be sorry.

If worst comes to worst, you have the right to find another spouse. I know that's such a hard choice late in life, especially for someone who is insecure or has been abused. Still, if he does not have the respect to acknowledge fault and love you, there is no other choice; your marriage has ceased to be what a marriage really is. Remember, there are kind, older men out there who will love you for who you are and will treat you kindly, not abuse you. There are good people in personals ads if it's hard to find older single people for you. But you deserve better, and one way or another, things must change. I hope you realize that at least one other person is in your corner -- and god is too.

$.02,

Ark

 

[Johnnz]

He may resent being lied to originally.

If your husband is a Christian then both of you seeking some help from someone else in yur church may help. It seems both of you have issues to work through. Or, try a good counsellor.

John
NZ

 

[gwenevere]

He may resent being lied to originally.

If your husband is a Christian then both of you seeking some help from someone else in yur church may help. It seems both of you have issues to work through. Or, try a good counsellor.

John
NZ

I want to go to a counsellor but he dosen't. He still wants to continue to talk to the woman he had or is still having an affair. He said he still want to be friends with her. I have to sit in my house waiting till he's done talking to her for about 3 to 4 hours each day. I 'm trying my best to work things out but it's hard when he dosen't put much effort in to it. I don't want a divorece, I want it to work. I tried to communicate with him but he ends up yelling at me. I feel like i'm walking on egg shells scared to say the wrong thing. I'm praying for God to give me an answer to what to do. He said he is a christian but likes to do drug and get drunk and sees nothing wrong with that. I have been praying for years for him to change but it seems things just get worse. Some times I just think I should let him go so he can be happy but I don't know what God wants me to do. All I can do is keep forgiving him for what he is doing. I just wish God would let me to leave him or to wait, that things will get better.

 

[12345678and9]

You know that letting him go will make him realize what he has. He has the "have my cake and eat it to" mentality right now because you allow him to get away with all of the things he is doing. Stand your ground and tell him that you deserve more and that you are letting him go. If he sees he will lose you, he may change. If not, then maybe you are destined to be with someone who is more forgiving and will love you for you and not judge and mistreat you.

Stay strong, stay beautiful, and God bless...

 

[uniquetadpole]

If you want to go to counselling...then I say go...why does he have to go with you...do it by yourself...and invite him to go...if he goes then great...and if he doesn't...then God will take care of it. (((((((((gwenevere)))))))))

 

[Johnnz]

He does not sem at all interested in changing. Maybe it's time for you to move on. I can understand not wanting to do that and perhaps face a divorce, but in reality you do not have a marriage now. I hope you have caring, supportive people around you. You will need them.

John
NZ

 

[InnerPhyre]

I want to go to a counsellor but he dosen't. He still wants to continue to talk to the woman he had or is still having an affair. He said he still want to be friends with her. I have to sit in my house waiting till he's done talking to her for about 3 to 4 hours each day. I 'm trying my best to work things out but it's hard when he dosen't put much effort in to it. I don't want a divorece, I want it to work. I tried to communicate with him but he ends up yelling at me. I feel like i'm walking on egg shells scared to say the wrong thing. I'm praying for God to give me and answer to what to do. He said he is a christian but likes to do drug and get drunk and sees nothing wrong with that. I have been praying for years for him to change but it seems things just get worse. Some times I just think I should let him go so he can be happy but I don't know what God wants me to do. All I can do is keep forgiving him for what he is doing. I just wish God would let me to leave him or to wait, that things will get better.

Those who are abused tend to gravitate toward abusers, and it sounds like this is what you have found in a husband. Him talking to this woman is totally unacceptable and it shows that he has no respect for you. He is abusing you emotionally and you need to muster the courage to put a stop to it. Tell him that it's either her or you. He is still being unfaithful to you and I hope you know that if he is still talking to her, he is still sleeping with her. Do not let him tell you otherwise.

 

[biffy]

Hello, i am not married...never have been but this aside...

i have spent the last 7 months in councelling over an assault on me...councelling is the best thing i have ever done for myself...you owe it to yourself to take care of your heart, your emotions...if i hadn't gone i would still be hating myself, pulling myself apart and blaming myself for everything that was not perfect in my life which is just about everything!!!
You were so so couragous telling your husband that you were raped you are a warrior princess!!!
You certainly have the strength to make an appointment with a councellor and go yourself...get as far as you can (taken me 7 months so far) and then when the time is right ask your husband if he will join you...your councellor will help you with asking him Put all of your emotions on the table with your psychologist and he/she will guide and support you...i've achieved more in the last 6 months of my life than i could have in 10 years without the councellors help...i have been beyond amazed Goodluck and let us know how you go God bless...i will pray for you!!

 

[gwenevere]

If you want to go to counselling...then I say go...why does he have to go with you...do it by yourself...and invite him to go...if he goes then great...and if he doesn't...then God will take care of it. (((((((((gwenevere)))))))))

I started. It's helping me understand that it's not my fault. My husband donen't want to go to counceling he just want the divorce now. He is still wanting to continue with his affair but I know it's not because of me. He made the choice to be unfaithful not me. I'm getting stronger little by little but still need lots of prayers. I know God has a good plan for me and he still loves me and won't ever leave me....

 

[Martin]

I'm no expert on these matters.... but I think that he's feeling cheated and hurt by your revelations and his reaction towards you is coming from that position. He wants to hurt you because (in his mind) you hurt him

For yourself, I would lean heavily on Father God. he understands "where you are at" and what you're going through more than any of us. Jesus suffered the pain and rejection that you are suffering and He can help you. He will give you comfort and love. He can (and will) bring healing to your situation. I believe that He will take over your husband's responsibilities to love you whilst your husband is behaving the way he is, so long as your desire is to save your marriage.

The most powerful thing you can do at the moment is to allow the fruit of the Holy Spirit to come through you (this will not be easy in what I perceive to be your circumstances). Even though Jesus suffered and was rejected, he did not retaliate. If you can follow His example, I am of the opinion the eventually God will challenge your husband over his behaviour, the results of which I think will be positive. If he responds correctly to the challenge of God, he will recognise his behaviour to you has been inappropriate and should seek your forgiveness.

I suggest that you don't raise the subject of your past experiences with your husband any further until he has changed his attitude and has shown some sign of wanting to listen - he will eventually want to know what happened, but now is not the time.

If there is any good news in your situation, it's that I think that deep down your husband still loves you. Even though he's had an affair and raped you (both designed in his mind to hurt you), there is no indication of his desire to leave you - this is good news and you can be encouraged by that (I read between the lines of your post that you still love him and want to save your marriage).

One final thing - if serious physical abuse becomes part of his dealing with you then I urge you to leave to a safe place, seek professional help and an intermediary. Do not return without appropriate counsel. A man who has exercised physical abuse towards his wife is like a tiger that has tasted blood, they will contiue to pursue this avenue and are unlikely (though not impossible) to keep their violence out of the marriage. At the moment, I don't see this as an issue to you, so I just give this as a warning.

At tjis time, you need a good friend to whom you can unburden..... someone whom you respect and has shown that they have your best interests at heart. I suggest that a pastor or minister would not fit this bill for you, you need a female friend to whom you can easily relate. If you can't think of someone, then I suggest you try and approach the female Christian in your church whom you most respect, Without knowing your situation, seeing that you are in your late 20s I would look for a mature Christian lady in the 30-38 age range.

I hope this helps..... (it is NEVER worth taking your life - ther is always a way out, even if you can't see it at the moment.

Much love......

Martin

 

[gwenevere]

I'm no expert on these matters.... but I think that he's feeling cheated and hurt by your revelations and his reaction towards you is coming from that position. He wants to hurt you because (in his mind) you hurt him

For yourself, I would lean heavily on Father God. he understands "where you are at" and what you're going through more than any of us. Jesus suffered the pain and rejection that you are suffering and He can help you. He will give you comfort and love. He can (and will) bring healing to your situation. I believe that He will take over your husband's responsibilities to love you whilst your husband is behaving the way he is, so long as your desire is to save your marriage.

The most powerful thing you can do at the moment is to allow the fruit of the Holy Spirit to come through you (this will not be easy in what I perceive to be your circumstances). Even though Jesus suffered and was rejected, he did not retaliate. If you can follow His example, I am of the opinion the eventually God will challenge your husband over his behaviour, the results of which I think will be positive. If he responds correctly to the challenge of God, he will recognise his behaviour to you has been inappropriate and should seek your forgiveness.

I suggest that you don't raise the subject of your past experiences with your husband any further until he has changed his attitude and has shown some sign of wanting to listen - he will eventually want to know what happened, but now is not the time.

If there is any good news in your situation, it's that I think that deep down your husband still loves you. Even though he's had an affair and raped you (both designed in his mind to hurt you), there is no indication of his desire to leave you - this is good news and you can be encouraged by that (I read between the lines of your post that you still love him and want to save your marriage).

One final thing - if serious physical abuse becomes part of his dealing with you then I urge you to leave to a safe place, seek professional help and an intermediary. Do not return without appropriate counsel. A man who has exercised physical abuse towards his wife is like a tiger that has tasted blood, they will contiue to pursue this avenue and are unlikely (though not impossible) to keep their violence out of the marriage. At the moment, I don't see this as an issue to you, so I just give this as a warning.

At tjis time, you need a good friend to whom you can unburden..... someone whom you respect and has shown that they have your best interests at heart. I suggest that a pastor or minister would not fit this bill for you, you need a female friend to whom you can easily relate. If you can't think of someone, then I suggest you try and approach the female Christian in your church whom you most respect, Without knowing your situation, seeing that you are in your late 20s I would look for a mature Christian lady in the 30-38 age range.

I hope this helps..... (it is NEVER worth taking your life - ther is always a way out, even if you can't see it at the moment.

Much love......

Martin

Thank you Martin. My situation has not improved. Me wishes to continue in contact with this other woman. The more he talkes to her the more colder he's getting with me. He said he still loves her and not me. Also that after we sell the house he want the divorce. He sees the effort that I'm tring to make the marriage work but he said he dosent want it to work. He said he want to be able to do drugs with out worring about me catching him, he wants to get drunk when ever he wants and see other blone white women. He said the only reason he married me was because were we are from they are no blonds. But here in dallas is like fish in the see. He also said the reason he didn't give me kids was because he know since the beging that he did not want to be with me forever. All of this thing he said hurt me so much. I feel used and so stupid that I gave every thing to this marraige and the whole time he knew he didn't want to be with me forever. I was praying for my marriage to work but now I just want God to help me to stop loving him so he can't hurt me any more. I'm also praying that the house sell soon so we don't have to live together anymore. It's hard when we still have to live under the same roof and especially that he has to talk to her everynight for hours. I just want out of all this that I become strong and my faith to grow. To have a closer relationship with the one that will never stop loving me and will never leave me. GOD...
I finally talked to my mom and told her everything that was going on. He words did a lot of help. I know I will make it but I have to take it one day at a time. Some one told me that if I take my life that he will still go one. Why should I have the same opertunity. And it so true. I came to realise he's not worth taking my life. Yes, I have pain and hurting but God is holding me know. That is what is making get through another day. Please keep me in your prayers
Gweny

 

[Psalmangel]

Thank you Martin. My situation has not improved. Me wishes to continue in contact with this other woman. The more he talkes to her the more colder he's getting with me. He said he still loves her and not me. Also that after we sell the house he want the divorce. He sees the effort that I'm tring to make the marriage work but he said he dosent want it to work. He said he want to be able to do drugs with out worring about me catching him, he wants to get drunk when ever he wants and see other blone white women. He said the only reason he married me was because were we are from they are no blonds. But here in dallas is like fish in the see. He also said the reason he didn't give me kids was because he know since the beging that he did not want to be with me forever. All of this thing he said hurt me so much. I feel used and so stupid that I gave every thing to this marraige and the whole time he knew he didn't want to be with me forever. I was praying for my marriage to work but now I just want God to help me to stop loving him so he can't hurt me any more. I'm also praying that the house sell soon so we don't have to live together anymore. It's hard when we still have to live under the same roof and especially that he has to talk to her everynight for hours. I just want out of all this that I become strong and my faith to grow. To have a closer relationship with the one that will never stop loving me and will never leave me. GOD...
I finally talked to my mom and told her everything that was going on. He words did a lot of help. I know I will make it but I have to take it one day at a time. Some one told me that if I take my life that he will still go one. Why should I have the same opertunity. And it so true. I came to realise he's not worth taking my life. Yes, I have pain and hurting but God is holding me know. That is what is making get through another day. Please keep me in your prayers
Gweny

Well done Martin. Indeed, taking one's life because of someone else's wrong is unfair for you, Madam Gwenevere.

 

[biffy]

Wow you are so brave and courageous...i haven't seen this much courage in someone for a while...i am amazed at your strength and i certainly admire it...You should read Romans 5...

When we go through tough times God just wants to be close to us, hold onto us, carry us, carry our pain for us ...it's during these times that He draws closest to us...He must be really close by you at the moment how precious to know that He is literally hanging onto your heart every step of the way...you should go with God in all this because He thinks so much if you...He will never let you down You are His princess...His "Warrior Princess" and always will be!!!!!!!

 

[gwenevere]

Wow you are so brave and courageous...i haven't seen this much courage in someone for a while...i am amazed at your strength and i certainly admire it...You should read Romans 5...

When we go through tough times God just wants to be close to us, hold onto us, carry us, carry our pain for us ...it's during these times that He draws closest to us...He must be really close by you at the moment how precious to know that He is literally hanging onto your heart every step of the way...you should go with God in all this because He thinks so much if you...He will never let you down You are His princess...His "Warrior Princess" and always will be!!!!!!!

Thank you for giving me Romans 5. That's what I needed to read. I'm having more better moment but yesterday night wasn't to good for me. I asked God how much longer do i have to go thought this. This morning God gave me Psalms 37 1-13. He showed me that knows what's going on. I've been trying to convince my self to be angry and te get even but God said in verse 8 to "Refrain from anger and turn from the wrath; do not fret - it leads only to evil." I especialy like the verses that tell me that it's just a little while and all this will stop and God will give me to enjoy great peace. I'm looking forward to that. =)
Please still keep me in your prayers to become a stonger person and to strengthen my faith.

 

[AdyFromEngland]

I would get out of your marriage as quickly as possible - your husband clearly does not love you. You deserve someone caring and understanding. The last thing you need is more abuse

 

[gwenevere]

I would get out of your marriage as quickly as possible - your husband clearly does not love you. You deserve someone caring and understanding. The last thing you need is more abuse

We put ower house in the market. I never saved money on the side thinking I would be with this man forever. All my money is in 401k. When we sell the house we are paying the small debit we have and spliting the profit. This way I will have money for the down payment for an apartment and down payment for my pet deposit. I have to keep my credit good inorder to keep my job. I really enjoy my job, and there is so many Christians that I work with.
I have to focus on God to help me grow during this time that I have to live with him. I have to start looking at the the positive things around me. Today will be better then yesterday.

 

[Psalmangel]

We put ower house in the market. I never saved money on the side thinking I would be with this man forever. All my money is in 401k. When we sell the house we are paying the small debit we have and spliting the profit. This way I will have money for the down payment for an apartment and down payment for my pet deposit. I have to keep my credit good inorder to keep my job. I really enjoy my job, and there is so many Christians that I work with.
I have to focus on God to help me grow during this time that I have to live with him. I have to start looking at the the positive things around me. Today will be better then yesterday.

And so will be tomorrow.